Stupid. He felt so ******** stupid. He shouldn’t have gone to the club. He never should have asked her out, and he definitely never should have brought her home that night. Now she was all he thought about. And what had he done tonight? He walked away. Walked away? <******** coward. Once home, he checked on Ainsley before heading to the basement to blow off some steam and to maybe tire himself out enough to sleep without dreaming of green eyes looking up at him. He didn’t bother wrapping his fists as he yanked his shirt off and began his routine.

Shadowboxing first, jabs, crosses, and uppercuts that hit nothing. But it wasn’t enough. He moved closer to his punching bag and started with light hits, just brushing his knuckles over the surface of the bag. And still his brain wouldn’t quiet down. He started hitting harder, not caring that his knuckles were getting torn up. He deserved it, needed it. For thinking that he could ever be truly happy. For dragging someone else anywhere even close to the pit of black misery that was him.

Ugh, he hated feeling sorry for himself, hated this ******** awful despondency that came over him sometimes. Like he really was one of those emo punks who let their emotions run wild and get the best of them.

When he could no longer continue punching the bag, he held onto it and leaned into it as he caught his breath. His knuckles ached and stung and he could feel the blood dripping across his skin. After a while his arms stopped supporting him and he hit the mat, sprawling on his back and watching the bag swing above him.

And yet, thoughts of Noa still swam in his head. Would he ever stop thinking about her?

“Idri,” Ainsley said, standing at the foot of the stairs to the basement. “What happened this time?” He had done this before, when he had a particularly bad day. He’d come home, check on her, and come down to the basement and beat on his punching bag until he couldn’t move. He didn’t usually bust up his knuckles though.

Idirian sighed. “Go back upstairs, Ains.” Even his voice sounded tired. “I’m fine.” When he heard her footsteps going back up the stairs, he closed his eyes and tried to relax. It wouldn’t be the first time he slept on the mat.

Except then she came back down a few minutes later. “Ainsley…” he started, about to tell her to just leave him alone for the night, when she interrupted.

“Listen, big brother, I know the signs of you having a bad day, okay? So! You just lay there while I bandage your knuckles and tell me what’s going on,” she said, taking a seat next to him so she could face him while she cleaned and bandaged his hands.

He knew that tone in his sister’s voice and knew she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Another heavy sigh left him before he began to speak. “I ******** up. With Noa. Bad. I don’t…I don’t think I can fix it.” He wasn’t even sure if he should fix it. He wanted to, god he wanted to roll the night back and fix that one moment of cowardice and stupidity. But she deserved better than him. She deserved someone who wasn’t broken, someone who could give her everything she needed or wanted, and could be everything for her. And that someone wasn’t him. He was emotionally stunted and had no idea how to be in a relationship.

“Idirian Fortunato Caine. You’re a ******** coward.” She didn’t usually curse but this warranted it. She returned her brother’s glare without blinking and continued. “You like her. She likes you. What is so hard about that?” He just needed to tell her he was sorry for whatever stupid thing he did and maybe she would forgive him. Ainsley really liked Noa, and her brother deserved to be happy. Noa did, too. The way his entire face changed when he got a text or a call from Noa made Ainsley smile because if she hadn’t started this, she wasn’t sure they would have ever gotten to this point.

He shook his head, grimacing and cursing the day she learned his middle name. He let his hand fall when Ainsley was done with it and stretched his other hand over so she could reach it. “You’re only fourteen, Ains, you don’t understand.” He never wanted her to understand how this felt, never wanted her to experience this ache in her chest. He should just find a way to deal with what felt like an important piece of him missing.

Ainsley sighed. So what if she didn't understand the intricacies of adults dating? Her brother didn't know, but most of her friends already had boyfriends. She had even had her fair share of flirting with the boys at school, but nothing more than that since she knew without asking that Idirian wouldn't want her dating at her age yet. “Maybe what you need is someone who doesn't understand it all. Someone who is looking on from outside, telling you that you need to find a way to make it up to her. She at least deserves to know why you did whatever you did to mess things up. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll forgive you, but just…try, okay?”

She lay on his chest and hugged him as best she could in that position, wanting to comfort him as he had comforted her for her entire life. “You deserve to be happy, Idri. And Noa makes you happy. Nuh-uh, don't even try to deny it. I've seen your face when you're talking to her. You actually smile. So don't be stupid, okay?” She relaxed when she felt her brother hugging her back, tighter than he usually would.

He couldn't stop the emotions from filling his eyes as he hugged his little sister. He didn't deserve someone like her in his life, either. Wrapping his arms around her, he hugged her tightly. “I'll try, little sister. Thank you.”