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[Obliv Girl] Jia Deshi - crits?

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robot kitten

Tipsy Pirate

PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 3:58 pm


Custom: Semi
Character Name: Jia Deshi
Race: Oblivionite
Gender: Female

Class: Will go Sword (Katana!)
Appearance:
      3 traits:
      1: Long black hair in this style.
      2: Clothing: outfit like one of the following with colors of pale lavender, gold, and black:
      [X] [X] [X] [X]
      3: Slim gangly build (will not be curvy as she grows!) takes after her mother :3


Personality:
      Loyal-- Jia has been raised by a mother who's duty is first in her heart and a father who never gave up. She will stand by those she trusts, will never betray another and will always do her best to fulfill her promises. A Deshi does not betray their friends! Or retainers. A noble must look after their retainers after all.

      Ambitious-- Her family is minor; she wishes to change this. A great family that sticks to old traditions and honors should not be minor, she thinks. They should be among the halls of the great! It is, in her mind, only the money and greed of the great houses that keep hers from joining them. They make their names from money, magic, and ways closer to that of an assassin instead of the sword and honor of her house. They are afraid of her houses worth and that if held up next to the Deshi that the others will find them lacking! Not all houses are like this she knows, but those that have less than honorable pasts are those she thinks this of.

      Honorable-- Jia will never stab someone in the back... punch them into face(actually slap or try to behead them) but never from behind. She will always honor her word and debts... even if she hates the one she is indebted to. She also respects a worthy foe; she may think your people are cowards, but if you are not than you get respect.

      Pampered/Spoiled -- Jia lives a good life; fed, clothed in fine cloth, given the best training they can afford, the best toys, and knows of little hardship outside her studies and training. She see's nothing wrong with this, though knows it may be a weakness in the future... In fact it is a weakness; she cannot stand being dirty, hates traveling without a wagon to sleep in and refuses (REFUSES!) to eat the disgusting swill some inns offer. She does not throw a temper tantrum.. at least not in public. Instead she assumes a haughty icy silence, one that radiates her disapproval. At least.. she tries to. It is hard for her to not complain as a child. She can be greedy at times, though mostly only over clothing, food, and swords. Money is only useful if used so she does not hoard it too much. Clothing though... oh how she adores good clothing!

      Tactician/In control-- She has her biases but is able to put them aside should she see something she can make use of. After all, if her father looked at the Khehora and saw an ally, than so can she! A trapper can be a treasure and a noble a piece of trash, this she knows. She is willing to withhold judgement until you prove yourself... but her biases color her views of course. Despite her best efforts, she see's most Dovaa as cowards and does not like even talking with Hybrids. She tries to see things in advantages and disadvantages; is willing to use what she can to get the job done.. honorably of course! She refuses to stoop to assassins or poison. Spying is... a grey area to her. You need information after all! Many think her cold as she does not act on emotion alone. Emotion is nice... but it can lead one astray. Love is only true if tested and proven: she will expect any man to earn her heart and will be scornful of any declarations of undying love without action to back it up. She is scornful of those who act based on impulse with no plan. They are just going to get themselves or others in trouble!

      Arrogant-- She thinks her training and skills makes her better than the common man. She has the best training, therefore she obviously is better than a self trained warrior! Her blood, that of an honorable warrior noble and a determined successful merchant, is that of greatness in her mind. She has noble blood but also the best of the common blood runs through her! If her name and money does not get the job done, than she will use the sword... honorably of course. Or just ignore the rude individuals that irritate her if there is no way to get out of a situation with her pride/honor intact. She is, after all, above them.

Biography/Background:
      Father: Tàmhas Bhàsa (he retains his family name, though all their children will carry the Deshi name)
      Mother: Shing Deshi

      Born to a minor noble house in Obsidian City to a poor noble mother and rich merchant father marrying into nobility, Jia has been raised to do her best, to present herself perfectly, make little to no mistakes, to be honest and honorable, and to stand as a weapon for her Goddess and Leader. She is raised by a warrior family, no mages have ever (they say) been born to their family.. on the mother's side at least. Her Noble house follows the way of the sword; all must learn it's use no matter what path they wish to walk. They may of course walk a different path.. but they must still learn swordsmanship! It is the Deshi way.

      Her father and mother were a love match; she faced much disapproval by marrying beneath her... that is until he came back a wealthy merchant who owned several iron mines.... Swords need iron and he provided a large gift of this high quality iron to them to smooth over her parent's ruffled feathers.

      Tamhas was born not a merchant, but to a pair of trappers on Aikso. He came to Soudul in search of training in swordsmanship instead of the bow and axe of his parents. It was at the Deshi Dojo that he was accepted and met Shing. As they grew up, Shing's arrogance and disapproval of the trapper born Tamhas fell to his loud charm and willingness to laugh. The Deshi house had fallen on hard times and laughter was hardly heard... even when they'd been happier the Deshi were a proud family, they were solemn and calm... laughter was for children and an adult should not be overly noisy. His willingness to just laugh straight from his stomach, not caring what other's thought of him attracted the strictly raised Shing. As did his easy smile and willingness to listen.

      Tamhas found the stuffy Deshi amusing... and loved to tease and try to get the tall Shing to smile.... or laugh. The day he'd first seen her smile for real, no small cool smile but a grin of sheer delight he'd been hit by just how beautiful she was... and wanted to make her smile more. The day she laughed, was the day he decided he wished to wed her.

      Tamhas stood out in more ways than just his loudness, he was short and broad with a bushy beard that stood among the slim clean shaven figures of the Deshi warriors; the sword looked thin and small in his hand, amusingly so. Many thought he should use a bigger weapon to make use of his broad shoulders and bulging muscles; but he preferred the speed of the rapier and stuck to it. He soon gained mastery over the weapon and used the slim rapier with such speed and surprising grace that most stopped suggesting a weapon change. At least to his face!

      Shing is the eldest daughter and heir of the house; she is not the greatest of swordsman in her house, her youngest brother holds that honor. In fact, her skills are best with archery, and she does hone that skill to it's best since there is no dishonor in providing archery support. It is a disappointment to her family that the hero to their House is not better with a sword, but her calm and agile mind eased their worry since they knew she would be a great tactician and at least lead their house well. Shing is tall and slim; all leg and bone really. Her form is graceful... but bears no curves much to her secret dismay. She looks like a blade; covered in expensive cloth and dolled up but a deadly blade that no amount of jewelry or dresses can hide.

      She did not realize that she was falling in love for a long time, it was a quiet and slow change in her heart... she only came to realize it when her parents told Tamhas he was to leave and not return to their house; his courtship of their heir was not allowed. Shing would have objected, wanted to... but she had a duty. And a Deshi does her duty. No matter the cost. She was inconsolable for months after he left, but she kept it behind a mask of calm, the tears and anger stayed in her room... her maid had to secretly change out the furniture every now and then as Shing destroyed them in a fit of anger. She would not bring dishonor to her family.... even if her heart cried for her to leave and follow Tamahas.

      Tamahs did not agree with her parents; he was determined to marry Shing and make her smile and laugh, so he set about figuring out a way to be with her. His idea was wealth: to end the hard times! And he knew just the way....

      Two years later he approached the Deshi once more, this time a wealthy merchant who owned rich mines filled with iron ore... and the tainted iron used to make dark steel. When asked how he got it; Tamhas grinned and says "Fast talking and trade!" For that was how he did it; he told the Khehora clan that lived in land he wished to use of the lands about the Deshi mines that now lay abandoned since they dried up... and paid them in Magescain goods to move. He sends one caravan every year filled with cloth, metal, jewelry, and food to them in payment. They get a land that no Oblivionite noble or merchant wants anymore since the mines are gone so they don't have to worry but raids as much, and they get lot every year! Good trade n their minds!

      Tamhas did not take over the Deshi house; he saw no reason to since Shing had been trained for leading the Deshi all her life. He kept his name and says he is no noble... merely the husband of one! He has no say in how the household is run, only on how the caravans and shops are run as well as a voice in how their children will be raised.

      Shing and Tamhas are very hands on parents, they do not let a nurse raise their child; they do so themselves. They prefer to get her tutors for subjects they cannot teach her, but otherwise are very involved in her life.

      Jia is the currently the only child of Tamhas and Shing. She would be overly spoiled by her fun loving and laughing father, but her calm and strict mother keeps her in line.... mostly. From Shing and the Deshi tradition Jia learned honor, duty, and swordsmanship. From her father she learned to laugh and enjoy life... also to aspire higher and that she could do anything if she tried hard enough and put in effort.
      She learned from an early age the history of her people, how to navigate the political waters a noble must swim, how to bargain and barter, and how to fight. She has yet to start her official training in swordsmanship; but she is learning tactics, how swords are made, how to clean and fix a sword and she is always watching in the dojo.

      To prepare her, her parents have started her on hand to hand combat; as any self respecting warrior needs to know some martial arts just in case they end up unarmed. This is also to get her body ready for the intense training she will soon receive. Jia loves to watch her father move; the speed and grace he moves with fills her with awe. She will never think a big or fat person cannot be fast! Her mother wields a short sword and Jia is not impressed. Instead, she prefers to watch her mother at archery; that is where her mother is the most elegant!

      Jia has attend one grand Ball with her parents, an event hosted by the greater nobles and has seen the world she want's to walk through. She dislikes that some of the other nobles sneer at her father.... behind his back of course as they don't wish to get punched. She will raise her family up so that they can stride through that world and others would back off and bow with respect! That and the clothes! The jewels! The food! The music! She loves it. She knows that money is needed, and intends to continue, maybe expand upon, her father's ground work while keeping the Deshi honor and tradition in tact.


Thoughts on the Great Engagement:
      A glorious thing! Though it has drawn on long enough, it allows for her family to gain more honor and acclaim upon the field.. a pity about this very fragile peace.. I wish it would break and we could truly go to war again!


Thoughts on the Magescian Races:
      Orderites are the enemy: they have treated her people as evil beings for far too long! Not only that, but they do so while creating dangerous weapons that end up going wild and killing everything not just Oblivionites! They are dangerous though, and she has a healthy respect for their technology and determination. They have withstood her people for many years and are worthy opponents, she may see them as enemies but they will be treated with respect.

      Dovaa are cowards who hide in their safe little plane and come out only to steal and take what is not theirs. They should be boarded up into their plane to keep them there since they apparently don't want to join everything else in living in the real world. She bears them no respect since they hide and do not even try to exist outside their hidey-hole.

      Hybrids are ... rather disgusting. She thinks that the mixing of races dilutes the purity that the Gods gave their people... She does not think the Gods would approve.

      Oblivionites are obviously meant to be the rulers of this world. Their Goddess created them with a purpose to win, to rule. The others are just things for them to rule over!

Thoughts on the Dragons and Khehora:
      Dragons are tools and beasts to be killed. Khehora are smart and potential allies. They would be tools in her eyes.... except that her father told her of the Khehora clan that aided him, as well as took her to meet them on one of the yearly trips to deliver goods to them. She wishes to obtain a bonded... but to obtain it herself honorably, not buy it. She wants to earn it, wants a parent to grant her an egg to prove she is worthy of it!

Statistics:

      Int: 3
      Def: 3
      Atk: 4
PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2014 8:34 am


Reserving just in case~

robot kitten

Tipsy Pirate


reirelight

Loyal Loiterer

PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2014 9:09 pm


I'm not sure if you wanted input or not, but when looking over it this actually looks in pretty much working condition so I thought I might as well give an opinion on it seeing as custom month is right around the bend.

For the personality traits, they make sense with her upbringing that she'd have such traits, so that's good for me. I am iffy on the Tactician/In Control section though. Honestly I don't see it as a weakness so much even though it seems to be listed under that, it's an interesting facet of her personality, but the whole section is really positive on some things and negative on others that I can't help but see it as neutral in the end. Let me explain how:
It's a good thing that she can put her biases aside and reserve judgement based on action/behavior/how one shows themselves/etc.
It's a good thing that even though she wishes to get things done by almost any means she won't lower herself to use assassins or poisons to tarnish her family name.
It's nice that she tries not to let emotion lead her astray, but it can also be a bad thing if it means she's not expressing herself.
It's probably negative that she lets bias paint her views of other individuals even with her best efforts, it makes sense that she wouldn't like Dovaa so much or Hybrids based on most Oblivionite's stance on them but it'd probably paint her views of other things as well.
It's probably a negative thing that she's willing to do almost anything to get the job done, and that she'll spy on people, etc.
In the end it comes out really sort of neutral and/or jumbled due to the conflicting natures of some of the things. It might help to break it up into different things like Cold, or Biased, or Rational, and so on. It'd also help if there was maybe one more negative trait, but if you can break this up I think you'll be fine.

I really like the history of her father and mother, their romance, and how they came to be. That is really good, it is very strong and it makes sense so I have no real complaints with this. It might be nice to have some more of Jia's brief history in here, maybe some specifics on how they have taught her to act as a proper lady, or the family honor, or something along those lines. Just a bit more might help, the foundation is amazing though.

Aside from that the only thing that could be worked on is there's more than a few spelling errors especially with her father's name, and a bit of weird grammar here and there. Aside from that I like it, her opinion on the great engagement makes sense, and it's good to see that she won't get along with absolutely everyone. 3nodding
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2014 6:55 am


thanks~ I shall get to edits soon :3
The tactician/in control thingy isn't negative not really. I don't sort personality traits by pos/neg XD Just as they occur to me!

Though you are right, it's a bunch of traits wrapped into one in there.

robot kitten

Tipsy Pirate


reirelight

Loyal Loiterer

PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2014 7:33 am


Alrighty~ Let me know when you make some edits and I'll look at it again. 3nodding
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 11:51 am


Approved. -so lazy, but honestly, she looks good to me, so what have you- Good luck!

Miss Chief aka Uke
Crew

Rainbow Fairy


robot kitten

Tipsy Pirate

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 1:08 pm


The Only Black Uke
Approved. -so lazy, but honestly, she looks good to me, so what have you- Good luck!

>:{ I has not edited her!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 1:16 pm


robot kitten
The Only Black Uke
Approved. -so lazy, but honestly, she looks good to me, so what have you- Good luck!

>:{ I has not edited her!
Okay? She still looks fine to me. o.O Just 'cause Rei had issues with her doesn't mean I do. But um, I can withdraw my approval if you want, eesh.

Miss Chief aka Uke
Crew

Rainbow Fairy


robot kitten

Tipsy Pirate

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 1:17 pm


The Only Black Uke
robot kitten
The Only Black Uke
Approved. -so lazy, but honestly, she looks good to me, so what have you- Good luck!

>:{ I has not edited her!


Okay? She still looks fine to me. o.O Just 'cause Rei had issues with her doesn't mean I do. But um, I can withdraw my approval if you want, eesh.

XD Nah~ Just teasing you~ =3=
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 1:33 pm


robot kitten
The Only Black Uke
robot kitten
The Only Black Uke
Approved. -so lazy, but honestly, she looks good to me, so what have you- Good luck!

>:{ I has not edited her!


Okay? She still looks fine to me. o.O Just 'cause Rei had issues with her doesn't mean I do. But um, I can withdraw my approval if you want, eesh.

XD Nah~ Just teasing you~ =3=
My mood's just really exhausted right now, sorry. =w= But yeah. For whenever you shoot for her...you have one approval.

Miss Chief aka Uke
Crew

Rainbow Fairy

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