Welcome to Gaia! ::

He could hear the festivities upstairs. It seemed like the Bell family partied hard. They’d invited him to take part, of course, but he’d politely turned them down. They partied leading up to Christmas, on Christmas, and in the days following it. Christmas day had been particularly boisterous. There had been a lot of people. A lot of kids.

A lot of mistletoe jokes.

It wasn’t that he begrudged them it, but Teegan was feeling particularly out of sorts after his morning walk. So he’d locked himself in his little dorm-style room in the Bells’ basement, laying on his back in bed and listening to the laughter through the floorboards above him. He knew that Livie might look for him at some point, but he had a ready-made excuse for why he was resting. Too many late-night Mass services to attend.

… He missed Sister Gail. Usually, she was where he went to hang out in the days following Christmas, whenever everyone else’s family time made him admittedly… rather jealous.

His parents probably hadn’t even realised he was missing. The church he’d lived at had been his ‘next of kin’ for emergencies.

They would probably only care about the loss to their reputation when they found out.

He rolled over in bed, lighting up the darkness of his room with his phone screen. Maybe he could go to his old church just to sit in for services. Look for Sister Gail from afar and see how she was doing. She was probably missing him. He’d done everything he could to assuage any worry about his well-being, but… well, she was a mother figure in more than just the religious sense for him.

Teegan rolled over the other way, taking his phone with him, impatiently pulling his blanket up to his armpits. There was a bag of forgotten macrame at the bottom of the ladder to his bunk. He could be working on that instead of feeling sorry for himself. That would be much more productive…

He scrolled to the text from Tobias and smiled slightly despite his sour mood. Tobias had made a habit of texting him good morning every day, and Teegan had quickly come to look forward to them. He even had a text from Zebulon that he still needed to reply to. He wasn’t sure how to reply, given that he wasn’t sure if Zebulon was meaning to flirt with him.

It certainly came off that way, but it wasn’t like Zebulon was inviting him over, or anything…

Teegan swallowed the lump in his throat and rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling some more. Tobias was trying to be reassuring, trying to make Teegan worry less about his place in their lives. And he was doing a great job reassuring him about his place in Tobias’ life! But there was only the dry, ‘good morning Father’ from Zebulon most of the time, and there was nothing from Diryas. There hadn’t been anything from Diryas the whole time.

Teegan could tell it was frustrating Tobias, so he didn’t bring it up. But it was Diryas that was making Teegan nervous about his future with them. Diryas was stubborn with a capital “S”, and it had been months of silence. When would Diryas relent? Would he ever? Tobias seemed convinced he would, but when would the silence just become something Diryas was used to?

And would he care enough about Teegan at that point to break it? Teegan had been there for what had happened with Jason and Tobias. When they all found out what Jason was doing to Tobias, that had been it. Diryas had switched ‘off’ and never switched back ‘on’, no matter how many texts Jason had sent them saying he was sorry. Sure, that was different, but… was it really? From Diryas’ point of view, could Teegan rightfully say it was that much different? Jason had been abusing Tobias. Teegan had been attacking civilians, so far as his journal and their accounts had told him. He didn’t remember any of it, and that just seemed to frustrate Diryas more.

As if Diryas wanted him punished for what he’d done, and as if Teegan not remembering anything directly cheapened that punishment. And could he blame him for that? Teegan sighed and rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes. There was a shriek of childish laughter upstairs, and Teegan realised that he had no idea how his half-sister was doing. How old was she now, even?

He’d have to figure that out. Maybe he could find someone to talk to that could advise him on that. His half-sister was the one redeeming factor of his birth family. She’d even mentioned going into the sisterhood in the hopes of being assigned the same parish as him.

…He really hoped that wasn’t still a plan of hers. Their parents had been overjoyed, of course, and he knew she idolized him for… whatever reason. Whatever God-forsaken reason. He wished he could tell her what he’d done. He wished he remembered it. Teegan looked at his phone, Zeb’s text still unanswered on the screen.

He swore and turned his phone face-down on the blanket beside him. What was he supposed to do with that? With any of it? The only person who wanted to welcome him back was Tobias. Tobias had even moved out, gotten an apartment, and invited Teegan to move in with him. More privacy. Someone that loved him.

He didn’t feel unloved where he was. Livie clearly cared about him. The Bells were nice enough and made sure he was as included as he wanted to be, even if it wasn’t actually love of any sort. The one brother, what-was-his-name, the one with the pope name—Constantine! Constantine was clearly curious about what it was Teegan did from an academic standpoint, though Teegan wasn’t sure what practical use a family-law lawyer had for Catholic church doctrine.

“More than you realise,” had been the cheery reply. The cheery-yet-somehow-foreboding reply. Teegan hadn’t asked any further questions, and instead he had been an occasional consult for Constantine. He hadn’t had to appear on the stand yet, but something told him that he eventually might.

Either way, it didn’t tell him what he was supposed to do with his own complicated situation. There wasn’t really anyone he could ask advice from. Livie had her own boy problems to worry about, he wasn’t that close with any of the other stay-overs living there, and everyone else seemed happily paired off. Besides, he didn’t even remember everything he’d done. Just that he’d done something to Zebulon that everyone else was—certainly justifiably—very upset about.

Even Tobias. Tobias had laid into Teegan the first moment they were alone. Teegan wasn’t sure if Zebulon or Diryas knew that, from the way Tobias had felt he needed to move out and get his own place to get away from the two of them. He still loved them, too, but… Teegan groaned and ran his hand through his hair. It was all a mess.

It was all a mess and he missed all of them horribly. Tobias had asked Teegan to move in with him, but Teegan had turned him down. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t feel like he deserved to be moving that fast. Jesus had done his forty days and forty nights of solitude in the desert. The least Teegan could do was some honest contemplation over his actions while lying in a reasonably comfortable bunk bed at a stranger’s house.

He’d been praying a lot, knowing full well it wasn’t God’s style to come down and hit him over the head with the answer. But he’d been praying!

Teegan groaned softly, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had to have faith it would all work out. He had to. Tobias seemed convinced it would. He’d pointed out to Teegan that he’d known Diryas since they were kids. All they had to do was wait. But it had been months and still no word from Diryas.

How long was he going to have to wait? How long did he think he could?

His conscience replied that, if not for the whole Negaverse agent thing, Diryas would have been waiting a couple of years for Teegan to come back around and was going to welcome him back eagerly if not for the whole Negaverse thing. Was it hypocritical of Teegan to say he wasn’t going to wait a few months? Especially when the whole situation was his fault?

It should not have taken as long as it did for him to realize that he needed to get out of the Negaverse. The first time he had to drain someone of their energy should’ve been the clue, and he knew that. He knew that! But he couldn’t change what he did in the past, and Diryas didn’t seem particularly interested in atonement. So what was Teegan supposed to do? What did Diryas want from him?

Time. Diryas wanted time. Space. Teegan dragged his hand down his face, groaning again. For it to have never happened in the first place, but that was long since water under the bridge. Teegan also wanted for it to have never happened in the first place. But it had happened, and here they were, and here he was.

Teegan dragged himself toward the ladder that connected the upper bunk to the floor, then dragged himself down it to the desk that replaced the bottom bunk. Blearily, he woke his laptop from sleep and waited for the white expanse of the next week’s sermon to appear before him. They were at an interesting point in the sermon rotation for the year. Christmas was past. The Epiphany had just passed. The Baptism of Jesus was currently underway. The next ‘major’ event was Ash Wednesday and main services during Lent, as far as Mass attendance would be concerned.

They didn’t usually have a full house for the saints’ feast days.

The cursor on the screen blinked mockingly at him. What was he doing, trying to write a sermon and help others lead their lives when his own was such a catastrophe? He rubbed at his face, wondering if he should go back to lying in bed, but that wasn’t going to help him accomplish anything. At least, nothing except feeling sorry for himself. He turned on the radio sitting on the desk so that he didn’t have to hear people laughing upstairs.

Right. Feeling sorry for himself. None of that.

This was an interesting time of year for sermons, after all. Fairly busy in the couple of months between Christ’s birth and the procedures leading up to his crucifixion and death and rebirth. Calendar-wise, obviously. No one would crucify an infant, probably, he mused as he tapped his mouse. At least, he hoped not.

Alright, he needed a more positive train of thought. This wasn’t getting him anywhere except morbid. He changed the music he was listening to to something a bit more upbeat. That would help, he hoped.

It did not ******** pushed away from his desk, staring at his laptop with a betrayed expression. It was just a sermon. He’d written countless sermons. Why couldn’t he write this one?

His answer was in the way his heart jumped into his throat when he saw his phone screen light up and the way it settled into the pit of his stomach when it turned out just to be a social media notification. He had to get out of there and go do something else. Something to get out his unsettled energy.

Teegan didn’t power up right away. They were supposed to avoid drawing too much attention to the house. The last thing they needed was the Negaverse getting wind of what the Bells were doing. Teegan didn’t know what they told the neighbours about all the people coming and going at all hours, but he supposed that was none of his business.

He made his way upstairs to the main floor of the house and offered cursory polite hellos and waves and smiles to the little kids running around. He wasn’t trying to stay for the social hour, though, and so he quickly extracted himself toward the back door. No one stopped him. Once he was outside, he walked what he felt was a safe distance away so he could power up.

Once he was Emain Ablach and not Teegan, he looked toward downtown. It would give him something to do. Something maybe more productive to keep his mind off of his sermon and how badly he was failing to write it. There was always the chance that an errant youma or lieutenant would be out wandering around, trying to get into trouble.

He didn’t like attacking agents or chaos senshi, truthfully. Emain Ablach still felt like he was too close to when he’d been on the other side. How many of them didn’t realise the true extent of what they were doing? He’d intervene to save civilians, and he’d go after youma, but random agents and chaos senshi who hadn’t gone after anyone…

Unless he saw they had starseeds in their possession, somehow. Then he’d have to intervene. Even if he had no way of knowing what cooling body those starseeds belonged to, at least he could return them to the Cauldron where they belonged, rather in the maw of chaos. One of those outcomes had hope. The other… not so much.

Emain Ablach debated if it would be quicker just to take the bus, but he didn’t have bus fare in this outfit. His steps were faster, sure, but it was a good couple miles to downtown. On the other hand, a couple miles would take him, what, forty-minutes tops to walk? It would be the perfect opportunity to clear his head. Maybe he’d get downtown, realise he didn’t need any more walking around, and be able to go home and write the damn sermon.

Maybe. Maybe, maybe.

There was relatively little of note on his way downtown. One youma, not very strong, not much of a challenge and quickly taken care of. Shaped like a bird, he’d missed it at first until he realised that giant macaws were not native to Destiny City and were probably expensive enough to not just be flying around. The hissing black gas its beak had started spewing had confirmed his suspicions.

Wiping the black goo off of his shield with one hand, he resumed his trek downtown. He could have driven, he guessed, and powered up once he actually got downtown, but too late for that now.

As the buildings got closer together and taller, he stayed more in the shadows. Sure, his identity was more-or-less safe. But that didn’t mean he wanted to see himself showing up on the news because he’d showed up in someone’s security camera or cellphone footage.

Downtown was… not very busy. In all fairness, it was an off-night for the nightlife, and at an awkward time for the bars and clubs that did choose to be open on Sunday. People had work in the morning. Most people, anyway. Emain Ablach was off-rotation that week with the other priests. He didn’t have to go to Mass as the one leading it, though he’d probably attend as a general church-goer. He would probably stop by the service and then go find some way to make himself useful to his new parish.

He didn’t know how Viatrix had found them for him, but he hoped he was fitting in well. Non-affiliated with the Vatican, less concerned about certain priestly rites. Certainly more tolerant of his interest in men. It was… much more relaxed. He had the thought that he could go find Sister Gail and bring her to them. But he knew as soon as he had the thought that she’d never go for it. She was settled contentedly where she was. And how could he ask her to uproot everything she knew?

It wasn’t like she had attacked one of her husbands and then spent literal months trying to rationalize it away. Tobias had finally told him what he’d done, at least, that had everyone so angry with him. He couldn’t blame them, but then he was back at the beginning, wondering what on earth he could do to atone for it.

‘I’m sorry’ had obviously not worked. ‘I’m sorry’ had just made them angrier. At least, it had made Zebulon and Diryas angrier.

Almost stepping into the street with a car coming and having them blare their horn in warning brought Emain Ablach back to the present moment. He needed to pay better attention to his surroundings. First he’d be wallowing in self-pity, next he’d be flat on the road. It would very neatly end his dilemma, at least!

No, no, none of that. It would not neatly end his dilemma to get hit by a car. For one thing, it probably wouldn’t kill him, and then he’d have to deal with being in the hospital.

…It wasn’t like anyone but Tobias would probably come to see him anyway— Jesus Christ he needed to find a distraction. A real one, not one that left him alone with his very unhelpful train of thought. At least he was now among buildings tall enough to be a feasible lookout point. He found a suitable path, made sure his shield was out of the way, and up he went. Up to the roottop, where he was careful to walk with soft footsteps. The last thing he wanted was someone coming to investigate.

With a sigh, he brushed some of the snow away and then opted to sit in his shield anyway, legs braced against the chimney to keep from sliding. It was brisk up here, and he wished he’d brought a jacket. His knight gear was a tunic and leggings. Not exactly made for winter patrolling. But he was long past the point where he was able to do anything about that without having to turn around and go the whole way back. At least sitting in his shield kept him away from the ice on the rooftop.

Emain Ablach sat very still, his only motion being that of his chestfalls and the puffs of vapor leaving his nose as he turned his attention outward. It was unlikely that someone could sneak up on him where he was, but not impossible. He wished he had the Mauvian ability to suppress his energy signature, if only for a little bit. He’d have to ask Viatrix if that was even possible. Was there something that could be made?

Probably, but it wasn’t like he needed one. He probably shouldn’t ask, after all.

He turned his attention back outward again. There was some rustling that made the hair on his arms stand up, but it turned out to be a rat in the nearby garbage. Emain Ablach pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs to try and conserve warmth. This was a bad idea. What was he going to do if someone did threaten himself or a civilian? Shiver at them? He was woefully unprepared to actually do anything.

Not the first time, came the unbidden, sardonic, but not inaccurate thought. He sighed and rested his forehead on his knees. Okay, okay, so far his track record wasn’t great. And he wasn’t getting anywhere with the ‘why me’s and the ‘what now’s. He was still persona non grata at the house, but he’d showed up to Zebulon’s work a couple tiems. There was no reason he couldn’t do the same with Diryas. Maybe he could bring Tobias with him—

No, that would make Diryas feel ambushed. Emain Ablach knew better than that. He was taking a long time because he felt he needed to. Emain Ablach pushing him would just make him dig his heels in more. Maybe make the situation even worse. No, not maybe. It would definitely make the situation worse.

This wasn’t helping either. With a grumble, Emain Ablach got to his feet and grabbed his shield before starting back toward the ground. He needed something to happen, something to actually distract him, and it didn’t seem like the city was obliging tonight. He might-as-well take the long trek home at this rate. He could go home, lie in bed, and continue to feel sorry for himself in relative comfort.

…Yeah, that was the plan. Go home, take a hot shower, eat whatever leftovers the Bells would probably insist he take, and then just… go to bed. Maybe he’d have an epiphany of his own, or something. Who knew? He almost ate s**t when he hit the pavement, skidding on a patch of ice and hitting the side of the building in an effort to stay upright. He could hear someone start stirring and saw a light turn on.

Time to go.

He was gone before the occupant inside the flat opened their door to figure out who or what had banged into the wall. It set him on a sprint, and he decided to keep that up as long as he could. The running kept him warm, at least, even if he wasn’t exactly the athletic type. Pushing himself through his normal endurance was also, he found, a wonderful distraction. It was hard to be concerned about husband trouble around burning lungs and burning legs.

But even still, he was eventually forced to stop. Emain Ablach leaned against the slope of an overpass, panting echoing around him. He could see headlights coming, though, and didn’t really want to be caught out by them, so he ducked around the outside of that same overpass. The cars approached, then drove past him. As far as he knew, none of them saw him or his shield just wandering around outside in the snow and cold.

It was very cold. He was starting to shiver where he stood, and it wasn’t helping his mood. He hoisted the shield up to cut some of the wind and kept walking. Next time, he was just going to drive downtown, find someplace to park, and work from there. Walking all the way there and back was not his idea of a good time.

He should have just stayed in the little dorm room and kept staring at the blank document on his screen. It was more productive than his walk had been. He repeated this to himself mentally with varying degrees of annoyance and frustration with himself until he turned the corner and saw the Bell house coming up. Right, he had to transform back.

The last thing he needed was to draw someone back to their house and ******** that up, too—

Once he was Teegan again, he resumed walking briskly toward the Bell household. Lights were still on, so whatever shindig was still going on, though he did note fewer cars in the driveway and on the street near the house. Probably the parents with young kids, he had to guess. There were a handful of them that were pretty little. They probably had an early bed time, or something.

He must have looked as cold and melancholy as he felt, because the first thing that happened when he walked inside was he found a mug of piping hot chocolate shoved into one hand and a plate of food shoved into the other. He was neither hungry nor thirsty, but he thanked them regardless and took his dinner down the basement stairs to his room. To where the blank word document awaited him. Teegan grumbled at it as he bumped the door open with his hip and set the food on the desk.

He’d just start with what he’d used last week and branch from there, changing text where appropriate. It was better than nothing. It would give him a place to start.

Then maybe he could tackle the issue of the others one his head was clear…