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 Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:18 pm
It had been a beautiful funeral, all things considered. Laurence couldn't take much credit for it; he'd gone through the motions, but everyone had suggestions about something and he'd just taken what he could. It was surreal, planning everything. Book a location, deal with invitations, catering, music, flowers.
Like it was a party or something.
Laurence had a total of eighteen hours of sleep in the entire week prior to the funeral; he closed his eyes and saw the image of his parents, pale and cold, and couldn't seem to find the will to sleep.
He had too much paperwork to do, too many arrangements.
A speech to prepare.
The funeral was on Sunday, and it felt like the entire week had disappeared in the blink of an eye. It hadn't been enough time, even up until the last minute he was fussing over things. Emotionally, there wasn't much there. He was holding things together because he didn't know what else to to. He couldn't cry, it took too much time. He couldn't get angry, that was too much energy. He just had to work. He just had to work through this and make this as perfect as he could.
It was a closed casket; the faces of his parents haunted him when he closed his eyes and no matter how much makeup they could cake on, he didn't want anyone to remember them like that. He'd worked very hard to select the best pictures of them; they were displayed together. It's what they would have wanted.
The only thing they could have asked for was for their favorite son to be there to give them their last goodbye from this world but Tobias was gone and Laurence didn't even know if he remembered them. If he even knew.
It had been on the news, along with a few quiet rumors that he'd been involved in their death.
He was, after all, in line to inherit everything. With some help, of course. The Negaverse had the best lawyers involved; with Tobias missing, though not legally declared dead, there would have been legal hangups for years.
Considering the fact that they left everything to their younger son.
But, for a 'small fee' and no great effort, the Negaverse was able to side step all of that nonsense. He'd be set to inherit their funds, their house, by the end of the day.
He was too numb to feel the sting of it all, to know that even in death they were able to remind him how little he meant to them. Even after Tobias had gone missing, they hadn't changed anything, it was all still supposed to go to him.
But now, they were all gone, and he was there alone, surrounded by strangers. There were a few odd faces he recognized--Gale and Karone had come. He knew a few of his parent's friends, a few of their business associates, some family members. But they were few in a crowd of many.
He'd used their facelessness when he delivered the speech. He couldn't think of it as a eulogy, but by the time the last word was spoken, that's what it was. He'd run out of things to say. They were getting closer to the end.
From the podium to the cemetery. He'd been a pallbearer. He sat quietly in the car as they rode, sat quietly as the priest said his final words, sat quietly as the caskets were lowered into the ground.
There were condolences. So many condolences. He was numb to them even before the funeral.
Slowly, people filed into their cars, went to the reception center. He was supposed to join them, was supposed to go find some consolation in the fact that he was with friends and loved ones, that he wasn't alone.
If it weren't for Gale and Karone though, he would have been.
They were waiting by the cars, talking to one of the drivers, while he accepted the words of the departing guests. He lingered by the plots, trying to find some way to process this, trying to find some way to get closure.
The crowd had thinned out almost entirely; there were a few lingering guests but he was tired, so tired. So lost.
He didn't recognize them, he didn't question who they were. He was as much of a stranger to himself as they were to him right now. He didn't have the wits or will to be any more social than he had to.
Exhausted and running on fumes, half starved but oblivious to the hunger, he carried himself as well as could be expected.
It wasn't enough, though. He knew that. There was no closure, no peace.
Just him, and two plots in the ground.
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2019 8:14 pm
The funeral had been one of the worst things that Tobias had ever gone through. He was both relieved and utterly horrified that Zac had insisted on coming with him. That it had been Zac who had seen him lose control. Who had seen him break down. Who had held onto him as Tobias sobbed silently and brokenly into his chest as his brother stood up there, alone and spoke about their parents.
His parents.
His parents who he would never see again.
Who might have died because they were looking for him.
He had worked hard to try to make things seem as though they were okay, but he knew that they weren’t. Tobias knew that they might never be okay again.
He had lingered after most of the crowds were gone, lingered away from everyone, his deep purple eyes trained on his brother, watching his every move.
Sure, Laurence was alone in this, but Tobias willed strength to him, willed that he could know…could feel that he had some family here…and though Zac had warned him not to go and talk to the other male…Tobias couldn’t help it, and slipped over the moment that he could.
His eyes were still red rimmed from his weeping, but quietly he tapped the older male on the shoulder. “Excuse me. I just…wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss…and um. Your words were beautiful. They…must have really loved you…they were lucky to have such a um…a strong, kind hearted son…”
Even though he had been watching Laurence all day, it seemed as though now he couldn’t meet the male’s eyes.
Perhaps Zac had been right…he shouldn’t have spoken to him. He shouldn’t have left the shadows…should have just…stayed away.
He could feel more tears threatening again, and it was all he could do not to throw his arms around his brother and weep all over again.
Though, that wouldn’t be fitting at all.
After all, to Laurence, he was no more than a stranger.
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2019 8:30 pm
Laurence glanced up, torn from his trance by the gentle tapping. He offered a polite smile, a delicate mask to conceal the strained emotions he'd been forcing down all day.
All week.
"Thank you, you're very kind," he said, voice softer than it should have been. He'd strained that too, trying to force himself to keep an audible, steady voice. He'd been going through the motions; it didn't slip his attention that the boy in front of him didn't look at him, but grief was a strange thing to bare.
He'd had a little more time than most to prepare for this moment, to deal with this loss, but he figured that at the end of the day it still must have been harder on him than just some business associate or passing friend.
...But the young man in front of him seemed like he was taking this hard. His parents had done many altruistic things; it wouldn't have surprised him if he found out that they'd set up a scholarship, or that he worked for one of their companies. He seemed young enough that this might have been his first brush with death.
He reached a gentle hand out to rest on his shoulder; it wasn't anything personal, just a polite gesture. "I'm sure they would have been happy with this turnout. I appreciate you coming. Were you close to them?"
It didn't matter if he was or not; Laurence was barely listening. He was being social, polite, but at the end of the day he didn't know if he cared much about anything.
He was just too numb, frozen inside and trying to hide from the emotions he'd kept bottled up for so long.
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2019 8:54 pm
The sound of Laurence’s voice almost made Tobias lose it. The sound of the male talking to him…though…it wasn’t personal. There wasn’t the warmth that had grown between them before he had purified. There wasn’t even that level of cool indifference that had festered there for years before they had mended the rift between them.
He would have given his right arm for even that right now.
The words were lost on him though, when the hand landed on his shoulder, and for a moment, Tobias couldn’t breathe, his eyes flickering to the hand, the tears welling in them. He wanted nothing more than to throw himself into Laurence’s arms and sharing the grief with him. To apologize for ever leaving in the first place.
To apologize for everything.
He drew in a deep breath and just nodded. “Yeah…I was…close to them…” Wiping his eyes, he was finally able to look up into the haunted ones of his brother’s…and he swallowed. “I fell out of contact over the last few months though…I wanted to write or call I just…”
Tobias shrugged. “I wasn’t…able to and now…”
And now they were gone.
Forever.
He trembled slightly and choked back the sob that was suddenly too large in his chest.
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 8:41 am
Laurence tried to place the young man's face to any memory; he didn't recognize him, didn't understand how his parents could have been so important to some nameless boy.
Write or call? Why not just visit?
What would have stopped him?
Laurence wasn't piecing things together, not exactly, but there were questions popping up in his mind that he didn't have the answer to. He was too tired to care, in nearly all instances, but he couldn't express his grief properly, and here was some stranger just falling apart.
"Would you like a moment alone with them?" he asked, glancing at the caskets of his parents, sunken into the ground. His hand was still on the young man's shoulder, as reassuring as he could manage. Laurence just didn't have much of anything to give anymore.
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:22 am
Time alone with them…time alone with his parents…no. that wouldn’t…it wouldn’t be the same at all. He shook his head after a moment’s pause. His face was white from the very idea and he looked up at his brother again, eyes now swimming with unshed tears that had again sprang up, unwanted.
“No! I don’t know what to say to them….and they won’t say anything back and…and…”
And he couldn’t handle that. He shouldn’t have come in the first place. He shouldn’t have left the Negaverse. Shouldn’t have done anything. He shouldn’t have gone out that night when Evan saved him…he shouldn’t have done anything…and then perhaps this wouldn’t be happening. Perhaps his parents wouldn’t be still and silent in their graves.
Perhaps then Laurence wouldn’t be looking at him as though he were an utter and absolute stranger. Perhaps they would be holding one another. Sobbing and able to comfort one another.
Tobias’s lip was beginning to tremble and he shook his head, looking away again. “No…I don’t need any time a-alone with them I just…wanted to say how…how sorry I was…I…I’ll miss them terribly.”
They had always liked him more anyway.
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:33 am
Laurence looked at him once more, for a long moment. Thinking. Calculating.
He didn't have the mental or emotional capacity for deep thinking; this week had been too hard on him already. Maybe it was for the best that he wasn't eating, sleeping--he might have been a mess, too, if he had been taking care of himself.
He searched the boy's face, looking for any familiarity, but there was nothing.
He wasn't a physical person, not really. He didn't know why he did it, why he shifted positions to hook his arm around the young man's back and draw him into a silent hug. Maybe it was just so he didn't have to feel bad about seeing the tears, about not knowing what to say.
He drew him to his chest and held him, quietly murmuring, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Let this boy cry for them, let him shed tears when Laurence couldn't. He couldn't afford to fall apart, now now. Not when there was still so much to do.
But then, maybe he was just a bad son.
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:34 am
When he felt Laurence pull him close, the dam broke.
His own arms wrapped tightly around the male who had once been his brother and he broke down utterly, his shoulders shaking, the loud sobs muffled in Laurence’s chest.
It felt right to be back in the male’s arms. As thought Tobias was a child again. Having just skinned his knee…Laurence was always there. Always ready to tell a joke or share some ice cream to make him feel better. He was always there to take care of his stupid, reckless little brother…and now once again the stupid, reckless brother was here in need of comfort.
And once again, Laurence was here to provide it.
He held the male close and his sobs increased in volume and strength, until finally he managed to choke out. “I’m sorry…I’m so, so sorry…Laurence…I’m sorry.”
The words were muffled, but Tobias put everything he could into them, needing the male to know how he felt. Even if nothing could be done about it.
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:42 am
"It's not your fault," he said quietly, resting his chin atop the boy's head. He closed his eyes and exhaled, just absorbing the warmth of another living being.
The only one who felt what he felt.
His stupid ******** little brother, come out of the woodwork. Where anyone could be watching. Where Karone could see.
His heart was pounding in his chest and despite the sudden pressure, the sudden stress and anxiety, he was more relaxed than he had been in a while. He wrapped both arms around him, stroked his back, and sighed.
"What are you doing here, kid?" He didn't know his name. He could barely remember his face. He closed his eyes to try and block it out, to try and make sure no one could use it again. He kept it vague--just in case he was wrong. Just in case this was just some guy off the streets or something.
...But it felt right. It felt like his brother. Or, maybe, he was just so desperate to know that he was okay that this was the best thing he could do. Find some substitute, just pretend like he was here, that they weren't in it alone.
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 11:32 am
He hiccupped and when he felt Laurence rest against him, when he felt the male holding him tighter, stroking his back Tobias realized that he might have been found out.
That Laurence might know…might guess…
And at that moment he knew that it was all he wanted. He wanted his brother back. His mother and father could never come back…but Laurence…he deserved this…he deserved to have his brother…needed him.
Finally Tobias drew away enough to look up at the male again, face filthy with tears and snot. “…I’m here to…say goodbye to them…that…that’s all.” And to see you. Comfort you.
There was rising hope in his eyes, hope that his brother actually realized who he was…it was foolish hope, but Tobais clung to it as though it were a lifeline.
“…They were important…to…to me. You…are too…”
Please, please…
Tobias closed his eyes again and rested against the male’s chest once more. “…I’m here to say goodbye.”
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 11:46 am
Laurence looked at his face, and for the first time in a long time, he found a smile on his face. It wasn't much, it was sad and tired, but it wasn't a fake smile. "What a mess," he said, "Don't wipe your snot on me," he said, drawing back just a step. He had a handkerchief in his pocket--for show, he'd figured, but it turned out it might actually have a use. He mopped at Tobias' face with it, as if he were younger.
It was like they were younger.
Laurence fussing over his younger brother, taking care of him because that's what his parents had told him to do. Because he cared.
He finished wiping his face and then handed the handkerchief to him. "Blow your nose."
He kept his arm wrapped around him, still holding him but giving him space.
"...I miss you," he murmured. "...We...shouldn't talk here." He seemed tired, exhausted; everything was sinking in again, but he was still stronger, now. "...But I want to talk to you." His voice nearly caught. "Everyone's been watching me. And I get it, I know why. Some of them think I did this. I didn't, though. I wouldn't. I couldn't. I just. Hope you know that," he said softly. "...I don't want to be alone. You aren't, are you? ...You're doing okay?"
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:20 pm
Tobais took the handkerchief and did as he was told, managing a half laugh at the utter absurdity of the situation. There was a warmth growing in his chest though, flooding through him and replacing the ache of the loss of his family. The bitter pain of the loss of his parents.
The smile on Laurence’s face was enough to wash everything away, at least for a little while.
“…Where can we talk…because I want to talk…I want to talk so bad…” Tobias’s fingers once more clutched the male’s shirt and he looked so hopeful, so needy. “They…they think you…but…Laurence…that’s stupid…how could they…I…where can we talk? Not here…not with them here I…” His eyes flickered to the graves again and he trembled. “I’m so sorry…is it my fault? Were…were they looking for me…?”
The words were out before he could think them through, and now that they had gone, Tobias could do nothing to recall them. His guilt was out in the open for his brother to see…to feel.
“You wouldn’t have done it…but…if they were out because of me…It’s all my fault…”
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:31 pm
"I have to go to the reception. I'm here with Gale and her sister," he nodded towards the two women still talking to the driver. "So I have to keep this short." He didn't let go of Tobias so easily, though.
"But it's not your fault, don't think that for a second. They were coming back from one of their business meetings. But it doesn't even matter, it was the car that gave out. It was a stupid accident. They could have been going to the grocery store one day and this could have happened. It was just," he sighed, "Bad luck."
If it was anything else, he wasn't going to tell his brother. He wouldn't saddle him with the ammunition to make this 'his fault'.
He just gave him one more squeeze; he didn't want to let go, but he didn't want anyone to notice how close they were.
"But...The reception should be over by seven. Are you coming?" He lowered his hands, shoving them into his pockets. "...If you are, you can just stay late with me. We can talk afterwards. Or, I can meet up with you somewhere private after it's over. We could go to that old pizza parlor we used to go to when we were kids."
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 3:42 pm
“No…I don’t think I want to go…I need to…chill a little but…” He rubbed at his eyes with a fist and then shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his dress pants. “I would like to meet you for pizza, yeah. Please.”
Even if he knew it was a bad idea. If he knew that it could lead to getting Laurence hurt or even killed…
His eyes closed for a moment as he tried to swiftly banish that thought. “…Yeah…I’ll meet you at the pizza place at…at eight. If you change your mind, I understand and I won’t…push for anything. But. I love you. And I’m sorry, Laurie.” His voice was hardly over a whisper and his eyes were now trained at the browning grass. “I just…want you to be okay. And I wish…that I could go back and change so many things I just…”
He swallowed hard again.
“…I’ll see you at eight.” Tobias knew he had to go. Knew that if he didn’t leave now he was going to turn into another blubbering mess.
He took a few steps away, mindful not to go towards the place where the graves were dug and looked up again. “Ah…eight.”
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2019 3:48 pm
Laurence looked at him with furrowed brows, but a soft smile on his face. "It's gonna be okay," he promised. He didn't say any names; it wasn't like he was bugged or anything, but it didn't stop the paranoia. He wanted to go home and take a shower, wash up, just be safe.
His brother had been here, though. Standing in front of him. Talking to him. He'd gotten to hug him.
He wasn't alone.
"I want to be there. I want to talk. Need to. Just...come alone, if you can. Please. I will, too. If you get there first, order what I like."
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