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 Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:55 pm
Amesite’s offer to help him was still at the front of his mind tonight, as it had been for a few nights now. Did the lieutenant really think he could help him to rid himself of these…of the markings?
Whisler was looking at his reflection in lake that was in his favorite park in the city. The snowflakes on his cheek gave him an almost ghostly look, and with a heavy sigh he ran his fingers through the reflection to disturb the water and just…stop it. He could get rid of them easily by doing that but…
But honestly, he was quite sure Amesite had no chance of helping him. No chance at all for bringing him back to the Negaverse. He was trapped here.
Drawing his knees to his chest, Whisler buried his face against them, his mind drifting to the one person he really didn’t want to think about. The person he never wanted to think ******** Ashanite.
He hadn’t seen or heard anything from the General since January, and one nasty part of him just hoped he was dead or something. Or at least disfigured so he wasn’t so damn attractive. A big part of him hoped he was miserable for breaking his heart, but there was a fat chance of that. He had been so…so angry when that had happened, but now…now there was no anger, just a deep, deep hurt that nobody could really touch. Not Arias, not Virell…Amesite was closest, he at least…he at least felt right.
God, it was so disgusting that only chaos felt right. Why was he so ******** messed up?
If he could go back and throttle whoever it was that convinced him to purify, he would have done so happily. He didn’t even care that there was a General nearby.
Let them come. He’d either end up dead tonight, or they would end up dead.
Or, who even knew.
It didn’t matter.
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 9:23 pm
Ashanite hated the crawling, too-pure feeling of Transcended auras. It made him sick, the way a child might feel after eating too much candy; it also made him angry because it dragged back memories of Whisler suddenly aglow and of his own bright markings in that nightmare future he'd seen. The one he'd made so very many choices for the sole purpose of averting.
He tried to ignore how thinking of Whisler made his chest hurt, and shoved the crawling feeling of cold, agonizing loss away to instead grasp at the anger and betrayal he still felt over the whole damned thing. This was a Transcended. They couldn't be converted; therefore he could kill one with impunity.
So he stormed over with murder in his heart, because this poor anonymous Transcended was going to pay the price of being on the wrong end of his roiling emotions. Too bad for them, really.
Except -- no. It couldn't be. That was too ******** much.
Blond hair, purple and blue uniform, the bright glitter of a star-spangled cloak...
Yes. That was Whisler. The very person he most and least wanted to see.
"Well. Look what the cat dragged in," he said, dryly. "You look absolutely terrible. Swearing yourself to Order not working out as well as you thought it would, darling?" He spat the endearment like a curse.
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 9:34 pm
Whisler didn’t outwardly react to the voice, other than closing his eyes and counting to ten a few times. He made sure not to show any signs of surprise…or delight…or anything, but when he heard Ashanite speak, he knew who it was from the first syllable, his blood ran cold for a moment, then ran hot as thoughts of the General overtook him, and for a moment, anger at him swelled once again.
How dare he.
How dare he just show up again and start taunting Whisler. Calling him darling. Like he didn’t already have a big enough knife in his chest when he thought about the other male. Like he wasn’t kept up at least once a week thinking about him. Yearning for him. Wishing they could just be together.
It was too much.
Finally, after a solid half a minute, the blonde knight stood up and drew in a long breath, arranging his face into the most charming smile that he could muster. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist me for too long, Ashanite. I look fine, don’t lie to me, you know you can’t resist this body of mine.” It was so easy to pretend nothing was wrong. To lie through his teeth.
After all, Ashanite only lied, right? So why shouldn’t Whisler learn from him.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 11:09 am
Ashanite let the silence stretch, and he wanted it to feel like a triumph. To know that he had, in some small way, won by leaving Whisler apparently struggling for words.
It really did not feel like a victory.
Still, he met Whisler's smile with one of his own, with a slightly sardonic edge to it. He wanted this to be more fun than it was, he wanted to feel like he was lording his success over a pawn he had successfully used and discarded, but...well. No. That wasn't what Whisler was.
Unfortunately.
"Don't flatter yourself," Ashanite said dryly. "I came looking for a Transcended to kill, and I'm still deciding if you would make a good corpse."
That would, certainly, end the problem.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:33 pm
Whisler felt his heart breaking all over again and his smile very nearly fell. Drawing in a breath, Whisler pushed the smile more firmly onto his face, taking a few paces towards Ashanite and spreading his arms wide. “You want me dead, sweetheart? Fine. Do it if you think you can. I don’t really give much of a damn anymore.” Living isn’t worth much without you.
“So is that really the stance in the Negaverse now, hm? Kill all of the things that aren’t useful to you? No trying to work on making them useful? You see, I’ve met someone from your little club who claims to want to help me break my transcendance. It’s nice to know that at least someone from your shitty side gives a damn about actually utilizing your enemies. The knowledge and power that could be gained from breaking transcendance...It’s such a shame you weren’t motivated enough to try to help me when I asked.”
The knight flipped his hair, the crystals clinking merrily. “Such a pity. But. If you want to kill me. Just try, Ashanite. Just try.”
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 8:55 pm
Ashanite tilted his head to the side.
"Well, that's no fun," he said. There it was, exactly why this didn't feel like a victory - Whisler wasn't fighting. You couldn't win against someone who laid down and accepted defeat. That wasn't a contest, it was a curbstomp.
He began slowly pacing around Whisler, shaking his head as he went.
"And why should I trust you at all?" He asked. "I tried to, once, and look at where that got us. I hope whatever fool you've roped into helping you is well and prepared for disappointment." There was no reason to get his hopes up. No reason to assume Whisler really was serious. He'd hung onto all that before, had let himself get roped into the fantasy that they could be something. But...no.
"You made your choice, Whisler. I'm plenty willing to utilize my enemies when they're useful, and I gave you every opportunity to be, but instead..." He sighed, dramatically. "You chose Order. You chose the easier, gentler path, rather than coming back home to Chaos. To me. And I fail to see why I should let you string me along a second time."
He was revealing too much. Opening himself up far too much. But there was no stopping it, not anymore.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 10:42 pm
“Are you afraid to stand still, lover of mine?” Whisler said softly, mockingly. “Are you afraid that if you stop moving you’ll wind up in my arms, cradled against my chest and then we’ll never move on from this? Or are you just trying to find the best angle to slice me apart. Regardless, I don’t get much time to look at you, so I would appreciate if you would just stay in my line of sight so I can drink you in while I have the chance.”
He paused. “Or should I say, former lover of mine. Since, you decided we shouldn’t continue our love affair.” Finally the pain and bitterness crept into Whisler’s voice, and though he tried to push it away again, it stayed. “You didn’t even want to give me another chance. I didn’t know what I was getting in to. I didn’t mean to choose this. And you…you played me for a fool too. Don’t think you’re innocent in any of this. You who pretended they were after you. Pretended you wanted to stay on the side of order…I would have given my life to bring you home, but you were just—“
The knight closed his eyes, hands balled into fists, his whole body trembling from anger, longing and a slew of other emotions that he didn’t want to think about right now.
“I could have forgiven you for anything. But breaking my heart like you did. I refuse. I don’t think…” Another pause. Who was he kidding. He would forgive him if Ashanite only asked. He would do just about anything if Ashanite only asked.
But he wouldn’t ask.
Not anymore. Whisler was quite sure of that. “You really should just kill me. It would save me the pain of not having you.” The words were hardly a whisper, but he knew they would carry enough. He knew that the general would hear them.
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Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 11:37 am
Ashanite laughed. He shouldn't have, but he laughed.
"Are you sure I'm the one who needs to worry about not being able to resist you??" He asked, stopping in his prowl and calling up his weapon so he could lean his weight on it. It made, he hoped, for an intimidating picture of sorts, though it really was unfortunate that he knew well enough that actually killing Whisler was far outside what he was capable of.
Still, he could pretend. He was good at that.
"The funny thing is, I was pretending for them, too - Xenotime and Umber and all the rest really did think I was a disloyal s**t of a Captain; Laurelite was the only one who ever knew." This was more than he'd disclosed to anyone. What about Whisler made him so goddamn honest he didn't know, but it was happening regardless of what he wanted. "So I really was in some danger, entirely of my own making." He shrugged his shoulders. "You are right that I was pretending about wanting to go back, though. I made that choice practically the moment I became a Page - and I still think Order is weak, and sad, and doomed to defeat."
It was tragic, then, that someone he wanted so desperately to see safe - someone he wanted so desperately in general - was trapped with them.
He dismissed his weapon, and took a step closer to Whisler.
"That's something I can't do for you, and I think you know that," he admitted. "But there's only so much else I can do to help you."
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Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 11:47 am
The laughter cut. For a moment, Whisler was again overcome with anger and hurt, and when Ashanite summoned his weapon, he had the worst urge to throw himself on the blade just to stop hurting. He wanted to cry and rage and hurt Ashanite, make him hurt like he was making Whisler hurt, and it wasn’t fair.
“Is that supposed to make me feel bad for you?” His voice was hoarse and he tried to clear his throat, to push back the tears that were threatening to leave his eyes. “Is the fact that you were all alone, pretending you were some sort of poor traitor, pretending that…God. You know. It does make me feel bad for you. You can’t let anyone in, can you, Ashanite? Even now I guess nobody really knows you…and I’m sure you don’t even know yourself…how could you, with all the lies you tell. What’s the truth for you, lover?”
He finally wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, the glow from his transcended markings faintly visible through his eyelids.
Disgusting.
“I would stay order for you. If you wanted to come home. I would…I would try to break this stupid transcendence for you. I don’t care. I’ll kill a senshi, crush a starseed, I don’t care. I don’t…” His shoulders slumped and all bravado fell away, leaving nothing but a look of longing and pain on Whislers face as his eyes met Ashanites. “I just don’t care.”
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Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:55 pm
Ashanite rankled for a moment. Make Whisler feel bad for him. As if he was some pathetic mess desperate for pity. No, that was not the point.
"It's not supposed to make you feel anything," he snapped, "only to give you a fuller understanding of the facts." He took a long, slow breath, trying to force himself not to be so angry. It wouldn't get him anywhere, and it was just another completely unacceptable display of weakness in a long series of unacceptable displays of weakness.
"Truth is a bullshit concept anyway. Truth is entirely what you make of it. I'm a hundred different people, darling, and every single one of them is just as real." Or just as wholly unreal, really. Damian Howe was just as fake as every false face Ashanite presented. That was the truth of it. There was no truth to him, just more and more masks.
And yet his hands itched to reach out and gather Whisler into his arms, to promise to find a way to break him free.
"Order isn't home. Not for me. But if you want to come home, perhaps we can start getting creative. I'd like to break the chains binding you to your Wonder, Whisler. So if you really want your freedom..." He opened his arms, a blatant invitation. "I think I'd like to have you back. If...you'll let me."
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Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:30 pm
Whisler opened his mouth to protest, to make a comment that it was utterly unfair for Ashanite to get an attitude with him…but finally he closed it, watching the darker haired male, a frown in the place of his normal easy going smile. And for now, for the moment at least, Whisler was starting to wonder if he’d ever find a reason to smile again. He listened through to the end of the General’s speech and finally just shook his head, sighing. “I don’t trust you, Ashanite. You’ve warned me a dozen times over not to trust you, told me you lie and lie and lie…and why would you actually be trying to help me this time? It doesn’t make sense, when the last time we spoke I asked you, I begged you to help me find a way back to the Negaverse, and you laughed at me. Called me pathetic, if I recall correctly.”
Of course he recalled correctly. The scene played through his head on those rare nights when he went to bed alone, and it was horrible.
The sinking feeling in his stomach when he realized he had lost him. The sense of pain and panic and desperation to do something to get him back. Anything to get him back.
“Why would you suddenly change your spots now? What are you gaining from this? I don’t want to be your little pawn. I want someone who wants to help me for the sake of helping me…but you know what. Whatever.” He eyed Ashanite’s open arms and the longing was clear on his face. “This isn’t fair. I’m tired of being your puppet. Why am I not good enough for you? Why do I have to be the one to change for you…” His voice broke again and he rooted his feet to where he stood, though his eyes continued to sweep the General’s body.
“It’s not fair.”
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Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 12:17 am
Ashanite shrugged his shoulders and dropped his arms. "Well. I'm, glad some of what I've said stuck, then," he said, and he shoved down whatever hurt he might be feeling, because it wasn't even like Whisler was wrong. He was wearing warning sings like the bright colors of a poisonous frog, really. "I was hurting, and angry, and I lashed out at you. But I'm not owed your forgiveness, if you don't want to give it." It was as close to an apology as he was willing to give.
So, so very much vulnerability. All of it wasted. Oh well.
"Why am I -- because I care about you, you absolute fool." Too much too much, but Ashanite wasn't ready to wheel it back in. "I care about you so much more than I have ever wanted to, and it is an eternal source of frustration for me. Is that what you wanted to hear? Because there it is. For all the posturing, for all the lies, for all the trying to bury it - I care for you. And I don't want a puppet, Whisler. I could have all the puppets in the world with significantly less effort, really." He reached up and pushed his bangs out of his face, clearly frustrated. "I want to stop playing Romeo and Juliet. Because I'm not sure if you're familiar, but that play ends with six people dead, including our young lovers. For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."
He turned away.
"I already told you, I made my choice. And you've said you didn't choose this," he gestured behind him, a general indication of Whisler's overall state, "so I suppose it's your turn to make yours. If the only way you'll have me is if I purify for you, then that's it. We part ways here, because I'll die before I give myself back to that. They tortured me. I'm not bending knee to one of their ******** princesses after that." He spat, venom clear in his voice. "Maybe before one of your fellow Knights took it upon himself to break me, but not now. Not after." He fell silent for a breath.
"The choice is yours."
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Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:00 am
Whisler watched as the open arms dropped again, watched as Ashanite turned away after admitting that he cared for Whisler…really cared for him…and it didn’t sound like a lie.
Didn’t feel like a lie.
The wheels in the knights head were turning but there was no coherent thoughts, and the only feelings he had right now was an aching desperation to get back into the General’s arms. The arms that weren’t open anymore. Again. Because he was an absolute pathetic fool.
He couldn’t find any words to say, nothing that was of any consequence, and crossed the distance between himself and the General, pressing close to his back, one hand gripping the fabric of his cape tightly, the other snaking around his front, thumb trailing over his bare chest. “And…I want to be with you. I told you it doesn’t matter how…but…but Ashanite…” His voice broke and Whisler took a moment to press his face against Ashanite’s neck, savoring the feeling. “What if it doesn’t work? What if…what if I can’t be saved…Is that it? Will I lose you forever…? If…if we can’t figure out how to bring me back…would you just…consider? I’ll go and ******** kill everyone who hurt you, you know that I promised you that when…”
Whisler drew in another breath. He was talking to fast. “I choose you…that’s not my issue. M-my issue is will you choose me too…if we can’t fix me…if I’m stuck like this forever…would you consider…consider coming back to be with me? I know it’s a repugnant idea but…but if it’s all we have, Ashanite…”
His voice trailed off and he closed his eyes, thumb still tracing along his chest. “It’s not my first choice…I want to come home…but if I really ******** myself up so badly…I…” Whisler shrugged and while he felt as though he was on the verge of tears again, being so close to Ashanite felt good. It steadied him. “I love you.”
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Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:48 pm
Ashanite had, were he being honest, half-expected Whisler to walk away.
But there was a warm body pressed against his back, and arms around him, and...this was much better than he'd hoped. And it didn't feel like a victory, because this wasn't a game anymore - he wasn't trying to win. He just wanted Whisler.
"There's always a way out, Whisler. No contract is unbreakable." Surely, surely. They had to be able to do something. "But...yes. If we find that there is absolutely no way...I'll. Consider it." If anything could make him go back, apparently, it was this man he loved. "If there is no other choice, then yes. For you."
It was only fair that he offered as much as he got. But he was certain they would be able to free Whisler from his prison on the side of Order - and then he would be Chaos and safe. It was the best option, far better than staying with Order and being hunted as traitors together - Ashanite was entirely certain he could protect a recorrupted Whisler from Order-side reprisal, but the idea of the Negaverse coming after both of them...
No. But he would risk it, if it was the only way.
"I love you, too."
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