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 Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 6:49 pm
I didn't know where else I should put this, but I know this is a common problem that people might have during puberty/while their friends are going through it.
In my case, my friend is 19, turning 20 later on this year...not the usual 12-14 year olds who have the same problem with their friends. I have known this girl for about a year now and we live in the same dorm building. This is going to sound gross, but she does not shower enough. She showers about once a week, doesn't use deoderant, doesn't wash her clothes or sheets as often as needed.
Another thing that adds to the problem is that she is very obese. I will not use the stereotype that all overweight people smell bad, because they dont, but showering needs extra care in this case. She is also very careless about the way she eats, plus she leaves her food trash all over her room.
She is very sensitive and I dont want to hurt her feelings, but it really grosses me out when she tries to hug me when she hasn't showered in days and has stuff coming out of her armpits. gonk Whenever she walks into a room, it starts to fill with a foul odor from her.
What is the kind of thing I should do or say in a situation like this? In a way I would rather lose her as a friend if that prevents her from being highly embarressed in the future if I confronted her about her lack of hygiene.
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Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 7:51 pm
My suggestion is to pull her aside and just tell her. I know that if I smelled horribly (God forbid sweatdrop ) I would want someone to let me know. Then again, I have a fear of smelling bad.
If you don't want to do it directly, you could hint at it. I know one way is to talk about a new product that you like and suggest it to in passing. Maybe a new shampoo that makes her hair smell incredible and makes it soft, etc. You might go as far as to buy her a bottle "as a gift". The same goes with laundry and such. Suggest a laundry mat to go to that you may both go and do laundry in. Granted, she might get the hint and ask you about it. That's when you should just tell her that she has an odor issue and you were trying to help her.
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 6:21 am
I would like to tell her, but she's just so sensitive about everything. Her odor problem is something she needs to know about, but I get the feeling that telling her about it will end up making here neglect it even more as she will become more self-concious about it.
I hate saying stuff about her, but she is odd in ways and she really doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with her habits. confused
I too have that fear of smelling bad/not being clean and agree that I would like someone to tell me if I did.
I would buy her stuff, but I have very limited funds at the moment (actually I'm very much in debt... sweatdrop ) so I can't afford little things like that. I'll do what I can to hint that she should take showers more often, ect. in which her roommate already does.
If that doesn't work I'll have to tell her. confused
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:42 pm
Apparently I had a bit of an odor problem in middle school, because a guy in my group of male friends at school gave me some deoderant one day. sweatdrop
If it's really unbearable, and more than one person has a problem with it, perhaps you can pull her aside as a group and just let her know quietly. I have friends who've had that problem, and I know how gross it can be. If you think she needs to know, then tell her - once she improves her hygeine habits, perhaps she'll find people will enjoy being around her more.
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 9:37 pm
Well, since it is her body it is her choice. You can approach her about it but that might be a little mean. Maybe she does shower. Some people have stronger body odors and persperate more.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 10:56 am
Bondage Fairy Well, since it is her body it is her choice. You can approach her about it but that might be a little mean. Maybe she does shower. Some people have stronger body odors and persperate more. Her roommate and myself do know for a fact that she'll go days at a time without showering. And, her odor is so bad that it would be impossible for most people to get that way in a few days. @Nikolita: Thanks^^ I was going to tell her yesterday, but she started crying just because I disagreed with her about something else. confused This wouldn't be nearly so hard telling her if she werent so sensitive, but someone has got to tell her.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 3:29 pm
While I agree with 'her body, her choice', there comes a point when it's a health issue. In college, I had a classmate who was so fiulthy the dirt was caked on her arms. Okay, that's just gross. Yes, you have a choice to be a stinky skank, but damn it, you make us make the choice of if we want to be your friend anymore.
Tell her you find it gross. Tell her it's not healthy to do that. A shower every other day, three max, is probably fine. You don't have to wash your hair (I have short hair and do it twice a week, or whenever I go to the gym and sweat). If she's on her period, shower every day. It's not sanitary, and it can breed infectious diseases like staph (which is why in a hospital they're always changing sheets and washing people).
(We took a hose and a bucket of soapy water, and scrubbed her down one Sunday afternoon, which wasn't nice, but that ended the whole smelly issue. And our friendship, sadly, but I still think it was the right thing.)
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 5:27 pm
Well mention it to her but like I said, her body, her choice. Don't talk about it behind her back so much. If you don't like it address her instead of your other buddies. It isn't fair to leave her in the dark.
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Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 10:39 am
If she's that overly sensitive, it's better you say something to her than some cruel stranger off of the side of the street. I agree with Ipstenu being this isn't a "I like my hair long" issue, it's a health issue and she can possibly be a breeding ground for germs that can affect you, especially if you share things.
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Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 10:41 am
Leave her a letter. ninja That's what I'd do. Maybe signed, maybe not.
Is that too cowardly a thing to do? ^^; My friends and I confront each other about stuff in letters. It seems to be easier on both parties. But maybe we're all just horrible people for not being able to face each other. O:
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Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:57 pm
It occurs to me later, tell your parents, and ask them to talk to her parents.
Passing the buck up to authority figures may wake her parents up to the fact that this is really noticeable and could hurt her social life.
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Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:44 pm
Ipstenu It occurs to me later, tell your parents, and ask them to talk to her parents. Passing the buck up to authority figures may wake her parents up to the fact that this is really noticeable and could hurt her social life. She said she was in dorms, and had roommates and stuff, so I'm pretty sure she's in college. In college, you can't really ask parents to talk to other parents. I think the letter idea is a good one, though whether you're telling this girl, who sounds like shes rather overly sensitive, to her face or in a letter, I imagine it's going to feel hurtful to her. On the other hand, it IS a health hazard for other people around her if she can't maintain good hygene ESPECIALLY in a dorm setting. Dorms are like... filthy cesspools of germs and disease. You definatly ought to tell this girl some way or another, for her sake and yours. All I can think of to make it easier on her feelings is to do your very best to make sure she knows that your intentions are good hearted.
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Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 10:02 am
Bondage Fairy Well mention it to her but like I said, her body, her choice. Don't talk about it behind her back so much. If you don't like it address her instead of your other buddies. It isn't fair to leave her in the dark. My friends and I only talked about it once and it was more of a "concern for her" kind of talk more than a "talking behind her back" type. @Guacamole-kun: the letter thing is a good idea. I might try to do that. @Ipstenu: I'll be 19 in a few months so doing that parent telling another parent doesnt really work at my age, although I did ask my mom what kind of thing I should do or say about this kind of situation. Z e p h y r On the other hand, it IS a health hazard for other people around her if she can't maintain good hygene ESPECIALLY in a dorm setting. Dorms are like... filthy cesspools of germs and disease.I agree totally about the part in bold. In high school I almost never got sick, but in college I've been sick about 2/3 of the time. It is a problem with the girls at my school. A lot of them are that extreme feminist type who think that "they dont need to take showers because guys don't." eek rolleyes (Which is untrue from what my bf tells me...he says that most guys shower everyday). Not that this is the mindset of the girl this thread is about, but she and the others dont realize that is IS a health hazzard for the people around them. They might not get sick, but they cause a lot of people around them to get sick.
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Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 3:33 pm
Well, to be perfectly blunt, talking about this to everyone but the girl shows you really aren't much of a friend to her. And leaving her an anonymous letter is cowardly unless it's been established as an acceptable form of communication prior to this. If this is an issue, why not just talk about it and be done with it?
Let her know it's hard for you to discuss because you don't want to hurt her feelings but you're afraid it will and then for the love of all things, don't tell her how GROSS you think she is. I can't believe how many people seem to think that's an acceptable way to tell someone something. Have some class and some tact and think about how you'd want to be told if this were you.
Based on what you've written here, this doesn't sound like an issue of being lazy; this sounds like an issue of what her entire life has been up until this point. I knew someone going through school who this sounds exactly like, and I used to wonder how on earth she could stand it until I visited her family's home for a birthday party once. No one in her family showered, and the house was filthy, including the bathrooms which were so bad I wouldn't use the restroom and just held it. After that, I realized no, she really didn't realize she smelled and this was the way she was raised and socialized. For all we know with this young woman, she could have come from a similar environment and she really doesn't notice that what she's doing is that different.
But there are a lot of other questions. Does she have a skin condition that doesn't allow her to shower alot? I'll be perfectly candid and say I shower maybe twice a week due to skin problems. If I shower more, I flake everywhere and my hair becomes brittle despite trying conditioners. Try to use lotion, I have an allergic reaction to it and get red and puffy. Not careful about the soap and shampoo I use, same story. It's easier to not shower every day to allow my skin and hair to build up their own oil to try and protect against stripping then it is to have to deal with skin so itchy it makes you want to peel it off and you literally cry after bathing. So while it's easy to just go OMIGOD EWW, GROSS! and assume she's lazy, maybe she has a reason for not showering so often like a medical condition.
And the same could go for deoderant. Maybe she just has really sensitive skin or perhaps she's worried about those emails that keep getting circulated around that the aluminum salt in commercial deoderants is linked to certain types of cancer.
I think it's best to talk to her and express your concerns about her, but also try to find out why she doesn't bathe and groom up to your standards. And yes, that really is what this is all about in the end. YOUR standards about cleanliness and passing judgement on hers. So while you can feel free to tell her it bothers you, it's also her right to tell you to go jump.
Like Bondage Fairy, I feel this is more an issue of her body, leave her alone if she doesn't want to shower. And if she tells you so, respect it and either stop hanging around her if it's so bad, or find another way to cope.
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Posted: Wed May 03, 2006 6:06 pm
@Pirate Dirge: I dont mean to sound like a gossip because I'm not. Myself and the girl's roommate just talked about this very breifly out of concern, because when it gets to the point where someone isnt showering/taking care of themself enough that they are bringing fleas into the dorm, that presents a real problem.
I made this thread fully educated on this girls situation. She has become lazy about showering and many other things as well because there is no one to tell her what to do. The whole reason why this is akward is because she is lazy.
And I am not talking about this to "everyone." I though I would make this thread because I honestly did not know what kind of thing I should have done. It's not like I am writting the girls name here or talking about her at school to everyone. Again, the only people who talked about it (and they were telling me, mind you, not the other way around) were the girl's roommate and another good friend of ours who hangs out in their room even more than I do.
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