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Admiral Von Radioactivity
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 Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 3:13 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 3:38 pm
Not shabby. It seems a bit...I dunno what the word I want is. Forced, maybe. It just seems a little strange that they would hide, that the parents wouldn't be there sooner, that the murderer would speak to his targets at all.
Little things like that. But wait--this might be the wildgal in me, but i smell conspiracy theory. surprised
Nevermind me. It's pretty good so far.
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 4:33 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:10 pm
Lawlz.
Charlie says, 'owned.'
Aaaanyways, I don't like how quickly it just concludes, being that your story keeps too quick. It should slow down during that 911 call, methinks.
But mm.
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Admiral Von Radioactivity
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Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:20 pm
LaverneTerres Lawlz. Charlie says, 'owned.' Aaaanyways, I don't like how quickly it just concludes, being that your story keeps too quick. It should slow down during that 911 call, methinks. But mm. That 911 thing is on my list to edit in the future. And I wanted to see what the response was before I decided to write another part. It was originally a oneshot, but others I let read it also said they would like more. So if I get a few more responses like that, I'll probably add more.
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Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:15 pm
I like it.
A few things, though:
1. Maybe it's just me, but at my school, we'd never have a pep rally for the swim team. Our boys' swim team won the regional title, but no one really cared. But when the boys' basketball team was in the playoffs for the regional title, there was a pep rally, we were allowed to dress in school colors (we have a uniform), and teachers didn't give homework so we could go to the games.
Parents often remarked that they liked how the swim meets were scheduled right before basketball games, so they had a "pre-game show." stare
And what does the swimming have to do with the story? It doesn't really tie in.
2. The murderer says that he wants: "You and your wife, dead." That seems forced. sweatdrop And why were the parents murdered? Why didn't the murderer just shoot the kids at the top of the stairwell?
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