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Peace of mind?

What peace of mind?

Since the dream, Nembus couldn't help her malaise. Were those what her parents looked like? How were they feeling right now? When had she last seen her parents? Did her parents think she was missing, or worse, did her parents think she was dead? What about the rest of her family? What about her siblings? Did she have any siblings? Had she had any cousins, any nieces or nephews, any grandparents? Had they truly celebrated Christmas morning that way? Had she ever been given equestrian lessons?

Nembus hoped she had. She wanted equestrian lessons. Thinking that was her childhood, with parents that loved her and showed her affection in such a way, buying her experiences and even going out of the way to make the pony as pretty as she dreamed...

Stillwaterite's call had been a distraction, and Nembus jumped upon it eagerly. Being able to talk to someone who was comfortable in their position in the Negaverse might help her stand on her own two feet normally again. Stillwaterite had said she shouldn't focus on the past and what they couldn't remember, and that was what Nembus was doing, right? Focusing on the past too intensely. She needed to make new memories. And yet--

It hadn't taken long for Nembus to arrive at the strip mall, and it took even less time for them to go from there to where Stillwaterite had teleported them. Nembus hadn't even been outside of the city, and couldn't help an awed coo of wonder when she spotted what was sitting below them. Nembus had never been this far outside of the city before. Hell, she hadn't even really been outside of the city. To see Destiny City lit up like this, to see where people were moving and were living -- it was beautiful, in a way.

She hadn't been expecting Stillwaterite to speak right away, and much less did she expect exactly what was said.

Nembus blinked in surprise.

"Our memory loss?"

Since when did Stillwaterite care about her memory loss? She had said before that it was important that they make new memories, that they move on, that they find new things and make the best of their circumstances. What had happened? Why?

"Did something happen?" Nembus frowned, her voice hiking just a bit more in concern. "Did something change?" Then, hopefully, "Did you remember something?"

Nembus' shoulders initially slumped when Stillwaterite went from saying something had happened, something had changed, to saying that she still didn't remember anything.

She doubted she ever would.

Nembus sighed lightly, but it was suddenly cut when Stillwaterite grabbed her by the shoulders. Nembus' back straightened. She put her feet together. She looked up. She kept quiet as if she was looking to a superior, though she supposed in some ways, she was. Nembus was a basic level. Stillwaterite was eternal.

The truth?

Nembus' blood ran cold, the color draining from her face as Stillwaterite continued to speak. She knew why her memories were all gone, just like Nembus'. She learned why others had their memories, or at least pieces of them. There was a difference between Stillwaterite and the others. She learned that she had never made the choice. Never made the decision. Never opted to leave her old life behind. Never opted to lose her friends, lose her memories, lose her family...

Lose her parents.

Nembus wasn't a rocket scientist, but she didn't need to be. Nembus had attached to Stillwaterite so quickly because they shared something in common. They were both relatively new to the Negaverse, after all. They were both relatively new to life in general. They both lacked all their memories. They both lacked everything.

All Sailor Nembus had known was that she was Sailor Nembus, her birth date was April Thirteenth of 1998, and that woman in front of her had been Captain Marcasite.

That was all she'd ever know of her old life.

Because it had been stolen.

The concept of making new memories had been a sweet one. It had been nectar she tried to force herself to live on, but she still felt lost. How could she play the part of someone who was almost twenty-one when she only remembered as early as the summer? How could she keep lying? How could she keep pretending? How could someone do that to her? Why would someone do that to her?

A low whine escaped her lips, her expression unchanging.

To make her a compliant and obedient soldier for Metallia.

And she was compliant. She felt like she needed to fight with her heart and soul for the cause, even if there was a part of her that was unclear as to why she might be so determined to. She was told they were protecting the Earth. She was told they were saving the Earth from alien invaders. And she knew that. And her instinct told her she knew that, that everything Stillwaterite was telling her had to be false, that she needed to shut her ears and not listen to a damn thing she was saying, and yet--

There were a few people who were involved with her progress and integration. In particular, her team sprouted to mind. Her fellow lieutenants, who were not necessarily so fellow. They were agents, after all, not senshi, and they had all their memories. They were well-adjusted. They had full-time jobs and full-time friends and understood their lives and where they had come from.

And then there was Argent Industries.

And Captain Marcasite. General Marcasite. Her roommate. Jade Argent. Her friend. Arguably, one of her best friends. Not just because she was one of her only friends, but they lived together. Delilah relied on her. Had to rely on her, but relied on her.

Her thoughts were spinning, but she wasn't talking, body stiff and eyes as wide as saucers.

If she was involved, then why had she--

Could she even ask why she had--

Nembus ran her hand through her hair as well as she could, letting it fall as she thought about it for a moment. If she was still who she had been, would her hair always be short? It seemed the Order senshi didn't have that problem, with the super long hair all the time...

Of all things to think about, that seemed an incredibly silly thing, and Nembus couldn't help a short, bitter laugh at the thought.

The short laughter seemed to finally convince her to open her lips after what seemed to be an absurdly long time. "So I was forced."

Stating the obvious felt like an ice pick.

"There is someone who is," she swallowed hard, "very involved with my existence. It sounds like she likely was involved, then."

Likely involved with stealing her life away.

Nembus didn't want to think about it, couldn't think about it, and yet,

"How could they rob me of who I was?"

When the stronger corrupt's hands moved to rest on her cheeks, Nembus shut her eyes tight, fighting off the burning urge behind her eyes. She wanted to cry. She wanted to sob. She wanted to deny it. She wanted to scream until her throat turned raw.

But yet--

It was a war. She had been told that time and time again. War, war never changed. Soldiers were recruited from other sides in wars, as double agents, or because they were convinced the grass was greener on the other side, or because they were bribed, or because the opportunities were better. And yet, despite all the books she had read, having the decision to switch sides taken away from her because she would be a useful pawn seemed far more insidious. She was forced into it. She was more of a hostage than a willing recruit.

A hostage with no memory or concept of what they once were.

Nembus couldn't help looking down at her hands, away from Stillwaterite, unable to form words once more. What drove them to make that decision? What made them decide that she would be more worthwhile alive than dead--because from what she had heard and what she had been told, the 'White Moon' was better off dead than alive? Was it simply her utility? Her powers? Was there another deeper purpose? What purpose did she serve to the one who had corrupted her? Was that person Marcasite? What purpose did she serve to Marcasite? Why?

Her mind was swirling with questions, but they paused when the corrupt opted to interrupt the train of words banging around her head.

She was --

What?

That was possible?

Nembus seemed more confused than surprised at the onset, knitting her brows in thought as Stillwaterite told her she was making the choice to leave. How was that done? How could someone leave? How was it possible to just get away from the force of the Negaverse when they seemed to be everywhere? Would Nembus want to leave? Arguably, she should have wanted to leave -- her instinct in that very moment was that she needed to run, run as far as she could, run away forever, but she should really think about it before just jumping into things without a second thought, and --

Nembus bit down on her lip.

"I won't say anything," promised Nembus, first, because that seemed the most important thing of all. Considering the Negaverse's attitude towards those of the other side, she imagined switching could only mean death. She didn't want her friend to be hunted. Of course, on some level, her own complicity in letting Stillwaterite go and run to Order could also only mean trouble for Nembus. If she never said anything, though, there was no way for them to know she was part of it, right?

And it wasn't like Nembus was actively feeding her friend to the enemy.

"It's," she swallowed hard, "hard to accept that I could be part of this either if they took my life from me. My life. I once had parents, you know? I mean, I had to have, but." Another bitter laugh came. It seemed very unlike her. "I had a dream about what it might be like after I wrote a paper lying about my family on a dumb Christmas tree at that damn festival."

She was fairly sure she hated festivals, now.

"But yet, I don't have anything there, either. On that side, I mean. I don't have anything to run to, really. I might just end up even more lost. Imagine me, with only a small fraction of these fractional memories I have right now. I don't like the idea of just running somewhere where I won't have anything to fall back to, you know?"

But could she ever really belong in the Negaverse?

Did she even want to try?

She didn't know.

Couldn't know.

"I," I what, Nembus? "I'll need time to think, I think." So much thinking. "Is this," she fidgeted, "goodbye, then?"

She had friends on the other side.

That was fortunate.

Had Nembus ever had friends on the other side? Were those taken from her, too? Who were they? How were they? Were they mourning her? Was there anyone to mourn her? She imagined her family mourned her, right? They had to have been mourning her if they existed, and Nembus saw no reason to believe they didn't exist. Did they look like they did in her dream or was her brain just making some stuff up to make her feel worse about things?

So many questions. So few answers.

"Not really sure if anything can feel right anymore," teased Nembus back, quietly, though her teasing tone faded just as quickly. This was serious, and no attempt at making it not serious would make it any better. There was nothing good about this.

Who had she been? Who would she be? How could she be?

There were answers to at least some of her questions, and the most important one--was this goodbye?--brought a frown to her face. Right, of course. Their friendship would never be the same. Stillwaterite might forget her. Sedna might not remember her. They wouldn't be on the same side. Their communication wouldn't be as free. Nembus might even have to worry about being watched, or possibly getting Sedna in trouble. Was that something she had to worry about? Was that something that was possible?

But...

I'm still your friend.

Nembus had precious few friends, true friends, and she clung onto everyone that could be a friend as tightly as she could. They made her feel more normal, more accepted, more stable, more normal. More part of the group, or maybe part of a group, as it were, seeing as Sedna would no longer be a fellow corrupt senshi. But she would still understand, right? She still wouldn't remember anything before--

"I'm still your friend, too," offered Nembus, even if her voice was shaky. "So if you see me, and you recognize me, don't be afraid to approach me. If you don't, well," she let out a quiet sigh, "if it's safe too, I'll approach you. I don't wanna, like, accidentally jeopardize you."

Was that possible?

She fidgeted uncomfortably, visibly nervous. "I hope the other side gives you what you're looking for."

Whatever felt less wrong.

At this moment, she had no idea what that was.

Could she go deeper into Metallia's service, knowing that she had been forced into it? Could she leave Metallia's service, knowing there was nothing for her to fall back on?

She didn't know. She couldn't know.

At Stillwaterite's--Sedna's, she guessed she needed to get used to the new name, the eventual new name--words, Nembus smiled weakly, a smile that never quite made it to her eyes. In some ways, just getting away from it all did sound easier. If her starseed was just taken, at least she was being used for the cause, she supposed. But did she believe in the cause? And did she want that for herself? Of course not. Then she wouldn't exist, wouldn't experience, wouldn't be. She wanted the chance to figure this out.

She'd never have her old life back. She'd never be that person again.

It had been stolen from her.

But now what would she do?

Nembus was quiet for a long time, though she eventually lifted her arms to return the hug, squeezing Stillwaterite close even as she ended up buried somewhere in her shoulder or her chest.

"I hope I can find a life that can be mine."

She smiled once again, the curve of her lips a bit stronger despite the fact that it still wasn't truly making it to her eyes. Maybe she was trying to be reassuring.

"Okay."