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 Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:40 am
They left the lieutenant on a bench near the emergency room, and Oenone gave the staff inside a courtesy tap on the sliding doors to let them know there was someone out there before they left. And he kept it together on the walk home, the only real hint as to his emotional state his iron grip on Europa’s hand and the thin sheen of sweat over his face. When they got somewhere safe to drop their transformations, he did with a sigh of relief, the glamor pouring off him in a light coat of green-bronze glitter. But as they headed up the steps into the lobby of Florence Court, he leaned over into Kaatje’s carefully-landscaped bushes and vomited.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t been feeling nauseated, or known that facing his very real, very reasonable fears wouldn’t have a cost. He’d just sort of hoped he would pay this price in nightmares, or a panic attack, not in something so grotesque and showy as puking his guts out.
Nick kind of… collapsed, limply, on the stairs, and dropped his head into his hands, and shook.
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:41 am
Tallulah did her best to rush to Nick’s side when he vomited, but the thing was that she’d been there all along. She flung her arm around her shoulder and helped him sit, focusing on rubbing tight circles on his back. She’d educated herself on the symptoms of a panic attack weeks ago, and this certainly fit the bill. “Nick?” she asked.
He must have been holding this in for a very long time, she thought. After all, she’d been with him all night and seen his discomfort first-hand. “You were really, really brave tonight,” she said, leaning over to press a kiss to his temple. He smelled strongly of sick, but she thought the sprinklers would come on before Kaatje saw and got upset.
“Do you want to sit here for a bit?” Tallulah asked, scooting a little bit closer. It was an odd hour of the night, too late to be early but also too early to be called late. She’d personally prefer to go indoors and sort him out there - but this was okay.
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:41 am
He couldn’t actually breathe. His mouth tasted disgusting, but that wasn’t why; it felt like every muscle in his body was locking up, especially the ones about his chest, the ones getting tighter every second he sat out there and thought about how terrible he felt. “No,” he said, a little strangled, a little breathless, “Let’s go inside, I don’t want to be seen.” He had his pride, after all.
They got inside, and of course there was no one in the lobby--Kaatje was probably already back on base, doing whatever it was she did when not antagonizing all of the residents of Florence Court--and into the apartment, where he locked the door and then deadbolted it before sitting down at the kitchen table. “I thought I was doing better,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “I really thought I was.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:41 am
Tallualh followed him to the kitchen, although she did expect that he would have rather gone right to the bathroom. Apparently not? Okay then. She was going to stick close to him all night if she had to just to calm him down. Slipping into a seat beside him, Tallulah resumed rubbing slow circles along his back. “You are doing better,” she said affirmatively yet softly. Nick had decided to go after the lieutenant tonight on his own - they’d just found something unexpected, and that had… That had torn apart their carefully constructed plan for the evening.
“You held it together really well,” she said, trying to think of how she could get him into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He’d just - he’d go on his own eventually, she supposed. “You held together so well, Nick. You saved his life, probably.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:41 am
It was true. He had gone in prepared for a confrontation, for something like what he’d seen at the park--and he’d found nothing except a reminder, like a punch to the face, that negaversers were human. Hating them came easily, it was what he ran on when he wasn’t actively engaging with someone or other; but the idea that he was fighting people, actual people, just… It threw him. “I’m never like this at work,” he said, “never. We get car accident victims and, and awful s**t, Tallulah, but I’m fine. I’m always fine. I never--not like this.”
His stomach rolled again, and he got up abruptly, rushed up the stairs and--well, at least he made it to the bathroom in time. It could have been worse. He kicked the door to the bathroom closed and hauled himself up to run the water and brush his teeth. Nick was still swishing mouthwash when Tallulah opened the door. He spat it out and took a deep breath. “What if I was wrong to help him, though,” he said. “What if he comes back and hurts someone?” Kaatje was going to be so pissed at him. So ******** pissed--
Nick took a deep breath, as deep as he could, and held it for a long minute. “I don’t want anyone to die,” he said. “Not even her.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:41 am
Tallulah clenched her hands against the front of her skirt, debating whether she should grab hold of him or not. Probably - but sometimes, she knew, being touched could just make everything worse. Her meant Avalon - that much was clear by now, and if the power of purification could save even Avalon’s blackened heart then there was hope for plenty of people. Carefully, she put a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “Nick,” she said. “Nick, is this okay?”
When he did not panic, Tallulah very carefully guided him to sit on the edge of the bathtub and sat beside him. “Maybe he will,” she said quietly, “But you know, that won’t be our responsibility if he does. And maybe - maybe one little act of kindness will go a really long way. It did for you.” Not that Oenone remembered, but… Their best shot with all this purification stuff was to find people who were loose cannons, who weren’t properly indoctrinated or who had been kicked down like dogs and show them a little kindness and let that grow.
“When you’re at work,” she said, slipping her fingers around his, “You get into your groove and everything is really easy for you. You’re a really good doctor. But this - it wasn’t just work. It was the auras too, yeah? They mess with your head.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:42 am
His work shirt clung to his skin, clammy and damp, and once he was balanced on the edge of the tub he unbuttoned it and took it off, letting it drop limply to the floor of the tub. “If they didn’t have auras, it would be so much easier,” he agreed. Without the auras, he could probably forget what he knew about a Negaverser and help them, easily, without this cold chill and these shaking hands. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and focused on his breathing, the long slow in-two-three-four out-two-three-four that he had studied in school for people with panic attacks. Just the other day, he’d sat with a fourteen-year-old and said, We’re going to breathe together, okay? Just like this--
“He was angry,” said Nick. “You could hear it. In his voice.” It hadn’t been anger at them, personally. But they hadn’t been doing what he expected them to do. And he had been so angry. “Kaatje says--that when they’re that angry, all you can do is put them down.”
But he couldn’t. He… no. “As long as people like us outnumber whoever attacked him,” he said, a breath petering out of him. “Maybe we can…”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:42 am
Tallulah put a hand to Nick’s chest, and kept her other on his back. He looked about ready to fall over, and she wanted to catch him if he did. By now she was almost certain who had left the lieutenant in the condition they found him in, but she didn’t want to say so in case it caused friction later. “He was angry because someone just tried to kill him,” she said gently. She’d have been mad, too, if there’d just been a failed attempt on her life. Maybe the lieutenant didn’t even think he’d done anything worth retaliation and that made it worse.
“Kaatje has her opinions,” she sighed, thinking about the hard line Gunn drew with regards to Chaos operatives. “But I don’t think she’s always right. I’ve seen - I’d seen Spinel angry, and it didn’t once occur to me to do that.” She wasn’t certain that was the right thing to bring up right now, but she was trying.
“We just have to keep trying and keep hoping that people’s consciences win out over Chaos,” she sighed, rubbing his back. “Or something.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:42 am
He looked away from her, pressed the pads of his fingers against his temples. “But Chaos stops your conscience,” he said. “Stops it cold.” He didn’t remember specifics, but he remembered… things. Images came back like, like sunlight through a thick fog, helping someone across the street and leading them into an alleyway and--
Nick gagged, but nothing came up except a foul bile taste. It burned in his throat, but with none of the vindication of something happening. “It’s a miracle anyone manages to purify,” he said, swallowing, hard. “All of it is working against you, isn’t it? The whole deck is stacked.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:42 am
She’d give him that. “Well, yeah,” said Tallulah with a sigh. Being a senshi was a hard lot in life, she thought, leaning against him. There was comfort to be gained from closeness, and anything she could do to make Nick relax even a little was… well, it was her goal. “I wouldn’t trade this side for anything,” she said.
Corruption, well… it did not jive with her life plans at all.
“Do you want to go to bed?” she asked quietly, not moving from her place on the edge of the tub. “It’s late, Nick. We might feel better in the morning.” The fastest way to deal with tonight, in her opinion, would be to put it behind them.
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:42 am
She was always so reasonable, his Tallulah. He ran his hands over his face, and he puts his hands on the side of the tub and pushed himself to his feet. “I’m going to rinse again,” he said, running his tongue over the inside of his teeth. “I’ll be out in a minute, love.” A few minutes alone would sort him. He didn’t feel crowded, he just… couldn’t think. Not so closed in as he was.
He pressed a hand against her cheek for a moment, and said, “Thank you. I love you.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:42 am
Tallulah nodded and followed him up from the tub. “Okay,” she nodded, understanding the need to unwind in private for a moment. Hopping up onto her tiptoes, she pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “I love you, too,” she said, slipping out of the bathroom. She changed quickly into pajamas and slipped into bed.
She’d started to doze off by the time she felt the other side of the mattress dip.
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:42 am
He rinsed out his mouth, and he splashed cold water on his face, and he took a deep breath and he…. he tried to not think. What was the point, where was the good in it? He would just get concerned. And scared. And hurt--
Nick bit his lip until he couldn’t take the pain and the taste of blood was everything he was aware of. Then he turned and opened the door, finished stripping off his clothes, and fell into bed with his wife. His wife… that was a good thought. She shifted, something he could only faintly track in the light from the lower story’s bay window, and curled along his back, her breath even and warm against the back of his neck. Her hand was warm where it rested on his shoulder.
Tallulah believed in him. She believed in purification, and she believed they had done a good thing tonight. For now, and until he got better, that would have to be enough.
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