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 Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 7:43 am
The ride home had felt like an eternity, but it passed in the blink of an eye all the same. Ariel didn’t feel right. He had a thousand thoughts instantaneously, and no conclusions after their trip. He vaguely recalled their driver making conversation with them, talking about the park and working for the city. He knew Casey had carried the conversation with him. Occasionally, he’d smiled at something they said, but he hadn’t really been listening and only brought himself to do so when he caught one of Casey’s worrying looks.
They must have parted on good terms with the driver; Ariel hadn’t caught his name but he thanked him when they were dropped off just outside their apartment complex. Maybe there had been some quiet while they walked across the parking lot, but he distinctly remembered making an excuse so he could have a moment alone in his apartment.
He’d told Casey he just wanted to change clothes and then he’d be over for a cup of tea.
He’d meant that. Or, at least, he thought he did. But, one minute turned into ten, and then that into half an hour, and then that into an hour.
Ariel had not processed the passing of time. He hadn’t changed clothes, either.
He’d gone into his sparsely decorated room and taken a seat in the corner, away from the bed. Near the closet door, where he’d opened it so wide that it touched the wall behind him. He sat in the tiny little space between the door and the wall and let himself get lost in his thoughts. He was overthinking and underthinking. He did math. He wondered how much a bus ticket out of town would cost. He might have googled it, but his fingers hadn’t really been working for a while. He held his phone in both hands, resting against his knees.
He could have sat in his dark bedroom for hours, but a little notification about an upcoming bill on his phone popped up and was so bright that it jolted him back to reality.
An hour and fifteen minutes had passed.
Was that right? No, it couldn’t be. He turned his phone off and then back on again. He watched the minute switch, and then stood so quickly he hit his head on the doorknob. He was halfway across the room before the pain started, but he pushed it to the back of his mind. He should have texted Casey but he was already fumbling to get out of his apartment.
He nearly dropped his phone in the process of hastily locking his door. No one was in the hallway to see him drop his keys afterwards. He didn’t know why his hands were shaking so much. (Yes, he did.)
Casey’s apartment door was six steps away and he crossed them in three. He doubted himself only after he’d knocked. He probably could have just let himself in and Casey wouldn’t have minded. He felt vulnerable and uncertain in the hallway. He didn’t want to be out here alone.
Ariel didn’t wait for Casey to answer; instead, he was unsurprised to find it unlocked. He hadn’t realized how cold it was outside, how cold it was in his own apartment, until he was in the warmth of Casey’s. Just as soon as he’d closed the door, he immediately locked it behind him.
He’d apologize for this, for everything–
His head was throbbing and he felt dizzy, but he couldn’t just crumple to Casey’s floor again. He raised a hand to his forehead and hated that he could feel a knot swelling.
There were a thousand apologies and explanations on his lips but now that he was here, he couldn’t think of a single word at all.
Except, at least, “I’m sorry.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 7:51 am
Casey hadn’t minded letting Ariel part ways with him for a little while. Getting changed into something more comfortable was a good idea. Besides, he would be over for tea in just a little bit!
So Casey took a deep breath and went about preparing the tea he’d promised. Decaf, because while he had normal tea, he wanted to have more excuses for Ariel to spend time with him. If they had tea before they went to sleep, well… that was a good end of the day. No, seeing Ariel was the best part of Casey’s day, and he wanted to make sure he was comfortable and… and maybe convince him that Casey was worth being around.
Ariel hadn’t come over by the time the tea was boiling, so Casey poured it to steep, and then hurried into his bedroom to change. He nearly tugged his pajama shirt on backwards in his haste, but was able to correct it before he made a fool of himself. Harrison was fed as well. And when she was done, the tea was ready and brought out to the living room so they could wait.
And wait…
Casey tried not to let the thoughts creep up on him. He tried not to think about what else he could have done to help Ariel. He thought about going over to check on him but… that would be an invasion of privacy probably. A text? He’d typed one out, but… no, if Ariel wanted some time alone, then he didn’t need Casey to bother him, so he deleted it.
Anyway, he knew Ariel would come over once he was ready.
He just didn’t know how long that would be.
Casey wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but Harrison was snoring in his lap as he sat on the couch, staring at the long cold tea. He heard the knock, but thought he’d imagined it. Maybe it was just his thoughts providing hope to be further dashed.
He only looked up when Ariel actually came through the door. His eyes were red, but he hadn’t cried. That would have been ridiculous. Why would he cry when he was just waiting?
Why did his heart feel elated and breaking at the same time?
He offered Ariel a smile and shake of his head, but didn’t get up from the couch since he didn’t want to disturb Harrison.
“For what? Oh… I should be sorry. I think I let our tea go cold. Sorry, I should have timed it better.”
Did his voice sound like he was trying not to get emotional? Probably. He laughed in order to brush it off. It was fine. Ariel was there now.
It was fine.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 8:14 am
Ariel was observant. He had been for a long time. It was second nature to look for the little things, the microexpressions. Even a finger twitch could say so much.
Casey’s eyes were red in a way that made his heart sting. The waver of his voice worsened it.
The tea wouldn’t be cold if he hadn’t taken so long.
Harrison was a horrible guard dog.
Ariel leaned against the door as he began to pull off his shoes. “I lost track of time.”
It wasn’t a lie. There were just so many other truths attached to it that it was difficult to know where to start, but he felt like he owed Casey an explanation. And more apologies.
“I like cold tea, it’s perfect.” The only benefit of cold fingers was that they felt nice against the bump on his head.
He wanted to sit close to Casey but he didn’t know if he should be allowed. With his shoes discarded by the door, he made one last check to ensure the door was locked–and wiggled the doorknob just to be sure–before he carried himself to the edge of the couch and took a seat.
His movement felt mechanical, carefully coordinated but equally unplanned. He struggled to look at Casey so he kept his eyes on Harrison.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. It wasn’t Casey’s fault, none of this was. The only thing he could be blamed for was being too sweet. Too kind. Too easy to be around. Too gentle. Too good.
Those weren’t things to apologize for.
Those were things Ariel liked about him. It was too easy to let his guard down around Casey, and maybe that’s how they got here. But it wasn’t his fault. And Casey certainly shouldn’t ever change.
He was perfect just the way he was, and–
Ariel didn’t want to lose him. Casey deserved better, though. So much better. If he hadn’t been crying, he’d–what, been sitting here, alone? Waiting for Ariel to show up?
His shoulders sagged. An apology wasn’t enough, he just didn’t know what else to say.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 8:47 am
Casey inched over as much as he could without bothering Harrison too much, who seemed like she was chasing squirrels in her dream. She was definitely a heavy sleeper, at least.
He wanted to be near Ariel, but he also didn’t want to seem like he was trying to crowd him, and he definitely didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable.
“It’s okay,” he promised, his voice quiet in order to make sure it didn’t fluctuate again. “Is… is everything okay with you?” he asked--
And then gasped when he saw the red bump on Ariel’s forehead.
“What happened??”
Oh… oh, this whole time he was sitting around feeling sorry for himself when Ariel had been hurt. He’d just had so many doubts about himself that he couldn’t even consider that Ariel could have been bleeding to death or something, just the next apartment over.
“Ariel, I-- … sorry Harrison,” he winced as he hefted her off his lap. She grunted and curled up in the warm spot he’d been sitting while Casey moved over to get a better look at Ariel’s injury.
“Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital? Oh my god, do you have a concussion? Do you know your name? What year is it??” he panicked as he seemed like he wanted to reach out and check Ariel’s injury but also wanting to give him space.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 9:04 am
A second passed and Ariel stared up at Casey with what might have been confusion, but it had nothing to do with the bump on his forehead and everything to do with the fact that the layers of tension on his shoulders seemed to lift. The coil in his stomach unwound. His heart fluttered, and pressure on his chest eased.
Ariel’s brows furrowed, but as he looked into Casey’s worried eyes, his lip trembled. It twitched into a smile.
He laughed, softly. He was an adult, he shouldn’t come undone so easily. It wasn't fair, especially after everything he’d already put Casey through today. He shouldn’t be allowed to find such comfort in his closeness.
“Yes, I–I’m okay, Casey. I’m sorry for worrying you. I saw the time and ran into the door on my way over here. It hurts a little, is it bad?” He brushed his fingers across the bump again and couldn’t help but poke a bit. Of course it hurt, and he winced when the pain stretched down to his fingertips.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 9:58 am
Wait, Ariel was laughing? Oh no, he really was concussed!
Casey stared in alarm for a few moments longer, but when Ariel was able to explain what happened he eased a bit. Winced out of sympathy.
“Don’t be sorry. It looks like it hurts,” he frowned when asked. But now that he wasn’t worried about having to call for an ambulance (why was he always having to worry about calling for an ambulance with Ariel??) he was able to calm down a little.
Gingerly, he reached out to brush some of Ariel’s hair out of the way so he could see the bump better. Not that Ariel’s hair was actually in the way, but he wanted an excuse to touch it.
And before he thought better of it, Casey leaned close so he could gently kiss the spot that was now red and swollen.
Since, well, children usually wanted a kiss to make boo-boos feel better. Oh, but he didn’t think of Ariel as a child! Hmm…
“Oh… uh… I’ll get some ice,” he nearly stammered and pulled back so he could flee to the kitchen and hide the pink in his cheeks.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 10:37 am
Had he just imagined–had Casey just–?
Oh, he was gone. Good, Ariel needed a few seconds to get the gears in his mind turning again.
That had definitely been a kiss, and–
Oh, no. His heart was pounding again. Every ounce of stability he’d managed to recover were gone, he was back to feeling like he was falling.
Casey was too kind, he was too sweet, and Ariel–
Oh, he didn’t know what to do.
By the time he could even think to react, Casey was gone and out of sight. Harrison was still here, though. For a few fleeting seconds, the pain had diminished immediately. All he could think about was how gentle Casey’s touch had been.
He had to tell him.
It felt like someone had stuck their hand through his chest and squeezed his heart into nothing. Like they’d stuck a fork into his gut and twisted up all of his insides. Like pasta. Cold, wet, soggy pasta. He felt like he was going to throw up.
Harrison was still sleeping. Ariel’s hand had started trembling. She was such a good girl. He couldn’t help it, he scooted closer to her and pulled her into his lap so he could hold her. Just for a moment. Just for a bit of warmth.
Just so Casey had somewhere nearby to sit again.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 10:46 am
It was okay, Casey just needed a moment to breathe and gather himself. He didn’t want Ariel to be hurt. He was so relieved that he hadn’t forgotten to come over, or… worse, that he’d decided Casey was just too much to deal with. He wouldn’t have blamed him, though. He knew he was a lot. Obviously. He’d just kissed him -- his forehead! But… it was still getting all in his space and --
Oh right the ice.
Casey fumbled around in the kitchen, trying to decide how best to get everything. He didn’t want Ariel to have water dripping on him, so he got a sandwich baggie and put some ice in there. Oh, but what if that was too cold. Okay, so he grabbed a clean washcloth and got it a little damp and put that in the baggie as well -- or tried to. It was too big to fit. That was fine he would just use some paper towels then.
He was nearly out of breath by the time he hurried back into the living room, but he had successfully wrapped some ice in some paper towels and then all placed inside a bag and then the wet cloth around that. Oh, maybe that was a bit much.
“Here, uh. Let me. Just… I mean, if you don’t mind. You look really comfortable,” Casey nodded to Ariel with Harrison who he was positive was faking being asleep now because she was wagging her tail a bit even with her eyes closed.
Hoping he wasn’t getting too into Ariel’s space, Casey sat next to him on the couch. But this way he could reach up to place his hand on Ariel’s chin to guide his face to turn towards him, and then with his other hand gently place the cloth on his forehead to hold in place.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 11:50 am
Oh, good. Casey was sitting so close that Ariel could almost just lean over so their shoulders brushed together. He refrained, because now that Casey was back he found his thoughts and emotions suddenly stalled.
He offered a soft word of thanks and held the ice pack to his forehead. It soothed whatever pain he had accumulated, but his heart was beating so strongly that every pulse produced a fresh reminder of his discomfort.
As a distraction, and also because he loved her, he brushed his free hand over Harrison’s forehead.
“You’re so good to me,” he murmured. He felt cold, from more than just the ice. He felt a very distinct dread welling, powerful and suffocating.
It felt like he’d been chewing on glue and his jaw didn’t want to work. His voice had softened, like it was too much effort to speak any louder or clearer.
“...I’m sorry about earlier. I mean, really sorry. And about just now. I…”
He hadn’t really had to explain this to people. Either they knew or they didn’t, and the ones that knew were already gone.
“I have some things I’m working through. And I guess I just got in my own head. And I’m sorry I put you through that.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 5:34 pm
In the time Casey knew him, Ariel had spoken very little about his personal life. The basic information seemed okay for him to share, but beyond that he didn’t seem like he wanted to open up.
And Casey was okay with that! He understood! He knew that there were some things -- often very painful things -- that hurt worse to talk about. So he tried very hard not to pressure Ariel into talking about things he wasn’t comfortable talking about.
That didn’t mean he didn’t care! He cared very much! And that was why he tried not to pry or prod or push. He wanted to ask. He wanted to know what happened that made Ariel so closed off to everything. But he didn’t want to hurt him by opening wounds.
So when Ariel apologized, it was hard for him not to ask what was going on or why he felt the way he did. Instead, Casey chewed on his lip and… maybe absently… or purposefully… reached over to brush Harrison’s forehead as well, so his fingers ended up brushing over Ariel’s in the process.
It wasn’t supposed to mean anything that Ariel didn’t want it to mean! Just… that he was there.
“What can I do?” he asked after a few moments, still trying to figure out how to offer help without getting too close that Ariel had to push away. “When you feel like that, is there anything I can do to help? It’s okay, though. You don’t have to apologize.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 5:47 pm
“I do have to apologize,” Ariel insisted, but not with any force. Just determination. He didn’t look up, and though he did his best to make it seem as though he was just brushing Harrison, twice in a matter of seconds, his fingers brushed against Casey’s.
He fell quiet for a few seconds, but not so long that he could give his doubt time to grow. It was like a bandaid, he just had to rip it off. Or, at least, enough of it that Casey could see the festering wound and leave.
“You don’t need to do anything. The less you do the better, honestly.” Not because Ariel didn’t want it, and the tone of his voice betrayed how hard it was for him to say such things. “I don’t want the wrong person to see.”
It was coming out wrong, and Ariel released a shuddery sigh because he was sidestepping the real issue. He didn’t want Casey to assume he was saying something horrible. People had been cruel to him before, for a reason Ariel couldn’t understand. Casey was charming and sweet and anyone who couldn’t appreciate that was a fool.
He liked the idea of being seen with Casey. He liked being with Casey.
Just, not when it was risking both of their well-being.
So, Ariel had to suck up all of the insecurities and doubt, and all of the fear and dread. It felt like needles were pricking all over him, hooking under his skin and tugging and tugging and tugging.
“I made a really bad decision a while ago and I got too deep into a relationship before I saw the red flags. And I made excuses, and by the time I realized I had to get out, it was too late. I’m just trying to make things right and I’m just trying to move on. And I’m having a really hard time. I had to quit my job. Jobs. I had to move. I had to give up my friends. Or–no, I guess most of them gave me up. It was just easier. I don’t blame them.” It hurt, but it was a complicated situation. This wasn’t about them, though. “I’ve jumped through every hoop I can. I’ve burned through my savings. I’ve hired lawyers. Legally, there’s nothing I can do. I mean, until ‘something happens’, but I’m pretty sure the next time something happens, I’m not going to be alive to tell anyone about it. And I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
He wanted to insist that he wasn't being dramatic, he wanted to lay out the facts. He wanted Casey to understand. He didn’t want to list everything out, he didn’t want to dwell on it. He didn’t want to burden him with any of this and he didn’t want to have to deal with it.
Ariel had so much to say but he suddenly found himself paralyzed, holding his breath and waiting. Casey deserved time to process, it wasn’t fair for dumping all of this on him, anyway.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 5:55 pm
When Ariel insisted that he needed to apologize, Casey clamped his mouth shut. He felt his cheeks flush a little, upset with himself for pushing aside something that was obviously important to Ariel.
So he remained quiet as Ariel spoke. He didn’t miss the way Ariel’s fingers brushed over his a couple times, but he also found himself trying not to feel hurt when Ariel told him that the less he did the better.
But… no, he was just misunderstanding again. There were particular ways that Ariel spoke sometimes that made more sense if someone knew he was trying to keep something secret. It was like he was speaking in riddles. Possibly as a defense to protect himself after being hurt.
And Casey was already furious at whoever hurt him. He could feel his heart race as Ariel… opened up. Maybe not all the way, but some was better than not at all.
There was another reason for his heart to race, of course. It was because Ariel was trusting him with this information. After months of casually chatting and having dinner and sharing music and books and looking out for each other, Ariel was telling Casey about his life beyond just being neighbors and friends.
I don’t want to drag you down with me.
Harrison was content in Ariel’s lap. Her tail had stopped wagging so she likely went back to sleep.
Casey wanted to ask more. He wanted to know who this a*****e was that hurt Ariel. He wanted to know how to keep Ariel safe, especially if he was afraid for his life.
Ah… that must have been why he was so frightened in the woods. If he thought someone found him, someone who could have hurt him, or worse…
Casey felt like garbage. He felt so incredibly useless. He didn’t know any legal advice to help. He couldn’t even defend himself against his parents when he was kicked out. He didn’t have many friends to ask for help either.
But he didn’t want to lose Ariel.
“What about… when no one will see…?” he quietly amended his question from before. If Ariel didn’t want him to do anything for fear of the wrong person seeing, then what about when they were alone? Surely there was something.
“I think you’re very brave… and strong… I’m… uh… I don’t want to have to give you up,” he admitted quieter than before. The words Ariel had said at the park, the ones that sounded like a goodbye, still rang in his ears. Was Ariel telling him all this because he intended to flee again…? Was it fair that Casey wasn’t willing to let him go…?
He liked him. A lot. But after everything Ariel just shared with him, he doubted Ariel would want anyone even suggesting a relationship. Not one beyond friends.
So Casey kept his mouth shut around the words he wanted to confess. As far as he knew, telling Ariel how he felt would only push him away faster.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 6:39 pm
If he were being honest with himself, maybe it was easier to tell Casey any of this because he thought there was an end in sight. It wasn’t practical to run, he couldn’t afford it. His heart hurt too much when he thought about trying to tell Casey that he couldn’t spend time with him any more.
Casey wasn’t even trying to push him away. He was, as always, being sweet.
Ariel shook his head, because he didn’t feel like he was brave or strong. He was cowardly and foolish. Resilient, but it was easy to see his flaws, and easier to think of all the things he’d have done differently if he was given the chance.
Was this going to be another moment he’d regret one day?
He could push Casey away. He’d miss him for a long time. Maybe forever. He might keep him safe. Or, it might mean nothing, anyway. He couldn't predict the future. He should just live in the here and now but it was hard when all he could think about was how things could go wrong.
About how badly they could go wrong.
“If no one could see then I would worry much less,” he admitted. “I think I'd get out of Destiny City, if I could. It’s my home, but it’s not like I have ties to people here anymore. I always hoped that when things calmed down, we could reconnect, but.” He shrugged. “I don’t think that’s going to happen. You’re the only friend I’ve got.” He hadn’t made friends at work, he didn’t talk to them. He didn’t want them to know him. He didn’t want to know them. He wanted to get paid, he wanted to leave.
“I don’t want to give you up.”
He didn’t. Selfishly.
“I don’t want to make your life harder. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I got spooked earlier, I really thought–I mean, it’s stupid, now that I can think about it. Who would ever find us in the forest? But I thought we were in trouble. I got scared.” Ariel exhaled and seemed to deflate, and melted against the back of the couch a bit. Softer, he added, “I thought you might get hurt.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 7:21 pm
“I don’t know,” Casey said quietly, and also leaned back against the couch. Their shoulders were touching, but if Ariel made a movement that indicated he didn’t want to be touched, Casey could have easily pulled away and said it was an accident.
“My life has gotten a lot easier with you in it,” he admitted as he tipped his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. He still had his hand reached over to Harrison’s forehead, but his pinky just… casually rested over one of Ariel’s fingers.
“I look forward to being able to talk to you. You’re my only friend too. Well… Harrison doesn’t count,” he said with a quiet laugh, but it was mostly just to fill the empty space than actual humor.
“I thought there was something there, too. It wasn’t just you. I was scared, too. But that very handsome forest ranger could have saved us, yeah? Ah, well… maybe Harrison would have.”
That obviously wouldn’t have happened.
“Ariel,” he said after a few moments, but didn’t open his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he opened them again that they would still be dry. “Thank you for telling me.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2023 8:55 pm
The energy felt like it had drained completely from him. It was such an effort to just hold the ice pack to his throbbing head. The pain had faded a bit, but now that his heart wasn’t racing so much he wasn’t so aware of it.
He wouldn’t have moved away from Casey even if he had energy to spare. He radiated warmth and safety and peace, and Ariel was a sponge that sucked up as much of it as he could. His hand rested on Harrison’s head and he was no longer making any effort to pet her.
He didn’t think Casey should be thanking him. He’d hardly even scraped the surface of what he could say, but Casey hadn’t tried to push him away or talk down to him. He wasn’t rude or insensitive. He was perfect, as always.
“I’ll tell you more, sometime. If you want. It’s not a good story and I feel very foolish about all of it. But I ought to at least tell you who to watch out for.” Ariel sighed and let himself lean over, just a bit to rest against Casey. He wanted to rest his head against him, but that was too forward. He felt like he’d used up all of his luck, he couldn’t risk more.
‘My life has gotten easier with you, too. And Harrison is perfect, she’s just wonderful. I would have fought a bear to save her. I’m glad that handsome forest ranger was there to take us in. I didn’t hear what you said to him, something about apples? What was that?”
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