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The encounter with Europa was only two nights back, but his persistent confusion and unsettledness as far as the morality of the White Moon senshi was not really an excuse to avoid his duty as a senshi of the Negaverse. He still had to bring in energy--and he had to admit it was almost easier to just bring his superiors starseeds, whether they were senshi or knight or civilian. You could reach into the chest of an unsuspecting civilian and pull out more energy in your fist than you could drain even with a passed-out human in a quiet alleyway. So why bother with the lower-yield types of energy collection? He got done faster this way. Did the benefit to himself really outweigh the guilt that had started to build up after watching his sister die? Shay. The name was a dead albatross around his neck.

Shay hadn’t deserved what had happened to her. He felt sick, dirty, guilty for doing what he’d done--for taking her starseed and channeling enough Chaos into it to turn what was left of his sister into a youma. It lurked in the Rift even now, he supposed. She lurked there. They’d never find her body, and--and she wasn’t coming back. No matter what he did. Youma could not be purified, could not be saved, and it was only a half-salve to his conscience that she had that half-life… until someone like Europa destroyed her.

His preoccupation with the issue distracted him enough that he didn’t notice the blue light of the knight’s lantern, or even the knight himself, until he was less than twelve feet away from the man. “Oh, s**t,” he said, palming the starseed he’d been contemplating. “Look, I’m not in the mood to fight tonight. Can we go our separate ways and pretend we never saw each other?”

Spinel had never actually gotten into a fight with a knight. They seemed kind of reasonable compared to… well, every other option on the face of the Earth. At least, he didn’t know of any of them that were unrepentant torturers and murderers, which put them head and shoulders of all the senshi he knew of. (Except Europa, who had actually tried to kick his a** to return someone’s starseed.) “The mysteries of Chaos, actually,” he admitted, because it couldn’t hurt to share this. Wasn’t like the knight was likely to be believed by any of the superiors who might take it upon themselves to ‘reeducate’ Spinel as to his place in the Cosmos.

“You can’t purify youma,” he said, seemingly apropos of nothing at all. Because the knight hadn’t said anything about the starseed, he took it back out, kept it close to his body just in case. His own starseed glinted a dark, polluted blue in the light from the lantern. He explained his comment, then, as the light in the stolen senshi starseed flickered: “I ******** up. I ******** up and I got punished for it. They made me corrupt my sister, but I’m a ******** senshi, so of course it didn’t work like it’s supposed to. She’s a youma now. And she can’t be fixed.”

The bells on the ends of his sleeves jingled when he shrugged. “Too late, right? No use crying over dead civilians. It won’t help them. Or anyone.”

He was with Babylon up until the moment when the guy said his name, and then his eyes went a little wide. “Oh,” said Spinel, “you’re that guy.” That guy being the one that had an actual cash bounty on his head. Avalon hadn’t exactly been stealthy about letting the rest of the Negaverse know that she would break into an ATM in order to get them a silly amount of money for a living Babylon brought to her for corruption. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but would your best friend happen to be a, um. Ex-Knight, I guess, named Avalon? Broken gold cross symbols all over her uniform and an apple charm on her necklace? Big black blade?”

He wasn’t going to go back into the topic of what he’d done to Shay. He wouldn’t. Because to discuss her with someone who wasn’t able to really grasp the horror of it--and Babylon couldn’t, he couldn’t have any idea, because people could be purified again, and he could have his friend back if he just--if he just--what? Spinel shook his head to clear it. “Sailor Spinel, senshi of bells,” he said. Cautiously, somewhat fearing attack, he shook Babylon’s hand. “Although, that’s corrupted senshi of bells to your point of view. Apparently we’re considered ‘enlightened’ now on this side of the fence.” The scare quotes were totally necessary, damnit.

“I’m guessing your idea of not ******** up into perpetuity involves purifying and generally joining the side of Light against the evil tide of Chaos?” Which was like, five mixed metaphors, but it was a Monday night and Spinel did not care.

Spinel nodded. “She’s a General now. And… probably crazy about you. Since she’s actually got a cash bounty on your head. General Avalon says that if anyone brings you to her alive, she will give them the contents of two ATMs, at least.” Spinel had seen her break into an ATM, without setting off any alarms. He knew she was good for it. And that was terrifying to think about.

What would his personal definition of not ******** up be? He rolled the senshi’s starseed between his fingers, felt the sparking warmth of it. Fire senshi were always particularly gratifying to take down, especially when he managed to not get burned himself. She hadn’t really been a threat to Spinel; she’d been minding her own business. But he didn’t want to risk being caught letting senshi go free, not when killing one youma had been worth the life of his sister. “Not ******** up would probably mean my family and my girlfriend getting to get old without ever finding out what I do after the sun goes down,” he admitted. “And maybe getting to get old with her.”

Which was his problem. The Negaverse didn’t really leave gaps for personal life, in his experience. “Is purifying really that easy? You make a decision and then… what?”

“Linarite,” said Spinel, who was not exactly new to the rodeo, and knew most of the big names and faces in the Negaverse; Linarite certainly was one of those, a General who had gone bad and then come crawling back, as he’d heard it. “I’m not dumb, you know. And I’ve been part of the Negaverse for four years.”

But. That wasn’t the point. “Oh. Great.” He didn’t sigh, but he wondered--was his relationship with Tallulah worth purifying over? No. Not on its own. The risk of her dying, that was certainly a big risk that he hadn’t really had when he’d had his thing with Vivianite. She was a civilian, harmless and helpless, and he’d proven himself quite the inadequate protector when he’d given his sister over to a fate that she probably would have considered worse than death. (He still heard her screaming in his dreams, sometimes.)

Come to think of it, hadn’t that cat mentioned something like a Princess purifying? “Do you know anyone who’s purified and stayed that way? Successfully?”

He had three excellent reasons to remain on the side of good if he got there, Spinel considered. Raleigh, Tallulah, his mother. His own life and happiness--he knew from Avalon that he’d lose his memories, whether of civilian or senshi life he didn’t know, although for a lot of reasons he’d want to forget ever being Spinel--so, four, but the first three were the best. So, four for Order, very few for going back to Chaos, if he did ever manage to find a person who would purify him.

Admitting it felt a little too much like a defeat, so he ran a hand over his hair to the base of the bun at the back of his head. “I haven’t heard of her,” he said, “but--if you wouldn’t mind--I’d like to speak to her. I promise I won’t do anything to hurt her. I’m not…” He couldn’t lie and say he was harmless, or passive. Because he’d killed more people than he could count. There were graves because of him. “...I won’t hurt her,” he edited.

“That makes no sense,” said Spinel after Babylon explained what, exactly, he should look for if he decided to look for Zirconia. But he knew there were corrupted guardian cats--hadn’t Grendel been one--and so the idea of one who purified and managed to stay that way was not actually that unbelievable to him. “But I’ll take your word for it.”

As for the starseed: he looked down at it, reflexively closed his hand around it. Did he imagine the pieces of it grating together? He’d managed to break someone’s neck by squeezing once before. The thought, the memory, almost made him puke. “If anyone sees me, they might hurt my family,” he said, and for a long moment, he was quiet. “But I’ll at least go see if anyone’s looking.”