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 Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 8:44 pm
Once he got through the portal back to the island, Tuck wasted no time in getting back to his room.
Rather, the room he shared with Heidi.
He felt irrational. He felt angry. He felt betrayed. And more than all of it, he felt a strong, strong surge of self-loathing. Theodore Ross knew - down to his ******** bones - that the quick sting of terror he'd felt when Stormy had led Evan away had been nothing compared to the way his boys had felt when he'd left them all behind.
The black feathers, the bones, the screams, the bugs, the sand - and the air burning through his lungs as he'd run.
Away from them.
He wanted to be alone. He wanted to lash out, to hurt someone as deeply as he was hurting. He wanted to forget. ********, he wanted to forget more than anything.
Tuck slammed the door behind him and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:07 pm
Heidi didn't go straight to their room. No, something told her going straight home would be a bad idea. Instead she went off to do things. Busy things. She was upset, but she also understood Tuck was..not feeling well. As much as Heidi wanted to be there, as much as she really wanted to just..go over there, to run into that room and throw herself at Tuck and hold him, hold him so tightly and so warmly that he just forgot everything and eventually calmed down.
She wanted to do it so badly...
But he had told her to go away. She stared down at the food she was cooking, sniffing and wiping away a stray tear with the back of her hand. He didn't want to play boyfriend. Like it was some kind of role in a too-long game of house. She tipped her head back, eyes closed, face up toward the ceiling, and she whimpered. Things had been going so well.
Heidi wanted to cry. She wanted to fall to the ground and just curl up and cry. She wanted to blame someone. There was any number of people she could blame. Caelius for calling them on the mission. The hunters who didn't inform them properly of what was going to go down, or provide them with the proper protection of a preemptive shot of the antivirus to fight contamination. Stormy for taking Evan, not even saying hi to Tuck or her. Evan for going with Stormy. Whoever let the lights go out. Tuck for letting go of her hand.
Herself.
She wanted to blame herself.
She'd done something wrong.
She'd never be good enough, Heidi was foolish to think otherwise.
Her head fell forward to bow, one hand covering her eyes as she grit her teeth and breathed in and out slowly, making an effort to keep her breaths as steady and controlled as she could. Don't cry. Don't cry. Someone could walk in. Don't cry.
Eventually Heidi had composed herself enough to return to their room, carrying a basket from which the savory, delicious aroma of whatever she'd cooked wafted from. She stopped at the door, hand hovering over the door knob, before finally she let herself in. Heidi didn't say anything, she didn't announce her arrival with words, instead she stepped through the doorway with a strange sense of caution she never thought she'd have and looked warily around the room. She was checking the state of it, searching for Tuck, checking the state he was in if he was still there..
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:21 pm
He felt caged.
For the first few minutes, Tuck paced. Every now and again the mark at his neck itched, and he'd lift his hand to it in annoyance.
Pushups came next. Ten. Fifteen. Thirty. Fifty. When his arms burned, Tuck fell to his back and immediately fell into sit-ups. Counting felt good. Took his mind off of things. He'd been an a*****e to Heidi, and he was upset with himself for that - just one more thing to add onto the rapidly-growing pile of things he loathed about himself.
He was on the floor when Heidi came in. His forearm covered his eyes, and he didn't move when she closed the door behind herself. He didn't want to talk, didn't want to interact. He just wanted to be alone, on the floor, in the dark, and pretend that nothing else existed. He didn't want to be looked after - because he didn't ******** deserve it. His boys didn't get that luxury, and so he shouldn't, either.
"What," Tuck exhaled softly, "are you doin'."
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:27 pm
She had never felt unwelcome in this room. Never in Tuck's presence. And it hurt. Heidi frowned. "I made lunch," she replied softly. Heidi paused, actually having no idea what to say next. "But if you're not hungry, like..it's...all reheatable so I can put it aside until later.."
Heidi wanted to wrap herself around him and never let go. She wanted to toss the basket aside and get down on the floor beside him, even if she couldn't touch him, and just..be there for him. But she was at a loss as to what to do next.
I love you..
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:32 pm
"I ain't hungry."
He fell silent, but he didn't move. All he could do was think about how much they were missing out on, all the lunches they would never get to eat. All the girls they'd never have taking care of them. All he could do was think about how he was the only one who had survived, and then all he could think about was how much he hated himself now.
"I want you to leave. Get your things, all of 'em. You go on back to your old room, find another, I don't care."
Tuck felt drawn so tight that it hurt. Everything ached. He didn't want to have to deal with this now.
And Stormy hadn't even said d**k to him. Evan, neither. Maybe they knew, deep down, that he really was a worthless piece of s**t.
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:36 pm
"That's fine, I understand. I just figured maybe later you would be." She shrugged.
And then her heart stopped.
Green eyes widened and her jaw dropped as she stared down at Tuck. She hadn't heard him right. No way. That. No. Tuck wouldn't say those things. She swallowed hard, rubbing her lips together and shaking her head. She forced a laugh, one of disbelief and fear. "What?" He wasn't serious..
He's tired. He's hurt. He's stressed.
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:42 pm
Every piece of him that had drawn tight completely snapped.
Tuck rolled to his feet and moved in close.
"I said."
Closer.
"I want you to leave."
Closer.
"I want you to get all'a your things."
Closer.
"An' I want you to get the ******** out."
He was a coward. He was a weak ******** coward. And because of that, this was his punishment. Theodore Ross didn't deserve nice. He didn't deserve good. He deserved to feel alone, and he deserved to feel exactly the way he had when Stormy had taken Evan away.
Afraid. Terrified. Alone. Just the way his boys had. And if he had to make Heidi hate him, so ******** be it.
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:45 pm
He stood and Heidi actually jumped. She jumped. And with every step closer he took her chest felt tighter and tighter, her eyes stung, and her legs were screaming at her to back away. But she couldn't. She couldn't back away from Tuck. No. He wasn't saying those things. Not him. Not her Tuck.
Despite her best efforts a few tears began to roll down her cheeks, but her hands were too full of the basket handle she was clinging to for dear life to wipe them away. "Why?" She breathed out, her voice cracking as her breath caught in her throat and made her want to choke on it.
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:57 pm
"Why?"
Tuck turned away and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes again. He let out a laugh that held little humor. He didn't deserve her. He didn't. Tuck knew it. He felt like a ******** fool for even thinking that this would be a second shot at ******** life for him. This island was supposed to be a chance for him to prove himself, to avenge his boys.
All he'd done was set up house with Heidi. It wasn't her fault. It had never been her fault. Only his. He was the one who had ******** up. Lost focus. It had taken Stormy and Evan to make him realize it. This island was not meant to bring him happiness, love, forever after. He'd ******** up.
"Because I ain't gonna play boyfriend no more. You think you're special to me?"
It hurt. That pain pierced through his self-loathing, and he hated himself even more. He was the biggest piece of s**t.
"You ain't. Just a hot, eager piece of a**. That's all. So, go on. Pack your s**t. And kindly get the ******** outta my room. You understand me?"
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 10:25 pm
That laugh felt like a punch to the gut even if it wasn't one of amusement. She knew a forced laugh when she heard one. The question was a stab to her heart, a scalding hot blade that was twisted and pushed in deeper by his words.
No.
No that wasn't true. She refused to believe that. The basket fell from trembling hands. He didn't want to play boyfriend anymore. She hiccuped involuntarily, her mouth opening and then closing. Open. Close. Open. A squeak. She couldn't get words out. No. He couldn't. Not Tuck. Not her Tuck. The man she'd laughed with, traveled with, danced with on rooftops, not the man who went out of his way to try and create a special memory for her when she realized she had forgotten her own eighteenth birthday just after their first meeting; not the Tuck who said he loved her, would do anything for her, not the Tuck she'd given all of herself to.
"No.." She finally managed, her voice barely a whisper. "N..no. You.." Heidi couldn't breathe. No. I love you, he had said. I've never loved anyone like I love you, he had told her. I ain't never wanted someone so much.
His girl. He'd called her his girl.
He'd called her the best girlfriend. He was going to wait for her with flowers, take her on a picnic.
You didn't do those things with a 'piece of a**' who wasn't special.
Tuck was the one man in her life who had never disappointed her. Never let her down. He was the only man who gave a damn about her. The only person who didn't come to her thinking she was the one only to walk past her to someone else or ask about one of her friends. The only man who had only made her cry tears of joy or laughter. The only..person who had never broken her heart.
...Even her best friend had chosen a man over her. Her best friend in the whole world. Her hands flew to her mouth and clamped tightly over it as she stifled a sob, managing to keep from falling to the ground in tears over the overwhelming sense of loss and rejection she was hit with.
Not Tuck.
She choked, coughing and rubbing her face. Heidi's feet finally moved, bringing her around the basket, around Tuck until she was facing him.
Instead of her cries, the room was then filled with the sharp sound of her palm slapping across Tuck's face, tears still rolling down her face and dripping off her chin and her palm now stinging as much as her eyes did.
"You're LYING!" She sobbed. "I'm not just some..big-assed..huge-breasted whore you can toy with and throw away! And you ******** know it!" Heidi shouted painfully. "I'm not stupid, Theodore! I know you're upset! I know you're tired. And stressed. And probably even traumatized right now! A-and this is probably the worst thing to do with you right now all things considered but..damnit! I love you! And I know you love me! Talk to me. Tell me how I can help you."
She lowered her hand, sniffing and trembling from head to toe. "Don't push me away. Not me. Let me help you, let me comfort you, be here for you. Let me be your Moon."
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 7:09 am
The crack of her hand against his face was nothing less than he deserved, and he knew it. Some small, rotten part of him wished that she could just put him down, give him what he deserved - which was nothing. Because that's what his boys had. Nothing. JJ wanted to go back to school. He'd wanted to be an engineer or some s**t, or ******** around with computers. He'd had a girlfriend he'd seen on and off; she'd wanted more, but he'd always kind of had commitment issues. He'd known it, too, and it was always a point of contention in his relationships. Big Sexy - Rick, little Ricky - had a family. Two kids, and another on the way. All boys. He'd always say that his wife was gonna make him keep trying until he put a girl in her. He was convinced that they were going to end up with at least twenty kids, and none of them girls. Everyone had always given him their gum and crackers and tabasco out of their MREs because his kids loved that s**t. Sherman had been quiet, but smart. Joined up to get an education. Had a girl he loved. He'd always been the voice of reason in the group, the quiet guy who never went off half-cocked. They'd been planning a wedding before this last deployment, and Sherman was eager to get back to her so that they could tie the knot. Hoolio - Julian - joined up as soon as he could after becoming a real American citizen. He wanted to thank his country for everything they'd given him, he'd said, and he always went above and beyond the call of duty. He never complained about shitty MREs, about shitting in the desert, days without showers. He never complained about anything. He loved being an American. He loved his family too. Hoolio had a wife and two daughters, and a dog named Bucky. Dollface - James - joined up right out of high school. His daddy had been Army, and his daddy's daddy, and his before him. It ran in the family, and nothing less would be acceptable. He didn't mind too much, he'd always say, because it meant that he got to hang around with assholes like them. Plus Army girls were ******** hot, and Army girls loved Dollface. And that night in the desert with the sky black above them, those men had been left to bleed out into the cold earth beneath them. He hadn't gotten their tags. He hadn't done anything to help. He'd started running to save his own a** the ******** instant JJ's head had hit the ground. As his boys had fallen behind him, one by one, Theodore Ross had kept on running. He'd left them behind to save himself. It had been easy to shove in the back of his mind for the longest time. It had been easy not to think about. Coming to the island was supposed to be his penance paid. He'd never thought he'd find people he loved. People like Heidi. Evan. Stormy. Nevada. Even his ******** twin sister. When Stormy had taken Evan away, it had opened Tuck's eyes. He did not get to have things like love. Things like friendship. Things like laughter and joy and happiness. He did not get to have these things because there were five men who wouldn't get those things either. Five men who died that night, men he hadn't helped, men who were his brothers. Men who would never get to see their families again. Men who would not get to see their kids grow up and have kids of their own. Men who would never get married. Men who would never be able to accomplish their own goals. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to lash out. He wanted to push Heidi against the wall and lose himself in her until things were okay again, until he could forget the things he'd done. He wanted to bury his face against her neck and sob. He wanted her to wrap her arms around him and tell him that everything was going to be fine. He didn't get to want those things. Tuck reached out and picked Heidi up with one arm and moved towards the door. He opened it and set her outside before moving back into the room. Next he grabbed the basket of food. That, too, was set in the hallway. Next came a duffle full of her clothes and toiletries. Her shoes. All the little bits and pieces of her - of them - were shoved into a bag and set in the hall. And then he slammed the door closed.
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 9:17 am
Her heart raced when Tuck reached out to pick her up, as it always did, but for some reason it wasn't the usual happy flutter of love and adoration. It was fear, terror, a dreadful anticipation that she was not going to like what happened next.
And she was right.
Heidi at first stood staring through the doorway completely dumbfounded, green eyes just following Tuck as he rummaged through the room collecting all of her things. No..no, don't do this. Her bottom lip quivered, trying to open enough to get sound out. No. Not to me. Don't push me away. Don't. No. Not me. Stop. Stop. STOP!
And then the door slammed in her face, and while it never touched her it managed to knock the wind from her sails. Her kneels buckled, giving out from under her and sending her to the floor on her hands and knees, her head thumping against the door on her way down. No. Not Tuck. Tuck was never supposed to be the one to do this to her. Not him.
Who would keep his nightmares away? Who would make sure he was eating okay? Who would do his laundry? Who would keep him company? Who would sleep with him at night? Who would...who would...
Heidi choked on another sob. She was in public now. She had to get a hold of herself. Heidi was a firm believer that problems between people should be kept between the involved parties, there was no point in airing out her issues to people it didn't matter to. She didn't want to be an object of rumor and gossip anymore. But she got up on her knees, hitting the door with one fist. "TUCK!" Her voice cracked. "Please...please let me in.." She whimpered. "Not me..." She hit the door again, weaker now. "Wh-what did I do-oo wrong..!"
This was her fault. She'd done something wrong back during the mission after Stormy and Evan hurt him. What had she done wrong? Should she never have approached him at all? Should she have let him go off and do his thing when he clearly wanted her to go away? She should have held his hand tighter, she should have protected him, she should have made sure he didn't get bitten. That was it..when he'd let go of her hand and been bitten...she shouldn't have let him go.
This was her fault...
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 9:20 am
The sound of glass shattering was the only reply that came.
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