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 Posted: Thu May 18, 2017 1:33 pm
Rodney was, in general, sensitive to things. Whether they were wrong, or right, the general mood or aura of a person, or even a room or environment. It had always been like that. But he had felt so stricken and upset when he was in the house that it felt like everything was wrong.
Taking a vacation away from everything, he'd finally been able to relax, but coming back the house's mood hadn't changed. Everything that had once been a friendly and quiet sanctuary felt oppressive, and Melvin was here all the time, and all of his weak moments where it collapsed on him and he felt buried in it and found himself crying, Lawrence often only seemed annoyed by it, and it wasn't a time when he felt like answering Melvin's many and personal questions, so he tried to keep his weaknesses to himself.
He did not sleep much. He looked and felt tired. He had not gone back to H for another time, past his initial visit to the office when he found it empty.
He had meant, in spite of everything, to see if H could had any use for the strange item, and if he might use it to cover some of Lawrence's debt. But H hadn't been there. And he still had the apple with him. So he had been preoccupied, and missed some things, and Lawrence had been getting weaker and more distracted without Rodney knowing why.
He knew it wasn't guilt.
Lawrence hadn't even felt like what he had done was wrong. If he had, Melvin wouldn't be here. He wouldn't have done it in the first place. Lawrence just hadn't liked Rodney leaving. So, they were both not feeling well, but at least Rodney could shut himself in his studio and feel that space, at least, was separate from the rest of the house. He welcomed Lawrence warmly and gently when he was working, but should Melvin knock he got a much more prickly reception.
But something was wrong.
So, when they had the house to themselves, Rodney found Lawrence, and found Lawrence's hand with his, and asked him if he had been feeling alright.
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Posted: Thu May 18, 2017 1:50 pm
Lawrence had been hoping that having Rodney back would make the house a bright home again. He'd been expecting that things would go back to how they were before.
They hadn't.
There was something wrong with Rodney, something different he couldn't place, he responded openly to amicable approaches but he felt as if something important and impossible to place was off-limits to him. It was distressing and he didn't understand so he simply kept trying to re-instate normalcy, pacing the daily tread of domesticity as if wearing it like a groove into the floor would somehow bring it back.
But something was wrong and he couldn't relax.
In the end it resulted in him working extra hard, making food for people and leaving it for them with none or very little for him and obsessively cleaning the spaces of the house. He should have stopped, he knew, he should have stopped whatever this was when Rodney came back, but things weren't okay and it was easier to ignore when there was something else there to hone in on, the deep gnawing nag of hunger somehow vindicating. There were times in the day when he wished he could just turn to the other man and ask what else he wanted from him, to say that day by day he gave more and more of himself up in pursuit of forgiveness that didn't seem to be forthcoming.
He'd started to find it harder to summon and to find himself taking unscheduled naps during the day. Sometimes he felt further away than usual, and that was all right because he didn't need to think.
It mainly became an issue when it started to mess with things in the bedroom and when Mikael started to challenge him about all the things he wasn't actually eating.
When Rodney finally took his hand he had come to realise himself that something was wrong, that what had been a tool and a weapon at first was now an uncontrolled fire that he once again could not put out.
"No." he said very quietly and squeezed the other man's hand. "No I don't think that I have."
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 9:14 am
"No. I thought...maybe you weren't feeling very well. I haven't been either," Rodney said softly.
"What's the matter?"
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 9:21 am
Lawrence froze up at the prospect of trying to put his situation into words.
"...nothing.." he said tersely.
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 9:38 am
"Just...just not- feeling well, then," Rodney said. "You've...seemed less angry at me, anyway. Than you were before everything- happened. Are you...happier? With, Melvin in the house again."
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 9:40 am
"I'm not angry at you." he said. "At all. I'm not happier because you aren't happy. Even I can see it, and I'm not good at seeing how people are feeling."
He took a deep breath. "I'm not sick." he said.
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 10:05 am
"I've been miserable," Rodney said, "But Melvin said he won't...compromise on being here and you've- made it clear you won't either. So. I- don't even know what anyone's been talking about. W-with all that. They...all decided to leave. Nobody got kicked out in the first place. J-just- like I did- I...wasn't kicked out either."
Rodney shook his head.
"S-sorry, all that- that doesn't matter. Then...what's been wrong?"
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 10:21 am
"I don't know what to do about you and Melvin. I don't understand why you can't just ignore him if he bothers you. I can't understand why people need to assert territory on one another."
There was a long moment where Lawrence gave Rodney a slightly hollow hunted sort of look. It was something that was so large and so difficult to explain, something he wasn't sure he even could if he had to. He didn't know what to say and had been somehow relying on the fact that Rodney could tell, that surely he of all people would have noticed. "I.. It's probably nothing." he said, looking tired and hopeless.
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 10:33 am
"I'll try," Rodney said, just as hopeless about that solution.
"Is there...a reason you haven't- been eating, I mean. Or, just- because I've been- I'm sorry, if that's how it is. I'll...keep it to myself. I've been trying not to bother you, or anyone, about it."
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 10:39 am
Lawrence looked at the floor.
"I don't know." he said. "At first I think it was just, something to do while you weren't here. I couldn't make you come back, so I controlled something else. It made me feel like I was moving forward, like it was progress. Whenever my life feels like it's...slipping somehow I feel this need to pull it back in. It was filling a void with another"
He clenched his hand a little tighter. "I keep saying it is something I can stop, just a temporary vice. I am in control. It just doesn't stop. I can't make you happy, I can't find a resolution, the whole situation is my fault. It feels logical and right that there is some sort of punishment involved."
He wanted to get angry again, to say of course it would bother him that Rodney was sad, that his wellbeing mattered so it would no matter what, but he was so low on energy and weary that he didn't have the effort in him to launch into that argument.
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 11:17 am
"You...fix it by being loyal. And...k-keeping your word from here on. The rest is just...time. Everything won't be the same as it was right away. I know in the past you've used...distance, with problems, but- time is another kind of distance. It just- doesn't happen right away. But...you stay with that person, instead. You...don't have to hurt yourself. J-just- be kind, like- you have been.
And I know- you've been trying h-hard, with- fixing the house, and everything else. I...I do appreciate it. I appreciate you."
Rodney held on to Lawrence's hand back.
"It's...it's like having a wound. Even if you do all the right things, to make sure it heals the right way and doesn't get infected, you- can't make it heal faster. M-more bandages won't do that, or- you...giving yourself a wound. It's j-just there. It's just...time."
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 11:28 am
Lawrence didn't look entirely certain at this news, not sure how much longer he could continue like this. For Rodney it was just time, but for him every moment was for ever, every instant a new set of choices and decisions. He could be patient with some things, other things became an endless torment. He wanted to fix this and yet it seemed there was no quick way to do it or to know if Rodney was just saying this to try and stop him from the path he was on and placate him without losing what he was stuck with.
Metaphors were difficult for him, and yet they were a big favourite of Rodney's.
"But we are hunters." he said.
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 11:38 am
"We...heal a little faster. But- we all have scars. This- for me, it all just-
feels like a big wound. It all still hurts. But I- love you and I want to be with you. I'm- I'm trying too. I don't want you sent, somewhere else. Or, to be...hurting yourself. And you're- my husband. How...how can I help?"
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 12:10 pm
Lawrence nodded but seemed a little defeated by the idea of being a wound. He couldn't process the idea of having inflicted one because he hadn't. Rodney was physically fine, all he could think of was that Rodney was saying him being there was ultimately hurting him. He wasn't sure what to do with that, he didn't actually want to lose Rodney, or leave either.
"I don't know." he said. "Maybe it's fine."
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2017 12:16 pm
"It's...you know it's not fine. It...puts you in danger, and- everyone that relies on you, too. If- Mikael or Malkam got in trouble, or...or me, you wouldn't be able to help. M-much less if you- were in danger- and lately you've- had less energy, too. Which- that's okay, but- I want you to be okay."
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