Softfeather hadn't been acting the same for quite some time after her fight with Greyleaf. She still went on patrols, went out hunting for her Clan, but her pawsteps didn't feel like they touched the ground. She still ate, because she knew that she would have to be nourished in order to stay alive, but the winter seemed to drag on endlessly. She'd wake up, walk into the white-covered ground and then return to camp to sleep again, if she wasn't assigned to a different task.
She wasn't allowed in the Nursery to help Greyleaf kit and so she'd gone out again and stayed out in the chilled territory far past dusk. When she'd returned, she could hear Badgerclaw's rumbling purrs from the Warriors Den. The tomcat had stayed with her sister that entire night after the kitting and well into the day that followed. She didn't try to enter the Nursery, unwilling to provoke her sister into another confrontation, especially now with little ones.
She watched the four kits from afar and had been surprised, but not unhappy, when Brightstar gave Whitepaw to Softfeather as an apprentice. She could sense her sister's displeasure and Greyleaf had done everything to keep Whitepaw and Softfeather from becoming more than a mere mentor and apprentice, but Softfeather couldn't help her delight in Whitepaw's company. They were kin! She was happy to tell her apprentice about her mother's compassion, about how they'd looked after each other after their passing. How Cloudpaw, Whitepaw's sister, had been named after their own mother.
Training Whitepaw was one of the reprieves in her life. She enjoyed her time with her apprentice. She almost wished that she could ask Brightstar to postpone Whitepaw's warrior ceremony, so that Softfeather could have more time with her apprentice. Yet, Softfeather wouldn't do that to the bright apprentice. Moons later, Whitepaw became Whitetail and she was every bit the wonderful warrior that Softfeather knew she would be. She didn't see the young warrior as often after that, except to go on patrols and surely she still enjoyed their time together, but... It wasn't the same. The feeling of being disconnected from her surroundings started to take effect again and this time, Softfeather didn't have an apprentice she could distract herself with.
I suppose I've felt this way for a while. She thought one night, as her Clan mates slept around her. Her and Greyleaf's nests used to be pressed close to one another, but after their fight, they'd moved to opposite sides of the Warriors Den, with Softfeather's nestled closer to the entrance of the den, in case she couldn't sleep and wanted to get in some moonlit hunt. Tonight, however, was a night of reflection, not of hunting. So she lay in her nest, gazing at the camp outside, cloaked in silver.
It may have started when Autumnriver, or I suppose it's Flamestar now, left. Or maybe it was when Embermist blew me off for him to leave.... Or maybe it was when Silverstreak found her mate around the same time Greyleaf found hers.... Whatever had caused it, it was practically eating away at the senior warrior now. No one needs me here anymore. No one wants me around. Silverstreak has Froststrike, Greyleaf has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me and Whitetail is a capable warrior on her own. Flamestar and Embermist went on to make their own Clan... So where do I belong in all of this? She wondered and got to her paws, creeping out of her nest and out into the chilly moonlight.
So much had changed in what seemed like such a short amount of time. Just a few days ago, Brightstar had stepped down to become an elder, making Sparrowstar the new leader and Cedarfang the deputy. Softfeather had always had grey hairs, but she was starting to feel her age... or maybe that was just the loss. She was still just as capable as when she'd first become a warrior, she told herself. Just because Brightstar had retired, on account of her failing eyesight, didn't mean that Softfeather had to. But she had one thing that she was becoming readily certain of. She looked back to the Warriors Den, where Greyleaf and Silverstreak and Whitetail and everyone she'd ever known were... Softfeather knew them, but she felt no connection with any cat anymore. She was a social cat. She was sustained by emotional connections. Since she didn't have any connections in LightningClan anymore...
"Then I'll go where I can find some." She mewed to herself. I'll have to go now. She thought and turned to move through the entrance to the Clan, pulling up short when she realized which cat was standing guard tonight: Badgerclaw.
