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 Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 6:19 pm
Harrison sighed. He didn't turn off his phone, but he handed it over to Rep, putting his hands behind his head and laying back against the bed to glower at the ceiling.
"I don't know, man. I feel like...hell, I dunno. Like a roll of toothpaste that gets thrown in when somebody orders a TV."
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 6:33 pm
Rep took the phone and eyed it, raising a brow while he daintily flicked down through the long list of direct messages. He didn't say anything for a bit, stopping only to push his glasses back up his nose.
When he was done, he locked the screen and sighed heavily, handing it back over.
"I never ******** understood that part of the deal. I never brought you up to him you know, I never said "Harrison said so and so", I never presume to ever put words in your mouth. But people assume I did anyway." Rep hated it when people used Harrison against him in that way, taking up assumptions about what the other man would do or say and throwing it at him in arguments. They were almost always wrong.
"I don't know why he assumed that like, because I couldn't handle it, you couldn't. I felt bad about that you know, when you were really broken up about it like, I felt like it was my fault, but I never put words in your mouth I just didn't." he frowned. "And it sounds like bullshit to me like, him saying he'd have broken up with you anyway."
He paused uncomfortably, always restless and uncertain when he brushed up against on of his internal contradictions - in this case the statement that Jordan had been the one to cause the breakup. He set it aside and went on. "He wouldn't have left if he wasn't pushed and pushed really ******** hard. He'd never have ******** left you if he hadn't fought with me and I don't know what the ******** he's talking about saying otherwise."
Leaning his head on one side, he gave Harrison a sidelong look. "I think he is trying though. He just is really no ******** good at just manning up and sticking by his guns. He does a lot of saying what other people want to hear and can't understand like the whole sycophant thing isn't your bag. He's trying to make things up with you, or it reads like it anyway."
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 6:45 pm
"Yeah, I know you didn't say anything about me. I know he's trying. I guess I should have known he'd regret it and want to come back, when I was being all sore about it. It probably would have taken him a lot less time- but... I guess that was the heart of it. What we just talked over. And...yeah, it's bullshit. That it wasn't over you. At least, I think-" Harrison shook his head, "but even if it was. He said it wouldn't be, if we tried again."
Harrison added cynically, "To be real ******** fair, I think I probably could have asked him for the hope diamond and the deed to Russia and he would have said okay. ...What does he want with me, anyway? I've done nothing but b***h at him and be sour since we broke it off. ...You're the one who's been friendly. Not me."
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 7:04 pm
"He's ********> flighty." Rep said. "I think there's a lot of ******** times where he'd like to just come right out and do things but he just doesn't. He's like.. avoidant instead. But its no from a lack of will to do that s**t you know? Like even during the breakup he probably just ******** chickened out of confronting you, too scared to deal with it if you said like, no I don't want you around. His pride wouldn't have been able to ******** handle it so he just avoided hearing it." He moved over to sit nearer Harrison, wordlessly setting his shoulder against the other man's. "His problem is like. He thinks he's really smart. He does - you know it - you know him as well as I do. He's all like books and corrections and whatever the ******** else, but he didn't understand us. That's a huge ******** blow for someone who thinks they are saavy and have everything worked out. He probably wanted to lick his wounds, and that's why he preferred to just like, think that you disliked him and wanted him gone. It ******** sucked for you, to think you could be dropped like that, but I don't think it was like, intentional, it was him convincing himself the best ******** thing he could do was to get out of your way. It was ******** wrong as s**t, but I sure as ******** bet it made sense to him at the time. You know I get the same way when I'm hurt, lose perspective and sense and need to be ******** slapped with some sense to sort me out."
"And you probably could have asked him for ******** anything." he said with a smirk and thought to himself Except sex. "Like I said, he's trying, and his idea of reaching out to other people is trying very hard to say exactly what they want to hear. It's like, how he ******** functions. He can't understand that people can't trust the person who only mirrors them, it hides the emotions underneath. He's making it tough to tell what he really thinks by trying real hard."
"As for what he wants, well he said he wants like, a relationship again and I figures he still thinks its both of us or neither. He says he misses you too, I can't comment on that though, I never really like understood your relationship. It predated me. I was like, the intruder on it." He didn't elaborate that he had also been almost deliberately ignorant of the dynamics between the two even while they were in a relationship because the sheer jealousy involved had been almost intolerable to him.
"It's tough. I didn't mean to start this whole, knot of trouble, I was just sending him some stupid texts."
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 9:42 pm
"It predated you by a week. And it was like- I don't know. Every time Jordan and me talked was doped out of my mind. One time we were both six years old. Thought I was a princess- that happened twice. Mistletoe started raining out of the sky and I would have kissed anything. Maybe it was the same for him. We kissed each other. It was nice. He thought it was nice. Even though my mouth was messed up. It wasn't long after I got-" Harrison gestured to his mouth, chin, and neck, "my confidence wasn't too good. Anyway, he was cute, but I didn't know him too good then. I just kept making an idiot of myself whenever he was around. We went on a mission with Jerry, and the whole house was filled up with b...b- well, you know. I threw up. Real smooth, I know. ...He was into Jerry, I couldn't ******** understand it, and Jerry- rejected him, I guess. And then he started getting close to you- you guys- slept together or talked or whatever went on. We only hung out once or twice. The second time, we found out about having two weeks to live. The party was right after that. You shot me down. Jordan and I hooked up. It was okay, even if I was ******** up while he was sober again. Mostly hand stuff. I was too drunk for anything else. We hooked up over the week too, when we were both sober. Then we went on mission. He held my hand, after Julie. Said he'd wait for me. But when I got there, he'd crawled in bed with you, and there wasn't any room. That s**t- we didn't have to have a relationship. It could have just been ********. He didn't have to hold my hand, or tell me he'd wait. But I was scared, and ******** tired, and I just pulled a bunk over. That's it, that's everything outside of you. It wasn't ever- s**t, I mean, not like our story's all soaring cupids and harpsichords either. We didn't know each other very long, it was just every time you were around-"
Harrison wrung his hands, looking up at Rep helplessly.
"Well, I don't know, maybe it was cupids and harpsichords. Anyway, we all got to know each other. Jordan is smart. And I loved him. And I did what I could- I...know, I ********- I made choices. When you both ran off, I chose you over him. And I know it's ******** up, and it- gets to a guy. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. It wasn't right, to put him in that position, but he wants right back to it. I don't know what he wants from me. I don't...s**t, I just don't understand."
Harrison was getting upset, and he wiped his eyes with the palm of his hand.
"You're an a*****e," he said, "you're an a*****e if you just want to ******** him. Maybe we're both assholes. I think he just left because he thought you wanted him to. And now he's coming back because he thinks you want that now. Why does it got to involve me. Why does he got to act like -like I matter?"
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 10:10 pm
Rep listened with the kind of open attentiveness he reserved only for Harrison as the other man recounted his relationship with Jordan. To Rep it had always felt insurmountable, a solid foundation that ran roots impossibly deep and beyond him, he'd been so sure he didn't have a hope, that he'd been denied true happiness by another cruel whim of life - the simple fact he'd gotten to the island too late. But somehow it had worked out, but something had gone wrong somewhere, maybe it was the pace, maybe it was the inherent splinter of inequality that lay in him, but it had been doomed. Harrison had tried, and it hurt to watch him hurting over how much he'd tried and over the moments when he'd felt left behind.
"You can't fault him for those times." he said calmly. "I mean, you can. But he didn't know. I could say the same, I could say I didn't know where I stood when you kissed me at that party, that you didn't need to do that, you didn't need to make it what it was to me. I wished you hadn't back then, I wished I could make you take it ******** back. I knew if I opened the door, you'd be gone and you'd be with him. I was scared too then. It was all my problems, all my like... all the darkness. And I was alone." He swallowed audibly. "You didn't know. He didn't know either, you say he didn't know you then, it was just a mistake. He made mistakes, but maybe he could have unlearned them, maybe."
He reached out and ran his hands through Harrison's hair, gently soothing. "I'm no saying you weren't right to feel hurt, but things are always complicated. I'm no saying you need to want to do it again either." The truth of the other man's words as far as choosing did drive home. "I thought both of you were together, that I was second, that the choice was already made and yet I stayed, so I can't fault him either, I'd rather live for ever on the ******** scraps from your table than be alone again. That's all I ******** wanted and maybe that's all he wants too. It's harsh, but maybe it's his reasoning."
In an almost feline gesture he let his hand drop and rubbed his cheek against Harrison's shoulder reassuringly. "I am an a*****e." he said. "Everyone ******** knows it, even I know it. I want him to be happy mostly, happy and mine." he closed his eyes. "I'm thinking, and it's shitty - but you know who I am - that I'd rather he was with us, the people he wants to be with no matter what he has to deal with, than someone else who is going to take advantage of that need - that maybe I taught him, maybe life taught him - to be ******** kicked and loved in equal measure. But I'm no asking you to hurt, I'm no asking you to give something you don't want to give or trust where you are so sure you can't trust any longer."
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 10:49 pm
"I would have waited if I'd known," Harrison said quietly.
Harrison lay back against Rep.
"I don't know what I want. You've mostly been pitching for this s**t. You got any ground rules? s**t you're going to be upset about later?"
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 10:53 pm
Rep wrapped his arms around Harrison and buried his face against him. "I know you would have." he murmured, heavy with affection. "I'm no blaming you, sometimes s**t just happens and that's all it is, s**t that happened, you can't change it or fight it, just try your damnedest to make sure it doesn't again. There's no point in regrets, I know now what I didn't know then and everything happened for a reason, I think."
He trailed lazy kisses across his neck as he went on. "Ground rules? Like what? How specific can I be?"
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 11:12 pm
"Real specific," Harrison said, melancholy and not too relaxed. He felt tight about everything.
"Like what's okay and what's not. Just what you're thinking."
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 11:16 pm
"Do I get to say I don't want anyone topping you but me?" he said in an idle sort of way. "That maybe I'd rather you were just mine? I'm no good at rules, you know that. He doesn't want to ******** me without a full relationship, he's got this all or nothing thing, and he seems to think you are part of that package." He made a noise of irritation.
"And I don't want to force you into anything, if you aren't ok with things then those things won't happen."
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 11:50 pm
"No topping? I dunno. Maybe I'm not in the best headspace to negotiate either. s**t. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. I dunno- I..."
Harrison curled up against Rep.
"Why'd you start talking like that with him in the first place? You got bored? I like it fine with just us. And s**t, I'm like...fine, you know, sleep with him. Lie to him. Hurt him. I don't care about it anymore. And I'm supposed to start back up a relationship when I feel that way about a guy? I don't want to. Then I talk to him, and I'm like, I know he's just saying exactly what I want to hear. But I'm like, maybe it'll be okay this time anyhow. Then I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to ******** him up. I don't want to sleep together- but we talk. And I remember all the s**t from before..."
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Posted: Tue May 19, 2015 12:09 am
Rep looked confused because he was. It was impossible for him to navigate even the concept of being bored with Harrison in any way shape or form, it would be like being bored of breathing, being bored of your heart beating, for him the relationship they had was a factual point in existence that could not be shifted. "I talked with him like that because like.. I don't know man. I feel shitty, it's like I told you, every time he says something on twitter, every time he does anything, it hurts me. I think there goes that guy whose life I ruined and ruin every ******** day but not being able to be more than I ******** am." And it was his turn to curl back, squeezing Harrison tightly. "I'm not doing well right now man, I'm just no. I feel like all I do is ruin everything and just make people ******** hate me. I'm just negativity. I spoke to him because like, when I flirt with him its almost like how it was, he seems happy and flattered and s**t. The banter makes people feel better, it makes them feel sexy, I feel sexy when someone says they'd sleep with me. I want to make him better but I can't. I thought I was doing a good thing."
"Look, I love you, I love you so so ******** much. I'm no bored of you, I want to spend for ******** ever with you, I'm no missing anything. And you don't, you don't need to start a relationship back up. That's no what I was saying, I don't even ******** know what I want, I didn't want things to escalate like this. I don't want you to get involved. I ..."
He clenched his hands against Harrison.
"I need you. I need you to stop me."
"If this was just me, I'd do what I wanted to do. I'd tell him anything, ******** anything just to sleep with him and then I'd go back to the way it was, I'd ******** him over. Even after he's told me he couldn't recover from something like that, even after I know it'd really finish him off. I'd still do it and I don't ******** know why. It's no love, it's something else, it's some part of me that just wants a kick of power and then to move on. I just use people up, I use them up and spit them out, I'm ******** horrible. And I do it all to avoid getting hurt myself. I want to keep him on a leash because I can't handle the ******** idea of him with someone else, someone else taking advantage of all the good things he has to offer. He's strong, he's smart, he's loyal, he is a good ******** guy on an island lacking in them."
"I'm scared is what it is. I'm scared of pain. I'm scared of the pain that I'd ******** feel seeing someone else take advantage of him with my blessing, of having to see that every ******** day on the island, the ******** pain of letting him go and ripping out my own pride to tell him that it's over and over for good. We can't get away from each other on this island, I'd need to tolerate that for ever and know that they'd be talking about me and that everyone else would be like oh good ******** JOB Jordan kicking that bad ******** habit that was Rep."
He fell silent for a few long minutes. "I don't mind hurting me, I don't mind lying and giving up my ******** body to make other people happy, that doesn't bother me. But I didn't want to hurt you with this, I never ever want to ******** hurt you. I just want to be with you, you and me. I never know what I want, but if .. if you want me to like.. cut it off then I can. I know its cut off officially but."
He pressed his face to Harrison's chest. "The leash. Then I can. I just wanted him to be happy."
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2015 8:53 pm
"I don't know," Harrison said, soft, "I don't get it. How come...after all this time...it's been near a year. He's not been with anybody else. I told him he should. Hell, I wouldn't have held it against him. I know we're all he's been with, but s**t, a guy's got needs, doesn't he? I got exes, but it didn't turn me into a ******** monk. And I'm not going to sleep with the guy because I feel sorry for him, hell, and I don't think you should either, but a year? A year of that s**t? Why, what for?"
He seemed to consider something, and announced with great consternation and a little bit of anger, " ...Or, ********. Was that you, too? Jesus. Doesn't matter what I say. Why did he say it would next time? Why don't you just get him a ******** bell and whistle and train him to sit with one and beg with the other."
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2015 9:05 pm
"I think he maybe knew." Rep said slowly. "That if he slept with anyone else, any chance he had would be gone for ever. He felt strongly enough about that slim chance that he stuck around, that he proved how important it was. I mean you wouldn't hold it against him, but I would. If he ******** someone who wasn't us... well it'd be over." He made a disgusted face. "He'd be ******** tainted, he'd no longer be like, desirable or someone I'd want, he'd have been in and with some stranger." He couldn't help the shudder at the thought. "It's just. Its like I keep telling you, I don't want someone else to get him or I didn't. And I don't mind sleeping with people I feel sorry for." He did seem a little rankled at the mention of exes but he didn't follow up on them too intently.
He gave the other man a sideways glance. "I never did get to train him to beg though."
"In all seriousness, I think he listened to me because its easier to listen to my translation of you than to...really understand you."
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2015 9:35 pm
"Understand me? I'm not a 5000 piece rubix cube. I'm not a mystery dungeon. You know, I say s**t, that's the s**t I wanted to say. I'm hurt, I want to get fixed up. I enjoy s**t- I mean, I feel like I'm clear on that too. You know what, he said the same s**t. I needed to communicate when I didn't like something. That was his solo request. Maybe he's right. I mean, here I am bitching again. But if he asked, I'd tell him the same s**t. I've told him the same s**t every time, in every way I can think of. I don't want him to beg. I don't want any s**t from him, except for him to function and walk on his own two legs and maybe give you s**t from time to time."
Harrison sobered.
"Maybe it's more serious. Maybe it's more complicated. Like...you know, wanting him to care- or look after- and he did, some. s**t, maybe I'm- I don't know. Maybe I can't say it. Say what made it feel like he didn't care like, enough. He'd die for both of us. I know that. He put it all on the line a few times. Went after me when I was in that coma. Don't have any doubt if we were in trouble, he'd go after us and give up everything for it. But sometimes it felt like that part of him was cheap. Like he'd throw it away for any old s**t. I mean, it means a lot to me, but to him- the s**t that was hard was...confronting s**t. Conflict. You laying into him. What he didn't have was endurance."
Harrison scowled out the word.
"Rolling over. Leaving. Dying. All that was easy. And maybe that's...the ******** disconnect. Like you, s**t, man. You don't let go of s**t. You're like one of those dogs that hangs on by the throat until you or what you're hanging on to is dead. That's- I mean that's the first time we connected. You were in those sewers. You weren't hitting s**t. And even with those things hitting your shield- I mean, everybody else did a couple of swings, and gave up. But you kept hitting- and hitting, and hitting. And I feel like I've been walking uphill- the same ******** hill, my whole life. But I know where I'm going. I'll walk as long as I got to. And I know you're going to walk with me. And every time he gives up just because you bark at him it makes me so...so ******** angry. Like if it mattered, he'd keep walking. ...I told him this before. It's nothing he can fix. It's wired in, and he just-"
Harrison splayed his fingers.
"Short-circuits. But it's like- how can listening to you, doing everything we ask him to do- I mean, I asked him to talk it out with you, and he did. It's not like he ******** turns me down. You told him to leave, he left. You asked him to come back, he's waiting patiently at the ******** foot of the door, asking for permission. How come it doesn't work? It should be a good thing, right?"
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