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Broken_Illumination Captain
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 Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 4:14 am
 Rasiel had stood at the entrance of the path that would lead to the cabin for what seemed like hours. He was tense. Maybe this time Deskri would be there. A small part of him hoped he wasn't and the cabin would yet again seem empty. It was a conflict he struggled with. He had already taken off the only cover he had. Hesitantly, he fixed his hair to what it looked like long ago, before the 20 years had passed. It was like he hadn't aged a day. Well, only got taller really. Rasiel wondered what Deskri would think about it now. He sighed. Taking a glance down to his hand, he gripped a letter so tightly that it was almost a crumbled mess. He could feel his hands shaking as he decided to put the letter back into a pocket in his jacket. Stepping down the path and coming up to the door, he hesitated again.
He doesn't want to see you.
Rasiel swallowed hard and took a deep breath. He was unsure how well this would go, and that made him even more nervous. Reaching his hand into his pants pocket he pulled out the talisman and stared at it for a moment, took another breath and put it back. It was now or never. He knocked lightly then opened the door slowly into the cabin. It was unlocked like it always was. Inviting, yet the silence was always so unsettling. Clearing his throat, he spoke softly. "Deskri?" He waited for what felt like forever, just hoping he would say something back. Any sign that he hadn't left the sanctuary without warning to never come back.
I hope he's here. It amuses me to see you struggle.
Rasiel shook his head of her comment, walking calmly through the cabin and stopping in the living room, his eyes shifted from side to side carefully.nepsah feel free to answer this when you can when you do your rounds this weekend ;D
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Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 11:26 am
Since the failed greeting party, he'd been in a constant state of near wreck. He'd kissed her. In front of everyone. They hadn't spoken about it yet - he couldn't bring himself to. Did he care? Yes, he did... But why? Why did he care? His heart had gotten his mind all tied up in knots - or was it the other way around? What emotion was he really feeling? He'd gotten so good at lying to himself that he wasn't even sure if he really did love Rasiel, or just thought it was in his best interest - it was safer - to be in a relationship with him again...
Were they even in one? Probably not anymore. He'd spent his time since the party glued to the shadows, only taking solid form when Rasiel was not home. He knew he should speak to him - but confrontation had gained other meanings over the years... would he lash out? He'd promised not to- but oh the voice in his head insisted he would lash out.
He'd been on one of his rare trips to the kitchen when Rasiel returned - head stuck in the pantry while he scanned the selection for anything he might be able to stomach. He didn't hear him until his voice called out, his name reaching his ears set off a small panic in his chest. He jumped slightly, hand gripping the pantry door tightly as he jerked his head back to stare with wide eyes over at the larger Meta by the door.
it's time!
you're going to be removed~
he doesn't need you.
He swallowed, eyes darting around the room as he mentally calculated a way to escape - if he just-- already his legs were starting to fade, connecting to the shadow of the pantry door, but he didn't disappear just yet...
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 12:31 pm
Rasiel brushed his now red hair back out of his eyes, something he was getting used to again. He was contemplating just leaving but then heard something in the kitchen, whipping around quickly and hesitated, surprised to suddenly see Deskri standing there. This wasn't just a hallucination his mind created to mess with him, was it? His heart dropped, seeing the look on his face, the implication the Deskri had probably been really avoiding him this whole time.
It's your fault.
Rasiel's eyes softened in pain, regret, and more in importanty heartache. "Deskri.. I..." he swallowed hard, trying to find the words to say. "I'm sorry..."
Your constant apologies are worthless to him.
"Look, she was... I.." he sighed and his eyes averted, drawing to the floor in shame. Was it even worth explaining why it happened? It didn't really matter why. It wouldn't change that it did happen and he chose to do it. Even if it was a hasty decision made in panic and desperation to protect Deskri.
This is it. You've only been together a month, and you've already ******** it all up. Just like you always do.
"...please don't go..." he mumbled. He knew if he didn't say something now, he'd lose his chance to talk to him. He was already fading into the shadows. He clenched a fist at his side, as his mind wanted to be angry. Furious at his own stupid actions. Then he sighed again, and for the first time, let the rage in himself go. He thought deeply about what to do. What to say.
You will destroy him... like the malice you are.
"...i don't know.. what to tell you." his voice low, bordering on being calculating. "...just... I'm sorry."
He's going to get sick of hearing that.
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Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 6:25 pm
He swallowed, heart fluttering with nerves as Rasiel began to speak. Did he want to hear it? The reason? The excuse? Did he care? Another apology, he was always apologizing... Did he even need to be? What right did he have to be upset? It wasn't like they'd outright said they were together... But they had kissed... They had said there was still love there was there? you liar. He chewed at his lip ring - now visible since he'd stopped making himself appear less pierced in order to conserve energy for hiding...
He didn't want him to leave. Why? What could he possibly say to make everything okay again? Other than tell him how to feel - how to deal with everything... It seemed like since he finally had somewhere at least a little bit safe, suddenly he was falling apart. Unable to keep himself together any longer - a moment's rest and all of his seams were coming undone... He wasn't sure how to feel.
But- before that, he had to figure out what to say. What to do. He stopped fading, legs slowly returning to solid state as he forced himself to let go of his death grip on the door. This wouldn't do. He couldn't stay there like a deer in headlights, staring at him as if he expected the fists to fly at any moment (but didn't he?).
"......explain." He finally responded, quietly, barely audible - no real feeling behind it.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:28 pm
Explain...
One simple request.
Rasiel froze up, his eyes locked on the ground, almost completely forgetting to breathe as a knot settled deep in his throat. The voice in his mind cackled endlessly, echoing in a deafening orchestra of amusement. He tried desperately to think of what to say, how to explain what happened. Explain anything really. Nothing was coming up and it was excrutiating how much he hated himself at this very moment. Absolutely ashamed of his actions like a scolded child. No, he was a grown adult. He had to answer for his actions. If only he could find the words.
"What is there to explain?" he blurted out suddenly, his chest was so tight as he couldn't even look at Deskri while he spoke. "Nothing I say will change what I did!" he followed up, his voice getting louder, his anger slowly starting in. "I kissed her... in front of everyone.. like a ******** idiot! It hurt you. I hurt you. And here I am just apologizing like that's going to fix anything!" he shut his eyes tightly and his voice was only becoming more intense with every sentence he spoke. "I can protect you from every person out there, but I only end up hurting you more than they could!" he darted his eyes at Deskri, piercing with his temper beginning to surface. "Is that what you wanted to hear?!" he was clenching his teeth, trying desperately to keep control of his emotions. Tensing up slightly, he swallowed hard and then took a deep breath. He began to relax, but it only did so much. "This is why I was so afraid of Andy... but even then I can't put the blame on her. This is all my fault." he closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again to rest on Deskri once again, his eyes back to their normal harsh look. "I don't know what else I could possible say... nothing will make this better." he sighed and his eyes shifted to the floor, filled with anguish. "I ******** this up far worse than Andy could have..."
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Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:50 pm
He blinked, watching Rasiel carefully - waiting for any signs of aggression. And it came, in the form of anger in his voice. He flinched slightly, instinctively moving back a step or two. The demand earned another harsher flinch out of him - he averted his gaze to the ground, feeling his heart rate rise steadily as fear pounded through his ears, demanding him to run. Rasiel was right - as much as he wanted to protect him from the outside world, he did far more damage than any of them did. Well, sort of, he hadn't quite reached 20 years of agony just yet, but if things continued he'd certainly get there eventually.
He hadn't been wanting him to make it better, though. Rasiel was right, nothing could make it better- he just... he wanted to know why he'd ever do such a thing. But no reason was given. No explanation. Nothing.
"...that's not what I asked for..." He finally mumbled, still keeping his gaze locked on his own feet, hands wringing themselves into bloody messes -- he'd relapsed earlier and had fresh wounds to pick at...
"I just... wanted to know why.... you'd do that... if you knew it would hurt me..." He trailed off, chewing at his lip harshly... "It doesn't... it doesn't matter... I know-... that I don't matter, in the end, so... f-forget I asked..."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 12:55 am
He had honestly expected to be yelled at, scolded, anything. But the only thing that came was more questioning. The same question. Why? Why did it matter? Why did Deskri even care to know the reason why?
He wants you to tell him you don't love him anymore.
The voice was as grating as nails on a chalkboard, every word that rang out felt a horrible chill up his spine. He wanted to refuse to even acknowledge but he wasn't even sure what it was he felt about anything anymore. For so long, he was practically dead. The memory of a man who ******** up so bad it got his own sister killed. Rasiel's mind raced, trying to find an answer that even made sense. "I know it.. but he.. forgets..." That was all he could come up with to make sense of what he did. " This isn't what I wanted." he mumbled, raising a hand to cup into his forehead, head still hung low. It was then that Deskri's last comment even registered in his mind, he had been so distracted by Obscurite's voice. He looked to Deskri suddenly, his entire face wrinkled in anguish. How could he say that. That he didn't matter. Those words hurt more than he could imagine at this moment. "If you didn't matter then I wouldn't even be here right now! I wouldn't be here trying to apologize for being a giant idiot! You matter to me! Don't..... don't just say that..." his voice cracked, threatening to break under the pressure of wanting to just scream and let out every emotion he could muster, anything to release what he felt. "...what are we doing.." he whispered, he couldn't look away from Deskri, he wouldn't allow himself. This was a mess.
Look how hurt he is.. this is the destruction you cause.. no matter where you go.
Rasiel was tense, but his mind couldn't decide whether to keep building up in anger or to just cry. He felt so defeated but was still somehow fighing for a cause he knew nothing about anymore. His began to speak, his voice soft but pained, "what do i do... what can i do..."
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 1:16 am
Still no answer. Still no explanation. Still nothing but self-loathing and focusing on himself rather than the question at hand. He managed to tear one hand away to run it through his hair, ignoring the blood as it smeared over his forehead. He needed to get out of here--
And go where~?
you don't have anywhere to go.
You be his little pet,
or you die.
...Maybe dying wouldn't be so bad...
Squeezed his eyes shut, trying desperately to shove both his own thoughts and that of the voice's aside - he had to focus. "Why... can't you just answer..." He needed to think about something else- something that didn't make him sad....
Anger.
He could work with anger.
He let it bubble up in his core, oozing heat and concentration until he found the strength within himself to look up - eyes focused on Rasiel.
"All I asked for was an explanation. What made you think it was a good idea to do that? What, in that moment, was so important that you would do that in front of them-- in front of me? I know they don't know who you are - most of them, but what would make Rhun do something like that?" Voice shaking, he managed to force himself to speak clearly. Oh, his legs threatened to give out, but he had to do this. He had to be specific.
"I don't want your apologies, we already acknowledged that they don't mean anything to me anymore. Just tell me what the <********> you were thinking!" And just like that, the rage boiled over, filling him up with heat as he really did begin to feel angry - angry at Rasiel for the audacity to distract from the question at hand with his own selfish self-loathing, as if admitting that he couldn't fix the problem did anything at all.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 1:57 am
And there it was..
You've ******** up so bad, he's mad at you. He hasn't been mad at you since you broke up as teenagers. You know what's coming.
Rasiel pushed the nagging voice aside, listening to Deskri's voice, his face still pained but clinging to every burning word refusing to look away. Even though he had deserved this, his own anger was kicking up once more. Rasiel was trying to control it, but it was still more difficult than he could exactly handle. He was tensing up, letting it all come at him.
"What was so important?"
"Because I wanted to!" he screamed out. Then hesitated. That didn't come out as he intended. Instead of slinking back, he straightened his back a bit, he wasn't going to find the easy way out of this. "You want an explanation.. here it is. The best that I can do to piece together what ******** up thought process I seem to have." he inhaled deeply, trying to collect his thought, trying to stay as calm as possible, though it was obvious he was still fighting his anger from overwhelming him. "I know Andy. She had that look in her eye when she saw you. As best as I can to be someone else, I'm still me under that mask. I panicked. The only thing my stupid brain could come up with was to do something.. anything that would, without a doubt, convince her to leave. I didn't think, I just acted. It's not because I love her, it's not because of her at all." his eyes narrowed, sharply staring straight at Deskri with unwavering sternness. "You want to know what was so ******** important? It was you, okay? I was willing to jeopardize 7 years of being this other ******** person.. to make sure Andy didn't ******** with you. That's my instincts. The only thing I seem to work off of as Rasiel. Rhun calculates.. I'm just the monster beneath that charming smile." he sighed, that probably still wouldn't do. "It's complicated, and I want you to understand what goes through my head. But I don't even understand it." He finally averted his eyes, looking slightly off, reluctant to merely stare at the floor again like a coward. "Rhun has never had to deal with my emotions in the mix... I guess we've been pretty unpredictable these days.."
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 12:02 pm
Normally, the scream would have caused him to back down - to submit - to let him just do whatever he wanted until it was over and he'd just hope that he'd survive it... but the scream just added fuel, fanning the fire within him. He narrowed his eyes, mouth forming a thin line as his expression settled from disgruntled to a true glower of anger.
"You don't think I'm capable of dealing with a piece of s**t like Andy? When there were other people around? When Delilah was there standing right <********> next to me?" The words poured their way out, barely passing through his mental filter on their way through him. "I'm damaged beyond repair Rasiel but don't you <********> forget I survived 20 years out there with worse scum than Andy at my back at all times. I don't know what ******** infuriates me more - you infantilizing me or the fact that you have the ******** audacity to scream at me about how ******** much of a monster you are when I AM THE ONE HURT HERE." His voice cracked, growing in octave as he slipped into a less controlled state.
"All I <********> asked for was a goddamn explanation for why you did that. I didn't ******** need anything else. I see what the ******** you're doing there, Rasiel, and I'm not ******** amused. I am not going to comfort you over this. You ******** up, you get to sit in it. If I'm such a ******** risk to your alternate persona then maybe I should leave since you can't ******** trust me to take care of myself!"
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 1:27 pm
Rasiel was conflicted, he was so angry that they were here yet again yelling at each other like they used to and they hadn't even been "together" for a month. But this was absolutely his fault, and Deskri was right. Every last word was the truth of the matter. Rasiel couldn't find the words to speak as his mind raced on what to say. The more that Deskri spoke, the angrier he got, the energy was just too much.
Just lose control.
"First of all,.. " he started in, throwing his eyes toward Deskri with fury, gritting his teeth. "Andy isn't the same ******** person you knew back then. Maybe you haven't seen the news, but she's worse than I am! Delilah doesn't even know how much of a ******** threat she is to everyone. But that's not the issue, is it? No! This is about you. and. me!" he agreed in a loud voice. "I never intended to invalidate your feelings about all this! ********. The only reason I do this s**t is because I love you! I know you can handle yourself, I do, but you know what? While you were surviving with worse people chasing you, I was trying desperately to protect anything I cared about. I already lost someone I loved before! That kind of thing ******** you up!! And even so, I literally had to watch you get ******** murdered or worse over and over. Sometimes I forget that's not you. That you are real and that you are okay. That you have your own ways to survive." he only seemed to match Deskri's intensity as his eyes burned in anger.
Destroy him..
"You are a risk, Deskri! But I don't want to tell you that, because I want this to work. But obviously it's not! My love for you is interfering with his plans. All it takes is one wrong person to find out the truth about Rhun and this whole place will be swarming with angry humans, bounty hunters, Obscurite." he forced himself to take a deep breath but it did nothing. "You are the only thing I've ever wanted in my life more than my own ******** saving. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again... probably nothing good." he closed his eyes, trying to stop shaking as he clenched his eyes tightly. His voice then dropped to a forced calm. "I take responsibility for what happened. I acted without thinking about the repercussions of my actions, and that's why we are standing here yelling at each other. Just like before. This is just going to keep happening. I don't want you to leave. But I.... I don't think I can stop instinctively trying to protect you from everything and love you." he opened his eyes, they were softer now, he was calming down, but slowly. "I am completely at fault here, and I hope that you can eventually forgive me for my behavior and for hurting you once again. I regret what I did, and rightly so." Rasiel stood there, trying his best to keep composure from the emotions that demanded to be let out. "Just.. please don't leave. Anything but that." His chest hurt so much that he desperately just wanted to curl up and die right then and there. He focused on Deskri waiting silently for a response.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 11:52 pm
First of all. Did he really just. His head jerked back, expression still seeping with anger as his ears threatened to shut off - he didn't want to hear it. Any of it. Empty excuses. It was always someone else's fault, wasn't it? The more he spoke, the more the rage in him boiled, overflowing and threatening to consume. Was it getting hot in the room, or was his temperature just rising to match the inner heat he felt?
A risk! He was a risk! He could almost laugh- here Rasiel was, begging him not to leave, and yet he was blaming his poor behavior on him. Oh, this was beautiful. Some part of him knew he was being unjustly harsh - this anger wasn't all for Rasiel - but he was too far gone to care much about that for the time being. Rasiel was allowed to lash out, so why wasn't he? Why was he always the punching bag? It wasn't right.
"You actually want me to be okay with this. I'm not something that needs protecting, Rasiel. You aren't the only ******** person in this room to have lost things, to have suffered and been tortured. Take a ******** second to step back and look at who the <********> you're talking to." He hissed, tone growing low as the anger threatened to turn from an unquenchable fire to hostile ice.
"If you can't ******** handle me then why the ******** am I here? If I'm such a huge ******** risk to you, then why the ******** are you holding on so tightly? What the ******** do you even want from me? Do you think I'm flattered to hear that you'd do something terrible if I left? That sounds like a goddamn threat to me, Rasiel." He began to wring his hands again, ignoring the hum of anxiety that wanted so desperately for him to stop speaking his mind.
"I don't even know what to say to you anymore. This isn't making anything better. To me, right now, it ******** sounds like all you want is for me to stay in this house - never ******** speak to anyone - never step foot outside, so you can keep living your double ******** life without worrying about actually growing up and realizing I can ******** handle myself."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2016 12:18 am
Deskri wasn't seeing eye to eye with him, just more yelling, and it was making Rasiel's skin crawl. If he had been younger, he would have folded like a deck of cards, falling into a mess of angst and depression by such harsh words. Maybe it was because of the gift, or maybe the built up anger toward everyone for years. He had been trying to take responsibility, but Deskri was hell bent on finding the fault in every word he tried to spill. "I don't understand why you are having such a hard time comprehending the want to protect the things you care so much about you'd give your life for!! Maybe it's because you didn't actually give as much of a s**t then!!" he was losing control of himself again. He took the talisman out of his pocket and tossed it aside angrily. The gloves were off. "You're ******** right, Deskri!! You can do whatever you want!! You are an adult and you are free to do whatever the ******** you please! I wanted to care, I allowed myself to care. Because you said you had loved me. You wanted me. WELL YOU ******** GOT ME!!" he was so tense, he was clinging to the last bit of control he had to prevent himself from repeating his outburst in Alice's room when they first met again. "I don't even know what I wanted anymore!! I don't know what I could possibly want from you!! Is there even anything left!!" he covered his face suddenly. His voice strained, changing slightly. "stop stop stop.. this isn't what we want." he muttered and then began to breathe quickly. His mind was in shambles, "SHUTUP RHUN!!" he screamed at himself, then threw his hands down and glared at Deskri again, tears in his eyes. "If you can handle yourself so much, then ******** do it!! I won't baby you anymore!! I refuse to!! Maybe that will make you happy!! Maybe then I can figure out what the ******** is so wrong with me!!" he was frozen, standing there, he refused to let his body leave but he couldn't figure what came next. "I'm tired of this s**t!! I'm trying. IM. ********. TRYING." he was trembling. "Just tell me to get out so I can leave and try my best to not love you. Because if this is what being in love is supposed to be, then I don't want any part of it.."
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Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2016 7:11 pm
Didn't give a s**t-- He reeled his head, expression one of absolute offense at the very suggestion. In an instant every heated bit of anger froze over. "Are you ******** serious right now?" His tone dropped - dangerously level. "Did you really just suggest that I never cared? Did you? Because we both know who did the most abandoning here, Rasiel. Don't even talk to me about caring because for someone who claims to love s**t so much you sure have a goddamn hard time sticking around when it ******** matters." A low blow, he knew it, but he'd done it on purpose. Perhaps this was a stupid idea all along -- no, it was a stupid idea all along. He'd never really be able to forgive that abandonment, and he'd certainly never forget it.
They were both too emotionally unstable for one another, and he could see that now. No, there wasn't anything left. They were never going to be happy with one another - not like this. Not so close - so dependent on one another to feel good. "I'm not going to tell you to get out of your own ******** house." He snapped, and waved a hand at him dismissively. "If anyone is leaving this house, it's me, I don't belong here - let's just face that truth right now." Angry as he was, the coldness of it all was clearing his head - allowing him to think.
"This isn't healthy. I came back here to be safe, this isn't safe. You made this place to be safe, this isn't safe. And the longer that you keep pretending to be two separate people, the more unsafe it's going to be. You need to face the reality that as much of an unstable s**t you are, you're also capable of being a pillar that people can flock to. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to put on the ******** mask and pretend to be someone else. That's not how it ******** works." God, his mouth might just dry out from all of the talking -- more talking than he'd done in so, so long.
"I am leaving this house. I'm leaving here for a while until I can calm the ******** down." He stepped forward, intending to move past Rasiel and then down the hallway to the bedroom where he could gather up the small few belongings he had...
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2016 8:07 pm
Raisel's eyes shifted slowly down toward to the floor, the regret setting in for his own words. As Deskri made a stab at his constant absence, he flinched. His heart was beating fast and there was a loud buzzing in his mind that began to roar up. He was in such a state of instability that he couldn't decide whether to feed off the energy and continue to spit it back or to throw himself right back into self-loathing.. so his mind shut down. His eyes stared endlessly, as he just listened. He couldn't do it. He couldn't keep fighting anymore. That's what Deskri wanted, right? To stop fighting. He took in every word that Deskri spoke of how this was unhealthy. This wasn't safe.
And now he's leaving you..
Stop him
Rasiel closed his eyes and just stood there. He couldn't find the words to speak, or the thoughts to process what he should do.
Good, don't come back.
It's not safe out there.
He felt like he had literally been stabbed repeatedly as he grabbed at his chest. If he didn't say something soon, Deskri was going to physically leave. But if he kept this up, there truly would be nothing left to salvage with Deskri. Either way, it was over. This was as bad as it gets.
Destroy the mask.. this isn't worth it.
They would find you so fast. Everyone would die because of you.
You're repeating your mistakes. Don't do this.
Rasiel placed a hand on his head, trying to sort the mess of voices in his mind. He felt like he could break and shatter into a thousands pieces any second at this rate. He had to say something, even if it wasn't to beg him to stay, he couldn't just stay silent. But what could he say to prove he was trying to be a better person, that he was trying to grow up, that he wasn't going to just keep spiraling out of control.
Nothing came.
Rasiel opened his eyes, cold, and intense. "If that's what you want to do, you are free to do so." he spoke emotionlessly. He couldn't muster the feelings to go with his statement, nothing was working anymore. He was just going to let him. As much as he had wanted to cling so desperately to a failing relationship, his biggest decision came with choosing to let him go. He was right, after all. This wasn't healthy at all. They'd destroy each other if he kept holding on so tightly. It would take a while, but he'd eventually find a way to distance himself.
So be it. I understand the path you've chosen.
What an interesting turn of events. But you'll break soon enough.
Rasiel then began to tense up again, but remained silent. He was too scared to say another word in fear that it would only keep making things worse, just as it always did. This time, he'd stop while he was ahead.
That's for the best.
Don't stay silent. Say something.
"I guess this is goodbye." he kept his head low, eyes averted to the ground still, he couldn't bear to watch him leave.
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