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 Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2018 5:37 pm
He sat cross-legged in the park with Pasha in his lap and watched the ducks move lazily across the pond in front of him, Auguste's arms wrapped around his dog, her fluffy head resting atop his. Really, she was starting to get too big for him to keep doing this, but it helped to calm his heart whenever he was starting to have a panic attack.
Which, unfortunately, was more often than not lately.
Auguste closed his eyes, turning to bury his face into his dog's neck for a few last seconds of hold her, and then gently nudged her off of his lap and stood, brushing grass from his slacks. He looped her leash around his wrist and left the park, Pasha trotting obediently at his side, following as Auguste crossed the street into the busy downtown on the other side.
He wasn't sure where he was going. Somewhere other than where he was right now. Auguste's fingers curled a little more tightly around Pasha's leash and was just considering stepping into one of the coffee shops to get himself something to drink when a loud voice said, "Oh a dog!"
He turned his head and found a young girl standing beside Pasha, looking maybe around twelve or thirteen. She was already stretching out a hand towards Pasha, who stood silently, head tilted, but Auguste pulled her just a little away, his heart skipping a beat.
"Please don't," he said quickly. "Please - she's a service dog, see, her vest, you're not supposed to pet her - "
A look of irritation crossed the girl's face. In a sullen, bossy sort of voice she said, "There's no such thing as a service dog. I just want to pet him, that's all."
She reached out again, and Auguste took a step back, trying to quell some of the rising panic in his throat.
"Please," he said again, a slight warning note in his voice. "Please, don't - "
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Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2018 7:55 pm
Nadia had felt the need to eat in the town, rather then wallowing in her apartment still. Dishes were collecting, her apartment was messy and the woman herself was not always presentable, today though....she had. She had been walking by when she heard the distress owner of a service dog and a teenage girl before shifting.
"Sometimes we need to respect when someone says not to touch." Nadia's hand reached out and she smiled at the teenage girl, pushing her hand gently away. "They are very hard at work right now for their owners." She kept the smile before pushing herself between the white haired owner (it was like a flash of Auguste hair in her mind.) and the girl.
"Perhaps you should go to the dog park, pretty lady? There is plenty of dogs that are not working who would love attention." She waited for the teen, whether agreeable or not to leave before turning. Pale blue eyes fell on the form and her heart stuttered for a second before resetting.
"Auguste Atwell." She reached over to the young man and sweeped him into a hug, as natural as breathing air around them. "Did you need a rescue? I hope I wasn't bothering you?" She wanted to hold him so tight. "Are you okay?" Her attention turned to Pasha and she made a kissy face at the former roommate. "Hello there Pasha."
If Auguste thought he was going to get any welcome or accusations from Nadia, he was in for a treat. Unlike Lorne, Auguste had at least left a letter of his departure. Unlike Colin, Nadia knew that Auguste was going through things.
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 6:30 pm
The girl was huffily interrupted, for which Auguste was grateful, his heartbeat still going a mile a minute. There were few things nowadays that could bring about a panic attack, but people pushing boundaries with Pasha was definitely one of them; he needed her and he needed her to stay away from prying people.
He had closed his eyes against the feel of things, about to bend down and pull Pasha into his arms, Auguste taking a shaking breath, when he heard it.
Her voice. He knew that voice.
Auguste's eyes snapped open again.
It was like it had been with Lorne; a sudden and unexpected appearance completely out of the blue in the most unexpected place. Auguste stared, his pulse instantly going out of control, and for a few seconds he mouthed wordlessly at the woman standing in front of him, her dark skin and hair a mirage, a phantom.
"Na - "
The rest of his sentence was cut off, because she had thrown her arms around him, and that too was familiar. Nadia. It was Nadia, his Nadia, the Nadia he had lived with and whom he had loved with and the Nadia who had taken him quite literally off of the streets and into her home.
The Nadia he had abandoned.
The Nadia he had left.
How was she not furious at him? How was she not angry at him for leaving her? Auguste couldn't understand it, couldn't even pushed past the stunned feeling to lift his arms and embrace her back, even as Nadia leaned back to greet Pasha, whose tail wagged in eager recognition.
"What..."
Auguste's voice failed. He tried again.
"What are you - how - y-you never bother me, I..." The words weren't coming the way he wanted to, stuck in his throat, clogging up his heart. Auguste sucked in another breath, his eyes fixed on Nadia, his face paler than usual, freckles fading away practically to nothing.
"I...I...I'm sorry," he stammered. "I didn't - mean to - "
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:00 am
Nadia immediately reached out to the young man, squishing his cheeks together. She could see the nervousness on the young man, and the apology and she felt immediately cursed to be constantly apologized to by the men she loved. First Sergei, Then Lorne....now Auguste.
She was happy to not be a bother to the young man, but these past few weeks had been hard on her. Between the loss of Olga to corruption and never knowing if Lorne, Auguste or Colin had suffered the same fate? It was well....Well she knew Colin hadn't. But Auguste or Lorne?
"You didn't mean to run off on me? Leave me with nothing more then a letter and fear and wonder?" She let her hands drop, "Do you think I would hate you, despise you?"
She sighed, before frowning. "Do you think so little of me?" A small breath before she leaned over and kissed him on the cheeks, forehead and then on the mouth. "You're are mine."
She rested her forehead again.
"Would you like a meal?"
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 5:30 pm
For months now he had been trying to figure out where he stood. For months, he had been distant and closed off, not the smiling, bright eyed young man he had once been, but steadily growing into the adult that he was now. A little taller than before, a little thinner, less soft around the edges, new hardness making his face slightly more hollowed out, especially under the eyes. A strange and unfamiliar sharpness to his features that had not been there a year or two prior.
And yet Nadia's return was still capable of making him fall apart at the seams, just from this simple reappearance - though there really wasn't anything simple about it. She was all brightness and all familiarity and everything that he had once revered and adored.
His shining, beautiful big sister, for lack of a better word for her, because there had never really been any terms that could fully and accurately come to describe Auguste's feelings for those that he was closest to. They seemed to exist on a plane beyond what he was capable of describing.
Wordlessly he nodded, and then a choked sound escaped, though Nadia's hands were warm on his face. "Yes," said Auguste hoarsely. "That's - oui, that's what I thought, I - "
But she was kissing him, gentle, affectionate, and enough to make him shut up, her lips cool and soft against his face and then against his lips. And that was a part of it, too; that aching need for physical affection that Auguste had gone for a year and a half without now, that his heart craved as much as the rest of him did. It was a yearning inside of his soul he had difficulty explaining to anyone, even the Nadia, or Lorne, or Colin.
You are mine.
His heart felt like it was going to explode. Auguste's hand rose, clutched at one of Nadia's wrists and held on, his other hand still holding Pasha's leash so tightly his fingers felt numb. He turned his face into her hand and breathed in deeply, trying to steady himself.
"Yes," he said, and this time it was in answer to her last question. "That - yes."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2018 8:03 pm
"Of course you did. Not much of a externalizer of problems and questions." She sighed, "You and Lorne both. That's why you have people like Colin and myself." She hadn't seen the sunshine man in awhile but it didn't diminish the fact that he was important to their lives. He was just as much external and truthful to Lorne and Auguste as she was.
The desperate grab on her wrist almost startled her, because it always took some coaxing for him to act this way, but she had no idea what he had seen and where he had been now. She ran her hand over his hair though, gently petting him and easing as much as she could for her small brother.
"Okay." She smiled, "We can eat here, or I have some things at home if you'd prefer a more quieter setting." She reached down to pet Pasha again, "You are both welcome in the apartment, just like old times." She sharpened her gaze a bit.
"Do you have somewhere to call home right now Auguste?"
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Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 5:28 pm
It wasn't that he'd thought little of her. It was that he'd thought little of himself - and still did. He had made too many mistakes over the last few years. Had broken too many promises and shattered too many dreams. His world had crumbled around him until there was nothing left but ashes, and now he was trying to desperately rebuild what he could with just his bare hands.
He did not have Colin. He knew this, because he'd lost him already, and it had been too long. But here was Nadia in front of him, and Auguste thought his heart might stop, the fear of not wanting to lose this again starting to overwhelm him. He had tried to keep himself calm, had tried to remind himself that no one was the same anymore, but all it took was a few words and he was crumpling.
Nadia's hand was gentle as it smoothed across his hair. He closed his eyes at the touch of it, breathing out a barely audible breath, something shaky and uncertain, and then opened his eyes again, fingers still on her wrist. At his side, Pasha nudged her nose against Nadia's hand, affectionate and familiar.
The apartment. The apartment he'd left. The apartment he'd never forgotten about, but the apartment he'd abandoned. Auguste stared up at Nadia, his stomach dropping.
"No," he said quietly, and his fingers fell away from her wrist, Auguste's expression shuttering, his throat dry. "No, I...non."
He tried to remember how to put words into proper places, French to English, but the syllables were tangling up inside of his head. "I'd...I mean, we can...eat there, if you...if you want."
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2018 3:17 pm
"No you don't have a home." She smiled at him, bright and worried at the same time. "I bet you've been doing your best on your own though." She didn't want to act like he couldn't be alone, but something about the way he held himself worried her.
She took his hand gently. "I moved, and it's just a short walk away. Sort of reminds me of the first time we met." She thought to Lorne, and the way they had re-met recently as well. It was odd, she thought, how the past replayed itself.
"Come on, I have a new apartment." She nodded, "It's a bit bigger, but not with rooms. You could stay for a couple of days-" Or forever again, "and I could help you find a place of your own? Somewhere that we can hang out too."
She tugged gently at him, "What would you like to eat handsome?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:51 am
He did not have a home. He had a homeworld, which was an entirely separate thing, and something he was still getting used to. He had a place he could go to when he needed, but that was not the same as having a home that he could return to, a place he felt safe and warm and cared for and loved.
He had not had that for such a very long time. Such a painfully, achingly long time.
It mattered that he had done it to himself, he knew this, but it didn’t stop him from yearning for it, a yearning so powerful and so strong that it sometimes took Auguste’s breath away. He felt overwhelmed by the desperate desire to submerge himself into someone else’s life; to bury himself in comfort and familiarity and remind himself that he still existed and was still wanted.
Except you aren’t. Not anymore.
This is what you did to yourself. This is the punishment that you get.
His hollowed eyes traced Nadia’s face, Auguste drinking her in greedily; his sister, his family, the woman who had given him his life. He felt her fingers move, slide against his own and then wrap around them, holding with a tenderness that made his heart ache. Auguste pressed his lips together, swallowing hard.
“I was looking at dogs,” he said, and smiled, just a little, at the memory. It was a painful, partial smile, as though he had forgotten how to do that. “And you came along and asked if I wanted to live with you. I didn’t even know you.”
But he had moved in anyway, and it had been one of the best decision of his life.
Her offer now took his breath away yet again. Auguste felt a stabbing pain in his chest, eyes widening. “I...you’d - you’d let me..?” he asked hoarsely, and immediately felt pathetic for asking, for the desperate note in his voice. “You’d let me...stay with you for - for a few days?”
Pasha, sensing his distress, leaned solidly against his leg, her warmth a reminder to breathe. Auguste took a shuddering, stilted breath, trying to calm himself, willing himself to relax, to calm down, to breathe.
“Something - something simple,” he said. “Something light.”
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Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2018 11:44 am
"Isn't that how the best meetings happen?" She smiled at the white haired waif of a man next to her. Everything about him spoke of anxious nerves and it hurt a bit to think that they were not on the level with comfort again.
But if Nadia was good at one thing, it was getting comfortable with people. It just meant doing it again. A challenge of sorts to bring her brother back out of his shell. She gently took his hand and then tightened.
"Auguste I would change my world for you." She looked at him, "You are mine, and I am yours. That's how it's always been. No matter what you do to me, or I to you, My love for you will never change."
"You are always welcome to stay with me. Live with me. Whatever you need Auguste, until you want to go on your own again. I know it might be selfish but...."
She smiled weakly, "I've been lonely since I came back and no one was there. I had a friend and a my older brother, but nothing that was like you, or Lorne or Colin or Pasha or anyone."
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2018 8:28 pm
He could still remember it even now - just how much it had meant to him that she had allowed him into her home, that she had offered him his place within her life and eventually her heart. Nadia was the family that Auguste had always craved, the sister he had never known he had wanted until now. He had missed her so much it was a physical thing inside of him.
His fingers closed around hers, a tight grasp, laced together. He felt the first stirrings of a panic attack, and then they steadily began to fade, his chest shaking slightly, and leaned forward until his forehead came to rest against Nadia's, Auguste breathing in deeply, trying to allow himself just this simple thing, just this one, single thing.
He needed her. And she needed him.
It felt strange to be needed. He had not been needed in so long.
Wordlessly, Auguste tugged his hand free of hers and both of his arms slid around Nadia's neck, wrapping around it tightly. His face buried into the crook of her neck, and he held on, because there was nothing else to do but hold on and remember that he wasn't lost.
"I missed you," he mumbled. "You're mine, and I'm yours."
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