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 Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 7:25 am
He had been scatterbrained more and more as of late. His work was being affected. Runicing took a lot of concentration he didn't have. He thought of the jungle, and traps, and a slew of reasons for Jan's disappearance that revolved around his failures.
When he turned the doorknob to their apartment, he expected Rodney it emptiness, and only wanted to wash up and take a short nap before headin back out to search again.
Stepping trough, he had to double take and pull his attention back to what he didn't expect to see sitting on their couch.
"Jan?!"
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Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 11:10 am
On getting back from the beach with Rodney Lawrence had proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom for four hours and only emerge when he looked like a somewhat presentable human being. There had been some emotional outbursts as his new self fought to cope with the history it found laid before it, the gaps filling in from Maja's departure.
Rather than fall apart completely he had pulled himself out of the potential well of self pity he'd been threatening to slide into, resolving instead to make good all the things he had done wrong.
When Melvin walked in he'd had lunch, finally eating a proper meal and was at Butches behest grazing on a bag of popcorn.
"Dr Lawrence Weiman." he corrected the other man absently, realising that he was going to have to navigate his life of sin and address the fact he had somehow trapped a loving young man into a relationship with it.
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Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 4:50 pm
He was better dressed, if not looking more comfortable. It was a lot better than the horrible overalls he was wearing before that made him look like a escaped inmate from a farming community. Most of all, he was eating, and, upon a quick look around, noticed it wasn't because Rodney was around.
Shutting the door, he walked slowly to Jan but stopped at the correction. It felt like an attack to be corrected, and he went back to thinking that whatever had happened, whatever caused Jan to run away and then jump out of a window upon seeing him, was still there. Could he not call him Jan anymore? Was he being punished and pushed back to some different status away from boyfriend that he lost that meant he wasn't good enough to call him Jan?
"What's going on with you? Why did you jump out of a window when you talked to me? I keep trying to talk to you and it's like I'm part of the problem but you won't tell me anything. You risked your life to get away from me. If you have a problem with me, why don't you just tell me?"
He wished he could be fully happy Jan was here, but him being here didn't explain WHY he was here.
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2016 9:55 am
Lawrence quirked a brow at Melvin as he stopped.
"You aren't part of the problem Melvin. You are a loving and wonderful man. The problem is entirely within me." he gestured at his chest. "I ran because I fully intended to continue not eating in an attempt to avoid becoming what I am, convinced it was some undesirable "dead" persona. When that is certainly not the case." he smiled gently.
"I saw the light though, I will get back to a healthy weight, I will turn things around, I will make good many of the things I ruined as best I can. I will be a better person to everyone. Including you, if you want to talk, let's talk. I will be entirely honest, as best as I am able at least."
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:40 am
It seemed like a breakthrough. That something happened in the jungle that had lead Jan to make a complete turnaround and reflect upon himself and his actions. However, he was used to fickle moods, and he wasn't sure how to approach all of this. Yet, if Jan was willing to talk openly now, now was the best time to talk.
Walking over, he sat down and placed a hand upon his knee.
"I thought you were avoiding me. Every time I tried bringing up the issue, you shut down. I don't want you to think you have to go into the jungle and take on anything that is bothering you so much alone. If you needed space, I could have just slept in the greenhouse instead of you risking your health by living out where some mob of shadowlings could have gotten you."
Taking a breath, he wanted nothing more than to lean into him. "What were you avoiding then? What persona?"
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 10:24 am
Lawrence didn't feel all that well, having gone so long with little food and suddenly dealing with a slightly queasy appetite was a bit of a startle. Still, he didn't show it, determined to be as kind to Melvin as he could manage, it was what he owed the other man if nothing else.
"I was avoiding you." he said. "But not because you did anything wrong but because you cared so much for me. I knew you'd never let me waste away into a skeleton and possibly into death without fighting me every step of the way. So I avoided you, simply because I was afraid and as usual wanted to have my own way. You did nothing wrong but care more than I deserved" He watched the hand on his knee, not sure if he should remove it and begin discouraging the things he hadn't earned already.
"So it wasn't about space, only avoidance. I'm done with avoidance."
He rubbed his eyes and sighed, still seeming somehow softer and weaker than he had been for a long time.
"I wasn't avoiding a persona either." he said "What I am isn't a persona. Not exactly I guess. It's just me. Part of me I was avoiding like I was avoiding everything else. I raised Mikael but I liked to pretend I didn't. I was a vet, I try to ignore that also. I tried to erase so much of who I was and remake myself as a divine artist. I can't even play the piano any longer, not the same as I could so that was simply a pipe dream. I was avoiding dealing with everything in my past because it would mean dealing with everything that has happened since I started running. And it's so much Melvin. I've hurt so many people."
He sighed. "You too. You don't realise how much I've hurt you."
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 7:39 am
"I guess I shouldn't feel so bad chasing you if that was the mindset you were in." It was a relief to know he wasn't going crazy chasing Jan, but it didn't help him to think Jan had been set out to destroy himself just to have things in his own hands.
"I didn't know you were taking so much into yourself. If there is anything you do need, even if it's just space to figure things out. I'm okay with that. You just need to tell me so I know."
The final statement was just dismissed with a wave. "It's fine. I probably deserved it, and it's in the past. We're still together after all...in our own way." Things were still floating on the shelf, but right now he wanted Jan to work on what was going on with him. Everything else felt lower on the totem pole of importance.
"I'm glad you're back though, and aren't running." And he leaned in to kiss him.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 7:54 am
Lawrence very gently took hold of Melvin's shoulder to hold him from the kiss, shaking his head. "No." he said. "Don't give me any of your affection until you know who I am and what I have done. If you still care about me after that then we can decide what to do but you need to know."
He rubbed Melvin's shoulder reassuringly with his thumb. "I don't deserve you and you have never deserved anything other than good things and someone who can appreciate the devotion you give all the time." he took a deep breath.
"Melvin. When I first met you, you seemed a mess, struggling to get by, caught up in your dead girlfriend. I wanted to try and fix you, to see if I could. You had potential and I needed someone to back me up at the time and someone with a pay cheque I could leech. I made up everything about Rin, I created a persona of sorts using everything you showed me and told me. I wanted you to get over it, I wanted sex, I wanted money. The only spirit I can hear is Butch, everything else was just telling people what they wanted to hear and I told you what you wanted to hear." he frowned deeply. "I consider you one of the most loyal people I have ever had the fortune to meet and more understanding than I have ever run into. I was happy and I had no intention of ever telling you any of this to avoid the trouble it might cause. But like I told you, I am done with avoidance, I won't let this continue based on nothing but lies when you deserve so much better."
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 8:23 am
When he was moved back, the hurt was instantaneous. Despite what Jan felt he had done, he only wanted to assure him it was fine, to hold him again, and show him things were alright. Most of all, he wanted him back in his arms after all the time away. To physically show he was there.
The soft rubbing didn't help, but it was at least contact and he waited for what would be said. There was a air of need and gravity, and so he listened patiently for it to be done before he could continue. Jan had always put himself down at times, saying he wasn't good enough for the attention he received, and he never got why, and so when he started to speak he only felt a need to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. Of course he deserved that attention.
The trip to the past, to their first meeting, it wasn't a warm reminiscence of the point in time when their lives intersected and started on a path together. Instead, words filtered into his mind.
...a mess.... He had been a mess, but just as he opened his mouth, his mouth shut tightly. The word 'dead gilfriend' was disrespectful. She had a name. He knew Jan knew that. She wasn't just two things. Not just his girlfriend. Not just dead. She had been Rin, and his brow pressed down at that wording.
But just as Melvin through he had been trying to help Jan, to provide support and assistance with whatever would make him happy, Jan had been doing what Melvin tried hard not to do. He was being Mia. Jan wanted to fix him.
I made up everything about Rin....
He stared back, eyes slowly unfocusing as he talked.
I created a persona.....using everything you showed me..."
He stood up slowly, but once he looked around and wasn't sure why he was standing, sat back down again. No longer looking at Jan, he looked away.
I wanted you to get over it. She wasn't a IT.
The conservation trailed off and he looked at their room, head slightly turned away.
"Why are you saying these things? Do you hate me this much?"
He paused.
"If you wanted to break up, you don't have to lie to me like this."
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 8:33 am
"I'm not lying Melvin." he said weakly, the words soft and careful. "Nor do I hate you." He didn't hate anyone really, incapable of the level of deep and sustained anger that it required, most things being nothing but an irritating buzz which needed to be waved away or swatted. "If I hated you I would just go on for ever without telling you the truth about any of this, having sex with you every night knowing that your body wasn't earned."
He exhaled, rubbing his face. "I didn't say any of this to break up either. I am saying it because I am no longer avoiding the things that I have done but doing what I can to make amends for them. I knew Rin was important to you and I used her to get at you, it is as simple as that and it is disrespectful to both of you."
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 8:57 am
"Yeah you are trying to break us up. You weren't like this yesterday and suddenly today you are fine, eating, and telling me this. How do I know you're not someone else working to destroy Jan? To destroy us by lying - by saying this s**t to me."
He grabbed Jan once more. "Snap out of - of whatever you are doing." His eyes moved over Jan's body. Maybe he had gotten worse in the woods. Maybe it was like him not noticing when Jan wasn't eating until it was too late.
Looking back up, he leaned back in once more for a second attempt.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 9:08 am
Once again Lawrence stopped Melvin, shaking his head. He didn't expect it to be easy, the deception had run very very deep. "I am not lying Melvin. Jan was just a mask I created, someone who I designed for another place. The accent, everything was hand picked for what I needed. This is me. This is Lawrence, or most of me, the rest is just horrible and will use people if I don't watch myself."
He sighed. "You don't want to kiss me." he said. "And when you realise I'm telling the truth you will be glad you didn't."
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 9:43 am
Jerking himself away, he got to his feet and glare back at this person. "How the hell am I supposed to believe that? After all this time with Jan... When he goes into the woods and now you show up?" His hands gestures to the man in their couch. "How am I supposed to believe you are the real Jan. When I said the name Lawrence, Jan didn't seem to like that. So how am I supposed to believe a guy even Jan doesn't like! Jan was honest with me before and you want to say you are saying the truth because - because what? You just say so?" He might have had Jan's body and face but he could just be a persona or a ghost for all he knew.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 9:52 am
Melvin got a surprised look for his response. Of all the reactions to the new possible Lawrence really hadn't expected this at all. Being told that it was him who was a persona was somewhat understandable given the mess that things had become of late but to be considered less believable than Jan was just a bit of a kick in the teeth.
Taking a slow thoughtful breath he spoke again, this time in Jan's playfully not-quite-American tones, his posture effortlessly moving into the slightly eccentric car salesman like persona.
"Melvin, I don't like the name because it's who I /was/. Who I don't want to be. Understand? But now ah am. Sooo I'm up up s**t creek, all because I gained a few pounds." and he shrugged, patting his tummy. "Sure enjoyed ********' you though, even if it was kind of a sin by my old yarns I spun those old biddies I slept with hahaha. Rin says well...Rin says whatever I want doesn't she? Anything you want her to have said? How about "Believe Lawrence, he's telling the truth." that good enough for you?
And again he seemed to shrug it off, looking nauseated by even switching back into the Jan act. "I am not a persona Melvin. They all are."
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 11:19 am
The punch came in an instant, hitting right into Lawrence's face. It was too much to be lied to like this from this thing, but to have it openly mock Jan and Rin in the same breath, was insulting two people he cared for deeply.
"Don't you dare ******** talk like that!" He shouted, before he startled, pulling his first to his chest and then kneeling down before Jan, reaching out. "Oh s**t. Jan.....Jan I'm sorry I........you're just .........I didn't mean you. I meant him. I just....."
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