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 Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:57 am
Rep didn't dwell on sadness a lot, it was part of a coping mechanism he'd built up over the course of his entire life. There were a huge number of decisions he considered mistakes that he'd pushed down so far he didn't have to think about them and didn't in day to day life, it let him move along and let him function. But that morning he'd woken up and something was very very wrong. He felt like overnight he'd gone completely insane, like all the restraints on his inner demons had come loose in one fell swoop. He felt physically sick, a rolling twisting nausea that sent him in the direction of the bathroom as soon as he was out of bed. His head was aching with the mother of all ******** migraines and he just wanted to lie on the floor of the bathroom.
Something was really ******** wrong. Even his best attempts to go on and ignore everything were falling pathetically short, the bottomless void of self loathing gaining ground and pulling him in. He was sorry, he was so sorry it was almost impossible to bear, sorry for being born, sorry for hurting everyone to keep them away, sorry for all the people who had died and all the things he'd killed. It hurt, a tight physical pain borne of anxiety and gnawing worry and like an animal caught in a trap that would not let it go, it made him want to gnaw at himself in some desperate attempt to get free. Only there was nothing to gnaw, all of the pain was emotional, somewhere deep inside his head where he couldn't reach it. Holding his head, even hitting it didn't knock anything back into place, all there was was pain.
He'd never learned to say no when it mattered, or yes when it mattered instead. Everything he'd ever done was wrong and had led to nothing but injury and hurt to others. He'd been called cancerous, slowly killing those subjected to him every day, and today he believed it. He was a ******** created solely because someone had bought a cheap contraceptive and even his mother had regretted his existence. He was sorry for all of his mistakes and for the original mistake which was his creation in the first place.
And being truly sorry meant that he should rectify the mistakes he'd made. And that left only one resolution.
Tracey said warningly.
He picked himself up from where he'd been leaning in the bathroom, cleaned himself up and headed back into the room. "I don't deserve to live." he said to Harrison matter-of-factly "I'm going to the cliffs. I'm sorry."
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 10:19 am
Harrison had been sobbing grossly over his phone while Rep was in the bathroom, between blubbering apologies he wasn't in there with him.
He hugged their comforter with one arm, the most keen regret centered on everything he'd said to Jordan. Jordan hadn't done anything wrong, Jordan shouldn't have had to do anything for him. He was lucky to get anything from anybody ever. He could smell the other man if he breathed in deep enough, but the comfort was small compared to the chasing stabs of regret.
He only wiped his eyes long enough to see the screen.
He'd make it right. He'd be nice from now on. He'd never hurt anybody ever again, he was the worst kind of person...
The words from Rep jarred him briefly from the mire of self-pity, right before plunging him to the very bottom of it.
"Wh-what? No! No-, no, NO!" Harrison sobbed, flinging himself off the bed and hanging on to Rep with everything he had while repeating the desperate litany, "You can't. You can't leave me, you said- s**t, s**t."
And he wanted to say not you too, but it wasn't the same, it wasn't close,but because why would anyone want to stick around him? He'd thought, he'd thought this time- but he always thought that, he was ******** blind, and the flaw was deep down in him, it was why Nick had left, why Jordan had left, and now- but this one was like being punched straight in the gut, never, never, no matter what, but he could say what he liked, anyone could say anything, and here he was-
His thoughts spun in a destructive whirlwind. How could Rep think he didn't deserve to live? Was death a better alternative to him?
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 10:58 am
Of course Harrison would try and stop him, he'd always been the only person who cared about him, but it was because fundamentally - just like H had said - he was wrong. He was caught up in the relationship the same way Jordan had been and the only way to set him free was to end everything. If he was dead Harrison could move on, grieve and find someone better. He was just sorry he wasn't good enough to stay, but that was how he always was, self pitying, telling himself he even ******** deserved a single moment of happiness when there were so many more deserving people out there.
He stopped only because Harrison was holding onto him and that presented a logistical dilemma.
The fallen angel hissed. one do not intend to die today.> But he ignored him, because Tracey didn't know what was best for him either, everyone was just being nice or had been clouded beyond repair by his manipulating ways. The fallen angel would be better off able to find a new wielder who was better at this than him.
"I said I wouldn't go where you couldn't follow. And you would, eventually. Maybe not today but eventually." And it hurt to say it to Harrison who'd only ever had faith in him, but even that hurt just became part of the greater storm of emotions, emotions which made him want to flinch away from the other man, to apologise for the contact, to apologise for being inadequate and flawed, unattractive and despicable, apologise for not being infinitely more like he deserved. He wanted to make the emotional pain stop by countering it out with real pain which was more tolerable, but he was even denied that until he could get through Tracey, until he could chew through the fear shield he didn't deserve in the first place and get to the flesh underneath. The cliffs would be easier, there would be less fighting his own regeneration, less fighting overall, just a leap and then an end. He'd be denied the satisfaction of pain but that was more than he deserved
But first he had to remove Harrison from himself, which was easier said than done. "Let me go man." he said. "I want to make it ******** quick and easy rather than drawn out and painful. I don't want to have to fight you and Tracey over this. If you won't let me go I'll have to find another way to do this s**t, and it will probably be a lot messier." It was just unbearable, he felt like he was suffocating under the weight of all the things he'd ever tried to run from, like he was dying from sheer distress and pain. He dug his nails into his palms but even the bite of that wasn't enough to alleviate anything else, it needed to be more, so so much more.
"Everyone's been right all this time man, everyone who said I was a mistake, that I was no good, that I was better off dead. The best apology I can make to them all, and you, is to be the one who cleans up his own mess. I won't be a bother to Allan and Simon, H, You, Melvin, all those people on twitter. I won't be a ******** bother to anyone, hell jumping in the sea they wouldn't even need to bury me, I'd just be gone." He hung his head. "Though maybe even that isn't sorry enough, maybe they'd rather it was long and drawn out. Maybe they'd want to help. But I need to be weak first. I need to be free."
Reaching up, he took hold of Tracey's totem.
And tore the fixed earrings right out of his ear, ignoring the furious, upset screeches of the fallen angel as he did so. And then he tossed them onto the bed. "I'm leaving him here." he said, noting the pain in his bleeding ear though it still wasn't enough, wasn't enough to tone out everything else coming apart in his head.
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 11:50 am
"They're not right. Not about you- they," and he couldn't disparage them, not when he'd treated them all so bad, "d-dont. Please, Rep, nobody matters more to me. Even if it's...if it's because my opinion isn't worth much, because I don't matter. I know I don't matter. Don't leave. Don't die," Harrison plead, and he had nothing to offer Rep except the raw want, "I'll- I'll go with you, even, even there, it's what we said-"
And he didn't let go even as his expression twisted into surprise, and then anguish as Rep ripped Tracey ******** man, <********>, your ear. Tracey... S-stay still."
Harrison loosed one hand to dig in his pocket for his kit, and drew Rep closer, pressing the warm wound shut with fresh gauze.
"You can't," he said hoarse, "don't. Don't hurt yourself."
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:21 pm
"You'll be fine when I'm gone." he said, and right then he believed it. "I need to do this, I can't. I can't ********..." he frowned and tried to wriggle free as Harrison tended to his wound. "Stop. Stop fixing it, I need to make it worse. Stop fixing it!" And there was something manic in his tone as he started to truly panic. He wasn't going to be able to make it to the cliffs, he wasn't going to be able to escape Harrison, and the more Harrison stayed here the more acutely he felt the times when he'd let the other man down, when he'd not been there fast enough, when he'd gotten him hurt with his ******** and the ever-looming threat of H ready to take him away.
And then there were all the friends he'd let down by ending up a f*****t anyway, by being a p***y little homo who wasn't really a man. They'd wasted their ******** time, wasted their friendship on someone who had been a fraud, who hadn't deserved it. He wanted to give it all back because he couldn't cope with it, he couldn't carry the burden, he was sorry because he was too weak to deal with any of this. He just wanted relief, why was he being denied even that?
"If you won't let me go..." he said, heavy with grief and weary.
It stood to reason, he couldn't get free, he wasn't going to be able to, so in panic, ignoring Tracey's pleas for sense and Harrison's pleas for him to calm the hell down he twisted in the other man's grip and sunk his teeth into his own wrist. Tracey snarled fury in Rep's thoughts and restrained any mortal or greivous damage with his shield, but it didn't stop the superficial.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 8:09 am
"How am I gonna be fine. You know- you've got to know, what's going to happen to me. Rep. I'll be dead, same as you. First mission they send us on- what effects you- effects me, it's the same s**t. Don't fidget. Sorry. Sorry, just- stay still. Sorry."
Harrison's grip on Rep firmed up, locking as he wriggled. Harrison kept his ear as still as he could. He wasn't watching for teeth., and he jumped, momentarily losing his grip as Rep tore viciously into his own arm.
Failure, ********, couldn't protect s**t, why would Rep even want him around-
"You- you a*****e," Harrison hooked his elbow around Rep's neck, tugging him backwards, trying to get the sobs under control but disintegrating into an equally panicked, "sorry, sorry, I'm sorry-" he knew he was cutting off Rep's air, knew but there was already a lot of blood-
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 8:33 am
Even in the throes of crippling misery and self destructiveness, Rep wouldn't try to harm Harrison, his struggles were determined but hampered a lot by this limitation. But the more the other man said the more anguished he became. Of course he'd just go and die on the first mission, he'd fallen for all of his charm and honestly ******** believed that there was only Rep in the world for him and no one else. He'd broken him, but that didn't mean he shouldn't set him free. The blood was a start, but it would need to be so much more, he'd gotten rid of Tracey, that was the first step, he just need to do more damage and then it would stop. "Let me ******** GO." he snarled.
He made a frustrated sound an had his further protests cut off as he found himself pulled back and realized his airways were restricted. Suffocation, that would be fine too, anything. It might even bypass the shield. He just needed it to stop, needed to be able to forget, to ignore all the things that raced in his head and wouldn't be pushed away. Still, even while his neck was seized he tried to dig his nails into the already open wound and make it worse.
Tracey in his thoughts was both terrified and furious. Humans were so jackdamn STUPID. There was no way to stop Rep from his hellbent course of self destruction beyond the protection of the shield and he had no option but to trust in Harrison who didn't seem to be in his right mind either.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:49 am
"Something's- it's not right, I don't feel good, and you- We were...we were ******** happy, yesterday-"
Not happy. Not exactly.
"I just- I didn't realize. I didn't realize how shitty I'd been all this time, to you, to everybody. Sh-s**t, stop hurting yourself." The pressure on Rep's neck didn't let up. Harrison held him against his chest. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make sense out of the fog of painful emotions, except for a lingering warning light that it wasn't right- things weren't right (and it was probably his fault).
The apologies spilled out like a compulsive prayer.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:27 pm
Rep didn't fight Harrison's grip around his neck but fought only to do himself more damage. It was a foregone conclusion that he wouldn't win, but in this instance he didn't care. It took very little time for his protesting lungs to give up and lapse him into protective unconsciousness. It was all his fault, even now he was inconveniencing Harrison, making him a murderer the way he always did. They'd been happy and now they weren't and when it came down to it there was just no one else to blame but himself.
As he went out like a light, Tracey yelled expletives into the dark.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:56 pm
Harrison released Rep carefully soon after he felt him go limp. He checked his breathing. It wasn't something he ******** liked doing, "Sorry," he said again, and he knew the difference for normal people between unconscious, brain damage, and dead could be about 7 minutes, so he didn't push it, but he wasn't an expert. He didn't know ******** anything.
Harrison sat Rep up against the bed. Bandaged his wrist and ear, and he'd probably done it wrong, but...who the ******** else was going to do it. Kissed Rep gently, and that was ******** up, who chokes a guy out then kisses him, and who (anyone, anywhere) would want to be kissed by him?
He picked Tracey up off the bed. It felt wrong putting Tracey in his pocket, and he didn't have his ear pierced in the right place. He apologized, "Sorry, Tracey, I don't think...I don't think, s**t's right just now, I'll get you back to him. Sorry," and fixed the angel to B0nez's keychain.
B0nez hadn't been quiet through the whole process, adding suggestions for phrases that sounded stripped from a dating game and Harrison had been neglecting him too- this whole time, all he'd wanted to do was see a pair of tits. And that wasn't unreasonable, why had he refused him for so long, when B0nez did everything for him...?
He hefted Rep over his shoulder.
He couldn't restrain Rep. Who or what could hold him?
They had to go the infirmary. They'd know what to do. Unlike him, they'd had actual training. Sunny had tried, but he'd always been s**t in school.
He fumbled with the lock, and thought he heard shuffling around outside the door, but wasn't sure.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:04 pm
There was quiet in the room, the fight maybe over, and then a sound of fumbling rattling at the door, and Jordan got up, rubbing his arm over his eyes quickly. What was he going to do, if Rep was slipping out to go kill himself? Rep didn't want anything to do with him, but he couldn't let that happen, he couldn't -- he could stop him long enough, maybe --
He stood and waited, tense and feeling sick, and all the time my fault, my fault circled back and back in his mind, a litany of shame and guilt.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:17 pm
Harrison nudged the door open.
He seemed surprised to see Jordan there. Even with the guilt, a train of suspicious thoughts rushed through his mind, and that was his own fault, why did he always have to ******** suspect the worst of people?
They were drugged, they were poisoned, and if anybody deserved revenge, it would be Jordan, and it was fine for him, but why Rep, even if he had his reasons...
Harrison took an uneasy step back.
"Wh-what are you doing here?" he sniffed, trying to ashamedly clear his puffy eyes on his shoulder, arms carrying a very limp and bandaged Rep.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:21 pm
"He said he was going to kill himself, and he didn't text back, and I -- he doesn't want me here but I needed to be sure you were both okay -- he's not, is he -- " Jordan's voice failed him, and he looked from Harrison to Rep's limp form and back, swallowing hard to choke back tears.
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 2:07 pm
"I....I knocked him out. I'm such a piece of s**t. Sorry, he- haha,"
He laughed, maybe part of all the pressure and wound up anxiety, but he couldn't help it.
Rep had still prioritized sending out texts.
He adjusted him on his shoulder.
"Idiot. Sorry. I think...I'm, I'm taking him to the infirmary. Is that the right thing to do? It's probably stupid."
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Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 2:12 pm
A fraction of the awful sick wound-up tension eased away. It would be okay. Harrison knew what to do, would protect Rep. "Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea," Jordan said, and leaned his shoulder against the wall, looking down at his feet. "I'm sorry I'm such a ********," he said. "I'm glad you're taking care of him. I'm glad you're okay. I'll go away now. I'm sorry. I had to know."
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