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 Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2022 3:10 pm
If Reiki had wanted any further indication that he possibly, kinda sorta, maybe needed to consider taking a mental health leave for at least spring semester, Obaasan had certainly given it to him.
For starters, she rarely ever summoned him into her office during the block of time he used for lunch, meeting with undergrads, and so on. At that, when she did call on him around that time, it was because he’d gotten up to his neck in grading papers, revising his own, or overbooking himself that she knew he was in danger of not actually eating.
Today, though? Reiki had no undergrads scheduled to come by (though one always expected for somebody to show up to the graduate assistants’ office during the open hours when they knew you’d be there). Maybe he hadn’t been eating yet, but rather than working on anything serious, he’d been neck-deep in the second (English-translated) volume of an isekai danmei novel, originally published online. Instead of preparing for any undergrad visitors, he’d forced himself to keep a straight face while seething quietly, waiting for Luo Binghe to just kiss his ******** shizun already. Hardly worthy of any finger-wags or tut-tuts about scheduling time for self-care.
Next big thing, he’d barely gotten through her door before Obaasan had shoved into his hands a second bento she’d had Ojiisan make up this morning. Apparently, they’d conspired about this for the express purpose of foisting the bento off on Reiki, in the name of We, your loving grandparents, are deeply concerned about whether or not you eat lunch, and if you’re doing the hard work of self-care, not just the aromatherapy baths and cuddling your dog.
…………Not that Reiki could begrudge them that concern—he couldn’t begrudge anybody in his life that concern, not when he’d been a vaguely human-shaped disaster area since August—but, still. Sobering, to have Obaasan specifically call him into her office to ask how he was doing in her tone that brooked no arguments and made clear, without threats or overstatement, that she was not in the mood to play games about this or to tolerate any equivocations, half-truths, or general stubborn refusal to admit to something she already considered painfully obvious. (Had he wanted, Reiki could have pointed out that he’d learned behaviors like this from her, but calling himself Murasaki’s grandson in any sort of negative context? Never. Unacceptable.)
Following that conversation, he hadn’t officially filed for that semester of mental health leave yet. Fair enough, Reiki thought, since taking at least a night to think about such a big decision had to make sense. And Reiki hadn’t stopped thinking about it. All through his own evening course, while trying to debate fellow grad students on the nuances of Times Square Red, Times Square Blue, Reiki silently pondered if he could keep pretending to have anything in his life even remotely balanced right now. Last week in this class, most of his contributions had come because he’d desperately needed to distract himself from <******** Faustite, and his <******** note, and the looming threat of dealing with him any <******** further.
After class, rather than following the tides down and out to various bikes or cars or bus stops, Reiki headed to the roof and powered up. Stashed his backpack in his subspace, with the bottled water he’d kept stocking up on since the summer. Might’ve had an easy time doing a quick patrol and heading home—but guilt gnawed at the back of his mind. Guilt about not having an answer yet about whether or not he wanted to take a leave next semester. Guilt about trying to ask Haruhi for advice when work had nem rather slammed and ne knew less about senshi business than Reiki did. Guilt about worrying Obaasan so much, she’d conspired to bring him lunch and nudged him about taking time off from school.
At least one of those things, he could work on right now.
Required briefly powering down to go get what he needed, but……that was the same as when he took coffee or boba over to Kerberos at his bench. Except that, tonight, Reiki stopped by a little family-owned place a few blocks off from campus, treated himself to an actual decent meal, and did not go to North End Park. Sure, it felt weird, sitting on the edge of some mixed-space office building, in his fuku, with a tray of spider rolls and an oversized to-go bowl of chicken katsu ramen, topped with mixed vegetables and egg, but……whatever, though?
Reiki hadn’t eaten since Obaasan shoved him the bento, and didn’t remember if he’d had breakfast or not. There weren’t any full-length mirrors around that he knew of, and his noodles would get cold by the time he made it back to his and Haruhi’s place. Better to be aware of any incoming auras while enjoying his ramen warm than get caught off-guard.Kolina_ Sorry about the slight delay, lmk if this start works for you! heart
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2022 11:22 pm
Aelius walked a few blocks from his current modeling location, dismissed for the day, to power up.
The past few days had been total s**t. Plain and ******** simple. If it wasn't the whole event that went down at Emmy's apartment it was thinking about his brother Trey or, better ******** yet, Faustite and Waru. Nothing was easy. Not with how quickly his emotions and disposition could swing. It had only been a couple days. Perhaps he was being too hard on himself, but god damn, it shouldn't be this hard.
He should be happy. Trey was back in his life. Sure, it was going to take some work to rework their relationship, but they had each other now. They could, would, rebuild. Instead, he found himself shifting his focus to Faustite more often than he wanted to. The boy had kept a secret he shouldn't have. A secret that, rightfully, pissed Aelkius off. How dare he have kept something like this hidden then have the audacity to grow angry at Aelius's reaction?
And, to top it all off, Faustite had told Waru. He couldn't help but focus on that bit the most. How had Waru rate higher than Aelius or Trey on something that impacted them and not Waru? Why did it seem that Waru was always there, always involved in every aspect of Faustite's life? Why did it feel as if he, Aelius, was always trailing behind trying to catch every ******** moment he could with the fiery General. Waru was the favored. The first.
And why the <********> did he even care at this point!
Helio skipped across the rooftops, lost in his thoughts. It was terribly apparent he hadn't been paying an iota of notice to anything around him beyond the immediate vicinity when he felt like he practically fell over the DMC's signature.
It took him a moment after he stopped to fully register what he was sensing, and if he hadn't caught a glimpse of that rather familiar fuku he would have turned on heel and left. The last damn thing he wanted right now was to get caught up in another of Faustite's interests or projects.
Some of the words that were said in that cellar uninvitingly came swarming back. Perhaps it was a blessing at that point, something to redirect his energy into as opposed to just wallowing in his own issues and emotions. It was that thought that had the super slowly moving towards Murkibashi. Hands were tucked into the sleeves of his fuku in an attempt to stay warm as he became aware of the cold night air.
If Murkibashi stirred, Helio didn't react or alter his destination. Instead, he walked up to where the other sat and plopped himself down at the edge as well. "Hey."
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Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2022 10:58 am
At the feeling of an oncoming Negaverse aura, the hair on the back of Reiki’s neck stood up—but he smothered the impulse to scamper with petulant resolve. Pure and simple, Reiki had gotten here first. He wasn’t harming anybody, regardless of their team or if they were maybe a civilian. All he wanted to do was sit here quietly and eat his ramen. Surely, if he could get into so much other trouble, thanks to the presumption of solidarity between their respective legions of broken, Chaos-tainted reprobates, then for once, that frustrating fact of his existence could kindly work in his favor. If he kept his head down and minded his own business, then there was no quarrel to be had between him and this Negaverse operative, right?
……Right?
—Apparently, less than right, or so Reiki judged from the fact that they sat down next to him. Biting back on the sigh building up inside him, Reiki glanced aside. Dragged his eyes over the long violet ponytail, the amalgam of bright and arguably conflicting colors, the general Look of an outer space shinobi who’d grown bored of espionage and ambush warfare, then traded them in for a life in making pinku eiga. As it clicked who’d joined him, Reiki made himself take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds. Sighing would hardly make a good start for an encounter with one of Faustite’s people. Might put them In Their Feelings and make Reiki’s life exceptionally difficult.
He could have left, he guessed. Same as Jada had told him back at the Farnsworth. But Reiki had gotten here first. Since silence wouldn’t work out well for him, though, he said, “Heliodor.…” Didn’t we reach some degree of consensus about your team and myself leaving each other alone?, he wanted to ask but kept to himself, lest his attitude cause Problems. “Don’t feel any other auras. I’d ask if your teammates aren’t lurking somewhere, powered down, waiting for a signal, but then…if they were, would you actually tell me?”
Vegas money said “no, probably not; Heliodor could not have been that stupid.”
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Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2022 11:32 pm
Heliodor was somewhat surprised that the Dark Mirror Senshi hadn't budged from his spot, but Helio didn't show it. Instead he just offered the senshi a shrug and a smile at the initial question. "I can assure you that I am the only one here. Of course, that's just my word and considering the last meeting, I expect you wouldn't trust it?" He raised a brow, the small smile not leaving his face. "But you can relax. I've brought no one in tow and I don't expect to have any of my teammates approach even if I was alone."
Helio didn't think his teammates would hold any sort of resentment or anger towards him from his blow up at their last meeting, but it was still quite fresh. Many may choose to just keep their distance for awhile and let things cool. The only damn person who could see trying to contact him right now was Waru and...
Helio took a deep breath through his nose and slowly let it out.
"I actually had been hoping to run into you, without the team nearby. I hadn't thought it would be so soon." He turned his gaze from Reiki to the area surrounding them. It was nothing remarkable. A usual scene of brick buildings, some commercial, others not. Some a mixture of the two. Windows glowed with a warm light where people were likely home, cooped away from the chill of the night. Winter was not far and it was becoming apparent with fewer and fewer people loitering in the streets. "I have no intentions of causing any problems for you. Whatever Faustite has against you right now is not my concern. That's between the two of you."
While there had seemed to be a general consensus of mutually staying away from each other, Helio wasn't feeling particularly accommodating towards that. And, without a direct order to do so, Helio intended to at least have a conversation with the DMS.
He looked back, eyes shifting to the food. "That smells good. You get it nearby?"
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Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2022 1:46 am
While Reiki didn’t feel entirely comfortable with Heliodor’s uniquely Negaverse-flavored incursion into his space, he had to admit one simple thing: the rooftop was not actually His Space, in the same way that his and Haruhi’s apartment was. Much as it might have annoyed him, getting snuck up on and having to deal with whatever Heliodor had dropped in his lap today, the Negaverse senshi had as much right to be on the roof as Reiki did. Technically, both of them could’ve gotten ordered off by whoever owned the building or a cop if they got truly unlucky, but since that wasn’t happening, neither of them had any right to make the other leave.
Not unless Heliodor was secretly filthy rich and/or big in real estate, he owned enough of Destiny City for Reiki to have gotten unlucky and picked one of his buildings, and he could produce the deed on request to assuage Reiki’s curiosity. But even by the standards Reiki kept in mind for high-concept magical girl nonsense, that sounded pretty damn unlikely.
Still, he could easily nod at Helio’s point about the mutual lack of trust here. “I wouldn’t trust it off the bat, no. But……there’s admittedly no evidence to say that you’re lying to me—and frankly, I should be able to agree with you that none of your teammates will approach…” Reiki huffed, idly blowing his bangs off his face, as it occurred to him that maybe his phrasing there wasn’t entirely clear? “…By which I mean that—I thought ‘we all need to just stay away from each other’ was the pretty clear take-home point from that little group therapy session? Putting it in terms of ‘why do you want to get close to someone who so obviously stresses out your boyfriend, or whatever you call your relationship status’ sure seemed to work on Albite, at least.”
Which Reiki still counted as something of a personal victory, considering Albite had been the one to drag him back into the room with that magic of his, and then to have such unmitigated gall to get offended that, in response to Faustite acting like having Reiki around only made him miserable and multiple others telling him to leave if he didn’t want to be there, Reiki had chosen to exit, stage “door into the grungy hallway.” Getting someone like Albite to back the ******** off had to be an accomplishment.
Thinking about the……attempted call-out, or whatever Albite had meant to his little speech to be? Still made Reiki’s stomach lurch in a way that made him not entirely want to finish his meal. “Muri. Hun”—as if Reiki had given him permission to act so familiar. “You’re under the wrong sorta impression”—maybe not entirely what Albite had meant, but part of Reiki still itched to point out that it had been quite difficult to reach any other impressions about people who’d kidnapped him, spoken openly about torturing him, acted like the only tragedy of what Reiki’s magic had done was how it had triggered Faustite (as if the lives he’d snuffed out of the cycle of reincarnation while on his bender hadn’t mattered at all), and, oh yeah tiny insignificant detail, sold out all of humanity to the planet-eating eldritch monster from outer space in exchange for ******** tiddlywinks.
All that in mind, what sort of impression was Reiki supposed to have about these ******** people, exactly?
……Well, right now, he certainly had the impression that Heliodor was being genuine with him. Not that Reiki could explain why or to what end, but he could at least meet the other senshi with a lack of hostility. “Whatever Faustite does or doesn’t feel about me is between Faustite, himself, and him,” Reiki said simply, earnestly. “I mean, on one hand, it’s that whole ‘What other people think of you is none of your business’ idea that therapists love to talk about but that never works out so cleanly in practice? But on the other hand, my plan is to stay away from all of you as much as possible. Work with Tama on my magic, yes, but keep my distance from your team’s senshi and officers. Faustite obviously doesn’t want me around and I have no desire to waste my life on people who hate me, so……”
Trailing off rather pointedly, Reiki shrugged. Faustite hated him, water was wet, some things were simply self-evident.
Either way, he nodded. “If you’re hungry for good ramen or sushi, though? There’s a little place a few blocks from here, Nagisa’s. Local, family-owned, nice atmosphere and a solid menu. And since I’m not on Youtube, you can trust I’m not getting a cut out of recommending them.”
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2022 7:14 pm
"And you would be smart for it." Helio responded. "I would be highly worried if you didn't have any sort of doubt to any promises I make right now." Blind trust was not a good thing. Though, from what he'd seen of Murikibashi Helio hadn't expected any sort of trusting happening. Especially considering the circumstances in which they had all met. No, it was best off that they agree to tread carefully and take things at face value. It was best that way. At least, for now. Helio tapped a finger on his forearm. "Well, considering it wasn't a direct order means that there is a lot if wiggle room. Also known as, I don't need to follow the whims of what some other members of the team have decided upon." He winked. "Besides, I don't see why we need to remain strangers to each other. In fact, I wanted to talk to you about some of the stuff said that night because I think you and I have a bit more in common than you may think." At the mention of the sushi, Helio'strain of thought shifted for a moment. "Noted. I will have to make a point to check it out." He paused a moment. "I don't think we were ever really introduced to one another. Not in a friendly way, anyway. I am Heliodor." He offered a small wave before tucking his hand back into the sleeves of his fuku. "You can call me Helio if that's easier." He shrugged. "I have no real preference. "But tell me more about yourself and your thoughts on being a senshi." Helio tilted his head to the side curiously. His long purple hair, which he hadn't bothered to cut this time, rolled over the back of his shoulders with the motion. "Because it sure sounded to me like you have very..." He paused trying to find the right word for fear of coming across as prying too hard too quickly. "Strong opinions about you being one. Worrisome opinions, actually." He worried at his lower lip for a moment in contemplation. "I've been there, myself." He continued. The hope was to open up to Muri so that the Mirror Senshi was comfortable doing the same. "Struggling with accepting a change in my life that I hadn't asked for." [ amorremanet Sorry for the wait! I was on a trip then got sick and am just now having a chance to play catch up.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2022 11:52 am
Heliodor was listening with more patience than Reiki currently felt inclined to believe existed on the Negaverse senshi’s team—or at least, what did exist seemed to have concentrated itself entirely in Miss Jada, Space-Buns’s little sister in the green. and probably Abbey Roadkill. (Considering they’d managed to get through the entire interaction despite seeming so massively uncomfortable and out of their depth, Reiki didn’t know for sure? But he did feel inclined to give Abbey Roadkill the benefit of the doubt about their capacity for patience.) The rest of them, though……enh? Maybe the smarmy dragon-b***h in the blue understood patience, but maybe he was a Karen waiting to happen.
None of which helped Reiki know how to deal with the member of Team Spicy Eggplant currently existing in his vicinity. The more Heliodor talked to him like a normal person, as if none of the baggage between them and Heliodor’s team existed anymore because why, the more it made Reiki want to meet him with the same energy. Aside from being rude, you sure didn’t win any friends by keeping too fierce of a guard up, not in Reiki’s experience—but just because Helio didn’t have any of his little friends with him tonight didn’t mean he wouldn’t report back to them. Didn’t mean he wouldn’t take anything Reiki let slip to him and submit it to some dossier that maybe the Negaverse, being organized in a way the Dark Mirror Court was not, possibly kept on its enemies.
Still, since the inter-faction politics of magical girl business in Destiny City had decided to get their grubby hands all over Reiki’s happy little dark mint-chocolate magical girl fantasy, some degree of game-playing had become an unfortunate necessity. Opting out of the good fight meant leaving innocent people to die, potentially without understanding what was happening to them, and that was, point blank period, Unacceptable To Reiki—even if the current “fight”……well.
It mostly entailed sitting on a roof, returning Heliodor’s small smile and wave, and surviving this conversation without Reiki getting himself put on some Dangerous Subversives list (or whatever they had in the Negaverse).
“Not to be rude or anything, Heliodor? But that actually sounds like a pretty considerable difference between us. Because I absolutely asked for this.”
Thankfully, Reiki had the excuse of eating his ramen to pause and think about what to say, and how to (hopefully) rein in his mouth. How to safely express even a fraction of the wrongness that he’d unwittingly invited into his own life by trusting that Levi—sweet, kind, good Levi, who worked so tirelessly to help people, out here in the real world—wouldn’t ever lead him astray. How to convey, without getting himself killed, the sentiment I thought it was generally understood that anyone saying ‘I want to be a magical girl’ would mean it in the sense of ‘I want to be one of the good guys, I want to help people and fight for love and justice, I want to fight people like the Negaverse and frankly my own ******** Court, not work with them.’
How to ask ‘Helio, are we the baddies?’ without using those words exactly, which seemed about as likely to go well as talking about respecting the inherent sanctity of life with Negaverse operatives in general.
Soon as he was ready, Reiki picked up to explain, “I’ve wanted to be a magical girl for most of my life, y’know? For a very femme little gay boy whose opinion of most male superheroes and shounen protagonists is ‘I’d consider you for the role of my ********, but please stop talking’? Magical girl stories are perfect. It’s an entire genre where the characters I identify with get center-stage and the hot guys are there to be eye-candy, love and support their magical girlfriends (unless the magical girls are lesbians), and occasionally get rescued.
“So, when the Dark Mirror Eternal who took me to get Awakened said ‘Do you want to be a magical boy,’ like—yes? That’s not even a question. I have the chance to live this fantasy of mine in real life? Of course I want to take it.” Sighing softly, Reiki crossed his legs at the knee. “Should’ve asked the Mauvian involved what my powers were going to be before saying ‘yes.’ Then again, maybe she had no way of knowing.
“Either way, any disappointment is my own fault. Assumed I’d have cute, uplifting magic themed around something like hope, or love, or helping people articulate their true feelings. Instead of what I got, which just, to me, seems unilaterally bad. All kinds of ‘monsters are always hungry, darling, and they’re only a few steps behind you, finding the flaw, the weld, the place where we weren’t stitched up quite right.’ It’s very that. Which is distinctly not what I had in mind for my magical girl fantasy.”
Never mind joining the magical girl life so a boy would like him, as if he didn’t know several pieces of Miki Sayaka-chan’s dialogue by heart and know how badly that wish had worked out for her. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
More talking than he’d planned on, but by his own standards, Reiki was doing fine. Crucially, he didn’t think he’d put in anything too revealing. Details that might make Murikabushi more identifiable, but that he hoped wouldn’t point back to Reiki. Being femme and gay was something he flaunted proudly, and he was hardly unique in Destiny City. Magical girl stories had a wide audience. Richard Siken and his poetry had been practically omnipresent in certain circles for going on a decade. Reiki’s story had, at least in his own mind, been true, and open, and vulnerable—but hopefully not as helpful as it might have seemed to anyone trying to dredge up the real person hidden beneath the ill-fitting, borrowed pageant gown called ‘Murikabushi, Senshi of Hunger.’
“For what it’s worth, though?” Given the serious subject matter, he couldn’t bring himself to smile at Heliodor again. But he tried to keep his expression sympathetic. “I’m sorry for whatever traumatic thing you didn’t ask for happened around your own Awakening.”Kolina No worries, I promise!! This time of year is so busy for everyone, it’s fine if you need more time for tags!! heart
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Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2023 11:59 pm
While the intent of this encounter was meant to be a ‘get to know you’ venture, Helio had not expected Muri to open up so quickly. The details were carefully given. Nothing could ever be followed back to determine the Mirror senshi’s civilian side, but it had been truthful. A way of Murikabashi to take the olive branch that Helio had been holding out and Helio listened attentively. Murikabashi was, without a doubt, an interesting character. But, there was no judgement. After all, Helio had been one of those rare boys who dreamed of being a danseur noble. It was unlikely to happen, and in the end it never did, but that didn’t mean his dream had been foolish in any way, just like Murikibashi’s wasn’t laughable even if it was maybe odder than his own dream.
“Life has a way of taking our dreams and twisting them.” He said carefully as he thought about what to say. “Sometimes it’s to our liking and other times, it’s as if she decided to clobber us with some heavy mallet on our heads.” Ok, perhaps not the most romantic of analogies, but life was anything but romantic.
He licked his lips in thought. “I am sorry that what you wanted wasn’t what you got, but that’s why I wanted to talk to you. While you’re absolutely right that we differ in our wants to be magical boys, we have some similarities.”
It was here where he really paused as he positioned himself more comfortably, folding a leg up and under him, leaving the other to continue dangling over the edge. He shifted so nothing was awkwardly pushing into his newly positioned leg to cause any uncomfortable sensations. “I was part of the side that you wish you had been pulled into.” He started carefully as he watched Muri. “I can’t remember anything about it. Can’t even tell you my name from those days or if I had any friends as an Order Senshi. Perhaps I did, maybe I didn’t. I was only a basic senshi at the time so I assume I was fairly new.” He waved a hand. “None of that matters, beyond the fact that me being order meant my corruption changed my entire life. I lost everything and hated every part of my life as a corrupted senshi. I was barred from interacting with the family that I lost and was forced into what felt like a living hell.
“So, in that sense, we are both in a faction that neither of us wanted to be in.” He held a finger up to indicate he was working to his point. “It took a long time. Quite a long time for me to come to terms and find my own place in this new life I had to build for myself. I struggled. A lot. To the point where I fell into such a rut that I welcomed a near death encounter.” Was he going too far? Too deep? He watched Murikabashi as if to test where he was and how he felt about this, but Muri had divulged a lot of himself and Helio really had no reason to hide any of this beyond his own shame.
“And let me say I am not telling you this to play some sort of ‘whose d**k is bigger’ game with who got ******** over more. It’s hardly that. But what I am trying to get at is that it takes time to settle in. To understand what it is that you’re meant to do with the hand given to you. The way you were talking in that basement worried me. In fact, you sounded an awful lot like me when I had been first corrupted and I didn’t want to take the risk that you may hit the low that I had hit. Cause there’s always the chance that you won’t make it out like I did. I shouldn’t have, to be honest. Faustite should have left me there to die for how I acted.” Mentioning the fiery General’s name flared up the anger that had begun to settle once he’d found Murikabashi. Foolish to have mentioned him.
He heaved a deep breath through his nose to calm himself. “So, while you may have wanted to be a magical girl, your expectations haven’t lined up with reality and that is really what I meant when I said we ‘hadn’t asked for this’. You hadn’t asked to be a Dark Mirror senshi as much as I didn’t ask to be corrupted. But, it can be worked through. Your magic, your faction, all of it, can be worked through if you’re willing to face it all and stop shying away from what was given to you.”
He offered a sheepish smile that lacked his usual bravado and certainty. “I am willing to help where I can because, I don’t want you to ever fall as far as I did. I don’t wish that on anyone.”
He paused a moment. “And for what it’s worth, the people on the side of the war you wanted to be on never once came looking for. Not once. At least, not that I have heard.” He shrugged. “Take that for what it is, but I am of the mindset that we are all the bad guys. It just depends on how you view this war.”amorremanet Finally getting around to tag other things. I had little time through the holidays and could only keep up with Strick event. Haha Sorry if this tag is a bit all over the place. Helio is a bit all over the place anyway so...it works. He's trying. XD He's hoping to not scare Muri away with his story. Lol
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Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2023 5:23 pm
Listening to Heliodor, on one hand, gave Reiki enough time to finish his ramen. On the other hand, with all the grace and dignity of someone who would walk face-first into a street-lamp and insist it had come out of nowhere, Reiki almost choked twice. First, on the last piece of chicken katsu, when Helio said “I was part of the side that you wish you had been pulled into” (after quickly getting himself put right and settled down, Reiki hoped it just came off as shock about Heliodor’s revelation, not anything to do with that little accusation he’d thrown in).
Second, over Heliodor’s……confession? No—that made it sound almost too much like an admission of guilt, though, and therefore wasn’t appropriate. But his disclosure, maybe? About the passive suicidal ideation and how it had come out of the absolute garbage situation that was his forced enlistment in the Negaverse. (Seriously, how many senshi had been “recruited” into their ranks by some mix of force or coercion? Were Soya and Tama the only Chaos-aligned Mauvians who asked nicely upon finding a new senshi to Awaken?)
Setting the empty bowl back in the takeout bag, Reiki made himself keep breathing. Slowly, steadily, evenly. Whatever it took to make his head stop spinning with everything Heliodor had just thrown at him and where the Hell he could even start unpacking it all.
Ultimately, his mouth decided for him, in a supremely Tired and sad voice, “Why would I think you talking about wanting to die was some kind of horrific, misery-based d**k-measuring contest? That……no? Did—is this coming more from you, or did I do something to make you feel like I would think that way about you? That’s just?” With a small shake of his head, Reiki looked Heliodor in the eye. “Accusing people of turning their trauma into a contest like that—I’m? No?”
Racking his brain, Reiki felt like this probably wasn’t about him or anything he’d done. Most likely, it was some combination of other factors and experiences in Heliodor’s life. But—still. If Reiki had ******** up, then he wanted to apologize and try to make things right going forward. And if it wasn’t about him, then he wanted to be someone telling Heliodor that simply talking about the horrible things he’d survived didn’t make him guilty of any Misery Poker one-upmanship bullshit.
But—deep breaths. Without the convenient shield of his ramen, Reiki fiddled with his bangs instead, worrying his fingers through them and tucking them behind one ear.
“As to the rest—I’m sorry. That you got brought into the Negaverse so terribly. Not because I’m feeling personally responsible? Just—English, with the lack of nuance and specificity in how we express sympathy.” Japanese was so much better in that regard, though also flawed as Reiki’s means of expressing himself for other reasons. Either way, Reiki’s incessant self-blaming last time they’d met probably made the clarification necessary. “But I also didn’t say anything about factions, or mean to imply anything about that.”
At least, he hadn’t said it outright. Hadn’t wanted to, either. Best to keep that s**t to himself, locked up inside his head where it belonged. Especially while talking to a guy who wanted to sell Reiki on—what, exactly? ’Top ten reasons why it’s secretly a blessing to be tasked with draining energy from people with no means of defending themselves?’
“Adjudicating any schoolboy ideas of good guys and bad guys based on team affiliations doesn’t interest me,” Reiki said, putting himself in that headspace as much as he could manage, no matter how much it disagreed with what he’d likely feel next time he went around North End Park and swanned over to Kerberos with a what’s up, slut. “Aside from the Dark Mirror Eternal who recruited me? The first friend I made in all of this is with the Negaverse, and he’s one of the sweetest, most honest, all-around best people you could ever hope to meet.”
He was also, someone’s gods willing, getting help from My Little Lysithea and getting out of that trash-heap real ******** soon.
“Plenty on the White Moon’s side are all too eager to choose violence against someone who’s trying to help because he happens to be on a different team. It’s like their entire mission statement is ‘If they wear black and have a Chaos aura, attack on-sight.’” Better not to mention that Daphne had had a valid reason to do so (walking in on Reiki while he’d had his wraith draining Michel), nor that, with Anser and Angelica, it hadn’t really been about Reiki or anything he’d done. “If I hadn’t met Eternal Sparkly Martyr Kerberos-chan, I’d probably think the White Moon’s ranks are entirely filled with tiny, angry women who hate me for existing.
“To say nothing of the children—like, literal seven- or eight-year-old kids. What kind of ‘heroic’ team knows how much of a nightmare this all can be, then willingly allows seven-year-olds to run headlong into the fray just because a Mauvian said that this particular second-grader had the right starseed?”
Shaking his head, Reiki sighed. “I didn’t put it in exactly these terms with Faustite, back at the Farnsworth? But defining a monster by what someone is—whether that means their non-humanity, their faction allegiance, or whatever—that’s stupid. Only leads to reductionistic, overly rigid thinking and erasing anything that doesn’t fit in our arbitrary boxes. Best way to define ‘monster’ is by what people do. And—well. Senshi of hunger, right? And my magic goes deeper than making someone ******** off from a battle to go get McDonald’s.”
Staring down at his hand, Reiki shrugged. “My magic triggers addicts. Kicks people right in their traumas. The thought of what I could do to someone with an eating disorder or a history of self-harm? Keeps me awake at night sometimes. Because if they’re struggling to fulfill the underlying needs that made them slip into coping mechanisms like that in the first place, and my magic comes along and magnifies that lack for them? They could relapse, like Faustite did, and I don’t personally feel that ‘you should never wish a relapse on anybody’ is a question of Sharks vs. Jets faction allegiances. It mostly strikes me as a matter of basic decency?
“So—I’m sorry, I wasn’t clear, before? But it’s not a Dark Mirror issue for me. I don’t have any problems with being a Dark Mirror Senshi—like, what’s there to have problems with? I’ve met more people outside my Court than within it. We barely even do anything. I’m not feeling like a danger to myself or anyone else, outside of forgetting how to function around certain guys, but……thanks. For actually checking? And I definitely don’t wish I’d been Awakened by a White Moon Mauvian.”
He wouldn’t have Soya-hime in his life if that had happened. He’d be on a separate team from Levi and gods only knew how messy that would get. Kerberos and Fang and Amsvartnir might not have inexplicably decided to like him if he’d actually been on their side instead of being, what? Their token “no, wait, please, I swear he isn’t evil, he’s just camp and goth and really gay” friend? Besides, if he’d ever deserved it, he would’ve Awakened White Moon from the start. Pointless to think of such nonsense too much.
“I just wish,” Reiki said, teetering on the brink of another sigh, “that I could be the senshi of something less appallingly horrific. Honestly, why does the universe even need a senshi of hunger? Could the planet my starseed originally came from think of literally nothing else?”
None of which, he would argue, constituted lying so much as creatively tailoring his details. Was it really wishing to have been a White Moon senshi if Reiki also accepted that such an Awakening would have happened on its own if it had been meant to happen? If he was meant to be anything but a Dark Mirror Senshi, then he would already be that. Any lingering feelings of no and bad and wrong were just……Reiki’s own fault, same as any disappointment he felt about his magic, because he’d let himself have any expectations.
But……he and Heliodor clearly disagreed on whether or not simply powering up counted as facing anything. So, Reiki slipped off his glasses, rubbed one of his eyes with the heel of his palm, and asked, “All the being said: could you please elaborate on what you mean by ‘face it all and stop shying away,’ et cetera? Because that could look like a lot of different things, depending on anyone’s perspective.”Kolina yeeeah, that is a big mood right there heart But please, an all over the place tag is fine! Muri doesn’t feel scared away, at least! Upset on Helio’s behalf (at least about whatever happened to make him feel like admitting he’s had problems is the same as him starting a d**k-measuring contest), upset about his magic, conflicted and upset about his faction, but not scared away! XD heart
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Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2023 4:56 pm
"I am not...I didn't mean..." He huffed a sigh of frustration at himself. "I didn't mean ti insinuate that you'd look at anything in the wrong way. That wasn't my intent. So, you have my apologies for possibly making you think that." Raising a hand he rubbed at his chin. "I was...you know what, let's just leave it at that." No more explanation was necessary and honestly, Helio wasn't ready or willing to dive any deeper into his history.
Helio listened to Muri as he explained himself more. The amount of unexpected relief Helio felt when hearing the Dark Mirror Senshi had friends to turn to was almost surprising. It was good Muri had found people he'd felt were trustworthy and accepting of him. That was a solid step towards not finding himself in a hole so deep that there only appeared to be one way out.
"I've, thankfully, not come face-to-face with a child out there." Helio agreed quietly as he tipped his head towards the city to emphasis there. The thought of having to deal with that on the ehtical, emotional and physical front was more than enough for him. He knew they existed. Had heard about the incredibly young senshi brought into the battlefield. It was honestly a blessing that none that young could be found in the negaverse. Even though there was a solid disinterest in children, Helio was not at all inclined to hurt them either.
Finally they came back round to Muri's magic, and interestingly enough the young man had brought up something that, quietly contradicted himself.
"If it's our choices that make us who we are in this war, then you're quite far from ever being able to call yourself a monster, magic be damned." He said. "It's how you use it. If you put yourself into understanding and accepting the magic you have, you could possibly find ways that it could acceptablely be used by your own standards and want." Helio shrugged as a cold breeze swooped in to cause a small shiver to run up his spine. He pulled his robes a bit closer together on his chest. He never did like the cold. "I think you're being harder on yourself than you need to be. The fact that you're afraid of what your magic could do to someone tells me you don't want to hurt people. Not, really anyway. With some work, I think you could figure something out. Plus..." He added on as he shifted his weight to the hip closest to Muri so he could lean a bit closer. "As you grow as a senshi your magic will grow with you. It may get to the point where you won't need to use thatspecific type of magic unless you really want to.
"Plus, if all else fails, you could just refrain from ever using it. But, if you're going to do that, I highly recommend you learn how to fight physically. In fact, I suggest that either way." Helio himself wasn't a pro fighter with hand-to-hand but he could get by. Against a well-trained opponent he had to rely heavily on his magic to try and level the playing field.
"But, think about it. Maybe you're magic could unlock someone's hunger to improve themselves, their relationships, to find love, make that life changing choice." He shrugged. "We don't know for sure the full extent of what your magic can pull out of someone. Just that it's a hunger."
"So, give yourself some grace, hm?"
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Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2023 6:27 pm
Heliodor was leaning closer to him.… Reiki honestly didn’t know what to do with that fact. Was Heliodor just cold? Or was he trying to go for something else? …If he was angling for something else, then at least it didn’t seem likely to prove overly dangerous to Reiki personally. If Heliodor had wanted to attack him, then Reiki felt quite sure the boy would’ve done so by now. Hard to pass up the golden opportunity of an enemy sitting right there, with his guard (mostly) down and a bowl of ramen preventing him from acting as quickly as he might have otherwise.
……He was probably just trying to stay warm. Still silent, chewing over what Heliodor had to say, Reiki edged closer to the other boy. He didn’t know what to do with any of what Helio had to tell him, but Reiki could at least try to keep Heliodor from getting too cold.
Didn’t help him with his massive lack of a clue about everything else, though. He listened attentively, he heard what Helio was saying, and he had no idea what to do with any of it. All of these ideas sounded so easy from Heliodor’s point of view……but it felt simultaneously too easy and too insurmountable. Understanding his magic—how, though? Didn’t that require using it on people? When Reiki couldn’t trust his magic worth a damn? Was he supposed to bother a senshi who could actually get to ******** Mirrorspace until they gave him a ride, then stare into that abyss until it stared back into him, or gave him answers, or gods only knew what? Did Mirrorspace even know <******** anything?
None of this could be as easy as being quiet and just accepting that his starseed had magic with no visible use besides hurting people.…right? Besides, Reiki felt like he had accepted it……as a material reality that he didn’t like and felt was completely bullshit, but it existed, and if he hadn’t been prepared to handle having this rotten, trash-goblin magic, then he should’ve just…let his starseed wither and not gone off to become a magical girl. Not liking his magic didn’t mean that he didn’t accept it.
All of which would’ve been supremely ungrateful to say out loud, so Reiki didn’t. Heliodor was trying to help, when he was under no obligation to do so. Reiki……had to at least meet the boy where he was.
“Already have learned my way around a physical fight, actually,” Reiki said simply, shrugging, smothering his turbulent and confused emotions, and picking out the easiest, most straightforward piece of what Helio had said. The part that Reiki could actually respond to without being a complete ingrate. “Useful side-effects of being a fem gay kid who won’t play nicely with the arbitrary rules of gender that all the adults at school try to say exist.” And of being a drag queen, but that fact was too current, had far too much potential for Helio to trace it back to Reiki. “I wasn’t kidding about how I could have stayed non-magical and kept throwing bricks at people if I enjoyed it so much.”
He didn’t, not really. Learning how to fight, how to end a fight, how to prevent a fight—it had all happened for Reiki out of necessity more than anything else. He’d never learned to enjoy it, either. Back in school, the mood had only been outrage at how he hadn’t deserved that and grim resignation to the fact that he’d probably end up with a harsher punishment than his bullies for acting like the administration should’ve cared when, according to so many people, wearing the skirt uniform to school constituted handing his bullies an invitation to hurt him. Lately, Reiki’s mood in a fight had more often been sighing in frustration because his magic hadn’t gone off against some youma or other.
Either way, brooding about it didn’t help resolve the issue of what to say about any of Helio’s actual important points, either. Reiki……was just gonna have to let his mouth take over for him, he guessed.
“The rest of what you’re saying? Especially that about maybe being able to awaken an actual decent hunger in someone……sounds like a nice dream? Or something to hope for, maybe? Don’t know how anything will play out, for better or for worse, but……” Reiki sighed and carded his fingers through his bangs. Difficult to hold his breath about that idea, just considering how his magic had triggered Faustite into a relapse, triggered Kerberos so badly that he’d needed to leave the planet, triggered Fang into a traumatic meltdown, and made youma and gargoyles alike literally tear themselves apart.
But……not being a ******** ingrate. Right. Heliodor deserved better than that, and Reiki’s family had raised him better than that.
To that end, he gave Heliodor a smile. It was small, and wan, and Reiki couldn’t help musing to himself, Don’t you think she looks tired?—but it was better than brooding. “…Thanks,” he said gently. “For talking…and the perspective.… I’ll—I’ll…keep that in mind. About giving myself some grace.”
Honestly, Reiki felt like he was being perfectly self-gracious by even letting himself be In His Feelings about everything with his magic for as long as he’d done……but he also sincerely doubted that Heliodor or anyone else would agree with that assessment, and he couldn’t begrudge them that, either.Kolina_ HI, A VERY LONGTIME LATE. aksklflnksb, I am so sorry for getting so mired in tagging block and leaving this for so long!! heart
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2023 1:04 am
While this meeting had been completely unexpected and unplanned, it had been enlightening. It also eased the worry that Helio had for the young man next to him. What he had heard in that basement had felt very similar to what Helio himself had thought about himself years ago. How he acted and reacted towards those around him as he oriented himself in the Negaverse and learned his place there. So, to ease those worries was at least one thing less to think about.
Muri definitely had a tough time of it growing up. Being Gay had been difficult enough for Helio, even as the artist type, but being a femme gay? That had to have invited quite a bit of bullying and bigotry. If there was any silver lining to the childhood that Muri had, he at least knew how to defend himself. Though, it sucked that a child or teen needed to learn such a thing just to get by. "Good, make sure you don't let those skills get rusty either."
A shrug followed by a smile. "I am glad to have talked to you without the threat of my General prowling around you and the team pondering your fate. Though I won't lie. I do honestly think you'd be a good member for the team whether officially or not. That's not my decision to make though." It was completely up to Muri and more heavily upon Faustite.
Thoughts of the fiery boy soured Helio's mood a bit. Instead of festering in it though he chose to removed his legs from dangling over the precipice and stood.
"Just use whatever resources you have to help yourself. Unfortunately, people aren't always going to be willing or wanting to help others, so do what you can for you. If you need time to figure this out, take it. If meeting with Tama sounds like it could be good, do that too. Take full advantage of whatever you can.
"For now though, I'd say it's probably best if you give the General some time to calm his temper." Helio wasn't exactly sure how things were going with Faustite and the whole Murikabashi thing, but likely there were many lingering emotions going on."
He sighed and glanced over the skyline of the city around them. "Thank you for chatting with me. Unfortunately, as lovely as this evening has been, I still have duties to deal with." He paused looking down to Muri still holding his bowl of ramen. "Take care, ok? I am sure we will see each other again soon anyway."
Helio gave the other boy a wave before turning and leaving. His mood definitely in a better place than it had been.
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