Welcome to my dorm thread. As stated above, this is a tidy thread and will be kept neatly trimmed, formatted and maintained (I hope). There's only a few rules I want to set in place for anybody who wants to give input, and they're really more like guidelines anyway. Here we go --
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GIVING / GETTING INPUT
While I will be updating this thread periodically with basic content about what passes through my mind, what questions I ask myself, what new things I learn and come across, etc., feel free to comment or to give/share an opinion of your own. Jut please keep it somewhat relevant and, if you can, quote what you're referencing. For example:
My post: "So today I found something interesting about frogs. Apparently they exude mucus through their skin and use it as a sort of protective covering and then shed it and eat it every so often. There's also a type of frog that places her eggs on her back and grows skin over them, and when the babies hatch they burrow back out. Definitely a nightmare for any trypophobiac who's into pondlife biology."
Your post: "Lawrence Eugene wrote:Definitely a nightmare for any trypophobiac...
s**t, I'm a biology major and I have some serious trypophobia. Could you give me the name or classification of this particular type of frog so I can avoid it at all costs?"
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BEING NICE
While cursing and being a troll is something a lot of us proudly excel at, I'd like to keep the tone civil and honest. I don't expect any issues, but I just want to make sure it's stated in case anything comes up later on. I am not completely knowledgeable about the trans-sphere, so please bear with me and feel free to set me straight on anything I'm misinformed about.
x Lastly...
I DON'T KNOW SHIT
This is not an advice thing, nor is it a journal of some wonderous journey into manhood; the majority of this is just me being (or trying to be) me. This is my playroom. I'm just a blind, uninformed genderfluid feeling my way around in the dark right now, and I'm here in this dormitory because I want to share my experience as honestly as possible while still remaining out of the way of other, more group-oriented threads. Here is where I can experiment and openly consider my gender identity and, y'know, generally d**k around (hopefully) without getting in the way of the guild's primary agenda or offending anyone.
However, if you are interested in getting to know me and/or helping me to better understand the trans-sphere, you've come to the right place.
I'm going to post this link here real fast so I don't lose it. I'd encourage anyone considering FtM crossplay or crossdress to read it, as it was very informative to me and gave me a few things to think about that I hadn't really thought about before as far as FtM transitioning goes. It also contains some very helpful links ranging from fitness guidance and many, many sources for chest binder advice to websites where you can order men's business clothes online or learn the proper, "barber's" terminology for various male haircuts.
So I overthink things a lot -- I'll be the first to admit it -- but I've started becoming more and more certain that FtM is the way I want to go with my life. Of course, I have a long way to go before I can afford transitioning, so there's ample time to give it a second thought, but I've started talking to selected friends and family members I consider least likely to judge and have told them that I'm seriously considering FtM fo' realz (LOL).
I haven't told my roommates yet, but they are already aware that I'm genderfluid. I'm reluctant to tell them about my being FtM so early on because one of them knew me way back when I was very conservative and not exactly knowledgeable about any kind of sexual identity other than straight and gay, and she takes a lot of credit for my advancing knowledge. Because of this, she may be likely to take credit for my recognition of my masculine leanings, which would then cast doubt on my decision for me because I would then wonder if it was because of her and not me that I made that decision.
TL;DR It's complicated. Isn't it always? LOL
Here's a bad-a** picture of a cosplay I'm making for next year's Comicpalooza. I'm going to make the majority of it, particularly the collar and wrist warmer; I'm just not sure if I want to sew it or crochet it.
I've fallen victim -- again -- to a repeated guilty pleasure that I literally feel ashamed to enjoy for some reason. It may be because it's not that popular and there's only one post on Tumblr that has anything at all to do with it... It could also be because it's a hilarious (and sometimes cringe-worthy) children's sci fi show from the 1970's that was so full of itself that some promo shots included John Pertwee's Doctor (No. 3, for you not-nerds) as if to indicate that it could ever hold a candle to the glorious behemoth that is (still) "Doctor Who".
wahmbulance RANT ABOUT THE HISTORY OF "THE TOMORROW PEOPLE"wahmbulance
The biggest difference between these two shows is that while "Doctor Who" has lived on for fifty years as the same linear TV show (mostly), "The Tomorrow People" suffered the fate that "Doctor Who" almost did in the 90's: it got remade by Americans. ******** you, Nickelodeon; I reject your stupid remake and substitute it with the stupid original, because at least the stupid original had John, Stephen and Elizabeth. And TIM.
The 90's show eventually croaked as well, and then got remade again not too long ago. Thank ******** everything it died an early death, because just from watching the trailers I could tell this was not the "Tomorrow People" I knew and loved. Instead of jaunting nicely and quietly, there were shiny, flashy effects that even people in the 1970s knew were stupid and unnecessary. There were scenes of violence -- What? Homo Superior picking a fight? What happened to the prime barrier? What madness is this!? -- and, worst of all, Jedekiah. Oh, my god, Jedekiah, what did they do to you, my beautiful clunky shape-shifting old-man-faced war machine?
That and the Tomorrow People weren't kids anymore. What the hell?
So anyway.
The original "Tomorrow People" series was something I got into not long after the TV was reintroduced into my childhood. I was about thirteen years old and Mom was having a happy heyday introducing us to all of her childhood favorites, as well as a few series from her era that piqued her interest, "The Tomorrow People" being one of them. She found it in some dusty old corner of the local library (I exaggerate; my hometown library is very clean and well kept) and brought it home, watched it, decided it was a bit silly for her tastes and left it on top of the DVD player for us little ones to watch while she was away doing something productive. The series immediately had me and I watched all the serials on the DVD over and over until it had to be returned.
Then I forgot about it.
So a few years ago, I was talking to my big sister about stupid s**t we used to do, and I suddenly remembered a scene from the second serial. It was on the tip of my tongue and I had to Google it. Finally, after several different rewordings of "telepathic kids in Britain fight shape-changing robot who time travels through space 1970", I rediscovered "The Tomorrow People" and I immediately embarked on a journey through Memory Lane.
The show was not as good as I remembered it being. In fact, it was pretty ******** hilariously awful, and definitely dated as hell. From the flared jeans to the stupid sweaters, from the fluffy haircuts to the craptastic special effects, this thing was ba-a-a-ad... but I loved it, and I still do.
Problem: Nobody else loves it. Nobody else even remembers it existed, hardly. I have to dig and dig in order to find any screen captures or fan art or anything related to it, and even then I sometimes have to make it up myself. There are only one or two fan fics on FanFiction.net focused on the original series, and every time I talk about the show in public, I get awkwardly stared at; god forbid I be brave enough to show my friends a clip or two.
Nevertheless, I love it. I'm admittedly obsessed with it, no matter how embarrassed I am to talk about it or wish I could have some TP merch hidden away in my closet where potentially judging eyes would never see it. Some people obsess over "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"; some people obsess over "Thundercats"; some people obsess over "Dark Shadows"; I've been obsessing over "The Tomorrow People" for three years now, all by myself, and it's a very lonely feeling.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I'm off to listen to metal music and maybe go watch some "Tomorrow People".
BTW: "Sapphire and Steel" is also amazing and considerably more bad-a**, with some freaky moments that are genuinely freaky and some kick-a** moments that are genuinely kick-a**. I demand they continue the series or reboot it faithfully or something.
So I was googling "Santoro Cute Bunny" in search of Matthew Santoro's video on driving peeves (watch the video to get the reference) and, instead, discovered the cutest little art series since... Hell, I don't know. Just look at it!
So apparently I not only talk in my sleep; I also have waking dreams and visions and I have allegedly said some pretty hilarious s**t while sleeping. Just today, my mother was telling me that she had two fully coherent interactions with me while I was sleeping, during one of which she gave me a sticky note with an important phone number on it and another of which she told me that my roommate was on her way to come visit and I said something about Christopher Columbus and smallpox towels.
Following this, my roommate, who was part of the conversation, informed me that at least twice in our friendship she has tried to wake me up only to have me put my hand on her face and say, "Shh, shh... Go to sleep." ("Excuse me, sir, this is not up for discussion!")
It turns out that this is genetic. My mother told us both that one time, my father was returning to bed after using the restroom and she scared the hell out of him by suddenly sitting up in the dark, pointing a finger in his direction and saying clearly, "Get thee out!" My little brother also startled Mom one time while he was sleeping at the foot of her bed by suddenly sitting up, pointing at the ceiling and mumbling things like, "Yeah, you do that and I'll stay here and keep an eye on this," and "You need to turn around the thingy and fix this thing because we're gonna save them all." According to my mother, she then asked, "John, are you okay?" only to have him look in her direction and say, "Yeah, yeah... We got this."
Backing this up is a story I heard from another friend of mine when we were kids, when she told me after a sleepover that I slept like a puppy. When I asked for clarification, she said that I tended to stay still for long periods of time before suddenly spazzing or jumping for a second or two and then going back to my comatose-log state. I also woke up one morning during my high school years to be told that I needed to apologize for kicking my big sister in the face when she tried to wake me up.
It seems like my roommates are going to have a lot of fun. XD
Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 7:01 pm
12.5.14
Guess what, guys! My third exam in Minorities Studies is going to be an absolute breeze! My professor announced that, in light of the fact that her customized tests suck a**, she is now making the third exam a two-page paper on how a certain group, selected by the student, is discriminated against in modern society. She specified that this paper was to be written "from the heart", meaning that she doesn't require any citation or APA/MLA-specific formatting beyond the bare minimum.
I'm tied between writing my paper on atheism and LGBTQ... although, considering that my teacher's a die-hard Christian, it may be wiser to write on LGBTQ, as pointing out the struggles of science-lovers and fact-checkers in a world obsessed with fear and fairy tales may rub her the wrong way. I'm going to start writing my paper in a bit, as it's due this Wednesday, but yeah... If anybody reading this wants to pitch in ideas for the paper, feel free to post a response!
ALSO -- Here's the finished product of that ink-and-grid-paper sketch I was posting about.
I just saw my little brother do that weird dream-acting thing just now. It's 5:05AM. Only a few minutes ago, he suddenly put his hand in the air like he was pushing somebody off of him and said, "No... No, you need to back off. You're not supposed to do that, you're disrespecting a dead body." He then sat up, said again, "You're disrespecting a dead body; that's not allowed." After this, he opened his eyes, blinked a couple times, and went back to sleep.
Well then.
BTW, I drew another thing.
Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2014 1:56 am
12.10.14
I was going through some self-doubt recently concerning my gender identity. Once again, I was questioning if there was a question about my gender identity in the first place, worrying that maybe this was the extroverted half of me trying to grab attention and get a rise out of people and make myself feel important or unique. My basis for this worry was that, all things concerned, I don't hate myself. I don't look in the mirror and wish I had a d**k. I'm not against wearing cosmetics or wearing cute or bright clothing. All of my legit male clothing comes from attractive and well-known subcultural designs like goth, steampunk, etc. I enjoy using cosmetics to accent parts of my face and to add or take away color. I want to cut my hair in a loud and expressive style, something primped, dyed and shaved.
Maybe that's my inner girl saying, "Hey, recognize me. Here I am. You liked drawing rainbow-colored horses as a kid; you like having rainbow-colored hair today. Nothing's different. You're a girl."
Then again, maybe it's not about gender. Maybe it's just my being Lawrence, loving color and style and loud expression, being a fan of drama, creativity and the visual arts. Perhaps society's expectations of how a girl and a boy should act is affecting the way I look at myself and my own gender.
As usual, when I start feeling doubtful about my gender, I went and looked up some K-Pop videos and images of male visual kei models. Just look at this glorious s**t. Guys with shaggy, stylized, bleach-fried hair, chains and buckles and pretty clothing, plaids and collars, mid-thigh shorts, leg warmers and, to top it all off, beautiful and well-utilized eyeliner. Visual kei is one of the flashiest yet darkest styles I've seen online and I love it. It's everything that I'm about, and it's perfectly okay for a guy to wear that style and like it.
Also, look at these guys. This is the relatively young K-Pop boy group NU'EST, and I could easily see myself wearing my hair and clothing this way any day. It's also pretty obvious that they're wearing BB cream and eye liner.
Nobody questions their gender identity when they perform, yet if you slapped a pair of tits on any of these guys (Ren in particular), common society would probably assume that they wore that style of clothing and used makeup because they were female and it was the girly thing to do.
I admittedly look to Korean and Japanese pop culture for fashion guidance because of this very thing. It's not considered the norm in those countries for guys to wear eyeliner and pink plaid in their daily life, of course, and when somebody does wear that kind of clothing anywhere, it's typically assumed that they're a fashion model or a popular music star or something. Why? I don't know why. It's simply more accepted for guys to dress this way if they're famous, I guess. They still get away with it, though, and I love that.
Ask anybody who knows me in real life and they will tell you: I have always loved to dress like a star. I like to look good; I like to leave an impression and bring color and contrast to an otherwise very tepid and unimpressive world. I like to leave a pretty picture.
Males can feel this way too. Males can wear colors, corsets and cosmetics too and a transmale shouldn't feel any less male because of their fashion choice. It's okay. It's not something that should be squashed just because the male who wears laces and platform shoes happens to have been born female and wants to be accepted as the appropriate gender in society.
On another note, I bought a couple new binders today and have decided to give my remaining corset to my little sister. She'll use it a lot more than I will. I may continue to invest in corsets, but the aesthetic I'm aiming for is a little more like this or this and a little less like this.
In three days of having my parents' house entirely to myself, with nobody standing in my way and less than seven days before I fly out to a brand new apartment in a whole other state, I have successfully accomplished:
⋆ Nothing.
ALSO -- A very happy birthday to one of my greatest role models in the world of entertainment, popular Korean band SHINee's leader Onew (AKA Lee Jinki). Happy twenty-sixth, buddy. I'll never be as famous as you are, but maybe someday I'll be just as funny, inspiring and talented a leader. Saengil chukha hamnida!
