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 Posted: Sat Feb 08, 2014 11:11 pm
It had been a while since Zia called Pascal.
A while meant a month since the last time she'd texted him was at 12:01 am December 28th and she avoided contact until February, but it was a lot, considering how often the silent or sarcastic vitriol of his visits was used as a bandage for the inability to deal with the absence and she had been slowly weaning herself off of his presence with a gradual decrease in calls before that.
She usually excused it with just being busy.
And she had been! But after a while, in spite of the logic that they needed to be apart, she still ended up calling him.
Maybe it was the fact it had been a while and that allowed some perspective, or Falco's erasure by purification changed her priorities, or maybe it was just her ever so slowly patching together self esteem, but she found herself watching his sleeping face the morning after and pondering on how irritated and frustrated their angry and silent affairs were. Pretending was annoying.
Also his face was very stupidly pretty, and she ruminated on how that was strangely irritating as her nose rested against her folded arms on the pillow.
Her creepy staring had actually gone on long enough that she half wondered how awake he was, so she finally pushed her finger into the side of his face in what had decidedly not been a gentle nudge.
"Hey. This bruise is new. Where'd you get it?"
They were going to talk if it killed them both, damn it.
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Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 4:46 pm
He had been awake long enough to feel the hair on the back of his neck tingling under the watchful and almost creepy gaze from Zia's hazel eyes. He kept his eyes closed and pretend to be asleep. He feared the moment he opened his eyes, his actions would come back to haunt him once again. He missed Zia and he loved seeing her but if they weren't having sex then they were fighting. It didn't matter what they were fighting about, they would find something and everything would explode again.
The skin of his cheeks caved to the demand's of Zia's finger, and Pascal's eyes opened up to look at Zia with utter confusion. He groaned a little in response and was about to pull the blanket up over his face when Zia broke the unspoken pact and quite literally spoke. He didn't know what to do at first, fearing the first thing out of his mouth would be something unpleasant he bit his lip and tried to do something intelligent for once.
He didn't do a lot of that around Zia anymore. In fact, he rarely used his brain for more than the simple task of locating her door. There, it seemed, he would just check his brain in next to his shoes until he left in the morning. It wouldn't be until after he was gone again that any sort of semblance of his intelligence appeared. How long could this last for like this? He didn't know and he didn't know what he wanted but he did know his life was always better when Zia was in it. Isn't that how he kept ending up in her bed? Like a cheap whore, he would come at her beck and call. Anything to see her as the man she knew as Pascal and not that gross mirror dude Sailor Orpheus.
He wanted to leave him behind.
Forget he existed.
Everything had been fine until Sailor Orpheus came into the picture.
His mouth opened as if he was going to say something and then closed again slowly. Sailor Orpheus had been the reason that bruise was there too.
"I... was hoping no one would notice" he said with a very light laugh. How hard could it be? He felt like there was a boulder on his chest though.
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Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 5:02 pm
"I don't think you're being careful," Zia stated, pushing the straps of her tank top up before leaning over to she could frown down at him more directly. She was dressed for her usual yoga routine, and she usually went off to go do that while she waited for him to leave.
Except this time she decided she would rather stare at him and be obnoxious and invasive instead. They didn't talk. They were exes. He was only to come around as a booty call on the rarest of occasions and even then pretending they liked each other or speaking in polite terms was strictly prohibited.
But not today. Today the planets aligned and allowed Zia to reach the epiphany that staying in perpetual, angry limbo without speech was stupid.
"Is it from the gym? I hope you're not being reckless with your sparring. How are your classes going?"
This might've seemed more mundane if she hadn't rested her arm on the mattress on the other side of his torso and was staring at him with the most demanding frown her facial muscles could muster when she asked.
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Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 8:51 am
Zia was talking so much, it threw even Pascal for a loop. He simply stared at her, his mouth ajar as he tried to process everything. For a moment, it felt everything hadn't been destroyed and she hadn't stormed out for good that night. It seemed like everything was fine again, and it was comforting. He had grown so used to it, and in the months without it he'd definitely felt her lack of presence. Sure, she'd been around as a bootycall but that wasn't what he missed from her the most.
"You're probably right," he said, quick to agree. He wanted to say she was overreacting but part of him was afraid he would explode in her face if he was given even the slightest reason to. A quick remedy to that was the lilac locks that fell over her back as she stared at him, a smile slipping across his face like a ninja. He hadn't even been able to stop it, and before he even had a chance to have a stern talking to his with face, there he was: smiling.
"It comes with the territory but I can assure you that I am not being anymore reckless than normal," he said as his hand fell through his own dark locks. Honestly though? He couldn't say the same for Sailor Orpheus. He didn't want to think about that jackass though, and he was thankful for Zia asking about something that didn't involve fighting.
"Classes are great. We're planning a trip for the end of the semester, right before exams, to Cedar Point in Ohio!" Yes, he really did sound like a little Japanese Schoolgirl looking at Hello Kitty here. He even tossed his body back in forth with excitement, his eyes wide and hopeful of what was to come. May, he only had to wait until May for good things to come to him!
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Posted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 9:15 pm
When he smiled at being faced off with her frown, Zia raised on eyebrow in suspicion, not quite trusting his explosive anger wasn't just screwing around before showing itself again.
Or maybe he didn't take her seriously?
But obviously something silenced all of the raging paranoia because she smiled back.
On accident. ********. He was contagious.
"Well," She said with a weird dip of her head in regards to his recklessness as if the current situation was evidence to the contrary. Was this weird way of clinging to their toxic nature anything else? Zia certainly only gave in to the temptation when she was feeling alone and reckless, and usually drunk.
But she tilted her head back to him, a ghost of a smile still present. "A whole set of rides to analyze," She said with a soft laugh.
And then silence.
"I miss you," She stated, looking down to twist a piece of the white sheets in the oversized bed between her fingers. "You were my best friend, you know?"
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Posted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 10:30 am
Just like a virus, he was infecting her face.
Haha.
Pascal couldn't help but laugh on the inside. What was the world coming to? He wasn't quite sure anymore. She wanted to be friends with Sailor Orpheus, and maybe that gave him hope for the future. Maybe everything wouldn't end in fire. Maybe she really could like him, maybe she really does like him. He had hope that if she ever knew the truth that maybe she wouldn't hate him forever. Hope was truly his four letter word and more than before he kept spelling it out.
"You know me so well," he said with a chuckle, feeling almost comfortable until she dropped a new bomb. She missed him. What was he suppose to do with that? He was happy to hear that she missed him but aside from that he wasn't sure how to react. Well, he knew how he wanted to react but he was thinking about it carefully as if any wrong move would set off the bomb.
He didn't care before but now he kind of did. He didn't want to storm out of here with a trail of fire like he did every other time she called him. He had hope that maybe things didn't have to stay this way, that things could maybe go back to some sort of semblance of what they were before everything went to hell. After all, if she could accept Sailor Orpheus then maybe everything wasn't a total lost cause.
I miss you more than you'd ever know.
I miss you more than air.
I miss you more than my soul.
I miss you more than I hate Ares.
He couldn't say that.
His face shifted and his arms wrapped defensively across his chest.
"I know."
He mentally smacked himself, cringing at the choice of words he expressed. He looked at her face and immediately he felt the need to correct himself. How could he be so stupid? He was ******** everything up again. He scrambled, sitting up and letting the sheet fall over his lap. He didn't know what to say and his mouth lingered on his face half opened as he tried to say something, anything, just a word.
"I know you do."
Okay, that wasn't any better. Why was this so hard? He just wanted to say the perfect thing. He wanted things to be as they were. He wanted things to be right again. What could he say? He didn't want to storm out of here because they got into a fight. He didn't want to lose her.
"Zee... I'm sorry." He said, smiling a bit.
It was progress.
"For everything."
He looked away. He was unsure of how she'd react and afraid of the outcome.
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Posted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 7:15 pm
I know.
It felt so flippant and made her feel so helpless that for a second all she did was swallow air and it felt like for those next several moments the two of them were spending an eternity trying to keep their heads above water.
I know you do
Nope, not helping. Her mind instantly raced with thoughts paced a million miles a second. What did that mean? Was this good? Bad? Oh, god, it was all a mistake, wasn't it.
All of it. Trying to talk, trying to be friends. It probably made things. It was bad for him. Or was it bad for her? Wait, who did she care more about coming out of this awkwardness in one piece anyway?
She panicked in a thousand different ways in a short moment, which led to her face being smashed into a pillow from the nose down as she stared at him wide eyed and processed what he had said next.
Sorry?
For everything?
It was more than she'd ever gotten before, which was overwhelmingly positive in her eyes. She was always willing to meet him 3/4ths of the way and lavish 'I love you's and over affection with no reciprocation. A 'sorry' was more than she ever hoped for.
She traded the pillow for him, sliding her arm across his chest as she nuzzled her face into the small of his neck. "I'm sorry I walked out," She murmured, eager to reciprocate.
Even though the sentiment had every alarm in her head ringning. Liar, liar pants on fire, Zia. She wasn't sorry for that at all. She had been doing better since she left, and she didn't regret the decision even a little bit. Being apart was what was better for both of them, she was convinced. Logic and common sense said so. That hadn't changed.
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2014 7:16 pm
Pascal's body froze for a moment when he felt her arm slide across his chest and her face nuzzle into his neck. Unsure of what to do, his body awkwardly decided for him as it gingerly laid securely over her shoulder so he could feel her lilac locks between his fingers again. He couldn't help but think about her apologizing though. He wanted to think he was happy about it, that he finally got the words he had wanted from her since that night but did he?
He missed Zia so much but nothing changed, did it? He hoped things could change. He wanted things to change. Even a small step in the right direction would be acceptable. Each step was coated with fear though. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of Zia never accepting reality, and fear of Zia finding out the truth and regretting everything. Sailor Orpheus and Zia had made progress, hadn't they? It was hard to shake though.
He wanted to tell her she didn't need to apologize, that it was his fault but was he willing to accept the blame fully? It would never fully be his fault and he knew it. That truth prevented him from being a bigger man and accepting it, causing Pascal to shift under Zia a little. Having her this close though, his body fought the more logical side of him for control of how to proceed.
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Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2014 6:29 pm
Zia seemed to settle in and root where she was, content in that space between his shoulder and his neck and feeling her curls being moved between his fingers. A pause followed, because she wanted to stay there like a rock and pretend they were just two losers in his apartment again. Two depressive, hateful people with no idea how they were going to survive or where they were going, but at least in all of that short sighted stupidity there was an intensity and loyalty she missed.
"It can't ever be like it was, can it?" She meant to break the pause with a sober statement of reality but she ruined it half way through with her voice cracking into a whine leaning up to a sob punctuating her final word, and her arm resting across him tightened into a clinging gesture.
Which stayed as she used the side of his neck to muffle wailing, ugly crying.
A few sobs that jerked her shoulders and a dramatic inhale and sniffle cycled through before she pulled her splotchy and flushed face up to look at him.
"I like you better as my best friend than a booty call I can't talk to."
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Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2014 11:17 am
It wasn't like Pascal didn't want it to be the way it was before but could it really? Maybe it could be better but it would probably never be what it was before. It was a bad relationship where each day he had become more and more like the father he grew to hate. It was hard to control some of the factors, and he couldn't help but wonder how their lives would be if Ares had never stolen his life. Things would be different.
How long could he blame her for his own misdoings though?
"Do we want it to be?" He asked. It definitely wasn't the best relationship to have, and when he heard her sobs muffled into his neck, he couldn't help but swallow. He could feel her, he could hear her and it was killing him. He didn't want her to be upset like this. She was the one who made his life better and if he did anything to her then he wanted to make her happy not on the verge of tears.
"Don't cry," he found himself saying as his hand brushed his hand over cheek.
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Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2014 9:59 pm
"Yes!" Was the outburst reply to his question as she snapped her head up to look him in the eye and harshly sniffled and wiped tears from her puffy eyes.
But after a second of hesitation it was followed by, "No..."
The logical part of her brain had to keep reminding the rest that she left for reasons. Very good reasons. Healthy, positive reasons. And her life had taken several positive turns since then. The aching loneliness and withdrawal didn't change that but it also didn't mitigate the fact that she missed him so badly it hurt.
"There were good parts too," She practically croaked out and grabbed the hand that had dared to brush against her cheek. At first she just held it still as she nuzzled into it, but turned her face to press her lips to his fingers.
"Why can't we just be better?" She complained, rather than legitimately asking that question. They were both so bad at being together, and she found that reality to be completely unfair in the brattiest way possible.
Small gestures of affection continued. They were hard to stop. It was just so natural to run her fingers through his hair and sigh over his pretty face. But at least the crying had more or less settled to occasional sniffles and puffy eyes. "I love you so much it hurts, Pascal."
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Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 7:37 pm
Pascal was confused by her mixed reaction but it wasn't like he didn't share it. He also wanted to get back together as if nothing had happened between them but he also knew of the flaws their relationship were large and mostly unsettled. How could they get around the secrets of their lives? It was such a burden on him, and more and more he found the weight of it unbearable. He just wanted to scream out and tell her but hope of their relationship and fear of how she'd react kept him at bay.
His body wished her touches would not stop, and he found himself lingering on her question. It might have been more of a complaint than a question but it was legitimately a concern of Pascal's. Zia meant so much to him and yet every time he tried to do something he would ******** it up. Maybe he just wanted it to fail? Maybe he wasn't a settling down sort of man? Maybe he was more like his father than he wanted to admit.
Her touches met no resistance from him and in return his hands continued to touch her affectionately. Amber eyes looked down, shifting back and forth slowly. He really wished that their loved solved all the blocks in their way. How strong was their love? Both had run away. Did she love him enough to accept him even if she knew the truth? Nothing suggested she could. She hated what he was, what he had no control over.
"I wish my love did not hurt you."
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Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 10:27 am
It's been more than a year. If it was meant to be I would've been able to tell him by now.
The war and all of it's stupid little magical magical obligations did it's own work in convincing Zia this just wasn't a thing she could have. She had come to that conclusion ages ago, and had said those words to various friends to remind herself that this was out of reach. She could have the war, she could have revenge quest and her knights, but she couldn't have all of that and Pascal too. And trying to keep him would kill them both in time.
He also wasn't the only man she had feelings for, she reminded herself, and mused on her stupid little crush on Chester and the distance she'd willfully created between them after the impromptu confessional about Operation Rota and everything the Blood Moon Court had done.
But there was a bond there with Pascal. They were both at dangerously low points in their lives when they'd met, and the relationship that formed out of that depression and misery was problematic, but also an undeniably bonding experience that was hard to leave behind even as her own happiness and quality of life was on the rise.
She wanted to pull him up out of that misery and take him with her, not leave him behind in the mire and loathing. She didn't understand why he seemed to insist that was the only option, and why he wanted to be so rooted in darkness and stagnation and why he wouldn't just pick himself up with her.
"Oh, please," She ended up snorting at his response. "I don't mind when it hurts, that's why there's a safe word." Snark was always the best defense in the face of upset.
But she still sighed and rested both of her hands on one of his, gently playing with his fingers as she appeared to be deep in thought.
"I don't think we should keep doing this. This whole... arrangement."
In case he didn't pick up on the fact that emotionless booty calls with her ex were a thing Zia found intolerable from all the crying earlier.
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Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 9:46 am
Pascal could never deny there was a strong bond between the two of them, despite anything that had happened. He had done the impossible, done the things she sworn he would never do again for her. He had embraced his identity as Sailor Orpheus to protect her, and then over and over again. Zia definitely wasn't an easy person to protect, always overly eager to throw herself into danger. He would never forget the time she came home with needles in her back and he had to dig them out. He played innocent but he knew what had done this, the one thing they could never talk about: The war.
Sometimes he wanted to blame her for it but the alternative had been even worse. What if Zia had died out there and he could have protected her? He didn't want to think about such a thing but would she ever understand it like that? She had hated him so much when they had met and although she might have grown used to his presence, that wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to just be tolerated. He wanted to be accepted. He didn't want her to accept him but truly how she felt inside was loathe and disgust. She wouldn't love him.
Zia couldn't seem to keep the topic serious, but neither could he. His lips spread into a grin, and he chuckled when she mentioned a safe word. Of course, Zia went right back to it after that. There was too much back and forth, and Pascal found his body slinking backwards.
"Oh..." He said, sliding his legs off the bed. Queue to get going? It was beginning to seem so. "I should leave, then..."
By his tone, it was clear he didn't want to leave though.
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Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 8:13 pm
Her grip on his hand tightened as he moved to get up and her face contorted into a petulant frown.
After a small moment to process that he was seriously going to get up and go just because she had declared an end to the silent booty call procedure was suddenly met with a hard pillow whack to the side of his head.
"Seriously? No more angry sex and you just leave? What about that part where I said you were my best friend?"
Further evidence they just weren't on the same wavelength anymore, she had totally mistaken his actions which were a result of him mistaking her words. Either way, she wasn't letting him off the hook that easy.
"We can't just work on being friends?"
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