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 Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:31 pm
Zia woke up an an audible half scream caught in her breath. And then she realized she hadn't actually been sleeping, although she had sunk onto the bed, she realized, because her sudden and startled reaction was a result of reaching for Chester's side and finding it empty.
The dreamlike state she used to put her in when she was searching Zirconia's memories five years ago had started to become slowly unintentional over the years. She used to pinpoint triggers and avoid them when she needed to. Sometimes an inconvenient, new one would arise and she'd have a troublesome time figuring out what it was and avoiding that one too.
Now they just seemed to come on at random, although thankfully rarely. Still, she lost track of time when it happened, and was usually off kilter for the rest of the day or night when it was over. Doubly so when she didn't get to gradually slip back to reality, but was rather forced from it like now.
She traded her dress and nylons for a robe and paced around the dark bedroom, looking at the crisply made bed again with a frown. He wasn't home. She felt that panic in her chest, still. It wasn't subsiding; She needed to see him.
And he was late. Maybe. She didn't know and didn't seek out a clock to find out but it felt late. It felt like weeks had gone by even though it was probably closer to hours.
Dodge was barking. Not a hostile 'intruder' bark but an excited 'yay someone's home' bark and she took that as her cue to run out barefoot until she collided with the familiar form of Chester Riley and buried her face into his chest with no explanation.
Just one, solid "You're late." Which wasn't usually a crime but tonight it probably was.
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Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2014 11:43 am
Chester was a few hours later than he normally was, coming home. He hated being late because he knew how much that upset his wife, and the last thing he ever wanted to do was upset her. He was almost literally built for her happiness, and found a purpose in making her life at least a little better than it was, if he could.
That was really all he wanted, so he knew, when he stepped into that house, that she would be upset with him. That guilt alone bore heavily on him, without even seeing her yet.
It did not take him long to run into her, though. Or, well, she ran into him.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, knowing that she would not exactly be happy with him if he told her why he was late. He was at his Carnival, again, powered up and almost asking for trouble. None came, but he had not been subtle about his presence there. He was getting bolder, and he knew that meant the Negaverse would be, too, if they ever caught wind of him.
He did not offer her that explanation, though, looking down at her and frowning softly.
"Are you alright? You look pale."
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Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2014 3:24 pm
"You weren't here," Zia said through the muffled layers of his shirt. She didn't cry so easily as she used to, when once every intense emotion seemed to draw out the tears, but she was noticeably shaking regardless of dry eyes.
"I didn't know where you went, if you were coming back," She said with what seemed disproportionate, fervent urgency. She didn't notice until it was out of her mouth, but she instantly regretted the tone. She felt like she was losing her grip on reality, which might've been true, but she didn't want to exactly announce it to the world.
"Where were you?"
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Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 10:22 pm
Chester had a terrible problem with lying to Zia. In that, he could not physically force himself to lie to her, though he certainly wanted to try, for her sake, to tell her a small lie or two now and then. And have them stick. But she always seemed to know when he was lying, or his guilt out him before he had a chance to really get away with it.
He looked at her and his resolve wavered.
The long pause he took between her question and his answer was probably more than enough to give him away. He was so stoic and serious, and his emotions were supposed to be so hard to read, and yet he could not hide a damn thing from her when she looked at him like that. Especially with how she was speaking.
He knew she was dealing with more than just him being late. This was a panic that did not seem wholly warranted. Even so, he could hardly willingly make it worse.
"I was... out." He paused again, but there was no hope. "At the carnival."
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Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2014 9:43 pm
There was a sudden, freezing reaction as she stopped crying into his chest and pulled her face back away from him. She only just now realized how tightly she was gripping his shirt in her fingers and she stared at the white knuckled grasp with awkward astonishment, and then up to his face.
She let him go, and glanced at her fingers as mild pain from the strain she'd put on them started running through her joints, and then threw up her hands with one declaration of, "I need a drink."
She didn't want to seem angry at him for being at the carnival. She had promised herself she'd never try to get in his way although lately that was getting harder to keep. Small delays here and there, small expressions of worry followed by, "Oh, but don't mind me." managed to find their way out of her resolve.
Even now she wasn't angry. Not at him, at least, but there was definitely some frustration in there. She didn't want to have to choose between being in the way of his ambitions and endless worry. She didn't want to be losing her grip on reality and she certainly didn't like being so obnoxiously dependent. Neuroses unwelcome thoughts started swarming as she gripped the sides of her robe and snuggled into it. Bare feet marched inside with purpose and intensity and the invitation was shouted to him as she passed the threshold, "You want one?"
It was all she said to him for a long time as she assembled her usual Scotch on rocks and then rapidly tapped her finger on the glass tumbler, agitated eyes darted every which way. She should tell him, she thought. Tell him she had spaced out again, that this time it was longer that before and it was happening more frequently and that's why she had needed him in that moment, had run to him jarred and fearful and desperate for his attention.
Instead her teeth ground in embarrassment, especially since she had forgone her preferred bottle in favor of one she could reach without assistance. She needed his help for everything. Needed him through moods and detachments from reality. To reach and lift and carry everything. She wanted to tell him, but ended up stopping herself, because the more she thought about why she needed him, she thought about how much she needed him, and the sheer quantity of reasons suddenly made her feel like heavy shackles, holding him in place. Away from purpose, away from ambition, away from dreams they used to share.
So she broke her silence with a question nearly out of the blue. "Did I ruin your life?"
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Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2014 8:11 am
Chester frowned at her, shaking his head slowly as he considered her words. He did not need any time to think about his answer, moving closer to her. He did not want to get too close, though, in case she was still mad at him.
"You gave me something to live for."
"I know that I have... trouble... saying things, sometimes. And I do not show you as much as I could. But you are still the most important thing in my life, and I love you." He spoke slowly, watching her with a patient and quiet look on his face. Sometimes he could be incredibly serene, but generally only with her.
Sometimes he felt like he brought out the worst in her, because she had changed so much over the years and he thought it was because of him. He spent his time quietly trying to make up for it, but he still managed to make things worse, when he did stupid things like sneak out to his carnival.
The drink offer went unanswered.
"I just wish I could help you."
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Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2014 9:44 am
Zia seemed to exhibit frustration in the way she gripped her drink with vengeful fury, but she couldn't place the source of it. The easy answer was not correct. She wasn't frustrated with him, but the only other person in the equation was herself.
"I just... don't..." She struggled to articulate something and then seemed startled, like she hadn't noticed him come closer. "It's not... that."
His worries over his own inability to say things the way he thought they ought to be, the way everyone else thought they ought to be by the basic rules of society never seemed to register with her. She thought he was caring enough, expressive enough. In a way, she meshed with him like she could with no one else, because no one else was going to understand.
His guilt crushed her.
"I love you too," She ended up choking out before seeking courage in her bottle. "Which is why... I... I shouldn't have bombarded you at the door, I was just scared. I shouldn't have done that."
She swallowed and cringed. "Would you fight more? If I wasn't here? Go out there more? Did you want this life?" Which almost seemed like a loaded question. No one wanted false comfort in the confines of what had become a glorified prison of a city. "Would you be making a difference if you didn't have to worry about me? Would you be with someone else? Would you be happier that way? Did you want kids? I don't know, I--... I feel so useless..."
She was so worked up she could hardly keep steady breath in her lungs for complete sentence. The increasing rules, the increasing requests for help, the increasing danger and years of frustrations she had bottled up for her own safety were started to produce hairline cracks in things. "I hate this place. I hate this city. I love you, but I hate the things I say to you, and the things I ask you to do, and the guilt in your eyes when you come home from the carnival and I'm just. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I ruined it," Which was more of a shallow allusion than it seemed. It was a reference to the instant regret for everything she'd just said, creeping in with added nausea, like she'd taken some precious slice of the happiness they'd carved out here and shattered it in a moment of overly emotional weakness.
His earlier answer, the one without hesitation, only seemed to register now and she reacted as if her knees got weak and she closed the distance with what she was sure was the worst hug in the world. Her shoulders racked with repressed sobs, her body against his like she couldn't or wouldn't stand on her own and a craving for closeness that manifested in constant, dynamic movement to keep her grip on him. "Sometimes I feel like you should be living for someone else," She choked out into his shirt. "And that this whole thing is a testament to how selfishly I want to keep you anyway."
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Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2014 11:30 am
"It's okay to be scared."
Chester watched her, his quiet expression softening as he gazed at her. He reached out and put his hand on her arm, stopping her from drinking again, while at the same time listening to her questions for him. There were a lot of them, but none of them seemed out of place, and he certainly owed her an explanation. Some of these things he had not really thought about actively, and was just going with the flow of his instincts, which had been stifled ever since the Negaverse took over.
"I wouldn't have asked you to be with me if I did not want this life. We... could not have predicted the way things would turn, but we've made a home for ourselves here. You are the only thing in my life that I want to protect, and I am your knight. I have always promised you that. And that has never changed. It will never change. Whatever we're doing or where ever we live, that will always be the same."
He took a breath, looking strained. It was difficult for him to talk in long bursts, but he wanted to tell her what he could.
"You haven't ruined anything, Zia. I love you. That's all I need, and you don't have to do anything. I know life isn't perfect and I wish I could make it... better... for you, for us, but if you're not happy then we can do something to change it. Whatever you want to do. I'll follow you, you know. Even if you get rid of me. You might think it would be for my own good, but I'll be with you until you're done with me and I won't leave before that. If you tell me to go because you don't love me any more, then I'll just take care of you from a distance." He held her to him and let her cry, smoothing his hand through her hair.
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