Rating: T
Status: Complete
Summery: Have you ever been so wildly attracted to someone that you can actually feel your heart rotting just because you know you'll never get a chance with them?
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Have you ever been so wildly attracted to someone that you can actually feel your heart rotting just because you know you'll never get a chance with them?
That's how I feel about Lisa.
It's funny—not funny "haha", but funny "interesting"—because we didn't get along at all in the beginning. I was the smooth-talking guitar playing lesbian in a leather jacket, and she was your stereotypical popular girl who wore make up and dresses.
Except she was legally blind. And that's probably what's kept her by my side all this time.
My mom and her mom agreed—behind our backs, mind you—that I would be helping Lisa up the steps of the bus, save her a seat, help her get to any classes I could, and help her down the steps of the bus after school. That meant completely rearranging my life to revolve around a girl I hadn't seen since we were babies, because she had moved to the South. I had to change my schedule, make sure we had clubs on the same days after school, and make sure this princess got everything she wanted. And of course, she said she didn't want this. But I didn't believe her. Who wouldn't want their own personal butler?
Well, I learned she didn't like being helped and herded. I learned that she wasn't born blind—yes, we had known each other in kindergarten, but I didn't remember any of that. Her eye sight began to deteriorate after that and no one knew why. Left as it is, she'll be completely blind somewhere between 18 and 21 years of age. I came to understand just how scary that must be; to have the world get blurrier and dimmer, waiting to be swallowed into the dark. Having to rely on a long white stick to keep you from getting seriously injured could make anyone paranoid, and yet she seemed to be getting along just fine in the world.
I never really came to see her as a poor disabled girl. There were few things she couldn't do. She had a tablet where she did all her work in huge font she could see, and had a special magnifying glass-type app that let her use the camera to see things far away. She took fitness instead of any sports for P.E., and had joined chorus. She was like anyone else. Slowly, I got to know her better.
I wasn't showing my true self to her, though. At least, not most of the time. I found it entertaining to go around with my guitar, hitting on every girl in sight by singing to them. I often got a make out session out of it. I was yet to find my forever girl, however. This is how I conducted my search for her. I was seen as an awful person, both people who had never had their first kiss and people who slept around, which makes no sense to me. Mostly, I was hated for being gay. Aristotle School is known as a super liberal school, but that's not what I've seen. I've seen soda splashed all over my clothes, and while I'm still wearing them, mind you. I've seen my lock picked a dozen times, though I've learned not to leave any valuables in there. They still steal my textbooks or notebooks sometimes, though. I've seen teachers witness me being physically assaulted and remain silent. Every once in a while a male teacher will separate us, but they'll never tell on the bullies.
Shouldn't be too hard, then, to understand how astonished I was when Lisa stuck by my side. She never witnessed any of the bullying, but she did know I was a lesbian and that no one liked it. Except Sebastian, but he doesn't count, 'cause he's gay himself. She only seemed to hate it that I flirted with every girl in school.
Even as she made other friends who were willing to sit with her on the bus and help her to classes, she stuck with me. We never discussed it. One day I invited her to a coffee and tea shop near her house, and she accepted. I later found out a boy had asked her out that same day and she turned him down because we already had plans. It's amazing how a friendship between someone like her and someone like me flourished.
I can't tell you exactly when it became something more than that for me. Probably somewhere between her finding me in the piano room and her starting to lay her head on my shoulder during chorus. She's beautiful, with her blonde hair and green eyes and cute giggle. She was incredibly intelligent, had her funny moments, was a great listener, and had this air of confidence around me alone that she hid behind shyness at school. I found myself blushing whenever she smiled brightly directly at me, when she laughed at a joke of mine, whenever we touched. It just got worse, and it's totally out of control now.
Straight girls have never been such a problem. They usually played along with my advances, and if they never approached me afterwards, I knew they weren't interested. And I knew Lisa wasn't either, but it was different with her. She had quickly become my best friend—something Sebastian was jealous about until I told him about my crush; then he just felt bad for me.
I've known her for less than a year, but she's become the most important part of it. When my mother threatened to kick me out, she cheered me up with fantastical tales of our adventures around the globe. When I needed cheering up after a bad day with the bullies, she took me out to the coffee and tea place and bought me a cupcake.
When she found out how much time she had left before going completely blind, she called me and I ran all the way to her house. She asked me hold her, and I did, for the whole time that she cried. The helplessness I felt knowing there was nothing I could do to help her problems go away... it was unbearable. So when her sobs subsided but the tears continued to flow, I sang her favorite songs. About a half hour later, when she pulled away from me and looked into my eyes with sad smile on her lips, my heart shattered and I wanted to cry myself.
Instead, when she turned around and leaned against me, I put my arms around her, and we sat like that for a while. I pulled her closer and gave her a peck on the cheek. Platonic, of course. The temptation to kiss her was an enormous torture.
Have you ever been so wildly attracted to someone that you can actually feel your heart rotting just because you know you'll never get a chance with them?
That's how I feel about Lisa.
