***
"No Waru. It can't be. That's like saying being an alcoholic or drug addict is ok because those people say it's ok. Does it have to be their choice to fix it? Yes. Of course. But most of those people have an intervention by someone who cares enough to fight the fight with them.
"It doesn't matter how big or strong you are. That behavior from Faustite is not ok. You flat out said if he did that to anyone else it wouldn't be ok. Why is it ok towards you? Just because you can take it? Accept it cause you say it's a part of who he is? That's wrong, toxic and your doing both of you a disservice.
"And what's he trying to do? Please tell me because right now, today, what I saw want trying. He walked away twice. Once after destroy a bench he was ******** sitting on and then once after flat out attacking you. That's not trying, Waru. That's someone who need to be informed that that's not ok. That that is hurtful.
"And fine. Maybe you won't say anything to him. Maybe will have to contribute to be the bad guy that it sometimes feels like I'll always be anymore.
"But go ahead, Waru. Why won't you lash out at me? Why is it that you won't? Because you know it's not alright to do that. You know it drop down but keep making excuses for Gaustite.
"And I get it. I do. How many times have I been on the receiving end of it. Never, not once did I protest. I took it as my due. But seeing him hit you like that over some WORDS. Word that were needed to be said? You didn't attack him in any way. That reaction was unnecessary and I didn't realize how horrid it was until I got to sit there and watch it happen to you. "
"It's totally ok to accept each other. I swear it. But it's not ok to turn a blind eye to each other's toxic faults. As a couple you should want to better each other not just shrug a shoulder amd be like 'welp. It is what it is. He can't change. ' cause that's ******** up.'
***
"But this isn't that, Aelius. What it is. What you're saying it is---"***
"What is it then, Waru?"
***
"It's the kind of thing you don't excuse.....It's the kind of thing you throw bodies off of roofs over n up n ******** *leave* without the starseeds for—“ “Not stay around *n'take * while trying to fix all polite n love-like."
"Cause what you're implying here? It's not like with the starseeds, when that was his issue back then. His addiction? That was some self-destructive trait, n in his nature to do so. He couldn't help that, it wasn't his fault, and it took magical intervention t'cure it -- Everything else? We just happened to be in the crossfire of it all at the time. This though? If this is what you wanna imply it is, if I ******** treat it like that......"
"Which I wont, because it isn't, because this is different---but for arguments sake let's say it was him being abusive t'me?"
"Then I really only know the one way to handle it, Aelius. And it'll destroy me, n it'll destroy him. The second you ask me to change how I perceive things---*with this*---the second you ask me to be better than I'm able to be?"
"And hell, maybe you get him to change, right? Not by being the bad guy, just by being the one who knows him best -- or longest -- or -- ******** it? Maybe you all get to move on happily without me while I lag back here n'just...."
"Be ******** alone, I guess? Because I can't seem to pick right...even when I think I am...Not everyone can -- ********' -- be better than they are, okay? There are ceilings to places. So sometimes we keep making the same choices, in different forms, but because it's better than the last one by a whole lot......."
"Sometimes we don't want too much change too quickly, or hell? Even at all. "
"Heh...I like the monsters I've married...I don't want them to outgrow me...I don't need them to change...or be more human or....not the way you do, and you can call it what it is. ********* up*. Because we are, aren't we? Isn't that how we're all here t'gether in the first place?"
"I wouldn't have it any other way. *I wont.*"***
"Waru...I don't know why you think you'd be left behind? He. Probably for similar reasons I think it, but...I can't imagine Faustite ever leaving you. You two are so entwined with each other I don't think we could ever pull you two apart.
"While I can't stand here and tell you that we won't ever fight or we will stay together through it all, I can say I have no intentions of leaving you. If you'll let me stay by your side that is.
"I know iam going to struggle. I know I am going to ******** up something so badly you'll want to scream at me. Hurt me. But, I have faith in you that your wouldn't do that. You respect me too much. Even if we weren't together.
"And look. Even if we are arguing now, Iam doing it because I care about you. I care about Faustite. We are here talking it out. You didn't hit me in a fit of anger and walk away.
"But, I hope for that myself one day. To love someone half as much a you do Faustite. But....I'd be upset with myself if I just that person and they were afraid to tell me that what they're doing is not really ok. And... say what you want, but you're afraid Waru. Afraid that Faustite would walk away.
"I get it. I do. I....I didn't say a lot of things to him. Haven't told him how his words hurt me so much or his physical retaliations. The scars I bare are both my own mistakes and his.
"I don't want you to bare anymore scars Thabo you need to. Do you think Faustite wants that? To keep hurting you? Creating burn scar after another? "We can all change. Change is inevitable in one way or another. None of us is live stagnant.
"Honestly, I thought like you. Thought I couldn't or wouldn't ever change. But here you are. You've proved to me I can. Helped me get there. Iam still working on myself. Probably always will be too.
"But, I want to bring this up to Faustite. He deserves to atleast be told about it. So he's aware. Maybe he doesn't even realize it's something he does? We are both victims to it."
***
[darkcolor=green]
*"Don't call me a victim--"*"It's that s**t, right there -- this isn't some -- '*Oh, my poor circumstances n I've suffered greatly*' s**t. Not for me it isn't. And don't you put it into his head that it is! You keep that, and all your fear talk to yourself, because it didn't exist before you brought it up. I didn't think -- just -- a whole lot of things before you, okay? When he nearly killed us -- and I thought 'oh, he loves Aelius enough that m'not even a thought.' The talk me n him had to have after that to resolve the doubts that sprung up from it, or the way you ********' worried more about what he'd think of us sleeping together than -- idunno -- how I felt about it?"
"So, m'sorry if it might be a thing for you? Okay. I sympathize. But I'm not that, and it's not in me."
"And I'm pretty damn sure he's aware, Aelius."
"Not aware that it bothers me, no. I've never said it has, never had a reason to. Because It sure as ******** hasn't before -- not the way it does now apparently! So, I guess we get dragged into it together because you saw one glimpse of a thing n'now think the rest is wrong--"
"Which makes me wonder what else would be a step too far? Everyone's words are always so pretty. But it's the actions that matter. The way none of my other 'relationships' are even really 'relationships' -- they all come with rules, n boundaries, n ******** -- a million things -- they purify out or die trying -- *Ei's the only one* -- the way he is now? Gods know how he was for you back then, but how he's been with me? The fact that I'm into this should be the warning -- it should be your warning, Aelius."
"Just because you don't piss me off in ways that make me wanna throw you out a window doesn't absolve me of all the other s**t I have done n'will still do."
"You're gonna make us -- *have me question every little thing* -- that's how this is gonna go! It'll all get picked apart under other peoples lenses and in the end I'll have to walk away from it."
"It won't be about people loving me at that point. Or even about who I love......"
***
"See. The bad guy. The bad guy for wanting those I care most about to be their best selves. For trying to be better for them. But it's fine. My role to accept.
"But sitting here and telling me it's ok for you two will never be ok. You can keep talking down on yourself, Waru. If it's my turn to take the brunt of the cursing and hate, then so be it. But, not once. Ever. Did I say that everything you have with Faustite was bad or wrong. Just one thing. One singular thing.
"If you aren't willing to talk to him. Fine. Stay out of it. Pretend that you knew nothing about it. Let him be angry at me. Hate me. Rage against me. You stay safe in the bubble you are too afraid to pierce. Cause...I get that too.
"But I am telling you this now. There are very few people in my life who I trust as much as I do you right now. You don't understand how much it meant, so means to me, that you stood by me. You were the only one willing to deal with my break down. Even Faustite had tossed me away as too much of a burden to handle. But you didn't. You had the opportunity to walk away but didn't. Saw some of the worst of me.
"You have my trust me than Faustite and I am sorry if I hurt you. I never said I was perfect. I know I have many flaws and will contingency to make mistakes. I should have asked how you were that morning. I should have not been a complete jackass with Ren.
"Even if you don't want me around I am not going anywhere. Not really. Even if it's just a friend I'll be there for you. "Even if you hate me in the long run because I am not going to let this go. You just... you can just not be a part of this fight. And that's fine."
***
"It'd be really nice if I could hate people when it actually mattered, yanno? M'not exactly known for it -- m'more of a -- love everyone n'till they cross me n'mine the wrong way kind of guy? Retribution n all the bullshit that requires as a precursor -- ******** if I know...gods...Aelius..."
"I get it, alright? I do."
"*I just *--- He just came back? He could leave again, and stay gone, and die— He'll never take me with him over there -- I'm not useful to him the way you would be -- *I don't work like that *-- not that m'not good for a mission, but..."
"Whatever, all right. You wanna go and fight a fight that literally no one's asking you to? You be my guest.....even if I wish you wouldn't....or that you'd wait, or..."
"If I thought I could stop you without killing ********-*---” “thank you for the apology though, kay. S'fine, really, you're not a mind reader n's**t...you can't know what I don't say...and I'm never one to ruin a moment when, hell, sometimes? It takes me days n'weeks to really think on a thing."
"And---no offense, but if this is the line in the sand for you? It makes sense that -- with Faustite? The way he couldn't be there for you then. Jeezus, if I'd known then even half of what I know now I would've told you two ******** *not* with the rings -- saved you both the heartache -- cause neither of you were ready for that, not with so long together, n'not with so long apart -- I romanticized too much of it, the pocket watch with the picture n everything else? I didn't realize how bad it'd been for both of you before…. "
"I wanted it for both of you as badly as I know you both did.” “And me helping you out after s**t hit the fan wasn't because of who you were to me specifically. You’re a person, Aelius. Someone on my team who needed someone, and I'm a whore for being needed. Plus, m'coming from this place of overflow, always. While our boy burns at a ********' deficit. So I can't hold that against him. He's never once harmed me, this itty-bitty hurt isn't harm."
"Heh–” shaking his head, a wry smirk of disbelief, a note of longing. “I am gonna hold you to that, Aelius. When s**t inevitably hits the fan, and I call in your promises..."***
"It wasn't your fault. We threw ourselves at each other without any thought to the fact that we had both changed. Your encouragement or discouragement I don't think would have changed anything between us. Iam still bitter about it. That he threw away our vows when things got hard. It's one of the reasons iam trying to tread slower now. Take my time. Let us actually get to know each other instead of acting like teenagers desperate to feel something enjoyable.
"Now, we can both argue about hurt and harm. Cause, that mark right there, that's harm. The scars on my back were harm. Whether we thought that in the moment or not. "
A shrug. "If you want me to wait, I can. But for how long? How long do we let it go? Until the next time? Or the time after that? It may not happen that often but it's become obvious enough to see. But, I can. If you really want me to?
"And please. Do hold me to it. Remind my a** of today if you need to. Gods I hope you don't, but if there's one thing I like to pride myself on its my loyalty to people I care most about."
***
"I think he wants that too -- he said that, yanno? That what he wants is a ‘partner’. Not a ******** in a gilded cage. The way he wanted ******** pause until -- s**t, something about meeting each other on whatever level? I wasn't having it -- I wasn't interested in hearing him out -- I just wanted you two ******** don't even know what I wanted anymore...."
"But I'm proud of you both for wanting better than me. For knowing you should have it better with each other?"
"And that's not how I've been taught to think of -- gods -- harming someone or being harmed by them? This -- this ******** hurts -- but -- Harm isn't something you can take back, or apologize for? S'more intentional then -- like -- the way he lashed out back there? Harm leaves marks you cant see n wounds that won't heal -- so t'speak?"
"Hurts are different -- smaller in my mind --- but that's just me, okay? S'how I see 'em. The reason behind what was done t'your feet is harm -- what was done to him by her -- that too -- but this little tit'mark? The fact that you wanna talk to him and I want to forgive him for it, that makes it a hurt, Aelius. Otherwise we wouldn't be doing this at all -- You? Would do the ********' sensible thing n'tell me to *leave* the person whose deliberately *harming* me. Not try'n change them while hoping they don't do it again…”
“Y'see the difference?"
"One thing is inexcusable in my mind and the other isn't. So I can't call this ‘harm’ or else I can't ********–” “You could change the whole world and I'd still choose to walk off the face of it if it were like that–” “My boundaries are ********' weird ones but they do exist somewhere in me."
"And if you could just wait until you have an actual thing t'run by me? I don't wanna be surprised with this -- I can't handle that -- I'll think I can, the way I thought I could handle being b'tween you n Ren, and then I didn't? So-- a warning would be nice, from my very loyal, a** of a friend."***
"OK. I can understand your definition of harm to hurt. It comes down to the intent. I think there is a way to overcome someone who harms you, even via your definition of it. Time is.... she's a cruel mistress and can make those harms and hurts not as pungent. To look past them. There's also people who do truly want to change, and do it. You may not ever forget what they did, but you can eventually forgive to a point.
"But. That's not important. Not right now, anyway. Cause we don't know if there's intent or not. Not truly. We can assume one way or the other but... he's made it clear he doesn't want us to do that.
"See. I swear iam listening. I just an an idiot when iam overly emotional.
"You're such a good person, Waru. You have the biggest ******** heart. I sometimes wonder how different things might have been if you'd been around faustite and me years ago. While, I never would wish Schorl on anyone, and am incredibly happy you've not experienced her, I do wonder if you would have made things a bit different?
"But, yea. I can do that. I won't say anything to him until I talk to you. Figure out a game plan and all. Cause I don't want to set him off, or malt r him inconvenience. That's not my intent in any of this. I just...I want us to be the best versions of ourselves whatever that may look like? However long it takes.
***
"You can overcome someone who harms you, Aelius. I believe that. You can even forgive them. Me? I'm not that kind of person. I'm serious about this....and I need you to believe me when I say that if this is where it's all taking us -- if this is where it ends up going?"
"Then there isn't some magical time mistress where s**t gets rewound n' comes back to being all good. *Not for me*. I don't let go of that s**t --*I*-- will find a ******** rooftop, or the end of a place. Me? I will find a ******** hill in the Rift for us to both die on if this turns out to be the way in which he's wronged me."
"I need you to be aware of that before you push things thinking you're doing good."
"T’know that it's very important, at least to me, that this is a '*no harm done*' kinda scenario and stays that way -- I ain't gonna clarify his intent here, not me -- cause you can't make it a cake that I can find palatable enough to eat just because you want me to! He can't be both, consciously, my *abuser* and the man who loves me enough to burn the world for me -- *that's*-- like -- some weird ********' double-think bullshit that not even I can let slide....."
"So? If you can do both n'say he can change for the better n'someday yadda yadda forgive him -- that’s great! But I can't -- which is why I tell you if I'd known that Schorl made him into your abuser -- and she would've killed him if he hadn't I'm sure -- but if I'd known ********' before?! I would've actively stopped you two."
"You need to get that about me. No soul mate bullshit -- no pushing any agenda -- I shouldn't be doing it now, but I took you to bed and you were so ******** worried about *him*....And I keep thinking of how you two were done wrong by, like, the universe as a whole?"
"So, I am glad we're not assuming things at least. Cause -- ******** -- I don't know how I'd handle that."
"I do know that Schorl would've cut off all my limbs and used me as energy cattle tho. I wouldn'tve helped you two any back then...I couldn't have even helped myself!"
***
"If it's any consolation? I don't think he's doing purposely. I really, really don't. I don't believe you have to worry about that part, and if he is....Well, we will figure that out if we need to. But, I'll be right there at your side. The whole entire time.
"But, I appreciate you would have stood up for me like that. Our past, unfortunately, had a dark shadow that just makes everything hard to decipher. I was terrible because I couldn't adjust. He was forced to be what he as to me to survive cause I have no doubt Schorl was pulling his leash. Iam not massive in that. Probably why it was easier for me to forgive. Not forget. I don't think I'll ever forget. It's partially why I lost my s**t last year. But.... that's water under the bridge now.
"I wouldn't wish Schorl on my worst enemies. So believe me when I say iam incredibly glad you never even laid eyes on her beyond whatever memories you've glimmered from Faustite and me. That alone is probably too much to be honest.
***
"We'll all walk into the Rift together then? *Great.* Sounds like a good plan -- I can hear Trey now -- *'hurt my little brother and I'll ******** kill you'* -- someone send Headache t'let him know he won't havet'ah expend the effort even that much. I’ll handle it on my own -- and ********, the idea of him burying you again is really kinda depressing....."
"M'glad you love me n'all, that you think I'm so good. T'the point where you n'me just -- what? Ignore each others warnings; n'the bags of starseeds you bring in like a loyal cat, n'if I have a dead ex? When you just -- *legit* -- learned anything about -- ******** -- lets say my family, yeah? Like a few weeks ago...."
"*But it's good -- it's fine -- I'm fine.*"
"N'You two went through so much s**t -- literally -- your ability t'water dragon all've it away's amazing as his is t'disassociate n cope. I would've at least tried to kill her the one time -- maybe twice if I got lucky? Maybe I'd piss in her eye -- and she'd have to eunuch me -- and I'd ******** laugh in her face about it -- "
"*Ufffhhhh*---I wish you weren't doing this. I know he ******** isn't. I know it. S'the doubts, m'not ********' infallible to them, okay? I'm down with my manipulative partners, n the headpats, n mind games, and them being the way they are -- everybody gets what they need. Me especially. Thoroughly enjoying my happy-a** self—"
"It's never s**t like that with him though. He's always ******** clear, Aelius. He always explains things so damn well....I can go to him for anything and he gets me..."
"He isn't like the others – it’s never just sex - it's why I ******** married him, because I knew in my bones how different he was -- this is -- can we find something else to call this at least? I feel like -- ********, like abuse looks different, or feels different, yanno?"***
"Heh. That's certainly something my brother would say. He's always been a bit protective of me. Even if I don't need it. I guess iam just as bad though.
"He won't be burying me, though. Come on. Try and relax a bit, k? We will get through of this. All *three* of us. Cause ******** have my own atonements to make. To both of you.
"The s**t I've said isn't OK either. I've yet to apologized to Faustite for it all. My own hang up. We all have em. But like, I felt like my apologizing for the words I said somehow means iam forgiving him for walking out. But it doesn't. So... yea.
"What you've done for me has been incredibly good. And if I was going to ignore warnings, would I have called you out during that conversation with Ren? Or you vice versa calling out my stupid jealousy? Waru, we are only just now staying to get to know one another.
"I'd be like this even if we hadn't slept with each other. You were already a person i cared about even if i tried to tell myself otherwise for the longest time. I enjoy tone spent with you. So, I honestly hope you'll call out my bullshit cause it's the only way iam going to learn.
"We all have our own issues. And no. No, I won't call it that. We can instead just call it a concerning pattern we've noticed. Or... or....I dunno a toxic trait? That sounds just as bad as abuse. I think I prefer patterns. Does that work for you? Something else?"
***
“You should thank him instead— maybe even him n Trey — for being right about me if nothing else. Cause you were soooo pissed about being my ‘mission’ before — and even moreso my friend — you only wanted him t’handle you — and now lookit you — ********, look at us?”
“We’re a — I don’t know — a really fresh mess — I kinda ******** hate it? Not the parts where you’re happy, n’alive! Not the good parts. I like those, those’re the points that matter!”
“Just this part here.“
“Cause it’d be nice if in the process of getting to know you all my s**t didn’t get fundamentally changed and leave me wondering what the ******** that says about me as a person, being someone who chooses to be okay with things like this? *Over n over.* Just, I invite you in n the place is finally how I like it and *now* you wanna rearrange all the furniture without even asking…”
“Not without asking…just…you know what I mean, yeah?” He hoped Aelius did, he wasn’t sure he knew what he meant himself sometimes. Like he was scrabbling against slick tile to say what should’ve been right but only ever came out wrong. “And no, never mind, you call it what it is—whatever you want—he’s not an idiot. The only person softening this s**t benefits here is me, n’all the soft words in the world aren’t gonna change this. Or what comes after.…”
“For better or worse? There won’t be any undoing what you’re asking of me once this is done. You like me now — and I’m like this — will you like me different? Will I like him as much if he changes — these are the kinda things you’ve gotta ask yourself, Aelius. Before any more pins get pulled — where you’ve had me the way you’ve had me *because* you were healing…”
“You haven’t had to have me any other ways. Not the way I’ve gotten to have you.”
“So we’ll see….put all that fresh optimism to the test…and really just…hope things turn out okay I guess…”
“*What I’d give*…to not for once be the cause of my own problems. M’thinking this must be one of those ‘no rest for the wicked’ things, right? Wouldn’t that be funny…”
***
"Let me explain that a bit. The last time I was handed over, not as officially as he did with you, was the night I was caned. He walked out of that damn room and didn't come back for weeks. He knowingly left me with her.
"I guess it's safe to say I have a bit of PTSD from that. And...I didn't realize it. I was a god damn messd back then. So emotionally compromised that I lost my s**t. I just finally had hit that point where I couldn't keep plugging up leak after leak.
"I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.
"And, I am not trying to change everything. I don't want to change anything but, that right there? That's not ok. I am sure Faustite will realize it too. He loves you.
"Look, I don't need to have you any specific way. I am native enough to think that there aren't more mountain and valleys to you. Shadows and light. If I want interested in getting to know those parts I would have never gone to bed with you. You aren't just a means to my healing end. I am interested in getting to know *all* of you. We will focus s**t out, but don't worry about that right now, ok? What we are is fresh and new.
"And, if you aren't interested in that now, then we go back to being friends. But, even a my friend, I can't not say something. It's not just for you either. It's for both of us and anyone else that may come in the future.
***
“You don’t forgive him for it, do you? You still hold him accountable for things like that—“
“I don’t think I’d have it in me to do that. Not for things where I know—whatever it is I tell myself I know? But I’ve never been on the brunt end of it, yeah? That version of him didn’t exist for me so I can’t actually say ******** anything…”
“No more n I can stop you from doing ********* really no honeymoon period with you is there? S’just, zero to a hundred all the time — you’re like a really fast car n you shift gears so ******** smooth that I miss it every damn time it happens and it catches me the hell off guard— or maybe it’s just me?”
“I’m thinking it’s me. S’gotta be…and I’m gonna worry…just…really quietly..kay? M’not — I’m not ******** friend-zoning you though. How shitty of me would that be? To not give you at least the same courtesy I do everyone else…”
“Like some kinda — trial by fire — like that’s the only way I know how t’do anything, seriously. Which’s probably wrong of me too? But ******** if I know another way yet…”
“But m’willing to figure it all out so long as you are.”***
"I...."
"I want to say I do. I feel like it's so long ago that I thought... think I do? But then, something triggers the memory of it. How I felt then and how it feels even now?
"Maybe I want some justification for it. An explanation? An apology? But, at the same time I am not expecting it anymore.
"What if I just told you it's complicated? How I feel about that day in particular.
"And...look, if you are truly this uncomfortable about it we can wait. Let it all go for now. Make a promise that we won't bring it up unless it happens again? To either of us? Would that make you feel better about... this?
"Or perhaps, instead of going right in for it, try and maybe figure out why it is he lashes out? Honestly, that's probably a better way to approach it.
"But I don't want to make you unhappy or make you feel like I am coming in like a ******** wrecking ball to everything you have. So, we can wait it out. Give things a chance to settle on their own.
"But, I do really wish he would stop running away. He's laid ground rules for me that I am trying my best to follow but it's starting to feel a bit like a one way street. It's... frustrating. But, I am giving him grace.
"Glad you aren't friend zoning me though. Giving me a chance and all. I really do appreciate that. I appreciate you for dealing with my stupid-a** self.
"Yea. I am willing to figure things out with you and him. I am just sort of realizing how much of a bumpy road it might be.
"Guess that's why they make seatbelts."
***
“I’ll take the *‘It’s Complicated’* category for five hundred on the board Jim — *it’s complicated*, you trigger each other, you both have; *‘I have PTSD’* rolled out like a ******** red carpet at your grandiose entryways— *you* hide it better — *he* is ******** covered in it like warning signs — but you both wear red so bright it bleeds and I came into this *knowing* at least that much.….or knowing better and not caring in spite of the ******** obvious…again? The s**t I tell myself…”
“N’don’t appreciate me yet — later, maybe? When this is done—“
“Because not even Pandora got to put that s**t back in her box. *Y’can’t just* — introduce it t’me n backpedal while pleading for calmer waters cause I’m panicking. The roofs already off the house — it’s not you who tore it up — you’re just bringing it to my attention that it’s missing and *thats* what I’m snarling about…”
“The idea I never had one in the first place. The same way you can’t be not nice to yourself—“
“And I think we need to revisit that as a rule — neither of you does well caged when you both clearly need the ability to walk away from each other in order to diffuse things sometimes…I want a house left to stand in, Aelius. Chaining either of you down might keep ending badly…”
“So — yeah — seatbelts — new rules — *be ******** nice to yourself* — jeeze“
“Y’think it’s a control thing? The banishing us when he’s done. The running? That we’re Senshi, that he loves us, that he wants us safe—“
“Because he’s dangerous on a good day, but he’s always pulled his punches with me… With you too I think? We’d both be dead otherwise — but that isn’t the point— it’s when he’s frustrated and *doesn’t* have the words because I’m pushing — I can think of every time this sorta things happened — not the playful s**t — we’re kinda naturally rough with each other — but this is….”
“Idunno — I don’t remember exactly*why* he burned you..I don’t even know if I remember how we handled it after but I feel like we did?”
***
"I wish we didn't. We have so much that happened between and around us. I want to talk about it. I had hoped it would maybe help or ease some things between us but, he refuses. Won't even contemplate the idea so...yea. I've just...I am leaving it alone.
"Funny you think I hide my issues better though. Considering my absolute melt down a year ago. Please don't blame yourself or think too much into how you have rooted for Faustite and me. Honestly. s**t was bound to happen. I wanted him a much as he wanted me. Atleast, that's all I can assume since he was the one who proposed to me in the end.
"I want saying to ignore it or pretend it wasn't a possible issue. I was saying we could set it aside for now. We *could* wait. I just don't want you to feel pressure. Take some time to process it.
"Sorry. Old habits die hard. Easier to put myself down and take blame than...yea. anyway...
"Nothing wrong with being rough with each other when it's how you both express and enjoy each other's company. I think it's sweet, honestly. That you both trust each other explicitly to not take that rough housing too far. Because you're right. He could very easily kill either of us now. And.... maybe that's why this is so concerning now too see? It would just take one time off going too far without realizing it.
"Oh. We were having an argument. I was... upset by the ring. The one you gave him. He wanted me to talk about it and I told him no. In not such a succiantly way. He got angry at me, said some things in response then grabbed my hair to hold me there while he burned my back. I ended up attacking him with my own magic to make him let me go. He banished me to the city afterwards.
***
"I know you hide them better..publicly..at least? But sometimes he sneaks s**t under my radar too. Nice t'know I was still um...even back then...heh..in your thoughts?"
"But this really is -- it's both of you then -- n'its the abandonment specifically? *For you*. That’s the s**t that gets you, yeah? You wanna hash it out n'til you *don't* -- n'the ways you two let each other know you're done? The way you don't -- idunno -- s**t -- if either of you go looking for each other after...”
"You keep going back enough I can't imagine why you ever questioned how me n him make it work, Aelius. But maybe that's toxic too...Cause I feel like — and correct me if I’m wrong — that it’s the pattern that b***h ******** started and it seems t’me it’s become habit. You stay and take it because you were made to once...”
“He runs or sends you off because you wont go n'its the only way to keep you safe, *from him*, because he isn’t that thing on a fundamental level - *safe* - and to keep himself safe too? From what he can’t ******** handle without tearing himself to shreds, because some s**t? There is no atoning for. Hi — *Retribution* — nice t’meetcha…”
“I get it tho! If anyone gets it I do, that urge to say ******** it and follow him into the fire, the Rift, and every other thing —“
“To have zero self preservation instincts. To believe with my whole self the Risk of that one time too far being *worth* every moment that comes before then. But I know I’ve got some ******** up attachment issues n other s**t on my list besides, right? Not tryna godamn spotlight it, but here we are!”
“So! Why the ******** are you so into a man who you are — *justifiably*— mad at for constantly abandoning you at your lowest points because he — *key s**t here* — feels powerless in those instances t’help you. Powerless enough to go nuclear — t’feel attacked in a way only actions can defend - t’pass you off on me.…”
"Because he trusts me with you more n'himself. Cause m'safer in a way---"
"Y'hearing me on this?"
***
"You're assuming a whole lot with Faustite. And, maybe you're right? Maybe he did it out of the goodness of his heart. But why did he just hurt you to? Why is it whenever something seems too hard for him to confront he did it down one way or another? Think about it. Please. Cause, to be honest, I feel like iam being gaslit. Like somehow I am in the wrong for all of this even though I've not raised a finger towards either of you, even in my darkest days. Did I say some horrid s**t. Yes. Undoubtedly. Iam owning up to that. But never, not ******** once, did I attack either of you to hurt you in a lasting way.
"And to answer your quotation. I don't ******** know. I don't. I just.... I have this need to be with him. Be around him. When we are good, we are *good*. I enjoy those times. They're precious to me and I want more of them. Crave it. ******** look how miserable I was after he left me. That nearly broke me in a different way.
"But he doesn't ******** talk to me, Waru. He hasn't for so long! He doesn't tell me anything and expects me to just... figure it out myself?
"Him transferring me to you, while the long run was a smart move, was ******** terrifying to me in that moment. I felt like unworthy trash. Like he given up on me entirely. It scared me to the point I lost myself, ok? ********. I was already an emotional mess to begin with and already feeling like s**t for nearly getting him killed.
"How would you have reacted, Waru? If the person you loved has a history of walking away from you decided to transfer you out of the blue by springing it on you like he did me?
"Iam not ashamed to admit that I lost my s**t because that had been the last straw. The last bit that finally just broke me.
"So iam hearing *you* sure. But it's *him* I need to hear things from. I don't want a proxy speaking for him. Assuming what he'd say.
***
"Don't you think he's said it by now?"
"But you need t'hear it from him, in words all his own."
"Hell, I think that his leaving broke you so bad because you landed on the pavement instead of the safety net we've been tryna build you? Which you only refused cause you were hurting n'scared, I know - and I'm ******** sorry, I am. For the way you felt then, for what's already happened. You? *Shouldn't be hurt.*"
"But I'll tell you how I think I'd react, kay. If it'd been me and if it'd been *before* I chose to marry him? Then I wouldn'tve ******** married him at all. I wouldn'tve fallen in love with *that*. N'if it'd been after? Like an anchor to our graves, Aelius. I would've attached myself to him so ******** *tightly* there'd be no shaking me -- *I'd bring us both down* -- if he were my husband and *then* went off the rails? Cause that's my ******** nature."
"And he hurt ********, probably because he's a monster, Aelius. Not -- not like the *'so hot I gotta ******** him' * kind -- but legit? All consuming, starseed pulling, bodies on a pyre that I'd build for him without him even asking -- and is that the ******** orphanage that's burning in the distance - probably!"
"That kinda *Monster.* N'I accept it, our violence."
"Sometimes our playing rough leaves teeth on the floor and blood on the bedpost-- N'When I start it? When it's me whose decided I won't go and I wanna have it out? He'd *best* ******** send me away for my own good, because I don't always know what *stop* means even if you scream it at me -- and I don't just mean for 'sparring' -- "
"But I've said this in front of you before, yeah? When you n'me were looking a hairs breath from being barbeque along with all your neighbors-- the way he threatened me then, the way I said I don't believe in divorce, only in dying --"
"s**t, you watch Ren throw that ring at me a second ******** time n question where I stand on things, Aelius. I'll kick his pretty teeth in n'feed it back to him through the hole I leave."
***
"Just like you I've been good at telling myself all sorts of stories. That he didn't mean it. That I got I deserved, he was coerced, forced, would have been hurt otherwise. I could go on. And some of it is probably true. I don't doubt that the first year's we were together that there was a lot going on that I had no clue about.
"But, I am not a strong as you. He was all I had. That one not of goodness in my life. He was mine and I was happy to take him in whatever way he was willing to give himself to me. Every little crumb I ate like a starving man.
"It's not hard to romanticize. Like I said, when we were good, we were good. Life was great.
"I am just.... iam not ready to give up. I want us to try and actually learn about each other.
"Cause in the end, we're all monsters. I can't tell you the body count I've left behind. I can't even fathom the total amount of starseeds I've pulled over the years or the sheer damage I've done to anyone who dared stand in the way.
"They both made me this way. I've accepted that part of me by now. Embraced it for who I am, cause there isn't any turning back. My life is here now.
"Cause, let me tell you, if I ever truly lost everything? I'd rip my own starseed from my body or hand myself over to order willingly to do with a they wish. Because I can't float by myself again. My time alone, in London, are years wasted. Years that were nothing to me. I had no real purpose beyond surviving.
"But hey. Iam glad you can stand so solidly up to him. Congratulations on having a healthy enough relationship to do that. You've gotten to stand on equal grounds with him both as a couple and in rank.
"But we aren't the same. I am not you. And if you are what he wants from me in the end, then I was never what he was looking for. Maybe knowing that would make it easier to walk away?
"I don't even know at this point.
"I just know I can't give up yet."
***
