|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 8:35 am
In one episode of 'Cheers' Cliff is seated at the bar describing the
'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the
concept explained any better than this.
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:07 am
An 86-year-old man
walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he
approached the desk, the Receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my d**k," he replied.
The Reception-ist became irritated and said, "You
shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say
things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"
he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously
caused some embarrass- ment in this room full of
people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the
problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room
full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then
re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and
smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is
wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:17 am
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:20 am
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after
work cocktail with her girlfriends when an
exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As
all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring
so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... On one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said.......
"Clean my house."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:21 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 12:48 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 1:00 pm
Hey, look at that - Snoopy has a Demonbow! blaugh
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 1:01 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 1:05 pm
I know somebody who did something similar - he was walking along, staring back at an attractive girl, and forgot that he was at the top of a short flight of stairs... xp (It's OK to laugh - only his pride was hurt!)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 1:08 pm
rofl i'd love to see that happen
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 1:25 pm
I should have added - it happened at work, so he submitted an accident report to the Health and Safety Manager... rofl
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 5:12 pm
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Keep Calm I am The Doctor
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Keep Calm I am The Doctor
|
Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 5:14 pm
US Naval Communication
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse.
Your call.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 11:30 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 5:24 pm
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this...
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!?? eek "
(Scroll down a little more now)
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
