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 Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2024 9:38 pm
Michael had been acting strangely ever since they passed Atticus earlier. The interaction hadn’t been wholly unusual; Atticus had greeted Devyn with his usual fatherly moniker.
This time, Michael had gotten one too.
‘Papa’ was new from Atticus, and Devyn hadn’t thought much of it but for a passing fondness. Absentmindedly, he’d brushed his hand along the back of Michael’s.
But, something was wrong.
Michael was oddly quiet and a bit harder to read than usual.
He must have been thinking about something. Thinking deeply, it seemed.
Devyn didn’t mind, and rather than rush for an explanation he gave Michael a moment to sort through his thoughts. But then a moment grew to two, and Michael seemed like he might have been drifting into a daze. It was too easy for him to get lost in the vortex of his thoughts, and Devyn didn’t want him to lose himself to them.
They’d come down to the kitchen with the intention of preparing a meal together, and if it was to be in silence, Devyn wouldn’t fret. As long as he knew Michael was okay, first.
He’d pulled out a few vegetables already, and once cleaned he’d taken great care to slice them safely, in case Atticus came down. He didn’t want him to pick up any bad habits, and Devyn was now far less prone to recklessness. He set the knife down on the cutting board and turned to face Michael.
Once more, he brushed their fingers together.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked gently.
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Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2024 6:15 pm
There was a brief moment of hesitation when Devyn brushed their fingers together, but the momentary pause could have just been to appreciate the gesture, rather than metaphorically slamming on breaks.
Michael had a sizable piece of steak he was clearly intending to season and let rest while Devyn worked on the vegetables, but set the shaker of sea salt down as he lifted his eyes and offered Devyn a small smile.
“Oh, just thinking if we have too much steak, I’ll have to figure out something else for you to try when we go out on our anniversary. I might try to switch reservations to another place, but everything gets booked up quickly for New Years,” Michael explained.
And it wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t the only thing he’d been thinking about. But Devyn didn’t need to be subjected to the ridiculous things that dug claws into his mind. Devyn had enough to be worried about.
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2024 4:22 pm
“Ah,” Devyn said, understanding and patient even though he supposed he was only getting half the story. It was fine if that was all that Michael wanted to tell him, but it wasn’t a very good excuse. Devyn was never picky with his food; he could have eaten the same meal a full week straight and still been happy.
“I can always order something other than steak. Yours is my favorite, anyway. I could get lobster. Or duck. Don’t worry about the reservation unless it’s important to you, I’ll be happy just to be out with you.”
Running his thumb across the back of Michael’s hand, Devyn watched him closely for a few seconds. There was a silent invitation in his expression; he was willing to listen to more but he wasn’t going to try and pry it from Michael. Devyn then raised Michael’s hand to his lips and planted a small kiss.
“That’s nothing to worry about, Michael. But thank you for looking after me, it’s very sweet that you’re putting so much thought into it.”
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:32 am
The longer Devyn watched him, the warmer Michaels cheeks felt. He tensed and when Devyn lifted his hand to his lips, Michael glanced away and mumbled something about how he didn’t know why he was looking at him like he was.
“As long as there aren’t any more pools of water. We’re going drive there. No walking that night. Although it’ll probably be busy out. Maybe it would be fun to experience,” he rambled, but it was mostly due to being flustered.
He still couldn’t look Devyn in the eye. Not when he was staring into his soul it seemed.
“What?” he finally asked and forced himself to look up. There was no heat in his voice, no accusation. If anything, his voice sounded like it nearly broke on the emotion he was working hard to keep contained.
“Did I do something?” He had a feeling that he already knew, but he didn’t think he was being that obvious. Although being anxious now probably gave it away.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2024 11:30 am
Devyn’s brows moved, ever so slightly. It was such a subtle change, and yet there was a hint of amusement in his face where there hadn’t been before.
“Nothing in particular. If you say that’s all that’s on your mind, I believe you. I was just thinking about how much I love you. How lucky I am to have you.”
He didn’t keep a firm grip on Michael’s hand; it wasn’t a means to trap him. It was a connection, if he wanted it.
Suspecting that he might have been adding to Michael’s stress, he turned his eyes to the steak. The soft smile never left his face, even if he wasn’t looking at Michael. He wanted him to know it was okay, whether he wanted to talk about anything or not. Devyn trusted him, he wasn’t going to push him. He wasn’t going to stare at him until he pressured an answer out of him.
“I was worried you had something troubling you. I was going to ask if you wanted to talk about it.”
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:27 pm
Michael’s lips twitched. Into a frown. Not even a frown. It was a pout. Here Devyn was, sweet talking him and saying how he was so lucky to have him and how he loved him and was worried something had been troubling him --
How was he supposed to be morose and moody if Devyn was going to bat his eyelashes at him and kiss his hand and-- okay it didn’t happen exactly like that, but it made Michael want to sigh with exasperation and… well, he supposed his thoughts had been interrupted enough that he wasn’t even thinking about anything any more.
“I don’t know what you mean. What could be troubling me?” he huffed, although he realized he sounded a bit like a petulant, stubborn child at this point. He didn’t feel cornered by Devyn, but he did think maybe Devyn did have some secret necklace that clued him in on when Michael was thinking too deeply about… everything.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:42 pm
The corner of Devyn’s lip twitched but his smile didn’t falter. “Oh, that’s what I was hoping to find out.”
Even if he could have read minds, he wouldn’t have thought to delve into Michael’s. What information he was given must be given, not taken. So he would never guilt him for answers, would never pressure him, would never threaten him.
Sometimes Michael just forgot that Devyn was on his side in everything. If he had a thought in his mind he’d been tumbling around and still couldn’t make sense of, Devyn would be there to listen. To talk about it, if he wanted.
If Michael wanted to bury it, that was fine too. As long as it wasn’t hurting him.
Devyn had tried to keep his eyes off of him to give him a bit of privacy, but he could see too much in his peripheral vision. He was glad he didn’t miss that pout. It made Michael look younger, boyish even. It was cute. He hoped that meant that whatever was looming on Michael’s mind wasn’t so bad.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:53 pm
He didn’t say anything else for a few moments. He brushed his fingers over Devyn’s, and leaned a bit more against the counter. Their dinner would be fine if it sat out a little longer, he wasn’t worried about that.
But he was worried about his thoughts being misunderstood. Or… maybe they wouldn’t be misunderstood at all, and instead maybe he was just overthinking and making a big deal over nothing.
“Chris’s kids called their grandfather ‘papa’,” he said quietly, maybe even an attempt at nonchalance if he didn’t seem so uncomfortable about it. Not about the name! Not about Atticus wanting to call him that! It was just… complicated. And he wasn’t sure where to even start when it came to explaining why he’d been thinking about it.
Well, other than the obvious.
He shrugged, as though to force whatever they ended up talking about into just… casual… It wasn’t important, anyway.
“Have you ever felt like you were living in someone’s shadow? Even if you still looked up to them and…” Michael paused and bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from talking further. “I don’t know,” he mumbled dismissively. And threw in another shrug for good measure.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:59 pm
Michael always seemed like he was trying to dismiss something before anyone else had a chance to. It was probably a defensive gesture, and Devyn found himself disappointed that anyone might have made Michael feel the urge to diminish the importance of his thoughts or feelings before they had a chance to do it themselves. Naturally, he wasn’t upset by anything Michael was doing, only disappointed by what he’d been through.
Devyn wished he could have been there to listen and reassure him before anyone could have brought him down.
At least now he had an idea of where his thoughts were.
He knew what it was like to live in someone else’s shadow. He nodded slightly when asked but did not expand on it. This wasn’t the time to reflect on how heavy the mantle he wore had been when he first inherited it. When everyone expected him to be just another Sailor Alastor.
He disliked being compared to any of them, and actively tried to prove himself different.
If that was how Michael felt, he sympathized.
He understood, at least partly, where his discomfort had come from.
“You can be honest with me,” he reminded gently. He stroked the back of his hand once more. “I’m listening. I didn’t know that’s what they called him. Did it bother you to hear it from Atticus?”
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Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2024 9:48 am
Did it bother him?
“No,” he answered, but then realized he might have answered too quickly and it probably sounded insincere. It wasn’t, but… “Yes.” Another pause, but this time he made a face, disappointment in himself clear in the furrow of his brows. “I don’t know.”
It wasn’t a good answer. And a lot of that was why he’d been so quiet and deep in thought. He didn’t know how he felt about it, or if it was even fair for him to make it seem as though he was making a big deal about it.
“I felt… happy, if not a bit embarrassed, that Atticus would decide on something like that. Proud that he’s coming out of his shell more. Or… I don’t know. Like he thinks of me like… Like how he thinks of you.”
Michael felt like he was embarrassing himself with his explanation. The more he said, the less he felt as though it made any kind of sense.
But it was obvious how much Atticus adored Devyn. Michael tended to take a step back from all that to give them a chance to bond. Not because he didn’t want to be Atticus’s parent, but because he still felt inadequate.
“I don’t want to make him feel like he can’t make his own decisions, but… selfishly, I don’t want to get any grief for it. Or for anyone to give Atticus grief when he had no idea. That’s not to say I expect anyone to do that, but… I don’t know,” he mumbled again for probably the dozenth time -- he’d lost track. He didn’t think anyone would actually harass them about it, but he wondered if they would think how it was the same name.
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Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2024 10:27 am
Devyn offered no judgment. He had only understanding in his heart, and the more Michael spoke, the more he understood. He nodded slowly, and though he dropped his hand it was only so that he could place it on Michael’s back and rub gently.
It made sense, though Michael seemed like he was already trying to criticize himself just in case.
“Do you think anyone would give you grief? I don’t know much about such Earth customs, but there are only so many names you can call a father, aren’t there? I like ‘Papa’ for you. It’s sweet. I can see why he picked it. It’s cute. You’re a father who is protective, but not firm. Who is loving, but not emotional. You’re very put together and sophisticated, when you want to be. You’re respectable and charming. I bet he put a lot of thought into picking out the name that felt right for you.”
He drew Michael closer and continued to rub his back. “He loves you so much. He wants to make you proud. We talk about you all the time. Only good things,” he reassured, and it was absolutely the truth. “He wants to have more in common with you. But he likes you a lot. You make him feel safe. And you make him happy. If you wanted him to call you something other than ‘papa,’ I’m sure we could figure something out. But, I like it. I can’t imagine anyone giving either of you a hard time. I’d have to step in if they tried. It’s obnoxious, I know, you can fight your own battles. But I love you both so much. You’re so important to me. I want you both to be happy.”
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Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2024 6:01 pm
Michael snorted quietly. Not so much because he thought anything Devyn said was funny, just… ironic in many ways.
“It sounds like you just described my father,” he said with a soft sigh. There was a faint flush to his cheeks, but being complimented and praised wasn’t something he expected, so it always seemed to catch him off guard.
“I know,” he let out another breath and glanced up at Devyn as he stayed close to him. “I love you both, too. I don’t think anyone would say anything about it outright. At least not with the intention of being mean. But… no, if he wants to call me that, then that’s fine. It’s just hard sometimes not to think of all the ways I feel like I’ve probably disappointed him.”
Even now, he knew his aversion to talking to someone about… everything that happened in his life probably wouldn’t make his father very pleased. But it was hard enough talking to his own husband sometimes, much less a stranger who could very well be in the Negaverse and put their family at risk. Again.
“For a long time in my life, I followed after him. I wanted to be just like him. I already looked just like him, so why not just be a smaller version, you know? Then the country was attacked. Thousands died in horrific ways. War was declared. I was at the right age to jump to action and get a chance to follow in his footsteps. Ah, but I found out how naive I was. Turns out wanting to be just like him was considered a bad thing.”
Michael paused and pressed his lips together. He hadn’t meant to start talking.
“Sorry,” he muttered and glanced around the kitchen at their unfinished tasks.
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Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2024 6:21 pm
“No apologies,” Devyn said gently, once more rubbing his back. He drew Michael closer and turned with him, denying him the ability to look at their dinner preparation unless he craned his neck to see it. If Michael could lay his eyes on the half-finished preparation, he’d just find some excuse to bury his feelings and get back to work.
Devyn had heard bits and pieces of Michael’s story, some from him and some from his family. He knew less of Earth’s history. He knew of death and war and of the naive dreams of heroism. He’d walked his own path.
He thought he could imagine some of what Michael might have been through.
At first, he’d thought Michael might have meant that he was worried he’d disappointed Atticus. It hadn’t taken him long to realize his mistake.
“He must have been an impressive man for you to look up to him even now. I wish I’d gotten to spend more time with him.”
Devyn rested his chin on Michael’s shoulder and traced shapes on his back. “You’ve always been a hero in my eyes. Your heart’s always been in the right place. You’ve always done what you can to protect others. Even at the expense of your own well-being. I know how much you care about doing the right thing.”
Michael could, no doubt, beat himself up for things he’d done, or things he hadn’t done ‘well enough’. He carried many burdens, some of which were born of his own self-doubt and a wavering sense of self-worth.
Devyn would supplement what he could and share it as often as possible. He thought highly of Michael in a way not often granted to others, and made regular commentary on how important he was. He found subtle ways to remind him that he was worthy, that he was deserving, that he was wonderful. Maybe he wasn’t being loud enough about it.
It was more than just that. Michael was worthy. Michael deserved.
“I’m proud of you, you know. I can’t imagine that your father wouldn’t be, too. You’re so hard on yourself. You spend so much time thinking of ways you might have disappointed someone, do you take that much time to think about all the ways you’ve made them proud?”
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2024 6:57 pm
There was just a moment of anxiety that flared up when Devyn moved with him, and he couldn’t easily see what they’d been working on. But then Michael realized Devyn was doing it on purpose and his heart settled down a little.
With Devyn’s chin on his shoulder, Michael finally lifted his arms to place loosely around Devyn’s waist. He brushed his thumbs along his side -- not too lightly that it would be ticklish -- and pulled him a little closer.
“Of course I don’t,” he sighed and rested his chin on Devyn’s shoulder as well. “How else would I have enough time to think about how much I’ve disappointed others?”
He rubbed Devyn’s back -- an apology for the poor joke -- and turned his head to kiss his neck and just… breathe.
“I know you’re proud of me. It helps to know that, especially when I am struggling,” he admitted, although it wasn’t like he often admitted when he was having a hard time. Then again, Devyn usually knew. Like now. And he knew Devyn knew he was proud of him, too. He didn’t say it because he didn’t want Devyn to think he was just parroting him, but he gave him a squeeze to show his appreciation.
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2024 7:36 pm
The joke was not funny, but Devyn smiled in amusement anyway. Michael couldn’t see it but it didn’t matter, he was sure he’d know anyway. He continued drawing shapes on his back but occasionally shifted to lightly running his nails up and down his back instead.
“If you only look for ways to be hard on yourself, that’s all you’ll see. One day, you’ll have gone over everything in your life that could possibly have disappointed someone, and then you’ll start imagining new things to worry about, hm?” He swayed Michael a bit in his arms, not quite like he was dancing with him, but maybe like he was thinking about it. “No, I wouldn’t let you do that. I could make you a new list every day to read when you wake up, things you’ve done that I’m proud of. Times you’ve impressed me. I could go on forever, you know. In such little time that I’ve known you, I already have an endless, ever-growing list.”
He’d never looked for the bad in Michael. Never criticized anything, never looked for anything to be unhappy with. If his life depended on it, he wasn’t sure he could even come up with something.
Practically speaking, Michael wasn’t perfect. No one was.
Devyn just couldn’t think of anything wrong with him. He couldn’t remember being frustrated or unhappy with Michael. He couldn’t remember anything but love and support.
“For example, you give excellent kisses. You make me feel very important. You give me such stability. You give me peace. You make the best steaks I’ve ever had. You have a soothing voice. I’m never lost when I’m with you. Maybe in your eyes. You’re so brave, you take such good care of me. You’re good with Atticus, even though I know you doubt yourself. Elliot looks up to you. And the Reids are always talking about how you’ve been so good to them. How you always have the best advice, and how you’ve always supported them. How you’re smart and clever and creative, and how you’re very good at staying calm and solving problems. I could go on forever, Michael.”
He could have, really.
“If you’re ever struggling, I’d like if you could tell me. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Maybe I can just hold you. Or I’ll talk enough for the both of us, if that’s easier. But I’ll always be here to listen to you if you’re tired of keeping all those thoughts locked up in here.”
He kissed his temple gently before returning his chin to Michael’s shoulder.
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