[R] one screw taken out of the door {Heliodor x Faustite}

[Kolina]

The last rays of the day were straining themselves over the skyline of the city when Heliodor had set out for the evening. His nightly ritual to wear himself down to the point of exhaustion. It wasn't a difficult process. If he was honest with himself he would fall into bed hours before he actually did. But it was fine. He had survived on even less before and came out of it fine in the end. Then again, perhaps fine was relative, but he was still alive and that was all that mattered.

He slipped over the rooftops, pausing for a moment to watch as the sun finally dipped beyond the horizon and twilight finally took hold. It was in that moment his communicator informed him of a message. Brows knit together as he read the message, obviously crafted by Headache, and anxiety began to twist the knot in his stomach even tighter. The damn thing never seemed to untangle itself, at least not since the night of Faustite's mission. And now, it seemed, his time had finally come to deal with the idiocy of his actions.

He ran a hand over his face. He had a moment where he wanted to banish the tablet to subspace and pretend that the message never came through. But, he knew better than to try something like that. Not only would it gnaw away at him, but this was Faustite. The boy was persistent when he wanted to be, and toss into the mix that he was a General King now, well...he had even more power to throw around. Not to mention Helio was sure he'd find himself plucked from the city and confronting an even angrier half-youma. Plus, the message had made it rather clear what ignoring it would lead to.

Also, a small part of him had been waiting for this. Waiting for the axe to finally fall and save him from this endless world of limbo. His imagination had been the enemy this whole time as various outcomes were thought up and played on repeat in his mind that even found their way into his sleep. Hence, his need to be so tired that even his mind couldn't betray him.

Where did he go? Did Faustite have a new office by now? Surely he did. Helio hadn't gotten word on where it was. His self segregation meant he got little info. Seeing the team at the bank had been his first interaction with any of them since April.

He took a deep breath, nostrils flaring.

Peeling paint and worn wood greeted him as he teleported to the team house. A trembling hand reached out and opened to door, allowing him to slip inside, eyes darting around the entrance-way for the General King whose presence filled the entirety of the area. Just like at the bank, Faustite's chaotic energy couldn't be mistaken anymore. It was a strong, forward presence.

A part of him was incredibly proud.

"Faustite?" He called, his voice was shaky. He cleared his throat as he began to move deeper into the house. Thankfully, it hadn't taken much searching. A large as the place was, the kitchen and Faustite's bedroom had been the most logical places to search first, and the former was on the same level as the entrance.

Helio didn't cross the threshold. Eyes kept down to the floor or flickering to the stove occupied by a kettle. Never settling on Faustite himself. Even Headache in the shape of Jadarite garnered Helio's direct gaze. Wait, that was headache right? Yes. As close as the youma could get there was always something off. Not to mention the lack of the General's aura was a good giveaway.

"Message received." He said, as if it wasn't clear enough with his presence.

Lips pursed as he finally forced his gaze on the General. Finally really looked at him since he'd last laid eyes on his husband at the entrance to the rift. Eyes darted to Faustite's hand at that thought as his stomach clenched in response.

strickenized

 

[Kolina]

Despite not making direct eye contact, Helio was very well aware of the change when Faustite switched his attire. The change of appearance was strong enough to note, but not to pull the boys attention from the spot he found utterly fascinating on the counter top. Helio was incredibly uncomfortable as he stood there at the threshold of the dining room and kitchen. He didn't know what to do with himself. As much as he both dreaded and awaited this meeting, it still didn't mean he was prepared in any sense.

No. He was anything but prepared as it became apparent when he visibly flinched at Faustite's words.

"I could never wish you hadn't come back." His voice was barely above a whisper. To think that the thought had crossed Faustite's mind...

"Why?" Ever so slowly he forced his gaze from that small spot to his husband. He carefully watched Faustite from behind purple fringe. The visual changes were still apparent, even with the shift Faustite had made with his clothing. While there were no crystals now, and the coat was a more familiar cut and pattern, the rolled sleeves showcased one of the changes that had come from, what Helio could only assume, was Faustite's near youmafication. His eyes glued upon those appendages and the darkness that had crept so much higher on those thin arms. His brows furrowed as guilt surged. "Why even bother? With this? Me?" He croaked out, voice breaking.

It would have been better. So much better if this conversation was happening in Faustite's office. An official space where he wasn't being offered tea and quiet conversation. He'd prefer yelling and screaming instead of this quiet questioning.

"I...I don't...I..." He took a deep breath trying to gather himself. "I ******** up. If it hadn't been for Queen Laurelite you would be a youma right now and I..." ********! He hated this. Frustrated, he pushed away the fringe that he had been hiding behind.

The corrupt was utterly anchored to the spot where he stood even with the invite to tea. Perhaps because of the invite he didn't dare budge. His eyes shifted away from Faustite again, finding the wall to the General King's left. "I don't deserve this. You." He said, self loathing and bitterness coloring his tone, even with his voice being incredibly quiet by the end.

strickenized

 

[Kolina]

He opened his mouth to reply but was cut off. Not that it mattered. He had no way to defend himself at this point. So he didn't say anything. Not a word, as Faustite tried to both chastise and explain. Questions left unanswered as bidden.

What he had expected when coming here wasn't this. Not an angry tirade for his avoidance. He'd ******** almost brought the end to his husbands humanity and here Faustite was acting like it was no big deal? Like it was just another day? As if it didn't matter? Cause it did. It mattered terribly.

Helio couldn't wrap his mind around it and he watched Faustite with sullen eyes, flinching when the kettle met the stove with force. Practically withdrawing into himself as his husband continued.

And as Faustite approached, finally, Helio expected a physical assault of some sort. Prepared himself for it. The fire in his boys eyes seemed to promise it but, instead he found himself merely face-to-face with the General King. Gaping like a fish by the end of it, mind completely blank as he just stared at Faustite in the silence the fell between them once everything was said.

Eventually he looked away, breaking the eye contact he'd made when Faustite had approached and forced his proximity. He was so tired. So incredibly tired and emotionally exhausted that Helio found himself stuck, unable to fully comprehend the metaphorical peace offering that was being offered to him. But, being able to understand it and accepting it were, thankfully, not related, and Helio fell back to old training. "Just sweetener." He responded dully, eyes still not moving to meet Faustite as he pressed his back into frame of the entryway to create enough space to skirt around his boy without touching.

He moved further into the kitchen, finding a counter space far enough away from the stove and prepared tea. It give them both space, but specifically Helio, when Faustite went back to preparing their drinks as if he were merely hosting a leisurely afternoon tea break. He let the silence hang heavy before, finally...

"I don't understand how you can just be..." He weakly gestured a hand from the tea to Faustite. "alright about it. I don't understand. I ******** up in a way I don't think I can ever forgive myself for." He had been so frightened once he realized his mistake on that battlefield. And then to watch Faustite suffer and struggle as his youma began to overtake him...

He tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling for a moment, a wetness settling into his eyes at the memory.

Strickenized

 

[Kolina]

He inhaled a breath through his nose to settle the dampness that had dared overspill. Another one. Eyes closed as he listened to Faustite move, listened to his words.

He dropped his head, looking even more weary for the efforts he was making to fully pull out of himself, as told, and attempt to view the whole sequence from another perspective. It....it helped. A little anyway. But to allow self-punishment to be the only course of action? Helio didn't agree with it. It made what had transpired feel as if it were nothing more but an insignificant matter. As if people hadn't been thrust into a difficult and incredibly emotional situation because of a mistake. A big mistake. He wished, on many accounts, that Kama had followed through with his emotional outbursts and threats.

Even if the turnout was, honestly, the best result any of them could have asked for.

"Glad you ******** it up, honestly."

"I..." He cleared his throat at the roughness of his voice. "I am glad that, despite it all, you're alright. Better than alright, it seems. I never could want anything else for you. Never wanted to see you hurt." He said, arms folding across his chest as he sunk further against the counter and into himself. "It's all just..."

It was all a ******** jumbled mess within his head and heart. That's what it ******** was. A gods damned mess that was impossible to vocalize at that moment. All he knew was that, despite the turn-out and his boys' own forgiveness, Helio wasn't ready to offer himself that sort of kindness.

"Just because the outcome was for the best doesn't excuse what I did." Wearily he managed to keep his gaze on his husband. A marked improvement from when he first came in. A forced improvement, but if his boy was willing to stand there and try to speak reason, then it was only appropriate to give his attention where it was due. Even if his eyes attempted to slide away to the steaming mugs of steeping tea.

Strickenized

 

[Kolina]

He hesitated for a moment as the cup was offered to him, but Helio took the few steps to the Faustite to claim the cup of tea before returning back to his chosen location. The mug was hot in his palms, scalding almost, forcing him to hold it by the small handle with one hand. His fingertips of the other helped keep the vessel steady just enough to mask a trembling he hadn’t even noticed until the liquid betrayed him. All the while he listened to what Faustite had to say.

The reasoning behind the chosen punishment made sense. But old habits of expectations were hard to break. While Helio had made mistakes that wardened only verbal repercussions, others…others had brought about a more physical consequences. Even if Faustite hadn’t been the one to dole them out, the expectation was there. And now…would he be considered a masochist for almost wanting it?

This quiet and gentle punishment was….confusing. In the past Faustite’s words could feel like a whip that bit deep and painfully. Even that would be more acceptable. In the moment.

He nodded though at the offered ‘punishment’. It was something, he supposed.

Golden eyes watched as Faustite tended to his own cup. Those slender fingers tended to the drink with cream and honey, of course, for his husband. The liquid turning to the color of a sad coffee. Helio’s own preferences tended to lightly sweetened coffees and teas without a hint of creamer or milk.

At the mention of an assignment, Helio tentatively raised his cup to his lips, sipping at the hot liquid. Even with the taken care, he scalded his poor tongue on the tea, nearly spilling the drink in his surprise. Shakily, he turned and placed it on the counter next to him as Faustite finished.

There was that tongue. Though not as barbed as it could be. He opened his mouth as if the argue, but snapped it shut. There was nothing to argue about. Not when Faustite saw right through him. That thought had the boy turning his head and gaze away from the General King. His nostrils flared as heat rose to his face with humiliation. Leave it to his boy to cut right to the core.

“Fine.” He said more sharply than he intended. “I must come across as some introverted p***k to be assigned something like ‘get to know your team.’” A pause. “Assuming the team wants anything to ******** do with me anymore.” His voice low with disgust. Another moment passed before more rose to the tip of his tongue to be unleashed…

He bit his tongue as he opened his mouth to throw another scathing remark. There was no point. His punishment and assignment was set no matter how much he didn’t agree. Faustite had drawn his line in the sand and appeared to be holding to it. There was no point in making them both miserable. In fact, that thought tempered Helio the most as it quickly led back to the pain he’d already cost his boy.

Pfft. His boy. His husband. What right did he have to claim Faustite as such right now?

The boy practically collapsed at his center again as he crossed his arms in front of him, tea left on the counter to cool, perhaps even forgotten already.

“Are…” He paused. “Are you really alright? No side effects or pain?”

”Strickenized”

 

[Kolina]

Deflect? More like he was trying to create space to breath and temper himself.

So he listened. And grew more angry. "Look. I get it that getting to know comrades is important, but it's a two way street. To stand there and make it sound like it's my fault that I don't know them and they don't know me is bullshit." Had he ever gone out of his way to know them? No. Was he ever rude or unkind to them? Not that he could recall. Were the circumstances that may have made some of the team wary of him? Sure. But never. Not once to his knowledge, had he gone and went out of his way to NOT know anyone on the team. The amount of interest they'd shown in him was mutual at this point.

"Fine. Whatever. Place the blame on me. Easier that way I suppose. But what you're asking for isn't going something that's not just going to happen because you want it to. I can trust someone to do a job, but to trust them wholly..." He scoffed. "Well, you said it yourself. I can't even trust myself. So.." Bitterness hung on his words. He shrugged as he pushed away from the table to pace back to the entry of the kitchen.

Trust isn't easily doled out to anyone. Hell, even Waru hadn't earned it in its entirety, and he'd been the most open and welcoming of the lot. Opening himself up to that level felt impossible. There was only one person who he felt safe enough to open to and it seemed to lead to far too many arguments. He lowered his gaze to the ring on his finger that his thumb idly fidgeted with.

Why did it always end up this way? He loved his boy, but it felt like there was this immeasurable wall that, no matter how often it was razed, it was built right back up again. Helio would think they were finally past it. Finally, but something else would just come and prove him otherwise. He was flat out exhausted from it. How many more times could they do this? Could he do this?

Turning away from the entry way, he sighed as he looked at Faustite. The amount of pain he kept putting himself through for this boy he loved felt almost inexhaustible, but he feared that one day he may hit a limit. "Is there anything else?" He questioned quietly.

Strickenized

 

[Kolina]

It was the unexpected contact that caused Helio to flinch, but he didn’t pull away. While it had been unexpected it wasn’t unwelcomed. Just…not what he had anticipated. That tenderness shifted to his face, and brown knitted as he carefully assessed Faustite as he spoke. Golden eyes locking with those molten ones as commanded. Searching.. Or perhaps it was Faustite doing the searching?

So he listened. Heard it all. Probably looks like a fish for the way he opened to respond and closed again, unsure how to even react. Part of him wanted to snap out. Try to explain, again, that he wasn’t trustworthy. That yes he trusted Faustite but that trust could not be extended past the singular person who had both destroyed and rebuilt his life. It was why he struggled so much.

But the last words…those ones… Is he giving me an ultimatum? Is that what this is?

Fear rose at that. His own heart beat rising to match Faustite’s. Hammering away in his chest that neared panic. He’d gone too far. Pushed too hard. He should have known better. Did know better, but it was so damn hard.

“Fine.” He choked out, pushing down his emotions in one big fell swoop. Another rock in an ever weakening dam. “It’s…fine. I do trust you.” He raised a hand, hesitated in his approach, before tentatively placing it upon his husbands narrow waist, over that cincher the protected him from the worst of the flames burning beneath.

He loved his boy. Loved him dearly. Helio just could not understand how he could be forgiven so easily? So simply? Trusted even? It made no sense but spoke volumes for Faustite’s character and abilities to accept. That realization made Helio feel even less of himself, especially knowing that he was anything but that. So much less.

“I am just…not.” He confessed softly. “Not ok. I am tired and…” Lost, beaten down, jealous, inadequate, broken, afraid, unworthy… “down on myself.” His other hand slipped between Faustite’s arms, hands still perched on his shoulders, to rub at his face as he leaned fully back against the doorway. Perched in the same spot he’d been when he first arrived.

“I don’t know where or even how to begin. With the team.” Easier to go back to the task at hand. To avoid anymore talk that might lead to yet another leak in his tenuous grip on himself. Easier to talk about his lack of comraderie or lack of interest in it as a whole. Because if he was honest with himself, he felt no need to know them. Despite Faustite’s want for him to ‘not read into it’ it was hard not to feel that bitterness towards those same people. Especially considering that it only came up now.

strickenized