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The city was peaceful tonight, quiet. Only the hum of traffic reached the ears and most people stuck to the main, well-lit streets this late. Or early, depend on how you looked at it… 3:00 AM was not technically night any more. Gold heels clicked on the concrete as Ida paced the basketball court in the park, her phone clutched in her hand and her eyes staring up at the stars that the lights of the city hid from her. Somewhere up there, Ida was waiting… peaceful, even more quiet than here… safe, and without nightmares.
They were bothering her something horrible lately… not every night, but it felt that way sometimes. The only escape came on her planet, where it felt like her stress and hurt bled into the planet itself and she could sleep without dreaming. The only problem there was that she could only reach that sanctuary once every seven nights… which left six nights, like this one, when she was stranded and left wandering the city like a ghost. Even hunting the youma that infested the city like vermin wasn’t appealing. There were always more of them, and it wasn’t what she really wanted.
The young woman sighed as she turned and paced the other directly, her eyes shut as she walked across the flat space, counting the steps required before she had to turn and pace the other direction. She knew this wasn’t healthy behavior, that it accomplished nothing, but she couldn’t stop herself from it. There was no rest, no relief… She needed something badly, but had no idea what that thing was, or how to get it.
They were bothering her something horrible lately… not every night, but it felt that way sometimes. The only escape came on her planet, where it felt like her stress and hurt bled into the planet itself and she could sleep without dreaming. The only problem there was that she could only reach that sanctuary once every seven nights… which left six nights, like this one, when she was stranded and left wandering the city like a ghost. Even hunting the youma that infested the city like vermin wasn’t appealing. There were always more of them, and it wasn’t what she really wanted.
The young woman sighed as she turned and paced the other directly, her eyes shut as she walked across the flat space, counting the steps required before she had to turn and pace the other direction. She knew this wasn’t healthy behavior, that it accomplished nothing, but she couldn’t stop herself from it. There was no rest, no relief… She needed something badly, but had no idea what that thing was, or how to get it.
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Shang was out late, he had decided on a quick patrol now that he was done his shift at the hospital. He was tired, but only just a little, since he was use to long hours. Even at three am he was fresher than most people, so why not patrol. Dusting youma trying to prey on club goers and people leaving the bar seemed like a good idea, though he couldnt possibly fathom why anyone who lived here would come out in their regular late at night except to work and even then.
He was a little surprised to feel another in the area after he’d been walking for a while, a brighter aura than his, familiar, but not a knight. He figured he would go see what was up, he didn’t feel anything else in the area, so he doubted help was needed, but Shang tended to err on the side of caution, better safe than sorry.
What he saw when he came upon the basketball court surprise him and his brows furrowed. It was Ida he felt and she seemed to be pacing the basketball court. He wondered why she was even out a this time of the morning, even Maia was home in bed by now, usually. He quickened his pace slightly and called out to her.
“Ida,” he said softly before calling out once more a little louder, “Ida are you okay?” He stood on the other side of the fence that encircled the basketball court looking at Ida, concern on his face.
He was a little surprised to feel another in the area after he’d been walking for a while, a brighter aura than his, familiar, but not a knight. He figured he would go see what was up, he didn’t feel anything else in the area, so he doubted help was needed, but Shang tended to err on the side of caution, better safe than sorry.
What he saw when he came upon the basketball court surprise him and his brows furrowed. It was Ida he felt and she seemed to be pacing the basketball court. He wondered why she was even out a this time of the morning, even Maia was home in bed by now, usually. He quickened his pace slightly and called out to her.
“Ida,” he said softly before calling out once more a little louder, “Ida are you okay?” He stood on the other side of the fence that encircled the basketball court looking at Ida, concern on his face.
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She really must have been out of it… the voice suddenly calling her name took her entirely by surprise and Ida startled as she brought her eyes down and cast about for the source. The warmth of an order signature was reassuring, at least, and when she had calmed from the initial surge of adrenaline, the familiarity of it called her back to herself. Her hands eased their grip on her phone as she slowed to a stop, the draw of his aura directing her eyes to where her friend was in the half-light of the city after dark.
“Shang…” She said softly, swallowing before she put on a smile for him. There was an edge to it though, something not quite genuine. “I’m fine! I didn’t feel you, I’m sorry. I’m just… I was just… thinking.” The young woman fiddled with her phone as she glanced down at it, shifting from foot to foot. It wasn’t that she wasn’t glad to see him, but… she felt so conflicted right now, she honestly wasn’t sure what to say to him. Even just his presence though, standing there behind the fence, eased some of her tension.
“You’re… out late.” Ida finally managed, feeling lame. She hadn’t seen him since… that night. She hadn’t seen much of anyone, giving up her normal patrols with her team to patrol alone instead. It was too painful, trying to act normally with everyone. Not acting like normal, though, begged questions of why she was upset and she just wasn’t ready to share that. It was too raw, still, too fresh… and the shame of it weighed heavily on her thoughts. They all deserved someone better, stronger, smarter… someone who didn’t freeze up or freak out over little things that called up memories she wanted to forget so badly.
“Shang…” She said softly, swallowing before she put on a smile for him. There was an edge to it though, something not quite genuine. “I’m fine! I didn’t feel you, I’m sorry. I’m just… I was just… thinking.” The young woman fiddled with her phone as she glanced down at it, shifting from foot to foot. It wasn’t that she wasn’t glad to see him, but… she felt so conflicted right now, she honestly wasn’t sure what to say to him. Even just his presence though, standing there behind the fence, eased some of her tension.
“You’re… out late.” Ida finally managed, feeling lame. She hadn’t seen him since… that night. She hadn’t seen much of anyone, giving up her normal patrols with her team to patrol alone instead. It was too painful, trying to act normally with everyone. Not acting like normal, though, begged questions of why she was upset and she just wasn’t ready to share that. It was too raw, still, too fresh… and the shame of it weighed heavily on her thoughts. They all deserved someone better, stronger, smarter… someone who didn’t freeze up or freak out over little things that called up memories she wanted to forget so badly.
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Shang found himself looking for a entrance for the court before shaking his head and hopping the fence. Seriously when one could jump onto a roof, what was a fence? He straightened his clothes and listened to Ida speak, but she seemed different despite the words she spoke. It was her body language that gave her away. He may have been completely oblivious in some matters, something that was lessening the more he actually socialized, but he could tell when something was wrong with someone. He was a doctor it was the sort of thing he needed to be able to tell, be it the patient or a loved one.
“You’re out late as well and pacing isn’t generally a sign of being okay Ida.” He gave her a curious glance and then a soft smile because at least physically she didn’t appear to be injured in anyway and that was reassuring.
He walked up to her and put a hand on her arm and leaning his head to the side slightly, the picture of curiosity, while still looking concerned, “Care to tell me what’s up? After three a.m. seems like a good time to be sleep. I would be if I didn’t just get off from work.”
“You’re out late as well and pacing isn’t generally a sign of being okay Ida.” He gave her a curious glance and then a soft smile because at least physically she didn’t appear to be injured in anyway and that was reassuring.
He walked up to her and put a hand on her arm and leaning his head to the side slightly, the picture of curiosity, while still looking concerned, “Care to tell me what’s up? After three a.m. seems like a good time to be sleep. I would be if I didn’t just get off from work.”
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The young woman flinched when he touched her arm, but beyond the small twitch, she made no move to pull away from it. His hand was warm, and yes, comforting… different from memories of someone else.
“I’m fine, I just… I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been having nightmares and there is a lot on my mind…” She said as she shifted again, shutting her phone and sending it away to its subspace pocket. He was being so kind… she didn’t deserve it. “I wanted to go to Ida, but its too soon. I really… need to go, but I can’t. But its not a big deal, I mean… you shouldn’t worry about it, its really not something I want to bother you with.”
It was hard to look him in the eye right now, so her eyes stayed on level with his coat, with the chain running from his buttons to his pocket. She remembered that time on Ida, when he had given her a chain from his belt and she had woven flowers around it to hang in the three. She remembered the wish she had made then and it made her chest squeeze painfully. What a laugh… she’d been so naive, so stupid. Her eyes felt hot, too bright in the darkness, and her breath came shallow. She couldn’t deal with this… even a month later, she was still so conflicted and lost.
“I’m sorry if I took you away from your patrol. Its really… its fine.” Okay, so maybe that didn’t sound fine. She made a note to herself to just… stop talking. He already seemed concerned and she was just going to make it worse.
“I’m fine, I just… I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been having nightmares and there is a lot on my mind…” She said as she shifted again, shutting her phone and sending it away to its subspace pocket. He was being so kind… she didn’t deserve it. “I wanted to go to Ida, but its too soon. I really… need to go, but I can’t. But its not a big deal, I mean… you shouldn’t worry about it, its really not something I want to bother you with.”
It was hard to look him in the eye right now, so her eyes stayed on level with his coat, with the chain running from his buttons to his pocket. She remembered that time on Ida, when he had given her a chain from his belt and she had woven flowers around it to hang in the three. She remembered the wish she had made then and it made her chest squeeze painfully. What a laugh… she’d been so naive, so stupid. Her eyes felt hot, too bright in the darkness, and her breath came shallow. She couldn’t deal with this… even a month later, she was still so conflicted and lost.
“I’m sorry if I took you away from your patrol. Its really… its fine.” Okay, so maybe that didn’t sound fine. She made a note to herself to just… stop talking. He already seemed concerned and she was just going to make it worse.
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Shang look actually shifted to a look of understanding, not noticing the flinch, even if he didn’t know what was causing the nightmares, she actually seemed to have a similar reaction to his sister, thought he didn’t recall her having nightmares for a while, a long while. “I can understand wanting to escape them like that. It helps, to go to you planet, doesn’t it. Thats how it is, not just for you …”
He paused for a moment and looked up to the sky wondering where Ida was up there. He was no astronomer, he generally could only find iconic things in the night sky, like the big dipper or orion. “It’s summer now, school is over right. Maybe you should try staying for a while. You can you know, stay for as long as you need, so long as you take food and water with you. Though,” she said looking back to her, “talking about it might help as well, since you can’t go there now. You aren’t bothering me and you aren’t taking me away from my patrol. I’m here because I want to be and if you need me I am all ears.”
He sighed audibly not liking her saying she was fine, when she clearly wasn’t fine. She didn’t really sound fine and she was having nightmares. Shang himself rarely dreamed, he thought often that it was probably because he was just too tired to do so, or something he didn’t know. He guessed it was lucky in a way because that meant he didn’t often have nightmares either or at the very least he never remembered anything of the sort.
“Come on,” he said gesturing to a bench off on another side of the court. He wouldn’t have been able to patrol any way, his thoughts were likely to just end up circling back to Ida and he have ended up back at the basketball court anyway. No, he wanted to see if he could help his friend, he didn’t want to see her upset, or hurt. Her smile was a nice sight, one he was sort of use to, he much preferred it and who wouldn’t?
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“I… can’t.” Ida said as she finally pulled away, turning away a little to give herself some breathing room. “I can’t… talk about it. You don’t understand, you don’t know…” Gods… the thought of telling him, it was intolerable. The thought of him knowing… she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if he looked at her different, afterwards. Her heart squeezed again and she pressed her hand to her chest over her bow, as though she could somehow ease the ache with a little pressure.
She shook her head as he gestured to the bench, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but here. She didn’t deserve his comfort right now, it only reminded her of things that had changed, things that she couldn’t change back. She’d lost something and she felt so much less because of it… he wouldn’t understand that, she was sure of it.
“Being on Ida helps… but I can only stay so long. My Da wonders where I go if I take too long. But… all I want to do lately is just get away. Its safe there, and quiet, and I can forget.” This was probably not making any sense at all, but… she couldn’t have put a proper thought together if she’d tried right now. “I’m… sorry. I know I’m not making much sense.” She murmured, the smile she offered him brittle and thin, her eyes still lowered and angled away.
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When Ida pulled away, Shang was a bit confused, but decided not to push it at the moment. She was right he didn’t understand and currently that wasn’t being remedied by somewhat disjointed sentences and the way she was behaving. It only made him more concerned that there was something deeply wrong here in the moment.
He gave her a saddened look, his confusion evident in his eyes, he didn’t continue toward the bench, remained standing where he was looking at Ida. He wanted to help her, but he couldn’t not if she wouldn’t talk to him. He was entirely used to this sort of situation, not in this manner anyway. There were kids in the hospital that wouldn’t talk to him before, angry about something like putting in an IV, this was wholly different.
“Ida,” he started, but the words dropped off. She admitted being on Ida helped, but he shook his head when she mentioned not being able to stay long. “As terrible as this sounds, Maia has done this before and she would tell our parents she was going on a camping trip and I would vouch for her. There are a lot of other excuses one could use, like a college weekend, campus tour or something like that. A girl’s week. That might not be something you want to hear, to essentially lie, but if it will help and it something you need then its for the best.” Yes, he was encouraging her to lie, but it looked to him that she needed to work through whatever was wrong.
“But … Ida,” he said, his hand going to reach out to her, wanting her to look at him, hear him, but it fell short and returned to his side. “I wish you would help me understand. Talk to me, please. I want to help you. I promise you I’m here you, okay? No matter what.”
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It hurt… it hurt so much to hear him speak like that. A deep breath was pulled in and let out shakily as she closed her eyes, feeling them well up and spill over. She made a soft sound in her throat before she pressed her lips together to quiet it.
“I’m afraid.” She finally managed to get out, drawing another deep breath before she opened her eyes to look up at him, blinking rapidly. “I’m afraid if I tell you, you won’t… you won’t look at me like that anymore.” Reaching up, the young woman roughly rubbed the tears from her face, trying to steady her breathing as it threatened to break into sobs. How was she supposed to ease his worry without admitting why she was upset? But… maybe she should. Maybe she should tell him everything and let him turn away from her, because it was what she felt she deserved.
Drawing a shaky breath, her hands curled into fists at her sides and she straightened her shoulders, trying to draw some small strength into herself. Ida braced herself, her voice losing tone and going flat.
“That negaverse officer, the one that they tried to kill in the warehouse? I knew him. His name was Bischofite, but when he dropped his power, I knew the civilian too. He was one of my friends, Shang. He had been coming to the shop, I’d even helped him through morphine withdrawal.” She said, finding that the longer she talked the faster the words spilled out of her. Her voice rose in pitch as well, turning nearly frantic. “He’s met my father, my brother… he’s been inside my house. And I… I slept with him. He saw my scars and one of them HE GAVE ME. I let him into my life and this whole time… THE WHOLE TIME, he was one of them!”
She was starting to shake… she could feel the tremble all through her, but she couldn’t stop it, remembering the things that had happened, the things she had done, and how close she had let him get.
“I saw him turn a girl into a youma, Shang! He’s had his hand inside my chest, around my starseed! I can’t sleep because every night I keep dreaming about him ripping it out like that captain did and then the world explodes around me and I wake up screaming…” The panic attack was fast setting in and she couldn’t breathe… she gasped in shallow draws as she struggled to find enough air past the iron bands squeezing around her chest.
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Shang shook his head at her words, he didn’t think there was anything that could make him look at her differently, even if she made a mistake, even if she killed someone in the crazy war they fought in and he went to say so, but it looked like she was about to cry. He wanted to hug her, to make the hurt go away, to offer some sort of comfort, but after a moment she seemed to get some semblance of control and then she was talking, telling him what all this was about.
With each word, he was a bit more shocked. It seemed Ida had a very very good reason to be so upset, a very good reason for the nightmares, but it didn’t make him look at her differently. It wasn’t her fault, this wasn’t something she could control, it also wasn’t something she could change. She hadn’t done anything he assumed, but follow her heart, her gut. While it hadn’t lead to particularly good things, that much was obvious, it didn’t change Shang opinion of Ida.
After her rant, the spilling of words in an outpour that Shang felt Ida needed. She was on the verge of a panic attack which quickly brought him to action, putting a hand on her arm and placing a hand under her chin to make sure she was looking at him. “Ida, listen to me. You have to calm down. Just listen to my voice and breath. In. One, two. Out. One, two. In. One, two. Out. One, two.”
This continued for a few moment before Shang stopped, “Ida those things. Those things, they aren’t your fault. How you to know without telling him your secret? I’m sure you assumed he was just another person, one shouldn’t have to think when meeting someone, is this person trying to kill me at night. Maybe he was a bad person, obviously he did bad things, but I’m sure every moment with you made him better. All of us, Im sure our paths cross often, but we all have lives outside of this, we all have to be normal. It a price, a heavy price, you shouldn't have had to be burdened with it because you fight to protect this place, but you may become stronger for it.”
In all honestly, he just want to make Ida feel better and while he believed what he said, he also didn’t fully know what he was murmuring in an attempt to calm her. He moved to hug her hoping she would pull away because he’d likely just hold tighter. He was a little at a loss for words for a moment, he didn't want to say anything to make matters worse, he barely remembered what he said a moment ago, so he settled for reassurance, “I won't look at you different. You’re still Ida, strong, sweet and resilient. My friend, one of the best I could ever ask for, one that I would never want to lose.”
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She felt the hand under her chin and she lifted her eyes to find Shang's, her gaze wide and full of hurt as she struggled to breathe. She listened to his counting and struggled to follow it, taking one deep breath after another as tears ran down her cheeks unchecked. She couldn't stop them any more than she could stop the pain that poured out.
"I should have known..." Ida said brokenly between shaky inhales. "How do you hide something like that from someone? How do you pretend to be a normal person when you've k-killed people...? He's a monster... he was never a normal human being... I never made him better, I just let him make me worse. I feel like I'm stained, Shang... like I can't get clean no matter how much I wash..."
Her voice broke on a sob as he hugged her, reaching to curl her fingers into his coat and clutch it tightly. He was saying sweet, kind things... she could hear them, rolling over her and the haze she seemed to be swimming in. He was too good for this, too good for her, but she couldn't bring herself to pull away from his hold. It felt good... he was warm, caring, everything she wasn't used to. It was so easy to just bury her face in his chest and let him hold her, easing some of the ache in her soul. Her shoulders still shook, but breathing was coming easier now, thankfully. The squeeze was easing up and her tension was leaking away. How could he be so different from Alois? Why couldn’t the german have been more like him? Things would have been easier if Alois had never entered her shop, had never invaded her life… maybe she could have found someone better, someone she wouldn’t have regretted so much.
“I’m sorry.” She said into his chest as she released his coat and wrapped her arms around his chest, hugging him tightly. Maybe she could just take this small bit of comfort for now… even if it didn’t heal much of anything, it was a respite, and she so needed that right now. She was just wrung out, so incredibly tired and drained of everything that wasn’t regret and despair. Ida so wanted to just go to sleep and sleep for years… sleep until the pain went away and breathing didn’t hurt any more.
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Shang shook his head, he was sure Ida could feel the motion wrapped in the hug, Shang had no intentions of letting go at the moment. “Sshhhh no, you shouldn't have known. You are a senshi, not a psychic. We’re hiding too, its simple, you don’t recognize them in their daily lives, something keeps it from being possible, for our safety, for theirs. I will not justify his actions, but a person will do terrible things in the name of something they believe in, to protect a person or an ideal. War is messy, confusing, awful, but that is what we are fighting. Maybe you feel you made a mistake, but he didn’t make you worse and he didn’t taint you. He hurt you, but all these feeling, these emotions tearing you up inside, they tell you that you care, even if this is beyond your control. So no you’re not worse.”
He sighed rubbing her back, “You might not see it right now, but things will get better. The nightmares will subside and you will be able to see more clearly.”
When she wrapped her arms around him, he smiled just a little, resting his chin atop her head, “It’s okay. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I said I was here for you and I meant it,
with every fiber of my being. You’re not alone, you don’t have to deal with this alone.”
Shang felt tired too like he’d ran a mile, so to speak, for all his words he wasn’t entirely sure they were working. He was still worried about Ida and felt he should try to keep an eye on her, though he thought that might be easier said than done. “Would it help if you were just not here, on earth that is? It would not be the same as going to Ida, but I could take you to Shangri-La for a bit. It’s quiet and safe, maybe it will help put you a bit more at ease.”
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Ida knew, logically, that what he said was true. She also knew that he was just trying to make her feel better, to comfort her, because for some reason, he cared. It still hurt, that much hadn’t changed, but she felt a little less desperate now, a little less fragile… a little less like she was going to break into tiny little pieces, shatter like glass. His chest was warm under cheek and she could feel his chin on top of her head, like she fit right like this. Ida drew a ragged breath and let it out again, staring out at the world from under her lashes without seeing anything.
She didn’t know what she was going to do, where she would go from here, but… it just felt good, like this. A sigh gusted past her lips as she felt herself calming down, the tears slowing to a stop. She tightened her arms for a moment when he mentioned Shangri-la, pondering it. It would be safe there, safe like on Ida, if not quite the same. And… Shang would be there, this time. It was a definite lure… very tempting. She’d never been good with temptation, as recent events had proven. It was always just so much easier to give in to what she wanted, even if it turned out badly. Maybe this time that wouldn’t be case…
Ida eased her hold on Shang, her hands sliding down his back as she straightened up. “You don’t have to take me to your wonder, Shang… but I wouldn’t say no. It sounds… nice. Any where that isn’t here sounds nice.” She said softly as she dropped her eyes, reluctant to remove her arms from around his waist.
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Ida was calmer, more at ease, no longer crying making Shang feel as though maybe he had helped, even if only just a little.This wasn’t something that could be fixed in a night, he was sure of it, but he was glad to be there to help. He wondered if anyone close to him was fighting on the other side of the war. Did he really want to know? If he did he wondered how much it would really change? He hoped if he was, they were effected by him in a good way, that maybe his friendship helped.
Ida loosened her grip on Shang, but she didn’t let go and neither did he. He would offer any amount of comfort she needed that he could give. When she spoke he smiled, “no I don’t have to, but I want to. I think that you would like it, its beautiful, calming, it might help. I love being there and its been a little while since I went. Beside there is something I want to show you.”
He released his hold on Ida, though his hand reached for her arm sliding down to take her hand in his and giving it a squeeze. He thought maybe the view of the valley might help, it was simply stunning. “We can go and be be back before sunrise, if you like. Whatever you need Ida, whatever you need.”
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As he stepped back, she let her arms fall from around him, her expression sad, but calm. When his hand slid down her arm, she curled her fingers to meet him in a trusting gesture. She could go wherever he led and know she’d be safe. She was always safe with him and that thought made so many things easier to bear. She perked up, just a little, when he said he wanted to show her something and there was some interest in her eyes.
“I have school later, but as long as I make it on time, it doesn’t matter how long we stay.” She said, her voice soft and low. “I wish we had decided to go under better circumstances. Your wonder deserves better than… this.”
He was so kind… she didn’t know what she had done to deserve that. Especially now… despite everything, despite knowing, he only worried about how upset she was and making her feel better. Reaching up, she scrubbed her face with her hand, wiping away the tears from her cheeks and tucking her hair back into her hood. Still… the idea of escaping made her already feel better. It was like she’d grown addicted to it, to the idea of leaving all of this behind for a while. Maybe it wasn’t healthy, but it seemed to help being able to just forget and relax. She didn’t know if any healing was going on, but it wouldn’t have changed her need for it if there hadn’t been.