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 Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 3:50 pm
He left Lawr resting on their bed, packed his bag, gave him a soft kiss he would never realize on his forehead, and headed down the hall. Melody already knew, and Melvin couldn't bring himself to talk to Rodney that he was leaving right now. Instead, he passed by Mik's door and knocked before testing to see if he was home - he wasn't.
While he could wait, right now felt like the best chance to leave, and he had texted Jordan that he was heading over. It would be rude to let him wait around to let him in. Melody and Lawr would tell him.
Leaving the house, he locked the door and headed down the path through towards back to the Deus main facility.
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 9:59 am
Things had been weird in the library, really really weird, but on the whole Mikael wasn’t lastingly bothered by any of it. He told stories all the time and enjoyed creativity most of all so a chance to see himself featured in fascinating worlds was simply a fun thing to him, even when the results had been scary he hadn’t carried any of it forward with him. Fiction was his favourite thing there was. When he got back to the island, he didn’t rush for a shower or to rest, instead he simply dropped back into his routine easily, going for a walk.
If he was honest with himself, he wished that he was back in the library rather than out here in the world again. There nothing had been real, it had all been imaginary, a fantasy life he could have really lived forever given half a chance. Melvin hadn’t been talking to him and he didn’t know why, they’d been getting along really well he thought and he’d done everything he could to impress the older man he’d still apparently decided in the end he wasn’t worth being friends with.
He tried not to think about it too much, he was bored of crying about ridiculous things.
When he spotted Melvin it was mostly curiosity that led him over to him, wondering exactly why he had a bag with him. He sauntered up alongside him and spoke.
"Are you going somewhere?" he asked, but almost expected Melvin to ignore him.
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 10:46 am
He spotted Mik at the trail and wondered if he'd say anything, but seeing as he was leaving for a bit it was best not to leave him in the dark. As Mik moved beside him, he adjusted the strap to his bag.
"I'm going to stay at Jordan's for a few days. You weren't home so I didn't have a chance to tell you. You can still text me if you need me for anything."
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 10:53 am
Mik stopped in his tracks, looking stricken and upset in a way he couldn't control.
"Is it because of me?" he asked.
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 11:09 am
He hadn't expected Mik to jump to the conclusion that it was him and he was startled for a moment. "No. It's your father and Rodney. I need some time to deal with it. Figure myself out."
He frowned. "Sorry you think I leave because of what happened."
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:58 pm
Mik still hovered looking unconvinced by Melvin's comment about it being entirely about Rodney and Lawr. His posture slumped a bit more.
"It probably has something to do with it anyway." He looked hopelessly away, rubbing an arm. "Is it because I'm his son?" Was it because he looked like Lawrence? Was he a grim memory, just a reminder?
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:26 am
"This isn't just about me leaving, is it?" He asked.
Frowning, he set his bag down to give his shoulder a break.
"Didn't you just want a quick thing anyways?" Why was he hung up on him then?
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:31 am
"It's fine if you want to leave." he said, and found himself on the very edge of tears and ignoring the desire to give in to it. "I'm just sorry if I helped. I like you. I'll miss you."
He looked away at the question of a quick thing. Had he wanted a quick thing? He couldn't remember saying anything like that, but if he'd misunderstood it was up to him to shrug it off. The hopeless wide eyed look transformed into a big easy going smile in an instant and he shrugged. "Yeah, sure. That was all I wanted, I was just kidding you ha ha ha. I just wanted some cute times."
It was scary how convincing the shift was.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:42 am
He went rigid when he saw Mik flip from looking crushed to smiling.
"Don't do that. It's startling. Don't smile at me like that."
It felt startling and he felt a deep sense of pain in someone trying to play fake around him. It was hard enough dealing with it with Lawr but seeing it in Mik was upsetting.
"You didn't help with me leaving. I am just in a very bad place right now and being in the house is only going to make it worse. I'm not strong enough right now to deal with it. I'm doing it for my own sanity until I'm in a good enough place to come back."
He stepped closer. "I'm sorry if that time hurt you. I let myself get taken away in the moment."
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:59 am
The smile faltered as he was called out on it, not even really having realised that he had done it at all. He exhaled and looked as if he wasn't sure what he was allowed to feel or how to act. "It's ok." he said. And it was ok, people could do whatever they wanted, that had never had anything to do with him, he didn't exist, barely existed. The world went on round about him as if he wasn't there and that was fine and the way things should always happen.
"It didn't hurt me, it was nice." he said. "Really nice. I just.." and the smile faltered again and just as quickly as he'd been brightly smiling he seemed to crumble into tears, covering his face as if shocked and ashamed that he'd been unable to keep it under control.
"I just. You stopped. Helping me. And talking to me. Everyone always does that, I thought now that I was clean and tidy again, that I was being very good that it would be different, but it wasn't."
He looked up at Melvin, genuinely pleading.
"What is wrong with me?"
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 6:12 am
And it was in that moment Melvin knew he done ******** up.
"Oh Mik, no." He said, closing the gap to hug him. If he was pushed, he'd understand.
"There isn't anything wrong with you. You are taking all the blame on yourself when it isn't."
He gave him a little squeeze to somehow convey what he meant.
"I just - it's more me than anything else. I was on the rebound and upset and you were cute and I wanted to stop overthinking things and be as selfish as I felt everyone around me was being. But when I looked back I knew that wasn't right for you or me and i'd just wind up hurting you one way or another. I can't offer you anything, Mik. And we'll, if anything happened more than what we did.....one of us probably would get our lives destroyed in one way." He didn't say how.
He didn't know what Lawr would do or how badly he would react but any reaction would be bad.
He pulled back slightly. "I....wanted to make distance so it would...make room for other people......better people."
He took a breath.
"I...also wasn't sure how to handle everything....or anything. I still don't. I don't know how to do or feel anything right now."
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 6:24 am
Mikael didn't push him away but instead held him closer, too desperate for human contact and love to ever reject any semblance of it when it was offered to him. He just sobbed for a bit, overcome by emotion he'd tightly chained up inside him as a weakness and something that would inconvenience other people. He didn't want to hurt people around him with his own needs and wants and never had.
He had just been a rebound, it hadn't been because Melvin liked him or wanted anything to do with him, he'd just been a selfish choice, someone to mess around. His excuses about destroying each others lives, not having anything to offer, making space for other people, all of them just sounded like things Lawrence would say. I wasn't there to be your dad because I didn't think I could do it, I wanted to be there, you are lucky I wasn't. All of it was just self indulgent lies, ways of softening the basic statement which was that he wasn't what they wanted, he wasn't good enough, he was just baggage.
He thought he'd had a friend but apparently Melvin had just been horny.
Letting go when Melvin pulled back, he stepped back himself, his hands shaking slightly at his chest. "I'm sorry." he said. "I'm sorry, you are yeah. Probably upset. I'm sorry I made it worse, I only wanted to help. I just wanted a friend."
And he knew in his heart of hearts that it would go the same way in the end with his brother too. There was something wrong with him, some seed of something evil in the very heart of him, there had to be, it was why people always left and why they wouldn't treat him like a person for very long.
"I'll leave you alone." he said weakly.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 6:42 am
He reached out and gripped his wrist, starting back at him with a hurt and pain that he had no idea how to change or fix.
"I don't want you to leave me alone. I still want to be there for you. I just... "
His grip faulterrd and he let go.
"I've had people try and help before. Do what's best for me or do what's in my best interest and each time it - they just turned back on it. I don't want someone who is just doing something....lying to me.....being fake to me.....someone else that isnt even them.......only to turn around and say I was the reason they did it when I never asked them to be that person in the first place. I can't do it anymore. I've lost myself so much now keeping that up. I don't even know what's left of me.....You shouldn't take blame when I'm just a mess of a person dealing with s**t with no compass right now. "
"It's not like I even am making smart decisions, ******** - I stayed with your dad for years - ******** YEARS when I know he hurts people and lied to me at every turn even about my dead girlfriend. Do I sound like the kind of person who makes sane decisions about relationships?! Do I sound like I can handle myself when all I do is let myself be garbage?! Do -"
He had to stop as he felt the surge of it all rise in him and covered his mouth with one hand.
The duffel bag sat there beside him.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 12:25 pm
Mik sadly looked at Melvin and didn't know what to say either. He finally settled on.
"You think I'm a liar?" Because that was what he'd said right? That he didn't want someone who was a liar. Was it because he was Lawrence's son? Was it just inevitable that one day he'd be like his dad was? Even if he didn't want to?
"I'm sorry." He was just sorry for everything, for giving the impression he was somehow a liar, for taking advantage of someone who didn't feel like they were able to make decisions, someone who hadn't wanted to deal with him.
"You didn't hurt me then." he said. "Everything you did with me was nice, I enjoyed learning things, you showed me things dad never could have. You aren't selfish, you are kind and that's why he wanted you probably, he likes kind people. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you."
He sniffled. "I'll just miss you, is all."
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 1:31 pm
He wasn't sure if he was going to cry or throw up, and he removed his hand, testing himself.
After a few swallows, he answered.
"I'm not sure if you intend to do it, but you smile when you don't want to. That's a lie. Your dad does that - putting on a face. It worries me when you do it."
And it worries him that Mik knew how.
Was he being manipulated now? Was any of this he saw real?
"I liked those times. It was nice...and it made me very happy. I haven't gone out like that in a while. I didn't go out like that for a while. I was glad to spend that time with you. To make you look as good as you do without hiding it under everything. Making you polish. I want you to glow and have the best chances at life."
He took deep breathes.
"I'm still here....you just need to call me."
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