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Lorne had wanted to get in touch with her sooner. He kept trying to. Literally. He could turn on his phone and hold it up with the dial tone going, because god knew that after everything that Nadia had said, the least that he could do was call rather than text her for a change. This was much easier said than done, though; phone calls were unnecessarily painful. He would not be able to read her expression. He would not be able to gauge the silences that fell between them.

It was also difficult, admittedly, to counterbalance all of this with starting his new job. As much as Lorne enjoy teaching, and he did, this was still a new school with new children and new parents. He'd worked very, very hard not to be a stuttering mess in front of his children, and so admittedly the first days had been immensely draining. He knew it would get better with time; it was just all of this coupled with seeing Nadia for the first time, it was - it felt like he was making excuses. Excuses not to call.

He'd done that before, too scared and too sure that he was not worth the amount of emotional labor that got siphoned back into him. Lorne was a burden - a sad, anxious burden. That still had not stopped him from hurting her, and he did not want to do that again.

So, yes - he called.

Lorne's heart leapt up into his throat, and he couldn't say anything for a moment. But then, finally, like he was trying to talk around a lump in his throat, he choked out, "H-hi... N-nadia..."

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Somehow it another now, here he was, standing on her doorstep. How long ago since the last time he had done that? So long he could barely recall it anymore. It had been so commonplace then, it was hard to pinpoint a moment. It felt more like the first time again then a return.

The way he was clutching that poor stuffed dog, it might as well have been a life raft at sea. He had flowers, too, dangling from a bag because they were potted in an attempt to be lasting, but they didn't seem like enough. This seemed like a stupid gaudy effort to apologize in things rather than gestures. He'd meant well, but it'd occurred to him how it might be taken on the way over, and if he got rid of them now, he'd feel badly because the planet and the dog weren't at fault for his attempt at sentiment.

So there he was standing at the door, cringing as he rapped it gently with his knuckles.

Tu ne mérites pas Nadia du tout.

The door opened, and she was beautiful. She was always beautiful, and the sight of her made his heart ache and soar at once. Lorne wanted terribly never to look away again, but it was like staring into the sun. His guilt, regrets, and worth all clawed at him, suffocating and threatening to steal his tongue away. He swallowed hard, as though that would do anything to banish them. He smiled, because he was happy to see her, although his hands were shaking again, face as red as if he really was peering into the face of the sun after all.

"L-like the f-first time, " he said so softly, remembering when they had looked at those plants together on their first date. It had been so - okay, not easy, but - easier than this.

He missed Nadia's arms around him. He missed a lot about her. He missed what kind of a person she made him, because he knew he was better when she was around. That had been why...

Lorne tended to the plant quickly, if clumsily, and then stepped back into the living room. He wound his hands together so painfully tightly, the whites of his knuckles showed. He didn't know what to do with himself. To sit beside her, to stand, to -

"I'm sorry, " he blurted out instead, looking down. "I - I should have mailed you, I - I really never wanted to - to hurt you. Never. I - I hate that I made you - that I did that to you, I - I'm so sorry, a-and I know that c-changes n-no-nothing, but... "

Lorne didn't exactly flinch when she took his hands, but his eyes were wide and a touch wild with panic, although more so bright with surprise and raw emotion. He hadn't known what to expect from her, especially now, but somehow it hadn't been that.

It changes something, and it was with that he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been clinging to, his head swimming from it. Although he could scarcely believe that what Nadia was telling him, in essence, was that she wanted to work through this. That despite everything, and despite Lorne being Lorne, she was angry, but not so angry that she did not want - not that he'd doubted her love, but he doubted his worth enough to think that once Lorne was too much to handle, someone as beautiful and utterly amazing as Nadia would easily be able to find someone else. Someone stronger. More capable. Someone without a stammer who flinched and blushed at every damned little thing.

He was reminded to see that flash of anger in her eyes, although this time, he didn't exactly shrink away. Lorne blinked furiously, because his face felt hotter than it should, the kind of heat that came from something more than a stupid blush, and the least he could do was not break down and cry in front of her.

"You have always been the best thing for me, " and that was the truth. "T-the best thing to ever happen to me, I-I... "

There were so many things he wanted to say, and he knew this was one of those times where he would have to say it. Nadia deserved that much from him, even if she'd claimed some degree of the blame; he knew he'd been the one to mess up.

Still. There was one thing that was most important to get across, and he could only desperately hope that he was not making a mistake as he tilted his head just enough to lay a soft, warm kiss on her lips, his chest so tight with nerves he thought it could cave in.

There was a change from the first time, at least. If she had any doubt he still cared...

Lorne really wouldn't have ever said he was amazing without her. He'd made changes, sure, but he surely wouldn't have called them amazing. Other people went through the same program he did, and surely came out of it much more easily than he had. For him, things so achingly simple could be such a daunting challenge. He was too aware of his own shortcomings, even if he at least gave himself credit for seeing it through until now.

But amazing together again, that was something that sent a thrill straight through his heart, almost too obvious on his ever expressive face.

It'd been too long since he'd known her lips, and he couldn't help the tears that pooled in his eyes. As pathetic and needy as he knew he was, he couldn't help it - he'd needed her. He'd missed her. Right now, he needed her to know how much, wrapping his arms around her, too, dragging her closer.

The problem was, and had been, that as hard as Lorne tried to be selfless, he was human. More than that, he was a human desperately in love with another human, and that could be enough to taint the most selfless martyr there was. When he'd started to feel lonely, greedy, selfish with a woman he would've wanted to give the world to given half a chance -

When she'd responded and he knew the gesture was welcome, he didn't kiss her as though he was shy and unsure. There was still a softness to it, because it was still Lorne, but this was not a recreation of their first kiss. No, there was a desperation here, a passion that they'd known as they'd grown more comfortable with each other the first time around, only now it was as if he'd been clutching at it for ages, burning brighter and hotter in his palms until this moment.

Lorne broke away from the kiss, begrudgingly, still holding onto her as he said what that kind of kiss had been trying to convey: "I missed you so much."

His fingers curled over her chest, the fabric wrinkling beneath the tips. She really hadn't forgotten about him. Lorne could feel her heart beating there the same as it had before, and he could feel the warm affection radiating from her, soothing and emboldening as the colors of her lights.

"J-just... one condition, " he breathed out, and his face was flushed; it was hard to say. But he knew he had to say it. "I don't want to... I - I can't be away from you again. I - I don't care where we are, but... j-just can you promise me?"

It was rare for Lorne to look directly into someone's eyes, but he did it then. "I love you. I want to be yours, and for you to be mine. I - I just can't be away from you again, I - my mind, i-it does things, and - "

The words couldn't have made him any happier, the affirmation that he wouldn't have to be half of a whole again in this lifetime made him smile so brightly it might as well have lit the room. Although there was one thing he needed her to know. "I - I don't mean to hold you back, I - " He leaned down to kiss her cheek, and then neck, whispering softly there, "If you wanted Russia, we would go to Russia. If you want the moon, we would go there. If it's here your heart desires, it's here we stay. I can do what I want to anywhere. A teacher is always needed. As long as you are there, I-I can be anywhere."

Maybe it's what he should have said to begin with, back then. But he hadn't wanted to impose himself, hadn't wanted to force his way into her life without being invited, and well - look where it had gotten them.

If he'd just said it from the start, maybe -

It didn't matter now. "I love you too." To kiss her was like breathing again, and even if his face flushed, he was happy. To say he'd never been happy while she was gone would be a lie, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't her. His eyes were brighter for her being in them, reflected in his smile as he let himself be led, pressing his forehead against her as he breathed, "Oui. Je vais te montrer. Et je te montrerai combien tu m'as manqué, Nadia."