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 Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 10:53 am
THE WORD
Publisher: Scott Summers
Editor in Chief: Mitchell Royce
Chief Columnist: Spider Jerusalem
Filthy Assistant: Channon Yarrow
WALLY WEST ASSAULTED, FOUND IN BOXERS.
After days of bizarre behavior related to his heart shaped boxers and loss of a sensitive receipt, guild captain and mild mannered mechanic Wally West was found in said boxers, beaten into a coma and relieved of sixty thousand gold, prompting the return of nobody's favorite Vertipal Bigby Wolf, who is currently investigating with the help of mysterious computer hacker vigilante The Oracle.
RICHARD RIDER, PERVERT?
Newly minted Vertipal Lady Johanna Constantine, distantly related to John Constantine, received what she called a "spectacularily rude" welcome from former New Warrior Richard Rider, who reportedly assaulted Lady Constantine with a localized tornado that tore off most of her clothing. When approached about the subject, Rider said "I did what I had to do, that woman is a menace and she had it coming," but failed to comment when asked why that involved leaving her clothing and her modesty in shreds. As a side note, The Word contacted the producer of the New Warriors television series, Ashley Brothers, who said it was characteristic of Rider's behavior during his time on the show, citing an incident where "he took off his helmet and tried to pick up two hookers." The Word is currently in negociations with SHIELD to obtain a copy of his mugshot, which they seized from local police for "reasons of national security."
NAMOR/IRON MAN FEUD DEEPENS
At a recent gala to revive the embattled Taylor Foundation, Iron Man (in a Versace co-designed tuxedo armor) was overheard saying that "To be quite frank, [Namor] repulses me," while on the other side of the room Namor (in a Vera Wang man-thong and matching bowtie) could be heard saying rather loudly that "I don't know what a Chicken of the Sea is, but I've seen a Chicken of the Land, and it's decked out in gold and red armor." Doctor Strange replied "Um, that's wrong," and quietly went to find some dry crackers.
MAN OF STEEL, WOMAN OF ROTTING FLESH
Clark Kent, alleged columnist for Metropolis' The Daily Planet, issued a vehement denial that his wife and fellow columnist Lois Lane is in fact a zombie or leading a private army of undead. "I know our maids look pale, but that's because they're Irish, they don't get much sun over there." Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen vigorously supported Kent's statement saying that "I don't get much sun either, and Power Girl called me a zombie once, but I think that's because I was drooling at the time."
WARREN ELLIS SPOTTED IN TIMES SQUARE
nextwave writer Warren Ellis was spotted in Times Square earlier this week, reportedly looking for his creation Spider Jerusalem whom he believes "escaped into objective reality, that slippery little ********," Ellis said before tearing open a can of Red Bull with his teeth and guzzling the contents. "People say that I'm him all the time, but I'm not, I hate the b*****d and when I find him, I'm going to kill him. With my teeth, like a real man kills people. None of this surgical bombing bullshit. This is personal." When approached for comment, transient occultist John Constantine said of Jerusalem "He's what I'd be if I didn't have any class." Constantine was hesitant to explain why he thought he had any class, but was insistant in the matter. The Word urges it's readers not to co-operate with Ellis under any circumstances or touch the squirrels living in his beard.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 5:14 am
Hopefully Royce won't get on your case. I hate finding the phone in the toilet after he calls screaming about the column.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:25 am
crying
I'm never involved in any of these productions.... But I don't want to make my own because mine would stink and people would think I was just copying.... which would be true.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 3:48 pm
Clark~Kent crying I'm never involved in any of these productions.... But I don't want to make my own because mine would stink and people would think I was just copying.... which would be true.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 3:54 pm
Spider_Jerusalem Clark~Kent crying I'm never involved in any of these productions.... But I don't want to make my own because mine would stink and people would think I was just copying.... which would be true.
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Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 4:03 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 6:08 pm
*picks up a copy and reads it*
"Holy Hera! A Green Lantern ring..? That is dangerous provided whoever stole it could use.. "
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Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 6:15 pm
The staff and management of The Word would like to thank Maiadorn for his continuing generosity in not suing us for shamelessly stealing his Skrull joke. heart
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Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 6:24 pm
A good paper, if I do say so myself.
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Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 2:08 am
zod is.....
@_@
as ive said before, if this happened in pokolistan, matters would have been resolved quickly & resolutely with the suspects proving their individual innocence in a massive battle to the death.
pirate
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Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:04 pm
Are you willing to say that on the record? ninja
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Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:30 pm
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:07 pm
hmmmm... west assaulted hmm? good.. he will b a better man for it.
tho only if he remembers it all. mad
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Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 11:34 pm
THE WORD
Publisher: Scott Summers
Editor in Chief: Mitchell Royce
Chief Columnist: Spider Jerusalem
Contributing Columnist: Pietro Maximoff
Filthy Assistant: Channon Yarrow
SKRULL SCARE ROCKS KAPOW.
Reports filtered in today that the events of Civil War were instigated by Skrulls impersonating key members of the Pro-Registration faction including Tony Stark and Reed Richards.
Acting SHIELD Director Maria Hill was quick to dismiss the allegations, saying that it was the work of malicious conspiracy theorists but added that smaller scale Skrull infiltration is no laughing matter and that SHIELD was actively investigating several cases involving alleged subversive Skrull activities. Hill refused to confirm or deny that either Galactus or Daredevil were under investigation following erratic behavior and the inability to spell their own names right.
UNITED NATIONS TO ORGANIZE "KAPOWLYMPICS"
Anxious to restore stability to the superhuman community, a group that the UN Security Council unanimously agreed is integral to the stability of the global socio-political climate, the General Assembly created a new as yet unnamed agency to organize and sponsor a global superhuman goodwill games to be called the "Kapowlympics." The UN responded to queries about doping and cheating with derision, saying that the idea was laughable. Anonymous sources within the UN disagreed with the statement, reporting that a marshall has been appointed to police the games and that "he's a real hardass."
ANIMAL MAN DIES. AGAIN.
The Word has been informed that superhero and controversial animal rights activist Buddy Baker was killed attempting to return to Earth with the "Stranger Rangers." When asked for a comment from former nemesis and ally Evan McCulloch, he stated Buddy would "Get better."
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Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 12:56 am
Yeah... thanks for the spoiler warning on that one, Speedy.
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