Welcome to Gaia! ::

A book lay open on the coffee table beside a small stack of square paper, and Jordan read down the page, following the instructions one at a time. It had been some time since he'd done any origami, and his fingers felt clumsy. He set aside the somewhat misshapen dragon he'd made, then tucked the extra paper into the front cover of the book and closed it; the exercise hadn't calmed him as he'd hoped it might, and he still felt the restless unease that had been nagging at him on and off.

He rubbed his thumb across his fingertips, watching the absentminded motion without really seeing it. He'd been outside himself for a while; he didn't want to get back to that place. Defining himself by what he meant to others had hurt him and everyone around him, but he needed people, too. Isolating himself and drawing into his shell left him paranoid, out of touch, and distant. It was a state that had worked before he had Ferros, before he was a Hunter, but certainly not one that worked now. Balance. He needed balance. Maybe that should have been obvious.

And keeping the paranoia away meant, first and foremost, reaching out and keeping himself from withdrawing. The less he talked to the people he cared about, the less he knew about them, the more he would make assumptions and use unsupported ideas to build shaky logic. He sighed and picked up the paper dragon to make its folds neater, then put it down a moment later. Avoidance.

He got up and padded over to stretch out on the bed, propping his head on his hand and waiting until Rep seemed to have paused in what he was doing with the laptop. Then he took a careful breath and said, "Sometimes I get worried that you'll get tired of me."

"I didn't say it was logical," Jordan answered, with the ghost of a smile; the smile slipped off after a moment, though, and he studied Rep's face. "You asked me once what I saw in you," he said. "I guess it's my turn to ask that question." He squashed the impulse to add a self-deprecating joke, something along the lines of bit late now, not wanting to turn the offer of his honesty and need into something more like begging.

Jordan digested the answer, considering it carefully. It felt uncertain, but he'd hard a hard time putting it into words when Rep had asked, and he was better at putting things into words, generally. "There's more to you than people think, too."

He sighed and rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up with his elbows. "Feels like I've been pissing you off more lately, I guess."

"I think ... I stopped trusting myself," Jordan said quietly. "Maybe I'm thinking too much. We've always worked better when I just trusted you." He met Rep's eyes steadily. "Mind if I go out to the cliffs sometime?"

Jordan watched Rep's face as he thought about it, watched the play of emotions and tried not to analyze, for once, for the first time in a long time. Too long. There was regret there, a trace of guilt, some of the stubbornness he was so used to, and by the time Rep spoke again, Jordan was mostly ready for the answer he got. "Okay," he said, and, meditatively, "I'm pushing too hard, huh."

He reached out to touch Rep's arm, resting his hand there briefly, not long enough to feel restrictive but needing to touch his skin. "Is there something you want to do with me? I want to just be with you."

Jordan's eyebrows jumped. "Of course I do." He blinked at Rep, processing the comment. "You're jealous," he said, and didn't try to keep the surprise out of his tone. "I thought you just didn't like it when I do stupid s**t."

He shouldn't be pleased that Rep was jealous, but the realization woke a small flame of satisfaction somewhere in him. Reflexively, he tried to snuff it out. Then he stopped. He could deny it, but that was part of what he felt, for better or for worse. He could feel it without encouraging it or feeling shame over it, without letting it drive him in either direction, if he could just ... accept it for what it was. He touched the idea tentatively. It didn't hurt.

Ferros shifted, listening, and Jordan sensed that the weapon understood; for the dragon, loyalty and possession were two sides of the same coin, one never present without the other to flavor it. It wasn't that different from his own point of view. Rep, too, defined others as his or not his.

Jordan sat up, studying Rep. "I haven't been doing a good job of being your friend," he said, thinking back. "Not for a while ... I guess I've been too wrapped up in trying to get something right, instead of just doing things." He sighed. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

He rubbed a hand over his face. "Funny that being so worried about ******** up is what gets me to ******** up."

"It's been a cycle. I'll - I want to do stuff with you," Jordan said, turning the sentence into an offer instead of a promise at the last moment. He'd been screwing up enough; if he made more mistakes, he didn't want to have broken that, lost more trust. "Robert's my friend, but I don't belong to him."

He hesitated, thinking, a faintly troubled look gathering around his eyes. "If there's anything you want to ask me," he said finally, "I'll answer you fully and honestly." Even the offer was difficult, but he'd made the decision, made the resolution. He would open the door, take that step, offer his own trust, battered and ragged as it was.