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 Posted: Sun Dec 29, 2024 9:59 am
An old secret is revealed.
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Posted: Sun Dec 29, 2024 10:53 am
   For years it had been left up to her imagination what Hasan's reaction would be. Would he be happy? Would he be upset or angry? The longer she put off telling him, the more she knew deep in her heart it would be the latter. At the time everything had all been so sudden. One day she'd been alongside of him, a warrior in her own right. Then the next Ampellio had been packing her back up and sending her home without a moment to say goodbye. Maybe in her father's mind it had been for the better. Yet, there was some blame that Fiorella held to herself. She knew that she would never have actually said goodbye, not to the man who needed to hear it most. Not when it would be a dead give away who would become the father of her child.
All of these years she had wrapped it up in a pretty little package, saying it was for his sake. That she wouldn't be like the rumors she'd heard of the other woman who had found out she was pregnant and tried to force her child onto the throne. The woman who had pushed him out of royal family with her brash actions and, more importantly, her baby. Fiorella had not wanted to be that woman. Their daughter had been born out of a budding romance, and the stubborn part of her refused to let her baby be tainted with the past. At least, that was what she told herself. What she clung to when Aithne had been born and the realities of being a single mother who refused to name the father in the middle of a war had settled over her. What that pretty package really held, however, was fear.
The very same fear that felt like it was choking her heart as she stood before Hasan's door, hands crossed over her chest with her nails digging into her upper arm through her sweater. Seven years she'd waited to have this talk with him. Seven long years that he had deserved to know the truth. The same seven years that had given her time to imagine his reactions to the news, both good and bad. They had started out as simple, though time made all things grow. This was no exception. And now that she was before his door, raising her hand to briskly knock on it, it had felt like the anxieties she had about revealing that truth had grown monstrous over her.
One comfort steadied her as she waited for his answer. The same comfort she had been drawing on for the last six years. Watching the door open felt like it was in slow motion. Finding those grey eyes that she had once gotten lost in as she prepared to give him everything. "I think it's about time that I filled you in on why I left." That comfort kept her voice even and light, allowed to her to offer him a smile despite the squeezing pressure of knowing this was Schrodinger's game. No matter what, she had Aithne. And Hasan would have to pry her baby out of her cold, dead hands.
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Hasan's Room ✿ Hasan ✿ Fit
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Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2025 2:28 pm
  ♦ 𝙋𝙍𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙃 ♦· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·location DORM ROOM xxxxx company FIO xxxxx outfit LOUNGEWEAR Hasan's room was perfectly silent, but the air was thick with his very palpable frustration. A raw chunk of malachite hovered in the air between his hands. It was a fraction of the size it had been when he'd started this little training session, and broken pieces of the green mineral now littered the desk. He was hunched over his workspace, hair tied back, eyes on target. With the slightest twitch of his forefinger, he attempted once more to mold the uncut gem -- a delicate, precise manipulation. Urging the stone to shift, rather than commanding it to. The malachite shuddered, yet remained unchanged. Hasan pressed harder, his fingers curling inward, brows knitting together. With a crack, the chunk split into three, and then promptly clattered onto the desk and Hasan released his mental hold upon it.
He threw himself back into his chair, balancing precariously upon the back two legs as he rubbed his face and groaned. Why he had ever decided to stay in and practice instead of going out and blowing off some steam was beyond him. Progress with his crystallokinesis was achingly slow, and for every advancement he made, he often felt like he took two steps back. He'd been such a prodigy with stone itself -- all that had ever taken was elbow grease and grit. With a sigh, he pushed up from the chair and poured himself a drink, which he downed in one go.
Everything had been easier back then. Simpler. What he wouldn't give to return to those days on the border. It was strange to think about how much had changed, yet all the players remained. He, a student instead of soldier. Langali, a professor instead of general. And Fio...
A knock at the door drew him from his musing. He set down the crystal glass and crossed his room to greet whoever had decided to pay him a visit. He pulled the door open -- and found himself looking down into the very face that had been preoccupying his thoughts. As before, he felt no shame in taking in the sight of her, straight down to where the hem of her skirt hugged her thighs. With a grin, Hasan leaned against the doorframe. "Seems like we're on the same wavelength, then. I was just thinking about you. Exactly at the moment you knocked, in fact."
He lingered there for only a moment, basking in the warmth of her smile, before he stepped back and beckoned her inside. It was only then that he remembered the state of his room -- and how unprepared he was for receiving any guests of the finer sex. However much he'd grown up in the time since they'd met, he was still a disaster. "Come on in. And, uh, pardon the mess."
He led her into his room proper, lighting a couple of candles and lanterns along the way to chase away the melancholic darkness he'd been stewing in. As he kicked clothes under the bed and scooped up the broken pieces of malachite, Hasan stole a glance at Fio. "Sorry, not a whole lot of places to sit. Bed's more comfortable than the desk or the bench." The very bench currently cluttered with towels and workout gear. Hasan cursed himself and continued his hurried cleaning spree. "Can I get you a drink? I've got whiskey, water... Maybe some tea, somewhere."
Once he'd done all he could do in the time span of a couple of minutes, Hasan at last turned to face his guest, now fully focused on her and her alone. However eager he'd been to catch up, he was happy to do so on Fio's terms -- and now the time had finally come. He poured himself another drink, along with whatever Fio might have requested, and settled in. "I'm really glad you came by," he said in earnest.
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Posted: Thu Jan 16, 2025 8:37 pm
Whatever strain had been in her smile felt easier as she watched him drape across the door frame. Hasan had always been easy for her. Right. The way they had slipped right back into being two teens on the borders of Thah was proof enough of that. There was something satisfying in the feeling of his eyes rolling over her form. Especially when he was barely dressed and not trying to hide that he was liking what he was seeing. Shifting, Fiorella watched as his eyes stayed glued to her thighs as if he were begging the fabric to inch up with the movement. Then he stepped aside and let her in. It had been a matter of seconds and she was already halfway to her goal.
The room was messy. Not in any way that felt like some cardinal sin, but in a way that felt lived in. Not that you could tell from the way that he was trying to light candles and remove the clutter. A soft chuckle fell out of her as he continued his frantic cleaning spree. "You act like I've never roughed it a little. I'm not about to judge you for living." Taking his advice to settle on his bed, her legs curled up underneath of her while her thighs pressed together. This wasn't a free show. Besides, there were important topics that needed to be discussed first. Delicate topics. That needed her skirt to stay on.
Swallowing at the mention of something to drink she considered her options. "Whiskey, I think." Right now she could do with a little liquid courage. If he was offering, Fio wasn't about to say no. Not when the idea of how he was going to take this talk was killing her. It took effort not to hop up and help him, the only thing that kept her in place was the fact that this Hasan? She didn't know where he kept things. The rooms here were so much different than a military camp, not to mention the several years it had been since they had last seen each other. All she could do was watch.
When he finally handed her the drink, Hasan's eyes stayed on her. "Thank you." No more cleaning. No more distractions. Just the two of them and the alcohol between them. The fact that he was glad to see her was like a knife twisting in her gut. We'll see about that... The thought swirled in her mind as she took a drink of the whiskey. Settling the cup down in her lap, she cradled it in both hands before lightly tapping her nails on the glass. It was a small relief for the nervous energy that swirled under her skin.
"I never wanted to leave like that." Her voice was quiet when she finally broke the silence between them. Pulling one hand off of the glass she leaned back, propping herself up while her head fell back to look at the ceiling. "All that time I spent on the border? I loved it. The stories around the fire with the soldiers, the long nights under the stars getting to know you? It was -" Cutting herself off, she let out a sigh. There weren't enough words to describe what spying in the war and helping out on the battlefield had meant to her. What their secret romance had meant to her. Those nights had felt like a warm blanket on a rainy day, the kind of comfort that settled down into her soul and made everything right.
Nights like that could never last. Not when they were so young and the world had been so broken. Pulling her head back upright, Fiorella took another drink before meeting Hasan's eyes. "I didn't have a choice." This was it. This was the moment she was going to shatter everything between them. Swallowing the dread creeping up her throat threatening to silence her, she couldn't help but brace herself before ripping the bandaid off. "Not when my father realized I was pregnant."
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Hasan's Room ✿ Hasan ✿ Fit
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Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2025 8:41 am
♦ 𝙋𝙍𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙃 ♦· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·location DORM ROOM xxxxx company FIO xxxxx outfit LOUNGEWEAR Hasan feigned a blow to the chest when Fio likened the state of his room to roughing it, and then let out a chuckle. "Look, I respect you enough to have a little decorum, alright? Let me at least make the most basic attempt at being gentlemanly." It was nice to know Fio was still just as down to earth, but the fact remained that he respected her -- quite deeply, in fact -- and as such did not want to make her sit in the midst of a pig sty as they got reacquainted with one another. Not that his sparse cleaning was going to make too huge of a difference.
With the drinks poured, he dragged the chair from his desk over and settled into it, so they could speak face to face. In the peace of his room, where they were unbothered by obligations or complications, he finally had a chance to take her in properly, unhurried. He studied her face, noting every detail that had changed -- and all that remained the same. She'd filled out in all the best ways, sure, but those carnelian eyes hadn't changed a bit. Except in that they now hid something... She seemed uncharacteristically anxious, in a way that had Hasan sobering up immediately. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his own drink forgotten in his hand.
It took Fio a moment, but she finally spoke, revealing her departure hadn't really been by choice. That made sense; if she'd been forced to leave for some reason, it explained why they hadn't gotten a chance to say goodbye. And why she hadn't come back. Hasan's gaze remained fixed on her face even as she looked away, though his expression softened at the reminiscence. Even without her finishing her thought, he understood completely -- because the sentiment was one he shared. Although he'd been sent to the border as a punishment, and although the two of them had been exposed to the horrors of war too young... For Hasan, those days had been a time of healing. Fio had played no small part in that; without her, he would have been lost forever.
As she sat up, so too did he, unconsciously mimicking her movements. Finally, finally, she looked at him, and in those tense few heartbeats before she spoke, Hasan scrambled to guess as to what had drawn her away.
Those guesses were wrong. Very, very wrong.
His default response was to assume she was joking, making some playful jab at how he'd been sent away for that very reason. But his puzzled expression faded almost immediately. Fio had never been the type to joke like that, especially not about such a sensitive topic. Which meant she was being serious here.
She was --
"Preg..." Hasan echoed, unable to even finish the thought. He drew a hand to his face and rubbed at his temple. Momentarily, his gaze shifted to the side, as he began to run through the timeline in his head. She couldn't have gotten pregnant before they'd met, because Hasan had been her first, so... His brows knitted together. Had she been seeing someone else while they were together? Not that they'd ever talked about being exclusive. Hasan certainly had been, but he would have understood if she'd...
No -- her apprehension, her body language, the look in her eyes...
"It was mine," he stated slowly, almost inquisitively, on the off chance he was reading into this all wrong. Hasan stared at her unblinking now, desperate for any indication otherwise. All the blood in his body had run cold, despite the ferocity with which his heart was beating. He could hear it roaring in his ears. Surely this couldn't genuinely be happening. Surely there was some sort of mistake. He'd ******** up bad enough getting a girl pregnant at 14; to have done it again not two years later...
Hasan slumped forward, pressing a hand to his face. "s**t. You can't be serious, Fio." ******** hell, what was wrong with him? How did he manage to ruin everything he touched? His parents had been right to send him away.
His parents... "Your father knew? Who else...?" Fio wasn't like the other one; Hasan was confident in the fact that she never would have used her pregnancy as leverage. But he didn't know about her father, or anyone else there might have been. And he wasn't in contact with his mother and father to know if they'd found out. He rubbed his eyes, then sat up to face her, remembering this was not about him. "You... Did you keep it?" God, he had so many questions. "Why didn't you tell me?"
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Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2025 2:54 pm
At first she watched him, realizing that he thought she was joking with him. But the silence that continued to hang between them seemed to sober Hasan instantly. Confusion bloomed across his face. As his hand came up to his temple she wasn't sure if he was upset or angry. He had every right to be, this was something that had ruined his life once. For all of her efforts not to ruin it again it still couldn't have been easy to hear. Fio found herself wanting to reach out, to comfort him with her touch. The only thing that held her back was the fear it wouldn't be welcome in this moment.
The way his eyes turned to her, observed her, as Hasan asked if it was his left her withering under his stare. Pressing her lips together, she could only offer him a small nod in response. It was impossible for anyone else to have been father. At the time she'd only had eyes for Hasan. Being with anyone else hadn't been a twinkle in her eye. Not when the handsome man before her had taken up her every thought as she'd found herself in those early days of teenage puppy love despite the horrors around them. Up until the day she'd been sent home he had been her only.
Finally he slumped forward, as if the weight of it was too much to bear. "Her." Her voice was quiet, but that didn't stop the word from echoing between them like she had screamed it. "I kept her." Letting her leg slip over the edge of the bed, she could no longer take it. While Hasan had taken the news far better than she ever expected, that other woman still haunted him. It was etched in every line of his face. It was breaking her heart for the man she'd once loved. Leaning into him, her palm found his knee.
"I need to make something clear," Absently, her thumb rubbed a soothing line on the inner crease of his knee as she spoke. "My father knew I was pregnant before I did. With how many times he's seen my mother pregnant, it made sense he saw the signs before I did. I couldn't come and tell you because then he would have known." The fact that he hadn't pushed her off emboldened her. Setting her glass on the ground she pushed off of the bed, sitting up before him on her knees as her other hand came up to press into his cheek and make him look at her. "I've never told anyone you were the father."
Immediately after the words were out of her mouth, Fio winced. "Okay. I did maybe tell Nox you were the father, but that was because I was sixteen and a new mom trying to figure things out without anyone else I could talk to. I also might have threatened to hunt him down and cut off the crown jewels if he told anyone else." Her brows knit into a silent apology between them. "He's the only one, I swear." Now that he knew the truth, she didn't want to keep anything from him. Even if it was putting a friend at risk for a beating. A silent prayer to Isixochitl was the only thing she could offer in protection of Nox for keeping her secret all these years.
Sitting back on her heels, she slumped into Hasan's lap, pressing her forehead to his knee. "I never wanted to be like her." Fio didn't know the other woman's name, and in this moment it didn't matter. She bit out the reference to his other child's mother with as much venom as if she did. Her voice softened as she continued. "Aithne is a gift. She is mine and - if you want - mine alone." Apprehension hung in her voice as she managed to squeak out the offer. The idea that he wouldn't want to know anything about their daughter had been something that crossed her mind before, but it didn't stop the fear from settling over her now that she was in this moment.
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Hasan's Room ✿ Hasan ✿ Fit
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 6:59 pm
♦ 𝙋𝙍𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙃 ♦· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·location DORM ROOM xxxxx company FIO xxxxx outfit LOUNGEWEAR "Her."
Once more, Hasan felt as if he'd been hit with a brick. In only four words, Fio managed to tell him all he needed to know -- at least beyond his other question. She'd kept the child. She loved it. Her. A daughter... Hasan had hoped for any outcome other than this -- that she'd terminated the pregnancy, or had given up the baby once it was born. Anything to remove it from their lives, from his life, from his responsibility. If he'd gone on forever without having any choice in the matter, then at least some of his guilt would be assuaged. Instead, Fio had...
He barely had time to parse through the new surge of emotion before her hand was at his knee. At the sensation, he tensed, watching her with an expression that bordered on bewilderment. Was she seeking comfort? Or was she trying to comfort him? Either way, she had brought all this about. He wanted to be furious at the attempt -- yet that simple gesture proved to be a lifeline, grounding him in the midst of this raging storm. Her touch had calmed him dozens of times before, and its effect was no less potent in this moment. And it reminded him that he was not alone in this; however poorly he was taking this information, she had surely suffered much more. He'd done something irreversible to her, and she alone had bore the responsibility all this time.
So he listened quietly, focusing on the feeling of her thumb against his knee, struggling to reign in his mounting frenzy. When she moved to kneel before him, he caught his breath, expression pained. Her hand was warm against his face -- but not so warm as the immediate spark of indignation that ignited in his chest at the mention of Nox. Nox, his dearest friend, his brother, had kept this earth-shattering secret from him for seven ******** years? His eyes sharpened, and his face twisted in unfettered rage. Whether Fio had threatened him or not was --
No, no. Of course he had not said a word. Nox was a man of honor, and it hadn't been his secret to share. Hasan had not deserved to know back then. He was not sure he deserved to know now, either. The anger faded from his face, and was replaced with something sad and hurt. As Fio leaned against his knee, he set his untouched glass down and gently pushed his fingers through her hair, combing the bangs from her face. His hand stilled momentarily at the mention of his first debacle, but after a moment, he let out the breath he'd been holding.
"Fio, I'm... sorry." God, how was he supposed to convey everything he was thinking, feeling? "I didn't..." Where was he even supposed to start? "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. Or for... Aithne." Using her name felt almost forbidden; what right did he have to say it? "And I say that because I know that even if I had known at the time, I still wouldn't have... I wouldn't have been able to support you anyway. I would have been a terrible partner. And an even worse father. I would have ran away."
It was an ugly truth, but the truth nonetheless.
"I wasn't ready to own up to my responsibilities back then. And I'm not sure that's really... changed. That I've changed." Uglier still. Even if Fio was offering to absolve him of the matter completely. To suddenly want to take responsibility after all this time felt as wrong as continuing to avoid it. "You were well within your right to keep it from me, but it... it feels like you took a part of me, without me knowing. And now that part of me is just... out there in the world. I --" At a loss for words, Hasan sighed and rubbed his temple. "I don't know. I don't even know if I have the right to feel any type of way about this."
Softly, stroking her hair once more, he added, "But I do know you aren't like her. There was never any doubt in my mind." Which was what made this all the more difficult. It had been easy to send that girl and the baby away; he hadn't felt anything for her, and there had been no way to prove the child was truly his. With Fio... He cared for her deeply. He was most certainly Aithne's father. How could he even begin to pretend he had no duty to them?
And yet, how could he even begin to pretend that he did? To waltz into their life after so many years? Aithne was old enough now to recognize there had to be a reason her father had never shown his face...
"Fio... I don't want to abandon you now. If you want me to be a part of your life. Of her life. But I know that's not something I can do carelessly. I just... I need some time to think about it." And if she didn't want him around? If his hesitation was proof enough that he was wholly unreliable? He wouldn't blame her in the least. He wasn't sure he would extend that much mercy if he was in her position.
Regardless, he couldn't ignore this. He wouldn't. He had to live with this now, one way or another.
After a moment of silence, Hasan asked, "What does she know about me?"
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2025 6:10 pm
Every tiny action, from the sharpening of his eyes to the way his expression seemed to melt into despair, felt too loud. Too easy to notice. It had been part of why she had lowered her forehead to his knee. The weight of every emotion he deserved to feel was too much. When he finally spoke, it only became worse. The apology was a sharp knife to her heart. A bittersweet relief soon following in it's wake. This conversation could have been so much worse. Sometimes when she pictured this conversation, the Hasan in her daydreams was excited. Most of the time? He was angry. Tense, bitter refusal to believe her and a door slammed in her face.
It would have been foolish to believe that he would just step up and into their family like she hadn't robbed him of the choice. Yet, his response left her with mixed feelings. Even back then, when she'd spent the months wondering what could have been, Fiorella had known that Hasan wasn't ready for fatherhood. Between the talks they had about his other lover and her child and the occasional mention of the future they shared together it had always seemed like he was comfortable where he was. He was easygoing and free, smoothing down her overly serious edges with ease. It had been something that had drawn her in.
Even now she still found herself enjoying it.
The fingers he'd threaded through her hair moving once again forced Fio to blow out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Pulling her head up and back, she found the wrist of the hand that had threaded into her hair. Gentle hands guided his to her cheek. "I didn't come here for an apology." As she spoke her thumb found his pulse, stroking along the soft skin inside his arm. "I'm not sugar coating things and telling you what I think will soften the blow. Motherhood has been good to me. I wouldn't change what happened for all the riches in the world. But..."
Hesitation drew out her thought, forcing her to stop. Nervously, her eyes dropped off to the side where she could focus on their abandoned glasses. "If anything, I owe you an apology. You deserved to know before now." Sucking her lower lip into her mouth, she bit down on it. There were so many things that she had only let herself think about before now. Giving them words was that much harder. "I knew what happened, yet I took your choice away when I left. I don't expect you to just forgive that. My mother, well she wanted me to terminate. I just... I couldn't. I didn't know her yet, but I wanted her regardless of what anyone said to me. I didn't want you to know, and I told myself I was protecting you." There was emotion in her voice, one that she herself couldn't place.
Every instinct in her body didn't want her to admit anything out loud. Weakness was something that could be preyed on, something that could haunt her. Worse, it was something that could hurt Aithne. But this was Hasan. Whether he wanted it or not, they were bound far beyond a battlefield romance. More importantly, he had her trust. "I could have fought harder to find you. To tell you." Crimson eyes found grey once more as if his gaze could give her strength to admit out loud what she already knew in her heart.
"I was scared."
The weight of her admission hung in front of Fio, as if her own weakness was on display. She didn't need to say what she was scared of, any answer he could have provided would be correct. Rejection, responsibility, all of it had seemed so daunting. Something she had only made worse with time.
His next question drew a smile out of her. If nothing else, his curiosity felt like a good sign. "I couldn't tell her much, not without the risk that she would say something to my parents." Though, maybe that didn't need to be as much as a concern as Fiorella had made it out to be. Her father wasn't a stupid man and in hindsight she wasn't sure that her pining over the prince before her had gone unnoticed. On some level it was possible her father saw what she was doing and stayed silent, accepting her refusal to name the father as a sign not to say anything. It had still felt safer not to tell anyone more than the little glimses here and there she had given to Aithne.
Shifting, she no longer sat back on her heels. Standing on her knees, Fio's fingers traced the curve of Hasan's bottom lip. "She knows she has your smile. That she gets the same mischievous glint in her eyes when she gets a bad idea." Her eyes dropped to watch her fingers trail down the curve of his neck. "That I left you behind on the battlefield to come home and have her." While it wasn't a perfect truth, it wasn't a complete lie either. Her eyes cast back up, catching his once more as her palm came to lay flat over his heart. A heartbeat stretched out between them before she offered him the second admission she should have given him seven years ago.
"That I loved you."
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Hasan's Room ✿ Hasan ✿ Fit
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Posted: Sat Jan 25, 2025 4:28 pm
♦ 𝙋𝙍𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙃 ♦· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·location DORM ROOM xxxxx company FIO xxxxx outfit LOUNGEWEAR How Fio could really feel this way about having a child at the tender age of 15 was beyond Hasan's grasp. To him, such a thing was damning -- and he'd never had to do a single thing in either case. Was a mother's love truly so profound that it negated all of the trouble she had been through? Having Aithne had forever changed the trajectory of her entire life -- did she not mourn her missed opportunities? Was some part of her not furious with him for causing this to happen and not being dependable enough to help her through it? Hasan quietly stroked her cheek as he attempted to grapple with thoughts. It didn't make sense to him, no matter how he tried to approach it. Maybe he would never understand. But maybe it didn't matter. This had been Fio's decision, and he... had to respect it. He had to accept it. He had to find a way to move forward.
When she apologized to him, he frowned and lightly shook his head, equal parts grateful for the acknowledgement and guilty for wanting the acknowledgement in the first place. Whatever his feelings were, he knew she had suffered through a great deal more. It felt childish and selfish for him to be angry at all, especially when the option of walking away forever was still on the table. And yet the fact remained that he felt… violated, in some strange way. Twice now something had been taken from him without him knowing, without him wanting. The knowledge of it rotted deep inside his gut.
Even if he’d been the orchestrator of his own suffering.
At Fio's proclamation that she'd told herself she was protecting him, the smallest of rueful smiles broke through his grim expression. He was shamed that he was so undependable that she felt he needed to be protected, but the fact that she believed he was worth protecting at all, that she would even try... His heart ached with affection. He brushed his thumb over her cheekbone. "I do forgive you. You did what was best for you and Aithne, I can't blame you for that. It might take me time to work through my own feelings, but that's on me. I know I... didn't make it easy on you, being the way that I was. That I am."
Oh, how the guilt was eating him alive. It swallowed up the anger and the hurt and everything else in its wake.
"I could have fought harder to find you. To tell you," she said. Hasan cupped her other cheek with his hand, tenderly holding her face as she held his gaze. "I was scared."
Hasan's eyes softened, along with that ever-present wrinkle between his brows. Of course she'd been scared. Mother or not, soldier or not, she'd still been a child. And so had he. “You had every right to be. Waiting until now was probably for the best.” As best as best could be, anyway. “Even if you’d told me a couple of years ago…” He winced at the thought, knowing he would have taken this much differently. He would have been more angry than full of self-hatred, for one. The war had done a great job of helping him ignore the wretched bleakness of his future, but now that it was over, he had no choice but to face that aimlessness and despair. And to reflect on all that he had done to get him here. This newfound failure included. “Well, it… doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.”
Though the gravity of the situation had not yet lessened, he was glad to see her smile. There was fondness in it – love. She clearly cared for Aithne very deeply. Her caution was understandable, of course. As a potential heir to the throne, Aithne could easily become a target if word got out. And frankly, the less she knew about him, the better. No child deserved to bear the knowledge of their father being a scoundrel. He nodded once, allowing his hands to fall aside as Fio rocked back. The tender touch to his face brought him back to those nights under the stars, to the feeling of losing himself in her and feeling at peace, if only for a little while. But he remained rooted in the present, listening to her words. Did she truly see so much of him in Aithne? And not a shred of it was anything but –
"That I loved you."
Beneath her palm, his heartbeat stuttered.
Time had not unwritten what Hasan had felt for her back then, but it had not helped him to acknowledge those feelings in so many words, either. He’d spent seven years dismissing those emotions as infatuation, a fleeting affection, because doing so had made the sudden loss of her easier to bear. Knowing now she’d felt the same way, that she was able to admit to it… Hasan struggled to reign in his surging emotions. One part of the wave was happiness – the relief that their time together had meant as much to her as it had to him, that she’d believed him to be someone worthy of something like love. But the rest of it was…
Ah, yes. Suffocating, agonizing, oppressive shame. He’d beared his ugly soul to her, and she’d loved him in spite of it, for all his faults –
And still he had failed her.
Hasan gently grasped onto the hand at his chest, no longer able to meet her eyes. Idly, he rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. “I… never got the chance to tell you back then how much you meant to me. You saved me, Fio. From becoming an even worse version of myself.” Why was he so afraid to say it back? It didn’t even matter now. Never in his life had he felt so pathetic and small. His gaze fell upon on his forgotten drink, and he swallowed. “I owe you more than I can say. More than I could ever do in return.”
Nope, he was absolutely not strong enough to deal with this. Briskly, Hasan moved the chair back so he could get to his feet without jostling Fio out of the way. He grabbed his drink and downed it in one go. The burning in his throat, at least, was something for him to focus on, as he took a few steps like someone about to start pacing.
“Look, Fio, I…” Hasan faced her suddenly, despite his body’s protests that he needed to move. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not handling this well. I’m not good at… this.” He made a vague gesture, as if it could possibly convey any depth to his meaning at all. “I wish I could say I’ve matured since you last saw me, but I’m not sure I have. I want to do better, I just – I don’t know how.”
The humiliation of his crash-out was killing him, but Fio deserved to know who he was, what he was. And if she chose to walk right back out that door, he wouldn’t fault her in the slightest.
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Posted: Sun Feb 23, 2025 4:48 pm
It was good that he knew. That he didn't blame her for not telling him. Yet that didn't stop her heart from aching in response to his words. Or, more accurately, to the words he couldn't seem to say. A wry smile crossed over her face, one that she turned her face down to keep mostly hidden from him. It wasn't entirely surprising that he couldn't say those words back, but that didn't make it sting less. It felt silly to expect it. It wasn't like they were going to pick up and play happy family like she hadn't hid the fact that he had a daughter from him for seven years.
The touches had been nice. Soft, gentle brushes like he was worried about her in this moment. Part of her was frustrated, knowing that it meant that he wasn't taking her admission that she enjoyed motherhood to heart. But she couldn't blame him either. Not many would have taken to having a child so young. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, goddess above knew it. But that didn't make it inherently bad either. Not the way he was implying. Suddenly he was shifting back. Getting up. Pacing. Sitting back on her heels, Fiorella pushed her hair back out of her face and watched him.
All the sudden he was whirling, facing her head on as she shifted back up to sit on the bed to be more comfortable. At his admission that he wasn't handling this well, she couldn't help but let out a laugh. There wasn't anything bitter in it, just amusement. Her brows hitched, knitting together as she looked at him with a mixture of amusement and pity. "Honestly? You are taking this far better than I expected you to take it."
As he gestured, she caught his hand. Giving it a small squeeze, she pressed her thumb into his palm to knead the tender flesh there like it would cease some of the anxiety that rippled off of him.
"Hasan," She paused to shake her head. "I didn't tell you to push some kind of responsibility onto you. I'm not asking you to come home with me and be a father. I don't expect you to be the most mature or know what to do. Goddess knows I didn't." The memories of learning how to hold a baby properly and how to look out for warning signs for illness made Fiorella snicker. Diana had been so frustrated with her, but once the baby had come had taken on the role of doting grandmother. One that was trying to make sure her grandbaby was getting the best care. "I'm still learning. I think all parents are, really. Would I like you to get the chance to meet Aithne someday? Yeah. But that's your choice. One that you don't need to make right now. One I'm not asking you to make right now."
"We'll be okay." Her expression melted from one of amusement to worry in seconds. Knowing what she was going to say next had her standing, still holding that hand she'd captured in an effort to try to calm him down. "But will you be? This is a lot. I knew it would be a lot. I can't tell if you're trying to tell me what you think I need to hear or push me away. Which if you need me to leave, that's fine. I don't really know if I should let you alone, but I could go get Nox or -" She'd cast a small gesture to the door, realizing she didn't really know who all would be best to call for under the circumstances.
"- One of your sisters maybe?"
Even as she suggested it, the idea made her wince. Considering his first child had gotten him kicked out of the family, maybe that hadn't been the smartest thing to say. She wanted to reach out and touch his face. Somehow it didn't seem like it was her place. Instead, her free hand came up to rest gentle over the hand she was already holding. "What do you need right now baby?"
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Hasan's Room ✿ Hasan ✿ Fit
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Posted: Fri Feb 28, 2025 7:35 pm
 ♦ 𝙋𝙍𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙃 ♦· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·location DORM ROOM xxxxx company FIO xxxxx outfit LOUNGEWEAR Fio laughing was a good sign... right? She was not so disgusted or disappointed that she couldn't find a little humor in his antics. Hasan was certain he looked quite the fool right now, pacing around like an overgrown child. But if doing so could earn the nostalgic chime of her laughter, he could live with acting like a clown. Even if he still felt like he was doing this all wrong. He’d been running away from his own emotions for years, which had served him well thus far, but it had certainly not prepared him for how to face those emotions in a situation he could not run from.
No, that wasn’t it. He could. He just…
Didn’t… want to?
A terrifying thought to have, when all the blood in his body felt as if it were about to burst out of his skin. Hasan didn’t understand how he was supposed to handle those terrible feelings welling up inside him without sweating them out, or beating them out, or drowning them with something brutal and potent. Was he supposed to just… stand here? And feel them? In front of someone?
He made little headway in the time it took Fio to grasp his hand, but immediately he fell prey to the hypnotic sensation of her thumb pressed into his palm. It was something else to focus on – something tactile, and real, and not some nebulous dark cloud born of his self-hatred. He searched her face as she spoke, studying every shift in her expression in case her own emotions betrayed her words. The habit was shameful, he knew; Fio had never been anything but honest with him, and he had no reason to doubt any of her assertions. That part of her was something that had drawn him to her in the first place. She was straightforward and grounded – a solid foundation amidst the storm of his erratic tendencies. Still, to fully accept that she would be okay with whatever he wanted…
Hasan’s gaze shifted to the side in thought. What did he want? Even if he stripped away all self-imposed sense of duty, all affection for the woman before him, was he capable of making a decision that would satisfy himself? Let alone one that would make Fio happy. Or one that would be best for Aithne.
He took a breath, releasing some of the tension from his shoulders. If Fio didn’t need an answer right now, he could take some time to think it through. Time was something he desperately needed, and he owed it to Fio to take this decision seriously. In the mean time, if he could just get it together…
Hasan dragged a hand down his face as Fio spoke, embarrassed that he was in such a sorry state that she didn’t know what to do. “No, that’s… I don’t need you to leave. I don’t want you to leave. I just…” Have a ton of emotional baggage far beyond tonight’s revelations. Hasan grimaced, and after a moment, settled back into his seat, not once drawing back from her hold on his hand. “Sorry. I know I’m all over the place. I don’t know how to…” He made another face. “Process my emotions. It’s more than just this, it’s – it’s a lot coming up all at once.”
And none of it he wanted to burden Fio with.
Even now, he felt that awful buzzing under his skin, incessant and suffocating. Hasan shook his head; he needed to focus on the present. Something surmountable. A baby step.
“I’m not trying to push you away, Fio. And I’m not telling you what I think you need to hear. Until just a few seconds ago, I didn’t have any idea what you wanted. Or didn’t want. Which maybe made me panic a little. I’m just trying to do what I think is right. But I don’t know what the right thing is, so I’m really…” Hasan’s expression twisted, and he ducked his head to hide his face. “S…truggling.”
Pathetic. Weak.
"Feels like every decision I make is the wrong one, even when I'm trying to do good. I always ruin things. I don't want to do that to you. Or Aithne."
Hasan heaved a sigh. “But that's... a personal problem. I don’t mean to make it yours too. You…” He peeked up at her. “Are you and Aithne… good? Safe and well taken care of? Happy...?” Above all else, that was what was most important. Hasan gave her hand a squeeze. "Maybe... knowing more would help. So my imagination doesn't run away from me. If you're willing to share."
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Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2025 7:08 pm
An ounce of relief washed over her. He didn't want her to leave. That was good. Possibly even better than good. None of this had gone any of the ways she had once imagined. No screaming, no shouting, no slammed doors, no fist fights. The anxious energy, however, was new. Unexpected. Somehow kind of charming. Hasan had been through so much before she had ever met him, yet Fio could not once remember him taking a moment to breathe. To feel the things that everyone needed to feel.
This felt like it was incredibly private.
But he'd asked her to stay. So she would.
Settling down across from him back on the bed, she made no effort to release his hand. Not when it seemed like he needed it in the moment. But as he sat before her reeling, she listened. Listened and tried not to preen at the fact that she felt so needed in this moment. Which was easier the more his body seemed to fold in on itself. The more he seemed to collapse the easier it was to just be there for him.
Part of her heart ached, knowing that this was how he felt about himself. How was it so completely different from the way she saw him. He'd always been so strong. Like a beacon for Fio to aspire to when she watched him out on the battlefield. Maybe it was her naivety at the time, but he had seemed so wise to the world when she was so young and fresh to the fight. Watching him downplay himself, the man she saw in him, left an ache in her chest.
Finally, the small squeeze he offered her hand kick-started her back into breathing. Gently squeezing back, she found her voice. "I told you, you don't need to apologize to me. Not tonight, and not for this." Dropping her gaze down to their hands, she took a moment to organize her thoughts. Having Aithne had made her better at these kinds of conversations. It still didn't make her particularly great at them when she was more the sort to barrel in head first with the truth.
"You're allowed to struggle. You're allowed to not know how to feel and need time." Looking up, she met his eyes again. This time her face was stern. Scolding. "But you don't get to tell me you ruin things. You haven't ruined a damn thing in my life and you better get that beautiful, arrogant head out of your a** before I pull it out for you Hasan. You didn't make this baby by yourself and I certainly didn't give you any choices when it came to having her." With a huff, she softened. "I know I can't change your opinion of yourself in one night, but you're not giving yourself enough credit."
This time when Fio squeezed his hand it wasn't intentional. It was the result of a chuckle when he asked if it would be alright if she shared more about their daughter. "Oh no, I have to do one of my favorite things in the world and gush about my daughter? The horror." The sarcasm was heavy in her voice. Amusement danced across her features as she leaned back to get comfortable, still not dropping his hand.
She wouldn't until he let go. Not until he no longer needed that tether.
"Safe? Definitely. You've met my father." With a grunt of amusement, she tried to shoot Hasan a knowing look but it turned into rolling her eyes. Ampellio Affini was a very passionate man when it came to his family, more so when it came to his only daughter. His only granddaughter was a whole new ballgame.
Shifting, she considered the second part of his question. "As for happy? I hope so. I know sometimes I piss her right off." Fio laughed. Not a chuckle or a scoff. A full laugh that started deep in her chest. "But it's all fair because she pisses me off sometimes too. You'd be proud of her. One of the village boys was teasing her a couple months back because he thought she was pretty and she handed him his a** on a platter. Do you know how hard it is to apologize to someone's mother when you agree with your kid?"
A small, coy smile danced over her lips as Fio looked up at the ceiling. She wasn't sure how Hasan was going to take this next part. "She started showing a couple of months ago. I've always said she looks more like her daddy, but it really sealed the deal when she ended up with crystallokinesis."
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Hasan's Room ✿ Hasan ✿ Fit
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Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2025 2:33 pm
♦ 𝙋𝙍𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙃 ♦· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·location DORM ROOM xxxxx company FIO xxxxx outfit LOUNGEWEAR The idea of not apologizing felt so... wrong. And that was probably because his current emotional state also felt wrong. He was supposed to be stronger than this, braver than this, hardened by all he'd gone through and all he'd resolved to become. Perhaps he'd only been fooling himself with such notions; it seemed that no matter how hard he tried, he was always so quick to crumble. How was he ever supposed to be of any use to anyone like this? How was he supposed to live with himself like this?
Mortifying as it was... Something about Fio's words left him feely oddly soothed. She made it sound true, that he was allowed to be weak and there wasn't anything wrong with that. Hasan disagreed, of course, but if she didn't think less of him for it, then he could maybe allow himself a little bit of a break. For now. With her. And maybe opening up to people a bit wasn't all bad; Fio certainly held a much different perspective -- and a whole lot more wisdom.
She was right, Hasan realized. He had been so wrapped up in blaming himself for everything that he'd never stopped to consider others might not share that opinion. That there might not be anything deserving blame at all. What right did he have to single-handedly decide that something had been ruined? It was still so hard to not feel guilty for not being there, but doing so definitely wasn't helping Fio. Doing so was maybe making things more difficult. So for her, and her laone, he could at least try.
"Hmm, but you do so much better of a job of pulling my head out of my a** than I do," he teased, a bit of that sparkle returning to his eyes. This was good -- this was better. He could breathe a little easier now. Particularly when Fio was so pleased to get to talk about Aithne. It was strange; even after all these years, he was still so eager and so thrilled to make her smile.
The mention of her father left a grin on Hasan's lips, and he nodded in recognition. Duke Affini was a force of nature, even without counting the military prowess. Their family certainly had the number and determination to protect Aithne from any harm. Hasan supposed if no one else knew about her paternity, there was no reason for her to be targeted -- but if that changed, she was probably as safe as she could be outside the walls of the castle.
His smile only broadened when Fio laughed, like a dog all-too elated to have pleased its human. Oh, how he'd missed this. This was how he'd expected their reunion to go, laughing together like they used to, filling in the years they'd spent apart. The topic wasn't one he would have seen coming, but at least he'd been right in thinking it might make him feel better.
Because he was proud, strange as it felt. For a child he'd never met, when he still didn't didn't really feel like a father. Didn't feel like he had any right to say he was. And knowing Aithne was a fighter because of her mother, because the rest of her family, and not because some of his blood was flowing through her. Despite all that, the pride remained. "Atta girl," he urged. "With a spirit like that, she's gonna take the world by storm."
Yet with Fio's final proclamation, it was impossible not to feel the reality of Aithne's parentage. Resemblances could be explained away, but crystallokinesis was rare, and for good reason. Hasan hadn't discovered his own ability until a few years ago; for Aithne to show signs at such a young age... "Damn. You've got a prodigy on your hands. Let's hope she's better at it than I am." He spoke with a smile, but the pride he felt was beginning to twist in on itself. He wanted -- needed -- Aithne to be her mother's daughter. The less of him in her, the better.
Because Hasan didn't want to leave a mark on this world. He wanted to leave it and be forgotten, for his memory to be lost to time. But Aithne was undeniably his, wasn't she? Whether he was here or not.
"I guess if she needs it, maybe I can provide a few pointers. I'll bet she'd be the one teaching me soon, though. When's her birthday?" he asked, not wanting to let that fear take root. They had a good energy going now, and he didn't want to ruin that.
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Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2025 3:58 pm
Something in her words had worked. Finally. Hasan was becoming the man she remembered again, that mischievous glint returning to his eyes as he tried to get cheeky with her. This was so much better than the apologetic mope that had been trying to insist he ruined her life. Which, honestly, if he had tried to tell Fio one more time that he'd ruined everything by getting her pregnant? She would have decked him in the face. She knew this was a lot for him to take in and accept, but she was still human and there was only so much she could take at a time.
Thankfully it wouldn't have to come to blows. Now they were sitting there, hands linked together and she watched his face, searching for the emotions that crossed his face as she talked about their daughter. Whatever storm had gripped his heart seemed to have passed. Especially now that he was encouraging their daughter's behavior from a distance. Another laugh slipped out of her as she leaned forward, gently pushing against Hasan's shoulder.
"Oh not you too! You sound like my daddy when she came home with blood on her knuckles from kicking that boy into next Tuesday." She leaned back, blowing on a rogue lock of hair that had fallen into her eyes like it would get the hair to move. "You should have seen his face. I don't think I've ever seen him that proud before. And if you were there? She'd start thinking all problems could be solved with her fists."
This felt good. It was like a dream, getting to talk to Hasan like this about Aithne. Almost literally. This had been something she'd dreamed of for years. Somehow the real thing was so much better than all of the ways that her imagination had twisted this moment.
But there was something in his face, in his tone, that twisted when she mentioned Aithne's powers. "Hasan..." Worry bled into her tone, trying to figure out how to backpedal to try and get back the more playful version of him she'd been starting to get. He'd been wanting to forget his anxiety and here she was stepping right in it.
He seemed to realize where the conversation was heading though, quickly pivoting into whether their child could use some pointers. "We'll see about that. She's showing, but she sure isn't an expert. If you didn't mind, I think she could learn a lot from you." The idea put a dreamy smile on her lips. One that she couldn't help beaming at Hasan. If only one day. He didn't have to come back to her, in fact, at this point she wasn't sure if she expected it. But the idea of him spending time with their daughter? It still warmed her heart.
"June fourteenth." The answer to Hasan's question rolled right off of her tongue. It almost felt like the day was etched on her heart. It had been stressful, terrifying, but also one of the happiest days of her life. "I've got the time, so I'm hoping we can get back home before her next birthday."
For a moment she hesitated. Wondering how he would take her next thought. But it was a thought that she was determined not to keep to herself. Fio’s tone was laced with caution as she continued. "You don't have to, but if you would like to come visit for her birthday next year you would be welcome."
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Hasan's Room ✿ Hasan ✿ Fit
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Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2025 7:59 pm
♦ 𝙋𝙍𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙃 ♦· · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·location DORM ROOM xxxxx company FIO xxxxx outfit LOUNGEWEAR God damn, she’d drawn blood? Hasan let out a little laugh, lifting his hands in mock surrender after Fio pushed his shoulder. “She sure wouldn’t be wrong to think that,” he teased. “At the very least, it’ll keep any other kids from taunting her, once word gets out.” Okay, so maybe Fio was right about him being a bad influence. Getting that kind of encouragement from her grandfather was probably more than enough – but hopefully not so much that it overshadowed whatever lessons Fio was trying to instill in her. Hasan being there would definitely tip the scales in the wrong direction, the way he handled conflict. And encouraged bad behavior. And was not above personally threatening a literal child to protect his own.
But he supposed being a parent meant putting your personal feelings aside, and making whatever decisions were best for your kid. Hasan had no idea if he’d be able to do that, with his history and propensity for, well, being himself. He would have to try, though – no, not just try, but do – if he was ever going to show his face in front of Aithne. The logical part of him knew one single meeting couldn’t possibly ruin the trajectory of his daughter’s life, yet he couldn’t quite shake that irrational fear.
It was something for him to work on between now and then. One step at a time.
Fio said his name – in a way that alerted him that he was not so good at hiding his emotions as he thought. But she didn’t press, and for that he was grateful, because he was desperate to not speak any more of his shameful feelings. Maybe he could test the waters with being vulnerable another time; he’d humiliated himself enough for one day.
He shifted in his seat, settling into a more comfortable position as Fio warmed to the idea of him teaching Aithne a thing or two. Her comment made him laugh, a little louder now. “A lot might be pushing it. I’ve been pretty bad about training these past few years. You should have seen what I was trying to do right before you came in.” With a lazy gesture, he summoned the chunks of malachite from the desk, holding them in a slow orbit above his palm. “Nah, I’d be happy to teach her what I can.” He smiled at Fio, eyes crinkled and gaze warm. “I mean it. I would.”
The thought of that wasn’t so scary. He couldn’t ruin her life with a bit of genuine guidance, right? Crystallokinesis was a b***h of an ability to inherit, and while he had every faith that Aithne would soon outpace him, there were a few pieces of wisdom he could impart on her that he knew would help. Everything that had been hard-learned for him would feel a lot more meaningful if it made things easier for someone else.
“June fourteenth,” he echoed, rocking back in the chair. “June is… pearl, alexandrite, and moonstone. A very auspicious beginning.” Did he have any of those gems lying around? Maybe he could… send something back with Fio. As a gift for Aithne. Maybe without mentioning him just yet? Hasan released his mental hold on the pieces of malachite, which fell into his palm. He closed his fingers over the shards. “It’s not like they can keep you here at the school, right? You should be able to go home whenever you want. Especially if you’ve got a kid waiting.”
He righted the chair with a soft thump, intending to make a quick sweep of his scattered rock collection to find something for Aithne. Pearls were a no-go; he didn’t keep those around, since they weren’t technically gemstones. Moonstone was softer than alexandrite, so that would be better for her to play with. But an alexandrite would last longer…
Fio spoke again before he could stand, and – to the surprise of no one – Hasan froze.
This time, it wasn’t the idea of meeting Aithne that worried him. He’d more or less come around on that front, still-remaining irrational fears aside, what with the committing to help with her crystallokinesis and all. It was just that setting a date made this very real – and it was nearly nine months away, when Hasan was being very cautious about not making plans for the future.
It took a few beats, but after a bit, Hasan relaxed, easing back into the shape of his chair.
“Yeah,” he said, at length. There was hesitation in his voice, but it quickly faded as he continued to speak, surprising even him. “Yeah, I’d… I think I’d like that. She’s turning seven?” The pieces of malachite clinked together as he fiddled with them. And suddenly a new concern took root. “You sure it would be okay? I’m not so full of myself as to think most of Thah knows my face, especially when I haven’t shown it in years, but… Your father and mother – they won’t be suspicious?” Hasan had no qualms about sneaking around, if that’s what it would take; he just didn’t want to ruin seven years of Fio keeping Aithne’s lineage a secret.
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