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 Posted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 11:18 am
dou you as a parent spank your kids if not what other methods do you use to disipline your kids
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 4:35 pm
My parents spanked me and I will be spanking my children. It's not an "all the time" thing. I think I was spanked maybe twice in my entire life. But those two times, I did really horrible things and I deserved it. I knew that if I pushed my parents too far, I might get spanked and that stopped me from doing a lot of stupid things I might otherwise have done.
But I also think that it can't be used too often. Like I said, I was only spanked twice and it was a BIG deal. My fiance and my best friend were both spanked (and beaten with belts and such) on a regular basis. Both thought nothing of it. To them, it was just a stupid punishment dolled out by unfair parents. So instead of fearing punishment as a consequence of misbehaviour, they hated punishment as a consequence of having "stupid parents." The more you use it, the less effective it is.
When it comes to discipline, though, I often find myself horrified by parents around me. I have a friend who will actually negotiate with her son about eating his food ("eat one more carrot and you can have desert!"). And, of course, all you get are children who know that they get more reward for less work if they just hold out a little longer. In my house, it was "eat your vegetables." There wasn't a bribe. It was an order. If I didn't comply, my tati would just get a book and sit at the table with me until I did. A couple days of eating cold/withered vegetables and I learned to finish my plate. No harsh punishments, no bribes, no begging, just get the book, sit, and wait it out. Because I was introduced to my tati's will fairly early on, there wasn't much questioning it. I don't remember ever holding out for too long because I know that it was totally useless.
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 4:58 pm
I have used spanking and hand smacks.
I say HAVE used because the last time I had to do either of those to my two year old was SERIOUSLY before I even became pregnant with my second child, which was way back in March.
She got spankings and hand smacks for things like reaching for the oven door while I was taking french fries out, bolting out into the parking lot when she was supposed to hold hands, etc. Anything that was wilful (meaning she knew was wrong, KNEW was wrong, but did anyway) and dangerous. Mostly it HAD to be something that was dangerous.
Now a good "No" will suffice. Sometimes time outs. She HAAAAAATTTEEEES time out.
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:12 pm
I'm the same way with Nopen. Spankings are to be reserved for dangerous things like trying to touch a hot stove or jerking from holding my hand while walking down the street. Something that they can get hurt, it needs an immediate understanding that it's dangerous.
Now that my son has hit almost 4, spankings are pretty much in the obsolete phase. Not that he doesn't get them rarely (I honestly can't recall when it was last), but time outs are much more effective now. He understands the concept of consequences and taking something away. Also, he'll kiss his hand and press it to his butt and go "ALL BETTER!" I've found that telling him I'm upset with him and I need time by myself while I cool off gets to him more.
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 9:42 am
We use time out and a quick smack on the butt. If its a little offense then he usually gets 5 to 10 minutes in timeout. Bigger offense's get a smack and 20 to 30 minutes and the really bad stuff which has only happened a couple times earned him 4-5 hours of timout. He ate lunch in timeout and I made him do things like clean his room and the like while he was being punished but he wasnt allowed to watch tv or play with his toys.
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 11:01 am
so what do you guys think of thise people who make it a point to say that kids shouldnt be spanked and then put down people who do use it as a form of disipline? (by the way im talking about people who havent had kids yet but think they know everything there is to know about raiseing one)
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 1:45 pm
RinoaRose so what do you guys think of thise people who make it a point to say that kids shouldnt be spanked and then put down people who do use it as a form of disipline? (by the way im talking about people who havent had kids yet but think they know everything there is to know about raiseing one) I don't know. I know plenty of parents who do a fantastic job who don't spank and believe that violence begets violence etc. And it has been shown that spanking/hand smacking does not last with a young child any longer than redirection does. HOWEVER, I know hand smacking and spanking works and I've seen my little HELLION of a nephew who got kicked out of TWO daycares because he just would not stop biting and hitting and his mom's mantra is "you can't solve violence with violence." But she's not doing a very damn good job of solving that child's violence at all regardless of how she's doing it. I think that people without kids, while they are allowed to comment on what is correct behavior for a child (I think we can all agree children should not be running around screaming and throwing things like a psychotic nutbar in ANY restaurant) I do not think they get any purchase in telling me what is the "best way" to discipline, especially since I think it differs from child to child anyway. Lots of little boys learn "laughing at the spanking" like Luna was describing early, and then it just doesn't work anymore. But lots of kids also learn ways of making time out fun or less effective as well. I think mainly, in summation, that punishments should always fit the crime. I have actually recently taken a toy of my daughter's and thrown it away. And taken it out to the dumpster, and it was gone, because she would not stop banging the walls with it. AND Second, a child should never be punished for being a kid. No punishments for whining, no punishments for having a meltdown because she can't do something, no punishments for spilling milk when she was being as careful as a two year old can be (running with a glass is a different matter). EDIT: Also, everyone who plans on kids but doesn't have them yet have all sorts of noble things they're not going to/going to do and I think all of us have just at some point given up on some thing we thought we WOULD. DO. when it came right down to the practical in the moment child raising.
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 2:57 pm
I agree with Nopen that every child is different and will respond to different kinds of disciplin. As long as the disciplin isn't harming the child (ie: bruising, broken arms, and the like), I am not one to judge.
I hate those kids who just sit in restaurants or stores and scream. And, like I said earlier, I'm absolutly horrified when parents will say things like "stop screaming and I will buy you a toy." It's rewarding the bad punishment. That kind pleading/bribing I really honestly hope I never do. I know all the ideals in the world mean very little when faced with real life situations (as you said, Nopen), but that's a line I really truly honestly do not ever ever want to cross.
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 5:01 pm
Quote: No punishments for whining, no punishments for having a meltdown because she can't do something, no punishments for spilling milk when she was being as careful as a two year old can be (running with a glass is a different matter). see i dont totally agree with this statement i feel that when you allow you child to whin or have a melt down just because they cant do what they want when they want you teach them that when they dont get their way it is acceptable for them to through tantrums believe me i have learnt this lesson from experionce my youngest was around 2 she went through that fass and i just let her whin and now that hse is 4 any time we tell her no she has a major melt down no matter where we are so we had to start disiplining her for it and now she has learnt to pick her battles wisely
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:33 pm
Well when I think of punishments I think of standing in a corner, or hand smacking etc.
I deal with whining and meltdowns by looking at her and saying: CALM DOWN. And not helping her until she does and when she asks for it etc.
I don't seem to have any problems with her as long as I make her communicate properly her needs. Sometimes it takes a bit of tantruming or whining before she'll calm down enough that I'll listen to her. Tantrums and whining are all about attention and if I listen to her or pay her any attention good or bad it will continue. I tell her to calm down, speak nicely, ask for help if she needs it and then ignore her.
I'm just saying, she's two and a meltdown every now and then because of frustration is expected and completely normal for a child of her age. I don't think I should yell at her and tell her to go stand with her nose on the wall or anything for being normal.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 7:37 am
Nopenname Well when I think of punishments I think of standing in a corner, or hand smacking etc. I deal with whining and meltdowns by looking at her and saying: CALM DOWN. And not helping her until she does and when she asks for it etc. I don't seem to have any problems with her as long as I make her communicate properly her needs. Sometimes it takes a bit of tantruming or whining before she'll calm down enough that I'll listen to her. Tantrums and whining are all about attention and if I listen to her or pay her any attention good or bad it will continue. I tell her to calm down, speak nicely, ask for help if she needs it and then ignore her. I'm just saying, she's two and a meltdown every now and then because of frustration is expected and completely normal for a child of her age. I don't think I should yell at her and tell her to go stand with her nose on the wall or anything for being normal. im not saying by any means that you should yell at her im just saying that if you dont teach her now how to deal with her emotions rather than having a melt down it could come back to bit you in the a** like it did me but now that we have taught alyssa to use her words and her "i" statements we have fewer meltdowns and let me tell you its wonderful now i can take her out and not have to worry about her feaking out
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 10:17 am
Kukushka I agree with Nopen that every child is different and will respond to different kinds of disciplin. As long as the disciplin isn't harming the child (ie: bruising, broken arms, and the like), I am not one to judge. I hate those kids who just sit in restaurants or stores and scream. And, like I said earlier, I'm absolutly horrified when parents will say things like "stop screaming and I will buy you a toy." It's rewarding the bad punishment. That kind pleading/bribing I really honestly hope I never do. I know all the ideals in the world mean very little when faced with real life situations (as you said, Nopen), but that's a line I really truly honestly do not ever ever want to cross. We do a little bit of bribing but its not to stop negative behavior its to make good behavior more appealing. EX: "If you clean your room all by yourself daddy will bring you home a treat" We also have a potty chart and if he goes a specific amount of times per week he gets a new toy or money for his piggy bank.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 10:22 am
RinoaRose Nopenname Well when I think of punishments I think of standing in a corner, or hand smacking etc. I deal with whining and meltdowns by looking at her and saying: CALM DOWN. And not helping her until she does and when she asks for it etc. I don't seem to have any problems with her as long as I make her communicate properly her needs. Sometimes it takes a bit of tantruming or whining before she'll calm down enough that I'll listen to her. Tantrums and whining are all about attention and if I listen to her or pay her any attention good or bad it will continue. I tell her to calm down, speak nicely, ask for help if she needs it and then ignore her. I'm just saying, she's two and a meltdown every now and then because of frustration is expected and completely normal for a child of her age. I don't think I should yell at her and tell her to go stand with her nose on the wall or anything for being normal. im not saying by any means that you should yell at her im just saying that if you dont teach her now how to deal with her emotions rather than having a melt down it could come back to bit you in the a** like it did me but now that we have taught alyssa to use her words and her "i" statements we have fewer meltdowns and let me tell you its wonderful now i can take her out and not have to worry about her feaking out We dont have "meltdowns" I was not going to have that sort of behavior from him. He did it once and I looked him straight in the eye and said "you stop right now you will never get what you want that way and if you ever act that way again you will lose movies, toys, and the park" He never did it again my son is very well behaved we do not abuse him or anything of the like yet he knows who is boss.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 10:58 am
I think it's a bit unrealistic to say that a child should never have a tantrum or a meltdown. I know people like Kukushka don't like children who scream in restaurants and the such, but I refuse to give my child the attention, negative or otherwise, when he is being like that. Usually we go to the bathroom or car till he gets it worked out. I know it's probably different from most, but I don't care about the nasty stares or people like or disliking how I discipline my child in public.
For the most part, my son is well behaved, but like every single child, he has his shining moments. I personally do not like using scare tactics either when it comes to disciplining. I don't threaten to throw things away (not that in a heat of an arguement I haven't said that!). I do have a reward and consquence thing going on with him. Of course, that's not something that would have worked when he was 2 or 18 months. At the end of the week, depending on his behavior and if he's done his chores, he gets a reward. Sometimes it's a playdate, toy, etc. So, if he does start acting out he gets a reminder of his reward for the end of the week or told if I count to 3 and it doesn't stop, he's going in a timeout.
Also, it's a bit different because my son is prone to getting extremely frustrated because he has a speech delay.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 12:57 pm
lunashock I think it's a bit unrealistic to say that a child should never have a tantrum or a meltdown. I know people like Kukushka don't like children who scream in restaurants and the such, but I refuse to give my child the attention, negative or otherwise, when he is being like that. Usually we go to the bathroom or car till he gets it worked out. I know it's probably different from most, but I don't care about the nasty stares or people like or disliking how I discipline my child in public. For the most part, my son is well behaved, but like every single child, he has his shining moments. I personally do not like using scare tactics either when it comes to disciplining. I don't threaten to throw things away (not that in a heat of an arguement I haven't said that!). I do have a reward and consquence thing going on with him. Of course, that's not something that would have worked when he was 2 or 18 months. At the end of the week, depending on his behavior and if he's done his chores, he gets a reward. Sometimes it's a playdate, toy, etc. So, if he does start acting out he gets a reminder of his reward for the end of the week or told if I count to 3 and it doesn't stop, he's going in a timeout. Also, it's a bit different because my son is prone to getting extremely frustrated because he has a speech delay. what we do with alyssa now is tell her that no one is going to help her until she can ask nicely and most of the time she will stop screaming and ask nicely but if she continues to scream we will take her in the room and put her on the bed and tell her she cant come out until she can behave like a big girl and after about 2 minutes in the room she will stop and come out and tell me she is sorry
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