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 Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 9:14 pm
They'd been dating for a really long time. Like, a really long time. Deskri practically lived at Sirius's house sometimes, other times Sirius stayed in his small apartment. They were still incredibly ornery with one another, but it was always with an underlying sense of affection - neither one intentionally went too far and if they happened to do so they (usually) apologized quickly. It all just seemed so... natural. Not easy, no, never easy... but natural.
So natural, in fact, that Deskri's worries about eventual rejection surrounding some of his... health problems... had faded from thought. At least until other thoughts came to mind. He'd realized one night after a particularly scathing bout of sarcasm that ended in laughter that he didn't want this to end-- ever. He wanted it to stay like this for as long as it possibly could-- forever, even. The realization hit him like a bucket of ice water. That meant... long term commitment- probably with rings - if Sirius was into that sort of thing -- but that wasn't what scared him.
He'd managed to not have an episode around Sirius thus far, but... if he wanted to secure what they were, make it somehow more permanent than it already was, he knew he'd have to talk to him about it. This would be last... test, the last thing he could throw out there to see what Sirius would do... It wasn't great, he knew that, but there really wasn't much else he could do.
He was supposed to go over to Sirius' after school let out. Normally this wasn't anything to be nervous about, but... with the inevitable talk he'd be springing upon his partner, he was admittedly feeling a bit nervous. He packed up the silver-and-blue heart locket he'd bought for Sirius ages ago but never gotten around to giving him, made sure the art room was totally locked down, and then made his way down the halls of the Academy towards Sirius' office. Once there, he opened the door, not even bothering to knock - which was the norm. "Are you ready?"
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 5:59 pm
 Sirius wasn't sure when plans changed. He had never wanted to settle down. The thought of finding comfort in another person hadn't crossed his mind. Not after his previous relationship, which had lacked the emotional comfort he received from Deskri.
Des. The man who had changed everything. That strange, cat-like man who had somehow corrupted the cold and bitter heart Sirius had kept and turned it into something that craved the purple-haired hybrid. Casual dating had turned into something real. Something honest. Deskri became home, no matter which house they ended up at. Casual visits turned into the realization that each night one of them would be bringing their things over to the others place. It wasn't long before Sirius just.... became comfortable. This was the norm, and he began to forget a life before it. How had he slept alone previously? How had he survived an empty home? How had he been able to be truly happy without someone to laugh and cry with?
Had he been lonely the entire time?
He began to think differently. His future had Deskri in it. A house. Them. It took awhile for him to realize he was expecting a future he hadn't confirmed with Des. A future he was taking for granted. Suddenly, it dawned on him. He needed to ensure that future happened. To ensure Deskri wanted it. He had tucked that thought away for later, something he might bring up that night.
He had been settled in his office, grading the last of a few papers he had received. The door swung open and, without glancing up, Sirius set the pen down, tucking the papers within his desk and automatically grabbing his bag. Finally, his eyes flicked to Deskri, approaching the smaller man.
"Yes." He confirmed, gently touching Des' wrist in greeting as he slipped by. "Got everything?"
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 6:48 am
Deskri watched as he grabbed his things, almost as if he'd been sitting there waiting the whole time. Which was probably the case, Sirius often reminded him of an especially grumpy dog on occasion. If dogs were pleasant, anyway. He pressed into the touch just slightly, barely enough to be noticeable. He'd never really been one for public displays of affection, but the occasional touch was fine as long as it was Sirius, anyway. Otherwise he supposed the constant banter bordering on insult wars counted... didn't it?
"Yeah, I got it all." He shrugged the bag slung over one shoulder, then turned to follow Sirius down the hall toward the area the teachers parked their flying carriages. Deskri did not have one of his own, he usually just took the portal since he didn't trust himself to drive, but Sirius had one of them. "How was work?" Normally a question like that would've been asked out of obligation, but he genuinely did care to know how his day had been. Admittedly it was partially to gauge whether or not he really should open up the can of worms he'd been planning to open.
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Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2016 9:46 am
"Mmm." Sirius gave a soft, affirmative hum as Deskri stated he had gotten everything, rummaging in his pockets for his keys. By the time they had reached the doors Deskri had spoken again, giving Sirius a moment to consider a response as the hybrid move to hold open the door for Des with one hand, raising his keys and unlocking the carriage from a distance with the other.
"Irritating." Sirius huffed, which was his usual answer, honestly. "A student brought in their slime, and it escaped from their cage. I told them normal metal cages can easily be slipped through, but they didn't listen, so of course the slime got loose and interrupted the entire class." He paused, letting go of the door once Deskri had passed through and heading back to his carriage.
"And how was your day, Des?" It wasn't an obligation for Sirius. For anyone else, yes. He could care less how Ava's evening went, or Kirket's, or any of the staff. Deskri was different. Deskri was always exempt from Sirius' normal grumpy and disinterested behavior.
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 3:21 pm
Irritating... Alright, that was normal. He could work with that, he supposed. Neither of them particularly had fantastic days at work usually. And oftentimes if one of them responded with "peachy" or something like that, it meant they'd had an especially terrible day. Really he should just count his luck that today was not such a day. Even if the voice in the back of his head was steadily chanting that he should keep his stupid ********> mouth shut about The Topic he wanted to bring up later...
"Did it do that weird multiply thing? I hate that..." He snorted softly, rolling his eyes as he stepped through the door. "...Boring, for once."
The entire ride back to Sirius' place was filled with smalltalk. Gods, he hated smalltalk. Hated it. Even with Sirius it was painful at best. He was thankful when they finally arrived at his apartment. The small hybrid slid out of the carriage, shouldering his work bag again. Nervousness hit him like a tonne of bricks as soon as he turned to look at the door.
This was it.
He'd have to do it.
He knew he'd have to talk to him about It sooner or later, but... if he wanted this relationship to proceed- and he did- it would... have to be now.
He followed Sirius inside, then set his bag down and slid his shoes off once the door was closed. "So... I had a thing... or two... that I wanted to talk to you about." He trailed off a little, realizing too late that it sounded bad which was not what he was trying to do here at all. Great. Wonderful. He sighed a bit in irritation, annoyance flashing across his face for all of .2 seconds before he turned to look at Sirius. "Nothing bad- its uh... Stuff about me."
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 3:33 pm
"Yeah." Sirius confirmed, voice rumbling in the back of his throat. The ******** multiply thing. That was a real treat.
During the ride he allowed the small talk, mostly due to the fact the times he heard Des speak it was soothing. He couldn't explain it, and frankly, he wasn't sappy enough to. He liked Des, and Deskri liked him, that was about as much as he was willing to explain. The car ride was pleasant, though he was sure Des was clawing his face off mentally. Thankfully, they had arrived at his place before Sirius had the nerve to comment that Des was "more talkative then usual". Nope. If he was going to bring that up then he needed to behave. He slammed his door (not out of anger, merely habit) and locked the carriage once Des slid out, letting Des into the house seconds later. He had been about to head off to grab a glass of water when Des, surprisingly, spoke up.
'So... I had a thing... or two... that I wanted to talk to you about.' He wasn't the paranoid type, but Sirius felt his heart skip for a second as he turned to fully look at Deskri, mouth tightening. Luckily, Des corrected the tone, finally turning to look at Sirius full on.
"Okay." Sirius offered, voice trailing into a hint of curiosity. "Is everything okay?" Was Des sick? Did he need medical help? Sirius would help him. Hell, he'd offer all he could financially, even. No, Des said it was nothing bad.... so something new? Had Deskri adopted another familiar, maybe?
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 3:43 pm
Okay. That was... less painful than he'd expected it to be. He shifted, nervousness in every ounce of his body language as he rubbed the back of his head, eyes averted to the side, tail twitching more than usual. Alright. He could do this... But where to start? He chewed at his lip, all too aware of each second ticking by between when he'd spoken up, when Sirius had replied, and the lack of response he was giving at the very moment. ********.
You're so stupid.
He shoved the voice aside in his head-- he knew that. He knew that. It didn't need to tell him. He... might as well start at the beginning. "Uh-" He started, turning his gaze back to Sirius for a moment, then over to the couch. "...Maybe we should sit ******** sounded bad. That sounded really bad.
"It's-- just a lot of stuff." He was very much aware that he hadn't answered Sirius's question... Was everything okay? No, not really. Not particularly. Hadn't been for a long time- but that was beside the point.
He shuffled stiffly over to the couch, and then sat down, waiting for Sirius to join him before he would start up again. Breathing in deeply, he tried to settle his nerves- tried to block out the voice in his head more thoroughly as he gathered his thoughts.
"I've... never really told you about uh... how Tengu and I grew up... or really anything about our family... at all. And... mostly because it doesn't really matter- they aren't around anymore, but... I mean, it does kind of matter. Uh... not that I'm seeking, like... pity or anything, I don't want that- there's just....Some things... you should know about. Y'know. Just so uh...everyone's on the same page." Great.
This was awful.
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 3:51 pm
It wasn't anything bad. That's was Deskri had said, yet the shifting and averted gaze sent a sickening feeling in his stomach. Something was wrong. Something was about to happen, he felt it. When Deskri returned their gaze back to him Sirius felt, briefly, a rush of relief. Until the comment to sit was made.
People didn't ask others to sit for good news.
Sirius' eyes narrowed ever so slightly, concern rushing over him. "Uh, okay." Sitting. Sitting he could do, okay. He followed after Deskri, settling near the man and yet keeping distance in case Des needed it. His gaze didn't leave Des, though he tried to keep it flicked slightly to the side to avoid the suffocating feeling of being stared at. His heart hammered, egging on his nerves as he fought himself to just stay still.
Finally, Deskri spoke, and Sirius had a moment to focus on what was said. How Des grew up? Well, it wasn't... as if Sirius was very talkative about his own youth, either. They hadn't discussed much about their backstories, and now he was sure that was about to change.
'Uh... not that I'm seeking, like... pity or anything.' That caught his attention immediately, brain firing the alarms. Something had happened to Deskri. Something that most would pity. Keep calm. Don't panic. Don't freak. Stay ******** calm. This obviously was hard on Deskri as it was. It was evident with each second that passed, he didn't need to make it any more difficult then it had to be.
"I'm listening." Sirius wanted to touch Deskri, but he knew better. Not right now, at least.
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:06 pm
Sirius was on edge, he could tell- sense it, really. But he couldn't really blame him. He'd said it wasn't bad, then asked him to sit down. Yeah... no, it was bad. He sighed a bit, searching for the words- the easiest way to get this out without going on a long tangent about every terrible thing that had happened but at the same time... he had to make sure he was able to convey what those years had done to him.
"So..... we had three parents. Two fathers and a mother. I don't remember her very much, she got sick and died a little while after Tengu was awakened..." He fidgeted a little with the hem of his sweater, keeping his gaze focused down. He hadn't ever told anyone this- never spoken of it with anyone who didn't already know what he'd been through...
"Our fathers, they uh... they didn't take it so well. Her dying, I mean. Tengu looks exactly like her, at least, according to pictures. One of them was always a little... wrong." Was that the word he wanted to use? Was it bad to say that? No, he felt like he was wrong. And he had the same problem, didn't he?
You're a monster lying in wait~
Ugh. "Anyway they took to locking Tengu up in one of the spare rooms, didn't really take care of him or anything... I didn't understand, I wasn't that old at the time either. They caught me too many times sneaking him some food or trying to get him out and decided I "couldn't be trusted" either and put me in the room with him." The words were just flowing now- he could probably stop himself if he wanted, but it was easier to just let it go. "The room was pitch black, no light at all. They barely fed us, and sometimes one of them would come in to attack Tengu- they blamed him for our mother dying, you know? We were just kids, didn't stand a chance. I mean, I was barely four when I got put in there." Now it was getting harder-- his voice was getting shakier as darkness seemed to cloud his vision. Back in the room, small, powerless, unable to protect his baby brother from the two people that were supposed to take care of them...
"Five years. We were in there for five years before someone caught on and notified the police. It... does a lot, to a person... to go through that." Ugh... it really did sound like he was asking for pity. He shouldn't have brought this up... surely he could've just... ignored all this and proceeded through life as if nothing was wrong, right?
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:20 pm
Sirius wasn't sure what he had expected. Honestly, he wasn't even sure he imagined it could be nearly as bad as the words pouring from Deskri's mouth. His brain tried to catch up, tendrils dimming into a faint flicker as he just stared.
Five years.
In a dark room.
The nightlights.
Tengu's flinching.
Deskri's eyesight.
It clicked.
His face contorted, twisting into an expression Des had never seen before. A snarl was on the edge of his lips, eyes narrowed with a fury that ignited as he just stared. His tendrils exploded into a flurry of light, flickering like fire against his skin. Sirius' fingers curled into his palm as his teeth gritted together, eyebrows knitted together in fury.
It made ******** sense now.
It took a good minute for him to realize the expression he was showing, body snapping into a vaguely apologetic recoil, hands stretching out and rolling to show his palms in an intent to calm himself and probably Deskri, who he assumed he had alarmed. His mouth opened, failing to find the words for quite some time before, finally, he croaked a response.
"Where are they." It sounded less like a question and more like a threat, his tone struggling to control itself as he gave an involuntary shudder.
He wanted to kill them.
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:31 pm
Des would be lying if he said he hadn't expected some sort of drastic reaction. Shock, mostly. Or maybe rejection, as the voice in his head liked to bring up on an endless cycle... but rage? He hadn't been expecting that. Instinctively he flinched, body going rigid as he leaned just slightly away from Sirius as the man's tendrils flared back into life. He didn't want to look up- didn't want to see his face, didn't want to try and decipher if that rage was at him or at his "parents" that had done such a thing.
Finally, he spoke. It sounded like murder, but... he was physically trying to calm himself down. Slowly, painfully slowly, he forced himself to relax. Sirius was safe. Sirius was someone he loved. Sirius loved him even if the voice kept insisting it was all just some elaborate prank and one day he'd walk into Sirius's office and be laughed right back out.
"...One is in prison, the other is in a high security mental ward." He spoke quietly, voice barely above a murmur. "I haven't really... kept up with it. I don't want anything to do with either of them, and... neither does Tengu. They... aren't a part of our lives. I don't even go with Tengu to visit our mother's grave." Even calling them 'mother' or 'father' seemed... alien. They were just figures in his memories now- she was a kind person, he knew that. He remembered her being good to him. But they were sources of torment. They didn't deserve the title of 'father' but he had no other way to talk about them that wasn't awkward and stupid.
You are their son though~
Just waiting to burst.
He rubbed at his head a little, chewing at his lip. "I wouldn't... bring this up if it wasn't... important on some level." How was he going to say this... He didn't even know how to explain what was going on in his head- he couldn't fully explain it to Tengu, after all.
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:43 pm
He struggled to stop himself from asking where, exactly. What he wanted to do wouldn't help Deskri, and it wouldn't do anything but cause Des more pain. It was irrational, yet the urge to hurt them rushed through him like a fire. He had never, not once, been this infuriated. It wasn't just anger, either. A stab of pain pricked him as he looked at the smaller man, his brain betraying both him and Des as he pictured the man as a child. A small, innocent, naive child thrown into a world of violence.
How would things have been different if that never happened?
What would have happened if he never got ou-
Stop.
Don't imagine that. It ******** hurt. Deskri didn't need him to imagine that. It was cruel. Des was here. He was in-front of Sirius. He didn't need to think of the 'what if's'. It didn't help anyone.
He seemed to snap out of his haze at the last comment by Deskri, his hand shifting a little closer to Des, but stoping. Not yet. Don't distract Des, and don't just assume he was okay being touched right now. Wait. Deskri had something to say. He had more to say.
"What.... is it?"
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:50 pm
Nine, this was painful. This was hard. No, worse than hard, it was nigh impossible. He opened his mouth to speak, silently forming the words but no sound came out. How... could he just say it? What was it he was trying to say, anyway? It was as if his mind went completely blank. What were they talking about...? Ah- the darkness, the yelling voices... ache. It didn't hurt, none of it did, but the mental pain of it all- he remembered that. And Tengu, tiny Tengu...
He rubbed at his face a bit, drying some tears he hadn't even realized had formed, then breathed in deeply - shakily, on the verge of really losing it - before trying to start again. "Its-- genetic, you know? The being... ******** crazy." He hated that word- it was awful, a truly invalidating thing to say to someone... but it was accurate. "I ha-- I have, it. I think. I don't know- I don't know what he had-- has, ********... I just... Am not always here. And you haven't had to see me in an episode but it's not... It's not something to take lightly. I'm dangerous, okay? I need... need you to know that."
He's going to leave you~
He knew it was a high probability. That was why he'd put it off for so long- this conversation... but he'd gotten far too attached, this was getting to be very dangerous for himself. "I have it mostly controlled- I just... Sometimes I can't.. and I'm not all there, until I am and I don't remember everything." How was he even going to talk about the voice? Did he even dare? This was hard enough to confess- dangerous enough to confess...
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 5:00 pm
'I'm dangerous, okay?'
Sirius blinked at Deskri, brain reeling. Dangerous. Genetic. He could have it. He couldn't help it, recoiling slightly to fully examine Deskri. If they stayed together.... if they.... if Deskri said yes to his question... if they had kids...
Could he hurt them, too?
It was a selfish and hateful thought, but Sirius had never been faced with this before. He never could have guessed. Not once did Deskri come off as dangerous, and if Des had just blurted that out without the story about his younger years... he honestly would have shrugged it off. Thoughts such as 'I can take him' and 'It's fine, I'll just be here" would have been considered. Yet, and this was the part that genuinely ******** him up... Deskri could hurt their future kids. If they had any. If Sirius was even going to pursue that future with Des.
......
So why did his body ignore the danger? He knew, he was concerned, and it absolutely triggered an initial fear, but his heart wasn't listening. Deskri could have a bad moment, if he was hearing Des correctly. It sounded like moments, not days or weeks. He could shift, and Sirius would finally have to deal with the "danger" that Des spoke of. But.... But he didn't care? Was that the feeling he had? Was that because he loved Deskri? Because as he pieced together his rambling thoughts he realized he couldn't see a future without the man? That, even if Deskri hurt him, he'd forgive because he loved so deeply? And what about kids?
He... he didn't know. They weren't there yet. He hadn't seen Des'.... moments. He wasn't sure what to call them. He couldn't assume, yet. He trusted Deskri. It took a good three minutes for his brain to process everything, but he trusted both Des and himself.
He could handle this.
He loved Deskri.
He had to handle it.
"I-" He caught off, unsure. What was the wrong thing to say? What was the right? Honesty. Deskri appreciated his honesty, so he needed to do just that; be honest. His hand shifted, fingers brushing against Des', offering his hand. "I still want to be with you." His voice was shy, a rare tone, but also firm. He meant it. He still didn't... grasp entirely what Deskri was saying, but he meant it.
"I'll help... you... if that's okay? Will you let ********, he felt so vulnerable right now.
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 5:18 pm
Silence. Deafening silence. He knew Sirius was considering what he'd said, thinking on the depth of the issue. It'd be one thing if he didn't have any magical capabilities, but Sirius had already experienced just what he was capable of.
Here it comes.
R e j e c t i o n.
You were pretty stupid to think this would last.
Slowly he curled in on himself, raising his legs up onto the couch to tuck his knees under his chin. He wanted so badly to reach out and hold onto Sirius, but didn't want to invade his space before he was ready. He nearly jumped when the other man began to speak.
'I still want to be with you.'
He couldn't help it- tears welled up in his eyes, blurring his vision as relief crashed down upon him. Sirius wasn't going to reject him- it wasn't over. He held onto his hand, a little tighter than necessary but he needed that anchor at the moment. Needed something to tie himself to before his mind carried him off.
He didn't know what to say- how could he express how thankful he was? He leaned over, resting against Sirius - though still curled up - and just stayed there for a moment until he was able to collect himself.
"Thank you.."
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