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Heidi glanced at her door and frowned. She turned her phone off, tossed it aside, and curled up in the corner of her bed where it met with the corner of her room. She sighed quietly and closed her eyes, combing her fingers through her hair and rubbing her temples. Tuck was outside, she had to be quiet. Her legs curled, arms moving to hug her knees and she buried her face against them. She didn't cry, no, she just needed quiet. She needed time to recover.

She felt like an idiot.

It had just been a joke at first. A silly little thing. He had said nothing had changed other than he didn't want her to feel chained down by him. Heidi had assumed..

Was she wrong?

I'ma end up feeling worse, he'd said. I'm sorry sleeping with me makes you feel bad, Heidi thought bitterly. She sat up sharply and rubbed her face, her breath shaky as she sniffed and climbed out of bed. It had been fifteen minutes, something she only knew because she glanced at her clock. Her phone was still turned off.

She changed, tossing on a set of pajamas and finally trudging to the door. She unlocked it, having run over and locked it the first time Tuck said he was coming over. If he had let himself in before she was ready she wouldn't have been able to handle it. Heidi had never locked the door on Tuck before..not outside of the context of a joke. She opened the door a bit but didn't look out of it, she just backed away from it and did her best not to look upset. It was mostly successful. To the untrained eye, or someone who just didn't know her very closely, she would just look a little tired and a little curious.

"Hey," she greeted him quietly while idly braiding her hair. "You actually waited," Heidi chuckled.

Her heart sank a little. She forced a little smile and shook her head, even raising her shoulders in a slight shrug. "I...I don't know," she answered quietly, as if afraid to speak for too long or at a certain volume. Too many words at once was dangerous.

"I just." She rubbed her lips together and looked down at her braid. She shrugged again. "I didn't realize that kind of thing was off the table. Sorry."

Sorry.

Sorry.

Heidi cleared her throat and looked up again. I miss you. She forced another smile that didn't reach her eyes. "You've never turned me down before. That was.." She chuckled. "Now I know how you felt. Geeze. It's rough."

She paused. "What do you think we're doing?" Because I really have no idea anymore.

Heidi pursed her lips strictly so she wouldn't slip and apologize for saying sorry. It was habit. She cleared her throat, swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and shook her head. "I've never thought you were completely perfect. I love you, but everyone has flaws, big and small. Like...I hate your snoring, for example." Heidi frowned.

She was quiet for a long, long time, thinking on what to say to him. There were a lot of things she could say, but how to say them without him putting words in her mouth and walking away? Or taking it badly? That was probably inevitable. "I'm not..angry...all the time. I'm upset, I'm hurt, I feel like I have every right to be though. I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard to help you because I'm not seeing you help yourself a-and it's not because I feel obligated to it's because I want to, because I love you even when you're feeling at your worst because I know what you're like when you're happy. You did make me happy, you still could if you'd let us help you through this. But I get angry, because you keep pushing me away. Even when you're being friendly to me it just feels...like something is wrong..like you don't know.."

Heidi stopped braiding her hair to instead rake her fingers through it and hold her head. She closed her eyes. "And then I.." She shook her head. Heidi was starting to feel like a broken record. She had the same argument every time. Every. Damn. Time. He hadn't said he loved her since that time where he was about to fall asleep. Was that the only time she would ever hear it ever again? She was starting to feel that way.

He kept pushing her away. Did he just want her to go away? Was that what it was?

"I feel like I keep saying the same thing to you over and over, and it's not..doing anything..." Heidi's shoulders sagged. Did he still want her? He wanted her happy but he didn't see himself in that picture.

That hurt.

"I don't think you're perfect. I think you're hurting, and you're being an idiot about it and wallowing in it in the most unhealthy way instead of..instead of seeing the good in you and the good you have. You're not perfect, no one is, but I love you anyway. I want to be angry at you and sometimes I am. Like..however many minutes ago, I was really mad. I was so mad. And I was hurt. Because..because I miss you. I miss you every day. I miss your touch, your voice, your body, your heart, those dimples you get when you smile, the lines on your face when you're just overcome with laughter and can't control yourself, how safe I felt in your arms, the warmth of your embrace, cuddling with you, making love, having sex, fooling around. I miss all of it. And..and I just..tonight, I just wanted it. I wanted what we ha..d." There was some hesitation. Have? Had? She wasn't sure what to say.

Heidi frowned. "I wanted things to feel right again, even if it was only for a few hours. I was just, I dunno, being dumb, I guess."

Oh my god. Green eyes, brimming with tears she was fighting against, widened and stared at Tuck in shock. He was talking. He..he actually listened to her! A hand came up to cover her mouth. She actually did something right! He was listening!

"Stop thinking you know better than I do what's best for me," she started softly. Heidi took a step closer. "I know what I want and I know what makes me happy." And when you're not being a complete d**k it's you, went unsaid. "This. I want. I want you to talk to me, listen to what I have to say so I don't have to keep repeating myself. What'll make me happy is you if you'd freakin' let yourself. Let me help you, let me be here for you." She frowned and took another step closer. "Stop pushing me away, stop running. That's why you feel bad because you just. keep. running. And you know it's wrong, don't you? Tuck, I love you. I'll always love you. I've given you everything but it's like you don't trust me."

Heidi walked up until she was standing close in front of Tuck, reaching out to take one of his hands in both of hers. "I'm not some naive little dumb chick, I don't know everything but I also don't know nothing. I'm not Jon Snow, okay." She squeezed his hand. "It won't be instant and not everything I say may always be sunshine and gumdrops but you need to hear it. If you need to cry, come to me, I'll hold you. Sleeping? Food that isn't weird sandwiches? Anything, come to me."

Heidi frowned again. "And stop lying to me. I'm not dumb."

When he lifted her, her legs came up to hug his hips to keep herself up. She freed his hand to instead wrap her arms around his shoulders while she rest her cheek against his head. She rubbed his back between his shoulder blades, closing her eyes. "They're weird, Tuck, and that's okay. If you make them again I will still eat it every time." A gentle kiss was placed against his temple before he lifted his head to look up at him.

It was true, he really had hurt her a lot lately, but how should he make it up to her? Heidi had absolutely no idea. Geeze. Uhh.. "Stay the night. Not for sex just..stay with me tonight...and.." That didn't seem enough. They had napped together before and it made no difference. Heidi traced circles against the back of one of his shoulders. "...How far are you willing to go? Like..anything? Even something permanent?"

Heidi blushed and shook her head. A month ago she would have said yes, yes, yes! But no, that wasn't what she meant. She was curious how far he would go. Would he do something he thought was embarrassing? She didn't want to humiliate him but... "Another tattoo..one of my choice and design requests." Green eyes turned up to hazel and watched him patiently. There were probably better ways, but Heidi had a feeling Tuck would try to make it up to her at every given opportunity anyway.

pinchmonster

Heidi bit down on her bottom lip as he named his conditions. "Wasn't gonna ask for either of those things.." She assured him before clearing her throat and putting a hand over his heart. "I like rabbits aaaand I like moons..and I like pink.." She drew a circle on his chest, still over his heart. "Here. A pink rabbit, a crescent moon." Heidi eyed him warily. Would he go that far for her?

There was no protest to Tuck's change in holding her, instead she buried her face against his neck and closed her eyes, clinging to him a way he hadn't let her since he asked for space. She'd missed this. "On leave or someone here, doesn't matter." Heidi clung tighter to him then, affectionately scraping her nails up and down his back. "Up to you."

They'd fix it. If he let it, they'd be okay. Things were taking a step in the right direction. "You don't have to keep standing, you know," Heidi mumbled against his neck.