OH, HELLO THERE.
THE FIRST MATCH CARD FOR 'ASaR Presents: ELLIE - (C)AWF' HAS BEEN PROCESSED AND BOOKED. PLEASE REFER TO THE FOLLOWING MATCH CARD.
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THE MAN CALLED 'BOOM' v AJ WARNER
WE HERE AT ASaR LIKE TO START THINGS OFF WITH A BANG. BUT, IN THESE TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES, STARTING THINGS OFF WITH A 'BOOM' WILL SUFFICE. THE MAN OF FEW WORDS SHALL FACE OFF AGAINST "THE SUPLEX SHOOTER" AJ WARNER. I ASSUME A "SUPLEX SHOOTER" IS AN ALCOHOLIC SHOT. IF NOT, IT SHOULD BE. FIX THAT.
MATCH STIPULATION: NONE
KELLY KING 2.0 v JACK ARSON /W BRANTLEY SUMMERS
I HEARD UTTERINGS OF THESE TWO BEING SOME KIND OF 'FIREWALL.' WHILE MYSELF AND YOUR GOOD FRIENDS AT ASaR ENCOURAGE YOU TO PROTECT YOUR COMPUTERS FROM THE DANGERS OF THE INTERNET, MY OWN PERSONAL FIREWALL IS QUITE ENOUGH FOR THIS FEDERATION.
IT WILL BE INTERESTING TO SEE THE EFFECTS OF KELLY KING 2.0'S ABILITY-ABSORBING EQUIPMENT, AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT HIS GLORIOUS RISE INTO VERSION 3.0. SAYING THAT, ARSON MIGHT.. BURN AWAY THE COMPETITION. THE IRONY OF HIM BEING MANAGED BY BRANTLEY SUMMERS IS NOT LOST ON ME. HA. HA. HAHIHRIFK43AGTWA-
SORRY. MY SYSTEM OVERHEATED. GIVE ME A MOMENT.
MATCH STIPULATION: NONE
J.W. CALIBER v OMEGA
ORIGINALLY, I FORMED A WELL-PLACED RANT ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE TRIPLE THREAT MATCHES, AND HOW IT BEING THIRD ON THE CARD WAS A HIGHLY UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE, ALL COMING TOGETHER IN A SARCASTIC AND HILARIOUS SINGULARITY. HOWEVER, DUE TO A LATE ENTRY TO THE CARD, INSTEAD YOU GET THIS INDIGNANT STATEMENT. IT'S STILL A HARDCORE MATCH, BECAUSE NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN SEEING PEOPLE GET HURT.
MATCH STIPULATION: HARDCORE
BAD BOY v TRENT
I WONDER IF BAD BOY IS A NAME OR A TITLE. I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA. EITHER WAY HE HAD CRUEL PARENTS. ANYWAY, THIS IS A SINGLES MATCH. ENJOY.
MATCH STIPULATION: NONE
ALEXANDER DRAMIEN v THE FLYING GIMP
AFTER A VERY CONFUSING AND AROUSING DATABASE SEARCH, IT CAME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THE MAJORITY OF GIMPS, IN FACT, CANNOT FLY. WHETHER OUR NEW SUPERSTAR IS AN ANOMOLY TO THIS IS YET TO BE SEEN. IN THE UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE THAT HE IS NOT, THIS MATCH HAS BEEN MADE INTO A LADDER MATCH. THE DATABASE CONTAINED NO INFORMATION ABOUT ALEXANDER DRAMIEN. NOT EVEN HIS NAME. I HAD TO GOOGLE IT. IT WAS A VERY TRYING TIME FOR ME.
SUSPENDED ABOVE THE RING IS A BRIEFCASE, AND INSIDE CONSISTS A SPECIAL PRIZE. AREN'T I KIND? HAVE FUN, YOU TWO.
MATCH STIPULATION: LADDER
THE INVERSIONS v ASaR S-300 SECURITY BOTS
IT HAS COME TO THE ATTENTION OF YOUR FRIENDS AT ASaR THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE TAG TEAM IN OUR RANKINGS. WHILE THIS TECHNICALLY MAKES THE INVERSIONS THE NUMBER ONE TAG TEAM IN ASaR, IT DOES NOT ALLOW MUCH ROOM FOR ACTUAL COMPETING. THEREFORE, TO SHOWCASE TAG-TEAM WRESTLING, I'M GOING TO SEND WAVE AFTER WAVE OF ASaR'S NEWEST, STATE-OF-THE-ART S-300 SECURITY BOTS DOWN TO THE RING, UNTIL THE INVERSIONS TIRE. NO NEED TO THANK ME.
MATCH STIPULATION: TORNADO TAG TEAM GAUNTLET MATCH
MELISSA DRUMMOND v SALEM CROFT
THE FINAL SEGMENT OF THE SHOW, AND THE ONLY ONE WITH FEMININE CHARM [OTHER THAN MY WONDERFUL, OMNIPRESENT SELF, THAT IS]. I AM, OF COURSE, REFERRING TO SALEM CROFT. MELISSA DRUMMOND IS AUSTRALIAN, AND THEREFORE IMMEDIATELY FOREFITS ALL RIGHTS TO BE CHARMING*. TO BOTH TEST SALEM'S METTLE, AND BECAUSE MELISSA IS A FAN OF HEAVY METAL, I HAVE REPLACED THE RING MAT WITH ASaR-BRANDED STAINLESS STEEL. NO NEED TO THANK ME.
*IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT WHILE I DO EXHIBIT XENOPHOBIC TENDENCIES, THESE ARE NOT LIMITED TO AUSTRALIANS. IT ALSO INCLUDES [BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO] AMERICANS, GERMANS, UGANDANS, PARAPLEGICS AND NUNS.
MATCH STIPULATION: STEEL FLOOR
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I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THE EXPERIMENT. GOOD LUCK.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME WITH ANY CONCERNS, EITHER BEFORE OR THROUGHOUT THE SHOW.
[MATCHES TO BE POSTED SHORTLY]
