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Sometimes? Dead of night, Waru wondered. Just ten thousand things that ran through his mind loudly enough to startle him awake, and then up and disappear the next time he blinked. He didn’t know whether t’call it frustrating, or infuriating, or ominous or some s**t like that. Waru couldn't pin down what drifted through his head like smoke—

What was uncatchable, wiggling, facelessness lurked there, in dark corners, rudely refusing to show its true form. T’explain itself for waking him at all. But as he sat in Ren’s room; swathed in silken sheets with threads beyond his own counting, mood lighting just right for the eyes, daylight just barely creeping in— or maybe all the way up? He felt it once more; like a tightness in his chest, like a warning. That tilted equilibrium that made him wonder where he stood in all this? The time they’d spent together before, puzzles missing chunks of pieces, and pictures unfinished.

A rushed masterpiece. A chocolate missing its cream center.

How in spite of it all; the swiftness of the proposal, the waiting he’d made Ren do after, the way life tugged them apart at a hundred miles per hour n in thirty different directions. How that didn’t matter because he told himself he loved the man he’d believed Ren to be. Loved him and was so sure, with all of himself, that Ren loved him back the same. Like, he had to, right?

Ren— who Waru felt was more than his mask, than his words, who was larger than a bank account and shinier than all the polished diamonds in the world. So the ******** was he worrying for — over what?! But the knot sat; didn’t budge, or uncurl, or leave just because he rubbed at it beneath his breastbone.

He needed to know if they could talk. He needed to put names to things. He needed to — Wanted to— ******** badly — grind off the burred edge that made him feel so ******** — intrusive — like he’d missed three steps going down the stairs and was still trying to catch himself on the railing. Like he’d missed something big, maybe? That concept felt right, it stuck, it tugged at all the strings that set him into motion, out of bed, and looking for Ren in the well designed vastness of the place.

He couldn’t stop being in awe, not even now.

Couldn’t stop worrying he’d — ******** — dirty the carpets by breathing? And Waru laughed quietly at himself, at how silly that all sounded in his own mind. How right it also felt, to worry like that here, and nowhere else, and not be able to pin down why.

He shook it off, the nibbling of those thoughts, turned a corner— called out to his husband.

“Hey, Ren? Ollly—olly—oxenfreee!”

“G’morning sunshine. Soo—m’just in time, huh?” trailing down to meet the man, dragging loose fingers through loose dreads. Waru stood shirtless, in little more than gray sweats (the kind he’d been told time and again his boys liked on him). His smile for the sight of Ren was sleep-fresh and soft. A little bleary at the edges, a happiness hedged with playful curiosity.

“Y’sure? Looks t’me like you started the morning early—“ it fet good to tease, naturally, to slowly encroach on Ren's space as his fingers walked the vast, cool to the touch, marble countertop. As if the sight of the man had chased the thing that woke him — however briefly — from his mind.

He told himself wouldn’t let the opulence of the setting spook him, wouldn’t be deterred on how the trappings of wealth made him feel like a flea-bitten-stray. Focused on Ren and Ren alone. The man a centerpiece in every room; a glaring blotch of silver shrouded in black silks, easy on the eyes and easier still to get drawn into — to forget everything else *in*.

Because it was so effortless to be just a body; some physical, feral thing that loved through sight, n touch, n taste alone. A creature that delighted in igniting all its senses against the singular matchbook of another — indulgently — it was the simplest thing in the world to do! Waru thought he could’ve, that he wanted to, far more than anything else do exactly that. The ring around his finger was cinched key and permission slip and so much more—

An unlimited, lifetime free pass! A tiny ripple of enchanted fire, a band of heat that also served as a shield. It was so hard *not* to indulge in the freedoms that came with it. To cross what felt like a thousand miles and sit himself next to his *husband*.

His— owned and owned alike in equal measure, and if all that was lacking was the knowing? Those small pieces that filled the cracks like caulking and glued the whole piece together? Then that was fine. Waru was sure it wouldn’t take much to fix that…

“S’fine, cause I’ll take you up on the coffee—“ a rough purr burred with sleep-gruffness. Waru sidled up into Rens space, let his eyes fall to the man’s lips with something like a plea held within them.

“After this? I kinda want my breakfast first.” His tone implied that he didn’t mean food, the way he ducked his head slightly. Ren was the meal, the sustenance, the cure to what ailed him just then.

After coffee — after a kiss — after, after, after!

Waru promised himself he’d pin his own slurried thoughts down and — ******** — get his s**t figured out.

“Tease—“ a jackals grin and flash of teeth, but there was no ire behind it. No angry heat. Only a rough husk of breath, and the way Waru’s eyes narrowed in longing as his husband danced away from him like smoke on a breeze. Waru wanted to chase after every touch that left an imprint on his sleep-warm skin, to ditch the sweatpants entirely, and instead make himself the first real bite Ren had that morning.

A whole buffet—

“A little bit of everything—-“ lyrical and nearly to himself, talking aloud even if there was no one to direct that talking too. Because Waru couldn't have stayed quiet if someone paid him. “All of the time…” the sound of tongue-tip kissed over the back of teeth. A non-answer that ended in a thoughtful humm.

“But right now? I really just…” and he did finally go for the coffee, took his time with his back to Ren. Focusing on the simplicity of the task while his mouth ran on without his permission. “I feel like talking to you.” He tilted his head and glanced back to where Ren stood, a glance or two added sugar, added cream. Kept on — “Honestly. I’ve been having the weirdest not-dreams…I can’t pin anything down in ‘em…s’all vague nothingness?”

“Makes me ********’ uneasy and s**t….” Waru was frowning as he said it, the lines around his eyes; scrunched from so often being full of smiles, looked troubled when he frowned.

“N’ I think I know why,” sounding only semi-sure as he took his first sip. Cupped the mug in both hands and let it warm them. His smile coming back easily enough. “So! S’my goal for the entire day — you — My everything. My anything. Gonna give you all of my time.”

“Oh yeah— terrifying,” the laugh came so easily, at himself, because Ren's face was extra cute when he was amused. Sometimes? He wanted nothing more than to make the man smile…

“And you’d better like it! Heh, there’s only ever been the one way t’try n’shut me up, and sometimes? Not even then. It takes a really thick sort of gag…” like he was allergic to being serious on any subject, even when it was what he wanted most. It was never in his power to keep it up for long, a straight face, a frown, a focused topic.

Sipping more of his coffee to stifle the urge to follow his own bad habit off a cliff. His eyes narrowed slightly over the babysitting comment…

And he wondered…

“Actually…I think m’worried about us, but?” he’d never quite understood the comment even if he knew the subject of it. Wondered how long it’d been since Eion had relayed anything. If his other husband still considered — and no — the mission had stopped being a mission a long time ago — Waru had never felt right making it one, even if he had taken on Aelius as a subordinate. But things had grown — changed — the task had been rescinded in Warus mind if no one else’s own.

But how could Ren possibly know this? Couldn’t have, that was a fact Waru aimed to remedy with the same show of care and force he intended to use to spend the day around the man that seemed to — maybe — by all accounts? Want him here. Even if Waru was unsure of it — even if the feeling almost made him nervous to consider. Gods knew ******** why! He liked being around the people he liked!

He just — and the realization that he wanted to know his husband — this man — Ren! Not just be a body in his bed, or a visitor of the night, or a really nice ******** cherry of a car parked in the mans garage.

Gods did he like that car…

It was one thing to know what his loves tattoos tasted like, to know how his hair smelled after a shower, or how soft his face looked wrapped in pleasure. It was another thing entirely to know that same man’s mind mind…

Waru rwalized he didn’t. That was the uneasiness, the unnerve, second guessing his own guesses instead of doing the obvious and asking! Talking! Figuring it out. Between them? He knew he could.

“There’s that baby elephant in the room t’tackle first though....huh?” The coffee easily set aside, just for a moment; a gentle scrape of claimed space atop marble as Waru wandered back after Ren. “I get the feeling….that maybe you n Aelius don’t like each other?” A gentle humm of a question, chased with a quick follow up of words.

“I’m not asking you to. Just like I wouldn’t ask him to like you back…just like I…” and he wondered if he would’ve asked Eion? But no, that has no place here, that was a different subject entirely. “But m’not—it’s not babysitting…kay? Isn’t even a mission anymore. Never really was, not on my end. There’s — if I was smarter? I’d say there’s evidence t’show that kinda s**t backfires every time…” he couldn’t expect Ren to read his mind, had to get comfortable with dipping his toes into these waters too.

With the concept of being married, twice over, that the ring meant they could talk like this and come out the other side unscathed. Working backwards — awkwardly — from being just a body in a bed to being an open mind searching for another.

“Heh— but m’not, the evidence is just my own experiences. N’leme tell you, love? That s**t backfired so hard. Blew right the ******** up in everyone’s faces…almost kinda literally…” Waru shook the memory off, swallowed something sour — and maybe he did want to tie Rens day up — to drag him back down into bed n keep him close enough so as to be cocooned — light n dark all wound together, his fingers sliding through all that silk.

Waru assuaged that urge another way, by hovering, searching Ren's angular features, his dark eyes.

“But I can’t expect you to know that through ********? Osmosis or some s**t? N’ So maybe I should be telling you. More about me — n how I function — n the s**t that scares me off. Maybe I should be asking you about yourself?” He realized he needed that, to express it, to tell Ren! He needed the man, not the money, and the ride, not the car. The ******** he hadn’t already — the why — because he didn’t want to chase him off? To ruin what felt so tentatively bonded together?

He knew he couldn’t live that way, had to trust in Ren being made of stronger stuff the way he believed the man to be.

“Cause I want to…cause I need…I need that, kay? All the inside stuff, the red messy bits, whatever’s up in your head? I need you, I wanna know you. N’I mean that ******** sincerely….”

He wasn’t sure what Ren was talking about at first; the way it felt to him like there were endless depths to the man, to most people, and how he wanted to mine him for every mineral rich scrap!

How every spec of information seemed vitally important as it was desirable. Just as worth sinking his teeth into as the origin of ‘Taenite’s origins, or the reason the expensive wedding ring had such a lovely glow trapped in its sleekly made center.

He wasn’t sure how to explain to anyone — to Ren specifically — the bottomless depths of his greed for people and their stories. That if Ren was a collector of goods? Then *he* was a collector of beings — of life — of living!! Waru wanted it all; the mundane and the glamorous, the small and large. In droves and in legions. He wanted to experience it all first hand as much as hear about it!

People and their lives, people and their living—

He almost frowned at the idea that Ren might think himself too boring for his own husband's interests. Too shallow a vessel…

N’aimed to ******** amend that at speed.

“Heh—S’ah pretty ******** good one, as far as starts go!” smitten was a way to put it, the soft relief that stole his features as Ren appeared to shore himself up and then throw the gates wide open with hardly any hesitancy.

“And I want to see those pictures—“

“I wanna know where ‘Ren’ came from— “

“I wanna travel with you.”

“Not just for ‘honeymoons’, either? Doesn’t even have to be anywhere nice — could really just be to that warehouse of yours to explore it! But I used to do it more often, yanno? N’it was just — a few states when I was younger, if we’re not counting my home— I’ve never had that kind of independent luxury as an adult…nothing that was more expensive n’ah road trip close by, or backpacking, or camping with friends? All kinda locally in the last handful of years — relatively speaking.”

And since Ren was sharing? Looking to Waru the slightest bit like a tension line waiting for a knife, like he was maybe ready to cocoon himself behind an armored mug of coffee? But only casually so — in the most nonchalant way.

So of course it made sense to offer—

“You can learn a lot about people on those —“ he almost wanted to demand it, that they go lock themselves in a car and drive until they ran out of gas — until they were hours into the middle of nowhere with nothing but each other. “Y’know you can always ask me anything, yeah?” somehow fidgeting even while standing still. Eyes twitching the length of the man, fixing on those silver strands so briefly caught and released. The way he wished he could snatch his husband back into bed and play with the silk-spun to the touch bits of silver.

The way he wished he was ever up early enough to just watch Ren sleep for once.

“That I’ll always answer ********’ honestly as I can. S’the least I can do—-the way I feel like I’ve been neglecting you? And how that’s the last thing I wanna do, Ren…makn’ distance when I should be working to get closer…” the slight wince as he reached for his coffee once more. With wry one else it’d felt easy?

With Ren—-

But he knew that was his own fault in so many ways, couldn’t get to know the man if he was dodging out of every door, window, n crack. If he didn’t get the ******** over whatever bit of bullshit made him feel like he was just — ******** it up somehow?

“N’fact—if there’s some way t’assure that? That we get to know each other. That — that you’re good with me — uhm — and it sounds ******** stupid, but I don’t wanna mess up whatever you had going before? Like— heh — it’s silly t’ask if I have been..isn’t it…” and he knew he could ramble himself into a hole so deep even the devil himself would be amused at the layers he left behind in his franticness.

Couldn’t hurt to make sure tho!

The soft huff of laughter that spread his grin till the corners of his eyes crinkled with it, he’d never imagined a road trip planned out before. The way he’d always done trips in the past; a beginning, an end. With everything happening in-between those two points unmapped. Hell, maybe it’d be nice this once? To commit to something with forethought and purpose, to eschew the chaos that came with doing things completely spontaneously, without so much as thinking twice about it?

Waru was certainly open to the idea, wanted to answer in some affirmative and found himself nodding instead, holding his tongue briefly as Ren spoke his piece. It was the easiest thing in the world to agree to, a trip, just them. However it got planned out? He craved that one on one — that secure aloneness under some moon-lit, star smattered sky.

He thought it was ultimately a sweet gesture, the way Ren offered the idea up like a private gem from a personal collection.

The way the man offered everything that same way—- and Waru wondered how he’d missed it. How he kept missing it, Ren's sincerity, the barest twinge of nerves that he took as concern but couldn’t parse out what that concern was for—-

The way panic lanced his features, struck his smile into the mud; so much praise, such thoughtful words, chased by — the hint of doubts — a self-chastisement. He had the urge to tell Ren ‘No’; to make the lovely man take back the words and give him more all at once! It sprang to mind and sat on his tongue like lead as he initially panicked. It’d not crossed his mind why Ren had asked — except for all the ways it had — and to hear Ren say it aloud? To watch Ren aching to work through what — if he was so good at any of this s**t — he should’ve clearly seen!

Potentially being the cause of this frisson he could feel between them like grains of sand on tile floors. That he’d be so easily forgiven for by someone who clearly loved him, and how did he repay all of that?

The fear that he couldn’t —

“You’re not selfish for having feelings—“ Rushed on the heels of all that praise, like laying tarnish atop silver. “For ******** asking, okay? It’s not like I couldn’t’ve said no.” It wasn’t like he’d wanted to, either. Not in the moment. Not now. He could admit that to himself, to Ren, how he was equally selfish in some ways.

That he was greedy for far more than his due, for the whole world if he could have it!

All his endless wants—

“And I worry that I could.” He winced, in spite of all of Ren's reassurances, the way it felt wrong to doubt such a reasonable sounding argument. How he could only ever be himself and plod through like an ungainly rhino the thoughts that kept him up some nights. “I believe in myself in all things, Ren. ********, the ego in me, yeah? ******** — which means I absolutely believe that I could ******** all of this up for the both of us — that I will — n’when I inevitably do?”

He wasn’t sure who he was trying to reason with, himself, maybe. Playing devil's advocate to no one, for the sake of his own detriment.

“When all the flaws in me start to cut into you. Cause you’ll weather it ********’ quietly — won’t you? M’blameless in your mind — the way it sounds like you love me — till I really start t’affect things n’you leave for your own sake. ”

It was a false fear, Ren assuaged it easily, but he still had to say it. Because Ren was right that there was more to him than that — just like there was clearly more to Ren than his place. Or the sex — the money — the intrigue —

“You’re more t’me than this ring, yanno? I didn’t say ‘yes’ just to prove a point. I meant what I said, that I wanted — that I want more — But I also don’t wanna be a — ******** — what’s the word?” It wasn’t his word, but he’d heard it before, some saying from his other love. He lacked a deeper understanding of the meaning, but had always gotten the gist of it. “An albatross around your neck.” He didn’t know why it was albatross instead of anchor but he didn’t question whatever weirdly poetic euphemisms crossed his path.

“You have this whole life you live that I don’t know anything about, n’if I squint I can see where I’d fit in it — n’where I wouldn’t —” softly sincere and he fidgeted with energy he didn’t know how to properly diffuse. “And then, because I love you, n’Im determined to figure out how to do this right? I worry.…” he knew it would become a snake eating its tail, this thing in him, lacking an outlet, lacking clarity. He wished he’d had the words polished, his own feelings more ready to bear in plainly spoken ways. He didn’t, blowing out a breath, frustrated with himself and his own unsurety.

“About a million other bits of asinine bullshit — but — ******** me — it’s not like it’s things we can’t weather, yeah? T’work out if we just…communicate n’s**t…which…I feel like I’ve been failing at. At least sometimes.…but we can fix that, can’t we? Like we are right now. Together.” Hopeful, because he believed in them, because if Ren really meant it? That there was no way he could chase the other man off, then he could do his best to match that energy, to prove Ren's faith in him right.

His near argument over that being the entire point collapsed beneath the weight of Ren's laughter; the way the moment pivoted gently in another direction. He just about whined for it, because he didn’t know what to think! But then again, when did he ever? The realization was laughable and Ren's words were both an easement of his issues and spiked burr rubbing beneath his soft palette for all he didn’t know.

For all he wanted to know—

What he would know, someday. It was already decided, at least in his own mind and further reassured by Ren that they were in fact NOT failing upwards spectacularly. That there was time—-

He hadn’t lost him yet. He could breathe. ********, they could even do it together. The breathing part at least, which admittedly took Waru a moment to strangle down and manage one stilted inhale-exhale at a time, until it became some easy and natural thing. He didn’t have to drown Ren in an avalanche of words — to anchor him down like stones — they could do this!

He could do this—

If he only, just — the lip he’d bitten unconsciously was freed, gentle sighs slipping past it, a sound that became a chuff of laughter, chest deep and slowly building for the tease. The way Ren pulled it out of him and his grin ticked up into something less strained feeling on his face. What could he do against this wall of praise? The impenetrable fortress of playful calm before him?

Gentle kisses and casual touching and he was so easily derailed for that — so quickly gone and wanting to lean in and reciprocate just as playfully.

“Ahlright — hah — you win — cause sexy as I’d be? As we are together. I can’t pull off silver as good as you…least…not just the one loc…” leaning closer, reaching to clasp his large fingers around the slim wrist of the hand that’d touched him. He marveled at the differences, thumbed his way along a pulse line; a benign fidget. Though he would’ve caught fire if he tried to deny that he liked feeling Ren's pulse beating just beneath his skin.

That he wasn’t enraptured by the promises — both too much and never enough and exactly ******** right!!!

“Can I have this morning—“ because someone had gone to the trouble of making them breakfast, even if it wasn’t Ren himself? Waru wasn’t one to squander gifts or look in the mouths of horses. He wanted to appreciate the moment. To savor it. To eat with his husband and then —

“And the rest of today?” Moving close enough to shadow the man, to press his forehead against Ren’s, catching his eyes with fond severity. Seriousness wound through his softened tone.

“Tonight—-“

“Forever.”

A plea, and he knew he wouldn’t last the week in this house, that it wouldn’t be for what Ren maybe feared; a lack of want, a lack of devotion, or a lack of love. That it would be his own damn nature that would whisk him off to wander—

But maybe he could work on that too? On showing Ren that it wasn’t a matter of ‘rather’ or ‘need’ — or — maybe —


After breakfast he told himself he’d feel more sure. Would have the brain power to find the right words instead of simply all the words he knew. He knew it.