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 Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 1:40 pm
Long story short:
My best friend is getting married in November, initially she had promised I would be Maid of Honor. Then around February of this year after she got engaged she got a call from her younger cousin (who is a model or something) who reminded her she had apparently promised her cousin she would be Maid of Honor when my friend was like ten or twelve(I find this odd, since she would of remembered and nobody else remembers this promise). This cousin has barely hung out with her in like five years or something, and is currently in Ireland on a study abroad trip and says she will make it for the wedding in three months. So my friend apologizes to me, for kind of removing me from the wedding party and decides to make it "up to me" by making me her bridal assistant. Not a bridesmaid a bridal assistant. She wouldn't add another bridesmaid because of some reason. So today I look up what a Bridal Assistant is and it is more or less a unpaid staff position. I would be holding her dress as she pees, managing the letters and cards, ferrying items to and from hotel, managing the reception everything. And now I realize I wasn't just downgraded, I was turned into a slave for a day. I'm not even a part of the Bridal party and since this happened my best friend hasn't told me anything about the wedding really. Besides asking me to find stuff for her, and add her on pinterest which I didn't because I don't use pinterest. We haven't hung out minus my birthday dinner, it's like I am not even a part of the wedding or her life anymore. What if this cousin doesn't show? Will I just be the fallback, I mean I'm already the fallback speech person for the reception.
I'm kind of annoyed right now because on top of this, I wanted to take my best friend out for a last girls night before the wedding stuff kicks off next month. I got Czar tickets to the Weird Al Mandatory Fun tour, originally my brother and I were going but he just bowed out and my other plan for months had been to take my best friend to the concert instead.
She said she was too busy and taking one day off would throw her really behind schedule, but she is completely fine with going to a house party her uncle is throwing the day before. To top it off she didn't so much say no as a non committal response and told me to find someone else and not count on her, after asking our mutual friends she knew first an confirming they were busy. This isn't like her uncle's house party, it's a very special once in a lifetime thing and I wanted to spend time with her before I can't anymore. crying (really crying here).
So on top of effectively being my best friends maid for a day instead of MOH, I can't even get her to go to one concert with me before this wedding thing. I feel like she's taking my friendship for granted, I mean her aunt didn't even set up my reservation at the wedding shower because I'm not with somebody. And the only reason I got my answer about the concert was she was calling about the wedding shower and confirming I was coming. I'm starting to feel like a dead weight and as if I don't matter to her. Plus she is being selfish even telling me to grow up (or that I'm a downer) because I'm upset over her literally ignoring me and not going to what could very likely be the last big event we can go to as two normal best friends for a long time. My aunt who I called about this even said she was being a selfish bride. And her family is doing a lot of this wedding stuff for her.
The worst part in a few months literally right after the wedding I am leaving this area forever, there will be no other chances to just hang out after that or go do something she knows this. I put my actual plans on hold so I could be here for her wedding, I had planned to leave this month. I don't want my last memory of hanging out with her to be me being a maid for a day, and not having fun. Is that too much to ask?
Don't get me wrong I'm really happy for her, but I almost feel like she wants her happiness but at the expense of our friendship. I've been there for her at the times few others were, so why is this happening? Why can't she make time for me anymore. It isn't just this concert it's every time I try to hang out for the last five months.
I don't know what to do..
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 2:00 pm
I'm sorry your upset<3333
It's funny because the maid of honor is supposed to be the brides assistant. That's what brides maids are for. It's odd that she gave you a separate title at all.
As for the concert.... You gotta let that slide. Weddings are stressful so if she chooses to spend her down time someplace else you shouldn't take it personally. Maybe she just thinks a concert and a wedding is just too much combined. Or maybe she's worried she'll be too busy for anything before the wedding and doesn't want to have to cancel on you at the last minute? The party could have just been her attempt at a polite refusal.
What I would do is just step out of the wedding. Let the bridesmaids be her slave like they Signed up for and you just be supportive and enjoy the day with her. You don't need a title to be loved afterall.<3
As for the concert... Maybe find backups? Like tell her your invitation is still open if she changes her mind but ask some other friends as well in case she doesn't make it. I'm sure if you explain to your other options they'd understand.
Either way, let this go.
She's probably crazy stressed over the wedding afterall and she isn't purposefully ignoring you I'm sure. It's just hard juggling everything sometimes.
Maybe do something wedding related together?
watch a movie at home while working on wedding stuff.... Or maybe go get manicures together? That way you get to spend time and it will fit into her schedule which will make her feel less stressed over it.
Friends grow apart though... It's just something that happens. Don't let it all bother you too much. She still loves you. <3
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 3:16 pm
110% of what Default said above.
The concert, okay, maybe she is legitimately busy. You would think she has more time just because it sounds like her family is pitching in a lot, but I can understand that she might feel overwhelmed. If you disregard the concert though, I think she is being selfish and taking you for granted.
She made a childhood promise... okay, those usually don't last because kids don't know what they're talking about, but okay. Good for her keeping her promise I guess, still really rude.
And if she took a step back and realized that she wants you to help do her "chores," but without the spotlight or honorable title, that shows that she's just brushing you off. You said it yourself, you won't be able to hang out like this anymore, and if you really are leaving immediately after the wedding and she knows it, then she should feel some kind of obligation or WANT to hang out with you outside of her big day.
I love Default's suggestion of getting a manicure together. That's almost an offer she can't refuse, just go when she goes. Are you still going to a bachelorette party or something where that can be your big thing with her? Maybe she suggested the position without really knowing what that entails, and she didn't mean for you to have any less fun or important responsibilities than you would if you were MOH.
I know she's busy, but if you can find time to see her and help consolidate decorations or something, maybe bring it up to her then. If there's anything that people lack, it's communication; she may not even realize how it impacted you outside of not going to the concert.
tldr; yes, she was rude. Yes, she was a little justified in not going to the concert because she probably is busy. Remember you can still insert yourself into the wedding in other ways, and maybe branch out into hanging out from that. Talk to her about what she wants you to do on her big day or in preparation, make it clear; if it's what you fear, tell her why that bothers you and see if she can find something else for you.
I really hope it works out!
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 9:26 pm
Forelourne 110% of what Default said above.
The concert, okay, maybe she is legitimately busy. You would think she has more time just because it sounds like her family is pitching in a lot, but I can understand that she might feel overwhelmed. If you disregard the concert though, I think she is being selfish and taking you for granted.
She made a childhood promise... okay, those usually don't last because kids don't know what they're talking about, but okay. Good for her keeping her promise I guess, still really rude.
And if she took a step back and realized that she wants you to help do her "chores," but without the spotlight or honorable title, that shows that she's just brushing you off. You said it yourself, you won't be able to hang out like this anymore, and if you really are leaving immediately after the wedding and she knows it, then she should feel some kind of obligation or WANT to hang out with you outside of her big day.
I love Default's suggestion of getting a manicure together. That's almost an offer she can't refuse, just go when she goes. Are you still going to a bachelorette party or something where that can be your big thing with her? Maybe she suggested the position without really knowing what that entails, and she didn't mean for you to have any less fun or important responsibilities than you would if you were MOH.
I know she's busy, but if you can find time to see her and help consolidate decorations or something, maybe bring it up to her then. If there's anything that people lack, it's communication; she may not even realize how it impacted you outside of not going to the concert.
tldr; yes, she was rude. Yes, she was a little justified in not going to the concert because she probably is busy. Remember you can still insert yourself into the wedding in other ways, and maybe branch out into hanging out from that. Talk to her about what she wants you to do on her big day or in preparation, make it clear; if it's what you fear, tell her why that bothers you and see if she can find something else for you.
I really hope it works out!
I called her and it sounds like I am part of the wedding party but I still don't know, it hurts not being what she said I would be (MOH) or at least a Bridesmaid. It normally would be the MOH, but the new "trend" is bridal assistants so the Bridesmaids and Maid of Honor don't have to do that sort of work anymore. I'm not sure what I really am at this wedding, but if it's chore maid (more maid) I swear to all hell I'm going to dress in my grandfathers old ww2 NAVY uniform. It's from the 40's so it's to theme, and it has one of my two last names on the arm and back. I'll wear a nice coat over it but still, if I'm just someone whose doing all the duties the MOH and Bridesmaids should be doing well I'll be doing it in military grade garb circa 1946. Besides I'm certain it won't make my bum look big. blaugh I feel like this was done because she announced it on FB first and every friend jumped onto her and asked first, apparently that is how this cousin found out. By the time she called me all the slots were taken I still think she could of added a bridesmaid, or done what my one cousin did which was have two Maids of Honor. It's still very selfish though, and rude, and honestly being the Bride she could of made changes. She is the type that likes to be in "control" but won't confront her friends or turn down ones who ask first even if she has others in mind. She waits till her stress gets high and then does so, and doesn't like last minute changes. The thing is she doesn't know how to say no if someone words something as "a party about her or for her" even if she doesn't want it, but when you suggest doing something as friends in a way it "feels" optional she can say no. I'm different, when I commit to something it happens, when I say something is going to happen it will, when I really don't want to do something (and it's not my employer talking in which case I must negotiate) I say no regardless of who is asking. I negotiate or compromise with friends and family, but (excluding weddings, dad being a jerk because no reasoning then, and their birthdays) I don't let them push me around. We are different people in that respect, I seem laid back but I'm no pushover. She seems like she's in control but she let's people push her around quite often without realizing it. My issue is the party was last minute, she found out about it on Thursday last week; and knew about the concert for months.. I would try a manicure and have but she says no, I couldn't even get her to go on a hike. We had initially planned to work out together for the wedding but apparently another one of her friends decided to be her workout buddy. I'm not sure if I will be invited to the Bachellorete party, she seems to misunderstand my sexuality ( pan romantic asexual) so it's possible I won't be invited due to that which would be stupid. It isn't like she is going to hire strippers, I enjoy parties and don't mind strippers either but it's possible she will think going to it wouldn't be my kind of thing. Or the other girls may not want me there which is more likely. Sadly she seems to cave to her older friends peer pressure. Another thing to note though I am not sure if it is part of why I would not be invited, I am the shortest and well smallest of everybody. Out of all her friends minus one (who is tall) I am the thinnest, and my metabolism is back so I keep dropping every other day. It is possible part of me not being included could be petty jealousy, or her not wanting her other friends to get upset. Problem is the concert is in a week, all my other friends are busy, long distance ones can't make it either. I've checked, and the Czar tickets due to being hocked for absurd prices are now set up so your name is on a guest list. I wouldn't sell them anyway but it's not an option at all. No I think she doesn't believe I'm really disappearing after her big day, she knows I intend to and knows I didn't move due to it but doesn't really think I'm going to leave because my best friend truly believes nobody would want to live anywhere outside *ugh* Wisconsin. I've told her multiple times my plan, and if she hadn't declared her engagement and wedding in February (and I hadn't gotten my internship) I was going to move by June. I had no intention of staying for another Winter up here, I'm putting up with part of one because she is my best friend and this is her wedding and I promised I would attend it. By the end of September I plan to have most of my excess stuff sold off (nice little savings deal, really nice), and my passport ordered. October I plan to do my first tour of the states and spooky/haunted locations (video and photos) and a new Canon 7D2. Hopefully I'll have a few ongoing design gigs I can do on my computer, a few voice samples on soundcloud, and one book out. Also I'll be planning a trip outside the states, and looking into flights, adapters for power outlets outside the USA, language learning software, and transit. By the time the wedding rolls around all I plan to have left to do is vote in the election then book a flight and I'm off. Depending on how the book does I may start construction on Hobbit Hollow one. It's my original plan with adjustments, but it's the same one I've had for years and she knows about it. Oh wait I have to wait for pokemon to be released too. Still it's less than three weeks after her wedding. I want to spend new years in an area with an actual part, somewhere new and fun. biggrin She is taking me for granted thinking I will always be here. But the big problem is she doesn't acknowledge my plans are happening, right after her wedding. She is so absorbed in this wedding and everybody celebrating it (or using her to get more fun idk) it's like she's forgotten time is limited. Everyone else isn't leaving but I am, it's almost like a case of you don't know what you've got till it's gone is going on. Ps: I did call her about it, she will let me know by Wednesday about the concert, I'm still at a loss as to what I will do if she can't make it.
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Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:36 am
I know there are some things you need to stick around for (passport, Pokemon, etc), but can you go ahead and get moving in the works and just come back for the wedding? That way you don't have to stress over the time spent leading up to the wedding because you'll be so busy moving. Then once the wedding is over, you can head back to your new place and everything is relatively situated already.
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Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:08 pm
Forelourne I know there are some things you need to stick around for (passport, Pokemon, etc), but can you go ahead and get moving in the works and just come back for the wedding? That way you don't have to stress over the time spent leading up to the wedding because you'll be so busy moving. Then once the wedding is over, you can head back to your new place and everything is relatively situated already.
I might do that but airfare is expensive, I can start selling things off this week though it should go fast since much of it is designer clothes and other stuff that is considered vintage right now. And one of a kind metalworking stuff that you can use ( a goblin shark metal tiered tray shelf, a dragon and castle industrial style metal shelf, both are being sold). I figure between the stuff in my room and about half the huge shed I have I'll have enough for three or four years safety net. At the very least doing that should reduce the stress of the upcoming wedding. Thank you for the advice.
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Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2016 10:36 pm
Tigrosharu Forelourne I know there are some things you need to stick around for (passport, Pokemon, etc), but can you go ahead and get moving in the works and just come back for the wedding? That way you don't have to stress over the time spent leading up to the wedding because you'll be so busy moving. Then once the wedding is over, you can head back to your new place and everything is relatively situated already.
I might do that but airfare is expensive, I can start selling things off this week though it should go fast since much of it is designer clothes and other stuff that is considered vintage right now. And one of a kind metalworking stuff that you can use ( a goblin shark metal tiered tray shelf, a dragon and castle industrial style metal shelf, both are being sold). I figure between the stuff in my room and about half the huge shed I have I'll have enough for three or four years safety net. At the very least doing that should reduce the stress of the upcoming wedding. Thank you for the advice. Your in Wisconsin now then? I'm right across the border in mn.... I never meet anyone who live close to me!<333 Sorry for the off topic, just had to obsess over that a little hehe^^
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 2:13 am
DefauIt Tigrosharu Forelourne I know there are some things you need to stick around for (passport, Pokemon, etc), but can you go ahead and get moving in the works and just come back for the wedding? That way you don't have to stress over the time spent leading up to the wedding because you'll be so busy moving. Then once the wedding is over, you can head back to your new place and everything is relatively situated already.
I might do that but airfare is expensive, I can start selling things off this week though it should go fast since much of it is designer clothes and other stuff that is considered vintage right now. And one of a kind metalworking stuff that you can use ( a goblin shark metal tiered tray shelf, a dragon and castle industrial style metal shelf, both are being sold). I figure between the stuff in my room and about half the huge shed I have I'll have enough for three or four years safety net. At the very least doing that should reduce the stress of the upcoming wedding. Thank you for the advice. Your in Wisconsin now then? I'm right across the border in mn.... I never meet anyone who live close to me!<333 Sorry for the off topic, just had to obsess over that a little hehe^^ It's fine and yes I am currently your state neighbor, actually my parents are from Minnesota and so are a whole two branches of my family. I am a native to Austin, Texas though I've been stuck in this state for far far longer than I would have liked. It almost impossible to move up economically here, and my experiences up north have been.. Let's say there will be a cathartic book at some point, and I won't name names in it but I will put some nice little hints in the about the afterward and certain heads will fly and karma will rise up with the fury of a billion suns! My plan is to move anywhere but here or sadly Minnesota, mostly because I want to be far from driving distance concerning certain family members. So I'm going with plan sell my stuff, publish, get passport, prepare to leave, hope my friend comes to her senses before I am gone. Sounds like a good plan to me!
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 7:31 pm
OKAY sooooo i am a little partial to this because a best friend of mine got married and had a small bridal party - i offered to be her "coordinator" but NO friends were in her bridal party so i didnt' fee left out .. infact we had 4 of us as "helpers" who wore dresses... BUT had my friend asked me and then told me no and didn't even make me a bridesmaid all hell would have happened
i am currently the MOH for another best friends wedding and if she did that .. she isnt' the friend i thought she was (she wouldn't do this but for example) .. if she did i honestly would just not be a part of the wedding at all at that point i think...
this actually shows how she values your friendship .. she wants you to be be her "helper" and not part of the party which is crap
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Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:01 am
So bumping because update.
The wedding was very pretty, but..She dumped me after it.
All my jobs ended up changing, I was no longer bridal assistant but "pity programs", the bridesmaids were horrible to me. Legitimate bullying level, and it turns out I was never in the bridal party, or hadn't been for two weeks, and it was an inside joke. One of the bridesmaids then tried to take that one job from me, and actually shoved me aside physically. I took it back, and started breaking down more than I already had. There was no communication with me from anyone concerning when they would show up. And despite bringing an emergency kit, turns out one of the N bridesmaids already had one..There is more but I won't get into it.
My now former friend ignored me except for eight minutes for the twelve hours the wedding took place. I was not invited to the recital dinner, I was not treated like a friend, and I more or less fell apart. I felt betrayed, distraught, used, sad, and yet happy for her. The bridesmaids, or three of them, were actual narcissists..You do not want to know what they said before the bride showed up.
I tried to get to her all night but the bridesmaids kept literally playing interference. After hurting me deeply, and treating me horribly all night, I still tried to act like everything was fine.
Two days ago she told me to leave her alone because I hurt her on her wedding night. What was left of what I felt for her shattered into sub atomic shards, and the response itself was to a good news message.
Yet three days prior to this she was fine, acting like normal. On the wedding night I decided to put the friendship ball in her court, and she just dumped it. She is also ignoring a mutual friend.
I am at the point where so long as she doesn't defame me to others and affect my chances of being hired, I can't bring myself to care anymore.
I am so done now, so completely done. The ceremony was lovely, the kiss was stunning, and she looked great. But the friendship is so over!
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