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 Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 6:51 pm
A few days after he woke up, Tuck checked twitter. He didn't check it to chat. He checked it hopes that maybe Heidi sent him a message saying that she never wanted to see him again. It might've made s**t easier if she had. She hadn't. She had, in fact, done the opposite. He was tired of running. He wasn't going to do it anymore. It was something he'd promised himself after seeing the haggard faces of Evan and Stormy sitting outside of his pod. No more running. It took him a few hours to gather up the courage to send Heidi a text. By that point, the moon was a silver sliver in the sky, blurred by clouds and fog. Quote: Text to: Heidi From: Tuck We need to talk. Where are you?
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Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 7:10 pm
Heidi felt awful. She hadn't waited for Tuck. She wanted to..she should have, she was sure Evan and Stormy would have let her join them. They'd understand. But.. He really, really hurt her. When her phone went off she picked it up with disinterest only to perk up when she saw the name. Tuck! <333! He..he was awake. How long had he been awake? He wanted to see her. Her hand came up to clamp over her mouth, tears immediately forming and falling down her cheeks before she could even so much as gasp or try to fight against them. He wanted to see her. He wasn't just reading the texts and ignoring them to move on and completely dump her. Maybe he still wanted her. Maybe. Maybe they could fix this. She couldn't answer, not at first. She spent at least ten minutes just crying, hugging her phone to her chest and muffling her cries behind her hand. Heidi curled up on her bed, burying her face in her pillow. It was twenty minutes before Tuck would finally get an answer. Only when she had calmed down did she feel okay to let him know where she was. Quote: Text to: Tuck! <333!Room 154 in the dorms. She refused to call it her room.
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Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 7:17 pm
Tuck ran his hand over the top of his head and let out a low exhale when he got a text back. Her old room. He slapped the back of his phone against his palm. Their conversation would be best done someplace private, and he knew it, but ******** rose to his feet with a groan and pocketed his phone before he grabbed his jacket and scarf. Shrugging into them as he walked out the door, it didn't take long for him to reach 154. He gave himself a few moments before he lifted one big hand and knocked once.
This was not something that he was looking forward to.
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Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 7:27 pm
The door was answered quickly after he knocked, as if she had..probably been waiting by the door. Let's face it, she probably had been pacing the room back and forth while she waited for him. She was in her pajamas, or rather an old ratty t-shirt that had been stretched to all hell and oversized flannel pajama pants she had to tie as tightly as possible just to keep them from sliding too far down her hips. Her hair was down, wavy from all her constant braiding. Wide green eyes stared up at him, unable to make herself look away from his face. She was..so happy to see him.
But so angry.
But so overjoyed.
But so hurt.
But..but so...relieved.
Her heart hammered painfully in her chest to the point where she wondered if he could hear it. An impossible thing, but something that flit through her silly little mind. "..Hi..." She finally said, her voice barely a whisper. After a moment she realized she was still standing in the doorway thinking of things to say to him, wanting to throw herself at him and just kiss him until he came to his senses, and she moved out of the way of the doorway in silent invitation to come inside.
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Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 7:33 pm
When the door opened, Tuck took a step back. She looked cute as ********, just like she always did, but she looked drawn and tired, too - courtesy of him, Tuck was sure of it. He cleared his throat.
"Hey."
When she didn't move out of the way so that he could come in, he shifted on his feet. Did she want to have this conversation here, in the hallway? He almost opened his mouth to start talking when she moved. Tuck let out a low exhale of relief and slipped inside the room.
Tuck skirted the bed and remained standing, pausing to watch Heidi.
"I got your messages."
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Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 7:41 pm
Tuck stepped into the room and she closed the door behind him. At first she remained facing it, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply to collect herself. He spoke up and Heidi turned her head to look over her shoulder at him. She cleared her throat and finally faced him, fidgeting with her fingers.
I missed you.
"I'm glad," she said, "A hundred and forty characters doesn't really do much justice but. It was all I had." Heidi shrugged, watching Tuck. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, her fingers finding the excess string tie of her pants and playing with that instead.
"Sooo..."
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Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 11:06 pm
Tuck pressed his lips together and shoved his hands in his pockets. "You.. you gotta understand. I didn't mean nothin' I said. I think you know it. An' I ******** up real good. I did. I come here to apologize. I'm sorry. I am. I never meant to hurt you, Heidi." He dropped his head and exhaled before lifting his eyes to glance at her again. The fingers of one hand pressed against the butterfly mark on his neck, and he just started talking. "I know you're gonna say I'm wrong, but you gotta listen to me. You deserve somethin' better'n what I can give you. And me, I don't.. I don't deserve you."
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:41 am
Heidi frowned. "I know...and yeah, you did. You..you basically said all of my worst fears, Tuck. I never felt good enough for you, because..because there're women out there like Cee, and Candace, and I always knew they were more..what you usually went after, and I..sometimes worried I wasn't enough, like one day even though you always said you loved me and you'd never let me go...you'd realize someday I'm just, y'know, this..tiny little lady who doesn't have much in terms of physical appearance a-and..." A hot, eager piece of a**. Heidi cleared her throat and rubbed her lips together, her arms moving to basically hug herself. Her nails bit into her skin, trying to help her think of the pain of her nails instead of the pain in her chest or the tears starting to blur her vision again. "You still did it. Why? I thought about so many things but I could never figure out why would you say that to me?" Her voice cracked but she refused to let herself fall to pieces. She blinked, clearing her eyes of the tears and shaking her head. No. Stop it.
"I don't care what you think I do or don't deserve, I love you. And I want you. I don't want anyone else, Tuck."
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:56 am
"I was tryin' to hurt you. It was all ******** up, Heidi. Everything about that mission was so ******** up. I seen Stormy there an' I was so glad to see her an' then she rolled up and took Evan and Evan ********' went an' left me behind an' I got angry, started thinkin' about ... I started thinkin' about how my boys felt. From there it just got worse. First I was pissed that they left me, an' then it wasn't about that no more, it was about bein' made to feel about how my boys felt when they got left behind by me." Tuck sighed softly and shook his head. "So I done what I do best, and I ran again. Almost stayed gone an extra two days so they'd come find me and kill me, Heidi. I'm in a low place right now, and I don't wanna bring you down with me so I can't. We can't. It ain't about you not bein' enough for me. You are. You always have been. It's just." He shrugged his broad shoulders. "I ain't enough for you. Nothin' you say's gonna change that. But you gotta understand it ain't because you did somethin' wrong. It's me. I ******** up. I gotta get straight and I gotta get right in the head an' maybe someday I'ma be good enough for you but right now, I ain't. I just ain't."
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 8:06 am
Why couldn't he just say all of that to her when she asked? Heidi bit down on her bottom lip and finally looked down at the floor. If he had told her all of that she could have said something to comfort him, she could have been there for him, she could have stopped him from going off and being an idiot. She dropped the ball on taking care of it. Heidi rubbed her eyes and breathed in slowly, closing her eyes tightly and still not looking up at him. If she'd really been enough for him he wouldn't have tried to hurt her, she was sure of it.
And then it got worse.
She listened between the lines. She heard what she was saying. No. No, don't do this again. No. She was seeing it now, he would never think he was good enough for her. He would never forgive himself. He would never come back to her if he had it his way.
"Tuck..when...when we met, you said you wanted what your parents have in each other." Heidi finally looked up at him, frowning. "Do you seriously think they got to where they are today because their lives were constant sunshine, rainbows, and sparkly happy puppies? No one's life is like that. No, I'm sure that if your father was feeling low, your mother probably helped him back up." Heidi took a step toward him. "Let me help you, Tuck. Please. I can! I swear! I can help you if you let me." Please don't do this, Tuck.
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 8:15 am
When she took a step forward, Tuck took a step back.
"My pops didn't make the kind of mistakes I made, Heidi. My pops didn't leave his best friends to die, one by one. I shoulda stayed. I shoulda died with 'em. But I didn't. An' I don't get to have all the .. all the good things in life while they got nothin' but gravestones. I didn't even get their tags, Heidi. I didn't make sure that their families was okay. I just left. I ran again, to here. I died out there too, but in a different way. I ain't runnin' no more. I ain't runnin' from you here an' now. I'm just tellin' you how things gotta be now."
He looked haggard. He felt like he wanted to cry. He felt like he wanted to wrap himself up in her and just forget, even for a little while.
"What if I say yes to you an' s**t don't work out because I took that chance that it might? I'm a piece of s**t, Heidi. You.. I ain't good enough for you. I just ain't."
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 8:31 am
"You were scared, Tuck. It happens! Everyone makes mistakes." Heidi took another step toward him. Don't run away, not from me. She shook her head. "You can redeem yourself here, Tuck. You can make up for your mistake, learn from it, never do it again. Tuck, please." He didn't need to feel this way. Someone had to show him the positive side of things, he needed to hear them. "You can even give them justice. Find the horsemen that did it. My best friend's mother was a very firm believer of everything happens for a reason."
Heidi rubbed her arms, stopping in the middle of the room. "I don't think you're a piece of s**t. I mean, I think you're an a*****e right now but you kind of deserve that, but I don't hate you. I love you. And..if you really love me as much as you say you do, then you won't mess up with me again."
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 10:40 am
"I ******** a stranger while I was gone. Just some lady from a strip club, Heidi. This is why I'm a piece of s**t, an' another reason why you deserve somethin' better. Someone who ain't me." His eyes burned. His throat ached. "I just wanted to come clean, I guess. Let you know why I did what I did. Let you know none of it was your fault. I know I can be a better man than this. I know I can. I ain't askin' you to wait. I couldn't do that. I'm just.. I got to work this s**t out, an' it's somethin' I gotta do on my own." Tuck rubbed his hands down his face. "I love you. I do. But I gotta fix me before I can fix us."
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:05 am
Her heart stopped, eyes wide and jaw dropped. ******** a stripper. Something she had hoped would be something only between the two of them ever again. She didn't cry but at the same time she couldn't think of a single thing to say. She couldn't call it cheating, despite what she kept telling herself he had basically broken up with her, but at the same time she couldn't help but feel like that was what she had just heard.
Of course she could wait. She'd gone eighteen years, she could do it again. But..he couldn't? Heidi frowned. "Will you see other women?" She asked quietly, defeat thick in her voice. There was nothing she could do that would be enough to convince him not to do this. "Or..I don't know..sleep with them, I guess.." Obviously she didn't think she could stop him, but knowing in advance might lessen the sting later. "Can we still talk? Be friends? Work together?" She frowned. "What if your nightmares come back?"
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:21 am
"This ain't.. It ain't about seeing other people. I don't want to see other people." Tuck felt worse than he had when he'd come into the room. Seeing that expression on her face, hearing the sound of defeat in her voice, it ******** wrecked him. This was why he didn't deserve her. This was why. She was so ******** good and perfect and he was disgusting. He was a piece of s**t, and he didn't know if he could ever make things right. "Heidi. Nothing changed. I love you. I ain't gonna see other women. We're still gonna talk. Still gonna be friends. Still gonna work together. I'm.. maybe I'm makin' a big ********' mess of all this. I just need space. Time to figure my s**t out. An' I don't want you to feel like you gotta be tied down to me while I work through this s**t. Do that make sense?"
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