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Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 11:52 am
Thorne decides quickly that it's impossible for him to go out during the day. He doesn't tell anyone, but he doesn't have to. It's not really for them to know, anyways. At night, when everything gets too loud in his head and too quiet everywhere else, he goes on walks or runs until the fire burns out in his lungs and he can't breathe but it's better than the alternative.
Tonight, somehow, he ends up at Darlenes.
Thorne knows that drinks and pills aren't enough to stave anything off. Nightmares come whether he's asleep or not, and driving a car until the speedometer runs its limit on highways going nowhere only clears his head for so long.
Still, the shots numb his throat, and the buzz breaks apart the crowded jumble of thoughts in his head.
His phone is glowing next to him at the bar counter. He's dressed unassumingly, in a faded white henley and jeans that the washer machine has shrunken ruthlessly. The black jacket slips off of one shoulder. If he's a mess, he doesn't care.
His unread messages glare up at him from the screen, but Thorne hasn't answered any of them in days. Company might be appreciated, but he can't bring himself to tie another person down.
Company might be appreciated. And here in a bar in the middle of the night, maybe he'll find some. After all, what was it someone had said to him once? Drinking alone was never quite as fun.
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Posted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 12:57 am
It was a rare night that Jeremiah was out this late but he had, after all the time off for his medical leave, had to put in at least one dark thirty shift. It helped clean up his desk at least (though that place on his desk where it was scorched with his hand print forever stayed covered). The only reason he was stopping at the bar was because he had said he would pick up their usual from Darlene's. The usual was the restock to their liquor cabinet that they had been going through a bit faster than normal. These late hours did not do Jeremiah any favors, not with the quiet. Not with how his mind continued to turn everything over and look for something, anything that would give him a clue where to- "Thorne?" he found himself saying before he could stop himself. The younger man was there, at the bar, and right next to Jeremiah's preferred seat (you could tell it was his because there was still a small vibe of hellbine wrapped around one leg). His head tilted lightly in greeting, Jeremiah claiming his favored stool and waving at the bartender so they would come by next. He had texted a couple times, of course, just checking in. The same had been done with Chris but- "What's the poison of the evening?" he asked, instead of the usual greeting. There was no need to say 'it's good to see you' or 'how are you doing'. It's obvious and Jeremiah is not that person.
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Posted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 4:35 pm
Thorne blinked when a voice came from beside him. It was achingly familiar, and his eyes flared to Jeremiah with minute surprise before he clicked his tongue at the other, straightening a little bit in his seat. The buzz of earlier drinks had dissolved into the pit of his belly, the heat now barely murmuring against his back.
He wasn't drunk enough to be extraordinarily clumsy, and even only half-sober, he was sharp in his movements. Jagged, like he was still reacquainting himself with a concept of agency. That this body was his.
"I think it's vodka," Thorne said, glancing down at the tumbler, and frowning. "No, that was earlier. Scotch?" He hissed, a soft dark syllable. "It tastes like whatever my father used to drink before a bad night at home. I guess I was feeling nostalgic." There was a wry joke there, a burning contempt. But it fettered out, and Thorne glanced at Jeremiah. "What poison would you suggest?"
He tilted the tumbler around in his hand, his other arm crossed over the bar counter. With a grimace, he took another biting sip, exhaling sharply.
He didn't speak again for a long time. The minutes ticked by, but Thorne hardly seemed aware of them. But he hadn't forgotten Jeremiah, and after the silence scratched enough against his skin, he turned his eyes to the other.
"She's alive, isn't she?" He asked, his voice unknowable. His eyes were brighter here and now in the half-light of the bar. There was something cutting about them. He was unwound, but Jeremiah's presence steadied him. He tilted his head at the other, eyes half-lidded.
"She's here, right?"
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 2:35 am
Jeremiah's lips pressed to a thin line at the mention of fathers and drinks. "I would suggest not drinking anything that reminds one of their father but considering-" There was a roll of his shoulders, not just an attempt at easing the ache that never left but to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling. That other ashdown and it's residents knew him far better than he liked. "Whisky, if you haven't had any yet. Borr's got a special bottle he keeps tucked away for when I'm in a mood," he finally huffed out instead, leaning against the bar and looking over the younger man. The bartender eventually made it over and Jeremiah did get that bottle of whisky brought over along with two glasses. The silence is fine because he is pouring them both a drink. In this kind of lighting, his eyes sometimes catch the light and they're not at all human anymore, not with the way they reflect light back and glow. It was a change Thorne probably missed but judging by the other's appearance- There were changes there too. He is silent for a beat, taking a drink from the tumbler before he finally answered. "She is," he said, rolling the empty glass between his hands because he downed the entire contents, "but not for lack of looking for her or trying. Kuroda apparently tried to finish the job but someone stopped the blade and got her out."
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 6:11 pm
Thorne glanced at Jeremiah, eyes sharp and considering.
"Fair enough," Thorne remarked, tilting the tumbler in his hand and examining it. "I had a s**t father anyways. Rest in ******** peace." He sighed out and set the glass down. There was a shift, shoulders rolling back and a subtle realignment. He was still ready to knock himself flat with alcohol, but at least he could look as regal as possible until it happened.
Melany had taught him how, after all.
"Whiskey," Thorne remarked, and he sounded appraising. And then, with an edge that promised quiet concern and a soft, knowing tease, "Are you in a mood?"
He was glad to see the whiskey bottle emerge though. He could trust in Jeremiah's taste far more than his own. After all, he'd gone through enough years on whatever was cheap and fast and that had never been a recipe for things that ended well. His eyes flicked to the amber liquid, pulling his glass towards him as he worked his jaw.
The response drew a sharp breath from his throat, an acceptance, baleful as it was. He took a sip of the whiskey, and made a second noise, like approval. A rumble embedded itself in his throat, deep and animal.
He glanced at Jeremiah.
"What now?" He asked. He couldn't not ask. As much as he wanted to sit here and drink himself into a coma, there was still the matter of dawn and what happened when he woke up. There was still the matter of the cage, this world, and the one that bled into it. Scratching at its door, harder and harder with every day. His eyes shuttered, half closing.
He pressed the glass to his mouth, wondering.
"People will say that I should move on," he added, his voice breathy, almost-there. "And I don't know how."
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 9:20 pm
"The world is full of shite fathers, mine among them. Thankfully, as you said, rest in peace." Not that that did not make him think of Ezra, the unending fire, and the fact that he brought up so many of the same reactions and feelings. Yet at the same time- No, this was not the time or the place for these thoughts. Jeremiah's lips twitched upwards into a smirk, something troublesome there and likely not at all familiar to Thorne (but he had heard about it; that troublesome youth he had been). "In a manner of speaking, yes." The tumbler was refilled, his finger ran counter-clockwise along the rim of the glass while he watched Thorne. It went down smoothly, the whisky, but there was a taste of something pleasant on the tongue afterwards and a warmth that lingered far longer than usual. He leaned forward, glancing towards him when he asked 'what now?'. His eyes slid shut and then opened. In the poor lighting of the bar they were inhuman, cat-like and reflecting back the limited lighting. The shadows, the darkness, hid nothing from him but other ashdown ... "I keep looking for her," he answered finally, "and you likely watch the places you expect her to appear." Jeremiah was no fool because he remembered how Melany had put him through the paces without ever really trying. Her magic had been oily on his skin and left him feeling- "You find things that help when you can't move on. When you are so focused on things and you're-" drowning underneath it, went unsaid. "The right friend or," his lips twitched, "the right bed if necessary." Ever blunt and honest. "It's different for each of us, how we're able to move on but you can find it." Jeremiah took a sip of his tumbler, not downing the entire contents this time. "Not that it's easy but in the end it's about trying because the inaction is what eats us all."
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 12:33 pm
"Cheers to that," Thorne retorted, wryly, and slid his finger around the rim of the glass, eyes half-focused. He didn't want to think of his father, but the terrible thing about his father and the world that came with him was that Thorne could rationalize it. It wasn't full of supernatural turnings, things he didn't understand.
It wasn't -
Thorne exhales and laughs when Jeremiah smirks, his mouth curving at the expression. He tilts his head at the older man, curious and considering. Drunk? Getting there. Thorne says, "One day, Jeremiah, I will learn your deep, dark past in excruciating detail. And then we'll be on equal footing somewhere."
His eyes flick to Jeremiah's own, cat-like and inhuman. Three months ago, he might have been surprised enough to ask about it. Now, there was a leveled acceptance, an appreciation. Now, Thorne wonders what Other Ashdown is doing to them all. If he should be afraid, or let himself free-fall.
"Always," Thorne responds, sedately. He closes his eyes. "I see her in coffee shops and corner streets. I look for her everywhere." He opens his eyes and tilts his head back, neck warm, body still. He is nothing but sharp edges and angular lines.
Carved, unmade.
"Are you telling me to sleep my feelings away? Does this come from experience?" Thorne rebuked, but there was a wild tease there, his lips curling up at the edges. "Unfortunately - or fortunately, I guess - for me, Corr made good on my thoughts when he inherited and turned them into a reality, and I am once again - what was the phrase? - a free agent?"
Thorne presses the glass to his lips and drains the rest of the whiskey. It goes down smoothly and warms his chest.
He pauses and sobers. His mouth softens and he looks down at the glass.
"I have someone," he says, "They keep it - all of this - quiet, when it gets too loud. But I watched Melany beat Shiloh for everything I did wrong." He looks up at Jeremiah, and he is raw and open, the alcohol and the night dragging away the rest of his armor. "I don't ever want that to happen again, to someone else because of me. But I still want him to stay."
He pauses, looks at Jeremiah.
"What kind of person does that make me?"
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 8:31 pm
Jeremiah laughed, something low and dark and rich, and shook his head at Thorne. "Perhaps and I certainly expect that you'd be surprised about just what I did in previously mentioned deep, dark past." His lips twitched. "... but equal footing is easier found than trying to get years thirteen to twenty-four from me." He has a habit of playing with his glass once it's empty, rolling it between his hands and fingers drumming against the side before he refilled it. A couple more drinks in and he was likely to do tricks with it or something else equally ridiculous. "There's nothing that will stop that, nothing but taking back what she took." Not that he could offer a solution for that. Nothing that was not time and security and finding your feet once more. "Perhaps not a bad thing then, if you were already thinking about it ..." Jeremiah lips twitched once more but then he, of all things, winked before he spoke in a much softer tone. "It is from experience but also not something I often talk about. I spoke lightly of it but it's trust and more than that, if it's the right person." The glasses are refilled when Thorne empties his and Jeremiah tilted his head towards him when his voice dropped. "It makes you human," he said finally, "and stronger than you imagine." Even with the rawness of Thorne's eyes and the way he spoke. The older man had to push away his own ire, the need to find Melany and hurt. "... and just like me," he offered. "I can't say that I do not have the same, that I reach for the same when I can't quiet things." Jeremiah looked over to Thorne. "If you've found someone who can do that you are quite fortunate."
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 11:05 pm
Thorne huffed, an animal sound, looking over the older man with an appreciative, curious stare. His eyes roved over the detective, and he leaned his cheek against the knuckles of his left hand, a low hum slotting in his throat.
"I don't know, I've done some pretty crazy things in mine. But I suppose it might ruin the visage you've claimed of regal British detective in a quaint East Coast town," Thorne remarked, his voice lazy and softened by the whiskey. He closed his eyes and exhaled. "I'll remember that," he added, "when I start desperately trying to reclaim my respect from you."
Thorne watched Jeremiah play with his glass, eyes lowered. He let his fingers curl open, cheek resting in his palm now. He was feeling the weight of the alcohol, but he wasn't yet quite there. He was on the verge of being drunk. On the verge of being an absolute wreck.
"No, not a bad thing at all, though certainly confusing," Thorne remarked with a small laugh. "I'd like to think they're happy together, at least. Of all the things Corr has done, that is one that I don't mind. How terrible is that?" His gaze softened. "But I think I understand. It's rare to find that person though."
He tilted his head, the smile dropping, a thoughtful, raw expression taking its place. It was unveiled, unmade. The alcohol helped carve away the gates and the armor.
He closed his eyes.
"I want to be strong," he added, "I want to be stronger. Strong enough. If for no one else but him." He opened his eyes and looked at Jeremiah, raw and open. Split and cracked. He let his glass be refilled, took an appreciative sip from it after swirling the amber liquid for a long moment.
"And I'm afraid that when the time comes, I won't be," he breathed out, and lowered his eyes. "Yes, I am. I'm lucky and blessed and Chris - " he sucks in a sharp breath, "deserves more."
He turns his head and presses his palm to his eyes.
How did he explain it, further than that?
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Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2016 4:29 am
"My mother holds an Earldom, you know," he replied, tone still conversational and playful, but there's a glint to his eyes all the same, "so regal does have some bearing and truth to it." Yet it also implied that he was that youth, that he was the one that rebelled against such things because there was expectations and rules and so many other things he had pushed back against. Labeling Jeremiah Mercer was something he had never liked and still struggled against. It would take a few drinks for him to truly get drunk, more if he wanted to really be there, but the whisky was warm in his belly and it was enough to make him feel a little more at ease. Less strung up than he had been even if the conversation was- "It was not where you were meant to be, if you're content about it." Jeremiah leaned forward and then back, a roll of his shoulders and his body to stretch before he settled on his seat once more. He listened for a moment and then watched and he heard things that- They were echoes. They were thoughts he knew quite well. "It's," he started after he was quiet almost a moment too long, "understandable." Jeremiah remembered Chris speaking of Thorne at the ball and he had not realized just how deep the bond went until this moment. "... it's not easy," the words come out in a quiet voice, Jeremiah's voice raw for a moment before he seems to gather himself, "but you do it anyway. You'll push yourself, Thorne, like I do to be stronger, to be better, to do whatever it takes to make sure Alg will be alright. So I do not have to worry one day it will be his blood on my hands." His drink disappears again, the contents of his glass swallowed in one go because this was not what he expected to talk about but he can. Jeremiah traded Thorne openness in turn, exposed core for exposed core. If only for a little while. "They might just deserve more but they are also all we have and there's give and take in there." Jeremiah sighed. "For every time I think I do not deserve Algie, he thinks it twice over. That he is not strong enough, that he is not good enough, that he is-" A hand was raked through his hair. "I was falling apart and he looked after me. My mind was broken and he was there, supporting me even though there was not necessarily hope I would get better." The glasses were refilled and he was studying the liquid, blue-green eyes looking over to the younger man. There was tiredness there in his eyes, in the line of his shoulders, and unease but in this he was determined. This was the one thing he was never uncertain about. "I'm not good enough for him but it doesn't matter what I think because he says I'm enough and that is what matters. If Chris says you matter, that you are enough, that you are what he deserves ... You don't argue it. You become worthy of it." His smile turns dark then, for a moment, and his eyes glow once more. "... and you lay waste to anything that remotely thinks of harming him in any way."
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Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2016 10:53 pm
Thorne laughed at that. His smile was curved, wild and young. For a fractured second, he was vibrant and raw and intense, as though those three months were just dust swept under the rug.
"Some bearing, you say," he retorted, his voice smooth and soft with tease. "Will I one day have to refer to you as an Earl, then? You do cut an imposing figure when you want." He lowered his gaze and let it cut to the glass in his hands. "You sure you want to be seen with a dog like me?"
He hummed, tasted the whiskey against the roof of his mouth. He felt wired wrong, like the world was starting to fall out of focus. It was a good buzz, if nothing else. But his muscles felt restless and warm, his body too small for the nebulous amount of things inside of him, hissing and waiting to get out.
He listens to Jeremiah, watching him as he explains. His chest aches at the words. Something in him winds a little tighter. He turned back to his drink, mouth working, words ill-fitted in his throat, burning and incomplete.
"I think I understand," Thorne exhales, and closes his eyes, "They're alike, you know? Chris... doesn't say it. Not out loud. But sometimes I'm afraid that this - that everything I do and say doesn't reach him. Or he thinks - he's not enough, not worth it. But he pulled me out of that place. I don't know that I could have done it, if he hadn't. And he doesn't even realize what he's done." He looks at Jeremiah, burned down to ashes from the whisky, open and raw. "And it hurts, you know?"
He twirls the glass, contemplating the amber whiskey. He bent his head between his shoulders. He cut a sharp figure, impressive, dangerous, even in this display of absolute defeat.
"Of course," he says,"I won't stop trying. I won't stop until I'm worthy. Of him, of everything he is to me. Just like you." His eyes cut to Jeremiah, hard and raw and intense. They burn in the half-light. There is something sober about them past the alcohol. Something steely, built into his very core.
"But I want him to know," he adds, bowing his head, "That he is worthy too. Of everything. Of the world, if he wants it."
His eyes close, his breathing softens.
"And I'll do everything to protect him until he does."
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 10:41 pm
"Call me Earl Mercer and find out what will happen to you," Jeremiah let out a huff, lips twitched upwards once more in wry amusement. It was no longer a sore point but he still did not like to think much about the mold he had once been pushed towards. "As for being seen with you? Considering I've been called a mangy stray before," it had honestly been years, "I believe I'm in the exact type of company I prefer." Jeremiah preferred the kind of person who could handle themselves, who - underneath it all - knew they were flawed but also willing to work past it. To become greater (even if they would crumple every so often). The conversation was not at all what he had expected of it and he was waving the bartender over so that they could take the bottle and he could place his order. It was not until they left once more than he spoke to Thorne. "I think it's probably time to give you a ride to Coalsmoke, Thorne, but ... It won't stop hurting, not that hurt. Not until you can reassure him enough but it's a struggle." Jeremiah struggled with it frequently. His view on Algie, on how he was, was not shared by the other man and it hurt sometimes. More than he could ever put into words. "Yet you're doing all that you can do." Thorne is treated to a rare, true smile, albeit a sad one. "It's exactly what we both do for them until they get it and then continue to do so even after." There was a huff of laughter. "Most likely to their annoyance as Algie actually has punched me for being an over protective prat."
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 11:14 pm
"Gods, and burn that absolute atrocity into my throat? No thank you," Thorne retorted dryly, glancing up at Jeremiah. He let slip a momentary expression of surprise when the other told him he'd once been called a stray before. "Pray tell, why?" He laughed though, a soft, crude sound. "As one who's been called a mutt as a gentle insult, I suppose I can understand."
He smiled wryly. "I'm glad I'm considered preferable company. You wouldn't get that from plenty of people I've known before."
He exhaled a soft breath and lowered his head, bowing it between his shoulders as he let Jeremiah do the work for the two of them. He was even, for the most part, sure-footed on the way out, if not entirely lethargic from the alcohol. From the expended emotions, the exhausted state the world had ruthlessly left him in.
He looked at Jeremiah though, his expression raw and worn. There was a soft intensity in it, burning, but even it felt dwindled.
"I know," he breathed softly, "I know. I knew long ago. I knew the first time I remembered his name." He looked at Jeremiah. There was something there like a scar, like the aftermath of wreckage, a car crash. Smoke billowing in the air. It was no longer a sign for help, but a warning bell. Look what has happened here. Look and see what was left behind.
He tried to smile back at Jeremiah, but the expression was too sad to really fit the mark.
"Until the stars burn out from the sky," he said ruefully, "and it makes me feel slightly better that Algie has actually punched you. Have you two fought... a lot?" He shakes his head and points to the car. "I think that's a good idea," he said, "Or else I might not make it back home tonight without passing out on your shoulder."
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2016 1:04 am
"... because you understand, Thorne, what is like to be down low." Jeremiah cut his eyes towards the young man. "There's a bit of a kindred spirit in you. I see myself sometimes and it's why I know you'll ultimately be alright." It is left at that then, because Jeremiah can read the lines of Thorne's body. The set of his eyes, the way that he's fighting the exhaustion because of what haunts his mind and the back of his eyelids. It was not unlike when his mind and body had been overwhelmed. Jeremiah still could not quite shake the noises of a body protesting, the sounds of something dying slowly. It is not entirely out of place in his thoughts now, not with Thorne like this. Bleeding out and Chris apparently the one who was able to stop him from falling completely. It was far, far too familiar and bittersweet. Did they know? Did Chris? The younger man gets a pinch to his side, mostly because he attempted to smile. "None of that. Be yourself, Thorne, and never bother to smile with me if you don't feel a need. There are no masks, not here, not in this moment and not ever." His head tilted as he unlocked the passenger side to urge Thorne in. His car was forever meant to be across the pond with the driver side on the proper side if you asked him. "When we were younger frequently enough that I know how hard he hits." Jeremiah laughed low, as he stood making sure that Thorne was not going to slide over on him or anything. "Older? ... sometimes and it's usually because ..." he trailed off a moment, eyes glowing now in the in the darkness and lights of the parking lot. "I don't want to hurt him and I want to protect him and he's had to beat sense into my head or when I have erred and not been honest." He sighed. "Which I do not recommend. Come clean, Thorne, always, and if you have forgotten to tell something, then tell at the next opportunity because you do not know when someone else will do it for you. It is a far worse thing for something to come from someone else than you."
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 9:52 pm
"Oh, really?" Thorne responds, but there's a low, raw hunger in his words. An understanding, belly-deep. He ran his fingers along it like tracing jagged, broken glass. Sometimes it was easier not to press down on memories like that though.
Jeremiah understood though. There was no need to press it further, this kinship, this understanding from a similarity drawn from the past.
The expression crests and falls when Jeremiah responds to him, and Thorne exhales softly, the facade trailing away completely. The wreckage left behind is subtle, but there. He looks at Jeremiah and the gratitude in his eyes is raw and striking. A flame that could burn.
"Thank you," he says, low, and there's something more there, but he's too tired to speak it. To give Jeremiah the elegant words that he usually hides behind.
He is graceful enough to list into the seat offered, not even questioning Jeremiah's choice of car. His trust in the other is implicit. He tilts his head back against the headrest, closes his eyes. He lets Jeremiah lead, because there is nowhere else for him to go.
Thorne sighs out and looks at the other man.
"What if the truth hurts him?" Thorne asks, his voice soft, defeated. "I cannot protect him from that."
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