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[Q] Alyss Leonhart // Sailor Medusa, Senshi of Fear [Crit?]

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NymiiNym

Shy Wife

PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:48 pm


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Welcome to Alyss Leonhart's quest thread!
Take your time, and read around, but please remember that I am new and will make mistakes.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:49 pm


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Name: Alyss Leonhart
Nickname: Ally (Though she is not very fond of this, honestly.)
Age: 16
Birthday: March 16th
Sign: Pisces
Gemstone: Aquarmine
Blood Type: AB
Fav. Food: Vegetarian Sushi
Hated Food: Anything remotely spicy, and brussel sprouts.
School: Crystal Academy

Hobbies:
Sewing - Alyss picked up sewing as a young girl, and she's long graduated from pricking her finger. She actually has hundreds of stuffed animals to vill the void of not having people there for her, and she keeps making them. Sewing is a way to vent her emotions, and puts her in a safe, calm place. The girl's room is virtually littered with hand-made stuffed animals. She also makes her own clothes at times, and tends to mend ripped clothes if she can. Alyss does frequent fabric stores, and during the summer works at the local fabric store. Also, while she's shy about sewing, she'll make you clothes or mend things if you ask.

Singing - Having inherited her father's singing talent, Alyss tends to find herself caught up in a song here and there. She's actually rather good, but hasn't been professionally taught, so she isn't as good as a professional. However, Alyss is trying to fix this. She is a soprano. Under plenty of makeup and costumes, she volunteers at local theaters for musicals, and occasionally will sign up for "mic nights". She prefers to stay as a supportive character in musicals, however, she has entertained the idea of being the main lead one day. Maybe... She also doesn't have a preference in musicals, mostly because she finds that any kind of musical can educate her, and she just enjoys any and all music. However, she prefers to sing pop because of the freedom it gives. It'll take plenty of coaxing and persuasion to get her to sing for those she knows, but under a disguise she doesn't mind sharing her talent.

Video Games - Yes! The girl plays video games. She picked it up the first year her mother just seemed to be absent from her life. Tying her hair up and playing a console game is one of her ways to relax. It may surprise you, but she's a natural at most games, and seems to just be able to pick up a console and kick your butt in any game. Except tetris. She's awful at tetris. She does do online gaming, where she'll attempt socializing once in awhile. However, a gaming console seems to be her favorite form of gaming.

Cooking and Baking - So. You don't need to be good at every hobby, right? Well, that's just the case with Alyss and cooking. She's afraid of fire, and while she cooks for herself that usually means a microwave meal here and there. She does try to actually cook, but eventually she'll whimper and cringe when she turns the stove on, then refuse to approach the stove once the pan/pot is on there. Yup. Expect burnt food and maybe a fire truck if you don't intervene. Baking is a completely different story. Since she can't see any flames she's just fine with baking, and she's actually pretty good at it!

Virtues:
Loyal -- Now, while it's stupidly hard to get her to view you as a friend, once she does you're her friend for life. She'll do anything for you, and kick someone's a** if they lay a finger on you. Alyss never had a life full of friends and family, so once she does have someone she tends to cherish them greatly and want the best for them. Her loyalty can cause her to make bad choices, though, for Alyss can be manipulated into doing just about anything shy of murder for her friends.

Still, she's a friend for life. If you betray her, she'll find it hard to let you go, trapped by her loyalty and yet also finding that her natural need to avoid pain is trying to force her away. What she does from there can't be predicated, and depends on the situation.

Compassionate -- Despite the fact she seems like a heartless brat on the outside, she really isn't. Someone's hurt? The girl will quietly come over and extend her hand to help the other. Need her assistance? She'll offer it. This doesn't mean you'll get an extremely friendly Alyss, but this does mean if you need a hand you can rely on her to give it. However, this can be difficult for her if she meets someone she knows she shouldn't help for whatever reason, mostly because she'll want to help and struggle with whether or not to give her assistance, or to turn her back. Heck, half the time she makes up reasons why it's okay to help others. Someone is evil? Well.... that doesn't mean they're actually a bad person, right? It's not easy being Alyss, sometimes.

Patient -- Alyss is extremely patient, and has learned to be throughout her life. She views the world with the belief that everything will come when it's ready, and not a second before. She isn't easily discouraged (unless it's related to improving herself, which she believes isn't possible) So, have a task that needs someone extremely patient to do? Find Alyss. This also means that while everyone is going mad with impatience the girl will have a level head.

It also means that Alyss doesn't give up easily. While she can be discouraged by outside events, if Alyss personally finds an emotional attachment to something she isn't about to drop it. Persistent, Alyss will keep going until she's either accomplished something great, or been knocked down physically.

Flaws:
Insecure -- Alyss is extremely awkward. While she often seems to be trying to be as proper as possible (thanks to her upbringing), you'll often find her making a mistake here and there. She's so used to being alone that now she can't really handle people. Speak to her and she'll try and stay as formal as possible, pause, then turn a light shade of pink when she realizes how odd that must sound. Most likely, the rest of her sentences will be short and have awkward endings. Being in groups also changes her. Her posture will get extremely rigid, and she'll be extremely skittish, though she does a good job of preventing herself from jumping.

Why does she do this? Because she doesn't know what to do. She's scared of others, almost, and feels insecure next to them, creating an awkward tension. Her insecurity runs deep, and affects many parts of her. It doesn't just make her awkward, either. She's unable to view herself as useful to others, and due to this she tends to avoid people because she can't see any reason for them to need or want her. She also believes she could do better, and that maybe if she tried hard enough she could become someone better.

So, this often leads to her second guessing herself, or becoming an awkward little duck. Befriending her is an especially hard task, primarily because of the fact she refuses to socialize without someone else initiating it. This isn't because she hates people, either. She just isn't sure how to talk to others, and isn't sure what she has to say is desired. Her insecurity prevents her from reaching out, and so a potential friend needs to pursue her. However, once you've captured her friendship she won't let you go. Her insecurity will show more as she slowly begins to trust you and rely just a little on you. Once in awhile, you'll see her eyes flick up and seek reassurance. It'll be rare, but sometimes she'll let you into her world, but only for a few seconds.

Emotionally Distant - Alyss doesn't like showing weakness, and so she'll shut down the ability to display emotion whenever she can. She comes off cold at times, and while you may get lucky enough to experience the embarrassing awkward side to her, that's about the only emotion you'll get from her until you've befriended her. She's afraid to show how she feels, and so learned as a child how to shut down her emotional side for periods of times. She's extremely emotional deep down, but the girl has learned how to smother that when around others.

This can be difficult when her assistance is needed, and she realizes this. She's learned how to act, and while it's extremely exhausting for her to do (which is why she doesn't always do it), she can act a certain way if it's needed. However, it's noticeable when she's doing this by the way her words seem almost fake. Still, she's trying to make an effort.

But! If you befriend her she'll slowly lower her guard and let you see tiny smiles. She'll give you emotion, even though it's quiet and often subdued, but it's better than nothing, right? Any lover she gets probably will be the only person who gets all of her emotions, and that's how she rather keep it.

Distrusting - Remember when I mentioned she isn't easy to befriend? Alyss does not trust people easily. Any moment where she thinks she see's something within you that isn't in her best interest and she'll flee. Sure, she's compassionate and will help you when in need, but this doesn't mean she trusts you. Earning her trust is a huge endeavor, for she tends to shut others out the second she feels like she's in danger, and that's constantly. Approach her carefully, and she'll gradually accept your presence. But, go too quickly and she'll begin to doubt you and your intentions, and avoid you. Mistakes mean more to her than the average person, and rope in the fact she is insecure and you'll realize that she gets hurt easier than most. Still, just because she may end up not trusting you doesn't mean you can't fix it, it'll just take longer. She has a lot of growing up to do.

She also isn't just distrusting of people, but of the world itself as a whole. To her, the bad will happen. She'll always be hit by the worse, and while this doesn't overcome her with grief it will cause her to be more hesitant before trying something new. This directly comes from her mothers influence on her as a child. Alyss also has an extremely hard time taking promises, and trusting them. She tends to hate promises with a fiery passion, and this won't change anytime soon. She's far too used to watching them break, and now she's extremely difficult to get to believe in them.

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Physical Description
Eyes: #a6d88c. She has long lashes on top lids. Her eyes are similar in shape to this.
Hair: White/silver hair, which is straight. It falls about lower than her knees, however she often keeps them in low pigtails. Like this, and this, aaaand this. She has cuffs in her hair that keep it in their shape, which can be a CC color. Her bangs are the same shape as in the pictures, and tend to almost hit lower than her top eyelid.
Face: She has a petite face with larger eyes. She looks like she's thinking constantly, or just.... emotionless. She doesn't wear much makeup, honestly, except the rare lipgloss.
Body: Alyss is petite. She's rather short, and slim. She doesn't look like she can pack a punch, and she really can't, but watch out for her feet. She has a nice kick. She has very small breasts, as well. Is she self conscious of this? No, unless you point it out. Then she'll throw a fit.
Clothes: Alyss tends to wear dress longer in the back and shorter than the front. In all her pictures so far, she's wearing the same dress and probably will have her Senshi outfit similar to it. She likes dresses with flow, as well. She will always wear her yellow ribbon around her neck. Always.

NymiiNym

Shy Wife


NymiiNym

Shy Wife

PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:59 pm


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Senshi: Sailor Medusa, Senshi of Fear
Challenge: "Let me reveal your darkest fears."

Fuku Colour: CC
Main Color: CC
Secondary Color: CC

Fuku: Honestly? Do what you feel you want to do. I have no idea what I want, except a complete avoidance of reds/blacks/and any other theme that seems to follow the concept of "fear". I like her teal/white theme a lot, but more colors added or changed would be lovely.

Collar -- CC [Though I'd prefer her neck/shoulders were completely bare or had a soft cloth draped over it.
Bow -- Her bow wraps around her stomach/hips loosely. It's large, and the ribbons at least go to her knees.
Bodice -- CC, though I would prefer her shoulders were left bare or had cloth draped over it.
Sleeves -- Nope, no sleeves.
Brooch -- Her brooch is similar to this, maybe? However, the metal should be silver. You can alter it, but I'd like the eye similarity to be there.
Bottoms -- I'd like if her outfit was a dress, but her bottom could be a skirt. I know I want it to be similar to the outfit seen in her art, where it's longer in the back and shorter in the front.
Tiara -- CC, but I'd like silver incorporated if there's metal.
Choker -- A yellow ribbon tied around her neck with a bow.
Shoes -- CC.
Gloves -- CC, but nothing past elbows.
Accessories -- Her ears are hidden, so no earrings. CC.
Basically -- You can use the dress in her art as a main idea, but I'd like it altered for her a bit. That's really it~

Basically, almost completely CC with a general few concepts here and there.

Attacks:
Sailor Scout Attack: Medusa's Eye
Medusa lifts her hands to her eyes, covering them completely and lowering her head. When she draws her head back up, she removes her hands from her eyes. Her pupils turn into slits, and anyone who makes eye contact her will be frozen with fear and begin to see shadowy, terrifying forms in the corners of their eyes. However, a distraction can break the fear bond, and wearing glasses can prevent one from experiencing any of her attack. Paralysis lasts ten seconds, while seeing shadowy forms last twenty seconds. Can be used twice, but with a fifteen second cool down period in-between.
Difficulty: Those of her own level will be fully effected by this move. A second level character would be able to break free form her gaze with enough focus, though it'd be moderately difficult, and the shadowy figures would persist for the usual time. A third level character would find it both easier to look away and avoid seeing the shadowy figures if they concentrated hard enough, and a fourth level character could simply blink and erase the effects of her move completely.
Side Note: Medusa cannot see what the other fears the most. To her, the shadows resemble things she personally fears.

Super Sailor Scout Attack: Medusa's Gaze
The process is primarily the same as before, except now the fear is amplified. Distractions are less effective to break the fear bond, and the shadowy figures begin to resemble closer to what the individual is scared of the most. Glasses still prevent the attack from working. Paralysis lasts twenty seconds, while seeing shadowy forms last thirty seconds.Can be used three times, but with a twenty second cool down period in-between
Difficulty: Those of her own level or lower will be fully effected by this move. A third level character would be able to break free form her gaze with enough focus, though it'd be moderately difficult, and the shadowy figures would persist for the usual time. A fourth level character would find it both easier to look away and avoid seeing the shadowy figures if they concentrated hard enough.
Side Note: Medusa cannot see what the other fears the most. To her, the shadows resemble things she personally fears.

Eternal Sailor Attack: Medusa's Curse
Medusa collapses into the ground on her knees, touching a surface with blackened fingers. Shadows begin to take shape around her, resembling whatever her target fears the most. The shadows form are essentially the same, but look completely different to each opponent she's facing against to fit their fears. The creatures will lash out, and if they make contact will instill an intense feeling of terror for as long as the opponent is trapped by the creature. How this effects each opponent depends on what the owner of the character wants to do. This attack inflicts great amount of stress upon Medusa's body, and her hand needs to stay in-contact with a surface. Can only be used once. While performing this attack she's completely vulnerable due to being unable to move from the spot she's casting.
Consequence: Medusa is extremely weak after this attack and needs to withdraw immediately, due to being unable to attack anymore. She will collapse onto her side and often curl up until she's rescued or harmed further.
Side Note: Medusa cannot see what the other fears the most. To her, the shadows resemble things she personally fears.
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 2:57 pm


Open for crits!

NymiiNym

Shy Wife


Sunflower-Seeds

Friendly Friend

PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 3:20 pm


Yushika
Open for crits!


hi hi! I'll leave a little something something to think on!

Hobbies: The thing about hobbies here is that they are meant to be a way to interact with people~ It's great to sing and Sew, but how would that lead to her finding new people to interact with? smile Maybe she does performances, or goes out fabric shopping alot to sew. Also, you might want to add another, so that she has even more opportunities to meet people!

Traits: Loyal sounds great, however, Independent and Observant sounds a wee bit flawy to me, if that makes sense. It's a good idea to think of these things in ways of 'how does this make people like her? How would these traits make people admire her?'

For Flaws, they seem rather thought out, but you should add one more~ We'd like to see an even number of both flaws and virtue. biggrin

Powers: I do love her attacks! They seem so spooky! XD However, I think that there needs to be some sort of way it effects people. For example, The effect that her Sailor Scout Attack works would not be the same for a Nega-general, since they are far more powerful than she is, but it might work just fine for someone who's still a First-level Character.

I hope that helps some~

EDIT Also! If you'd like official crits, you can post your quest in this thread!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 4:32 pm


Cooro Cooro
Yushika
Open for crits!


hi hi! I'll leave a little something something to think on!

Hobbies: The thing about hobbies here is that they are meant to be a way to interact with people~ It's great to sing and Sew, but how would that lead to her finding new people to interact with? smile Maybe she does performances, or goes out fabric shopping alot to sew. Also, you might want to add another, so that she has even more opportunities to meet people!

Traits: Loyal sounds great, however, Independent and Observant sounds a wee bit flawy to me, if that makes sense. It's a good idea to think of these things in ways of 'how does this make people like her? How would these traits make people admire her?'

For Flaws, they seem rather thought out, but you should add one more~ We'd like to see an even number of both flaws and virtue. biggrin

Powers: I do love her attacks! They seem so spooky! XD However, I think that there needs to be some sort of way it effects people. For example, The effect that her Sailor Scout Attack works would not be the same for a Nega-general, since they are far more powerful than she is, but it might work just fine for someone who's still a First-level Character.

I hope that helps some~

EDIT Also! If you'd like official crits, you can post your quest in this thread!
Thank you! I'll work on those changes now <3

NymiiNym

Shy Wife


Sunflower-Seeds

Friendly Friend

PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 4:39 pm


Yushika


Sure thing~ If You'd like me to take another peek, let me know~ She coming along wonderfully!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 5:42 pm


Fixed her up a tad!

NymiiNym

Shy Wife


Silverah

Handsome Shoujo

11,200 Points
  • Magical Girl 50
  • Team Jacob 100
  • Tooth Fairy 100
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 7:25 pm


Yushika


Hi there! Alyss is really charming and well thought-out, but here are some thoughts I had reading over her profile. Feel free to take them or leave them as you see fit.*

*I have had a glass of wine.

Quote:
Hobbies


  • This is a weird grammatical nitpick, but "practically littered" is a really odd syntax. The way that you're using practical here (as a synonym for "virtually" or "almost") diminishes "littered" and makes it sound as though she doesn't have nearly as many stuffed animals as you're trying to say she has.
  • I really enjoy how her hobbies all tie into her relationship to her parents and tells me something not only about Alyss but also about her folks. Good job there. smile
  • What part does Alyss sing? Is she an Alto? A Mezzo? A Soprano? What kinds of roles is she being cast in in theater productions - is she mostly chorus? Supporting characters? Has she just broken through to leads? Does she have a favorite kind of music to sing? A favorite composer? Is she more into old school Broadway like Rogers and Hammerstein and Cole Porter, or does she like newer shows like Wicked? Or 80s heyday Andrew Lloyd Webber? Or is she a Sondheim devotee? What are her feelings on rock operas like Rent and Next to Normal? Just some things to think about. smile
  • I adore that she sucks at baking but keeps doing it anyway.


Quote:
Virtues


  • These all look really good! Again, I love how her traits play into her backstory.
  • Be careful with your grammar. You've got a few possessives and contractions missing their apostrophes. (ie, "someones a**," "someones hurt," should both be "someone's.")
  • I really like that you've differentiated between "compassionate" and "friendly" and been very clear what the limits of all her virtues are. Really besides the grammar nitpick I've got nothing to say here besides "Yay! Go you!" and I'm just marking for time by typing more. wink
  • Is it possible that her patience also manifests as persistence? I couldn't help but notice from her "baking" hobby that she keeps at things, even when she's not good at them. Does that apply to anything besides baking, or is she just very good at tedious tasks?


Quote:
Flaws


  • You've got a really nice take on insecure as a flaw. It's a really unique presentation for it and it's nice to see how specific you are in how this trait manifests in Alyss.
  • I also like how you've detailed how insecure and emotionally distant play into each other and how both of these traits develop once she's known people for a while.
  • I'm not sure how "distrusting" and "emotionally distant" differ all that much from each other. You've made it really clear that Alyss is slow to make friends and holds herself apart from others, but these feel like two sides of the same trait. Is there a way for you to further qualify distrusting to make it more clearly distinct from just her issues with getting close to people? Are there other ways in which it manifests besides making it difficult for her to make friends? Does she always expect the worst to happen? Does she never expect people to follow up on their promises? Does she hate surprises? Just some ideas. Feel free to tell me I'm full of s**t.
  • Such flaws! Much quest! Wow. Great work. (I wish there was a doge emoticon. Get on that, Gaia!)


Quote:
Physical Description

  • What a total cutie patootie.
  • While it's not relevant for art purposes, it would be good for people who are RPing with you to know how tall Alyss is and what her body type is like. Is she petite? Tall and willowy? Amazonian? Short and curvy?


Quote:
Senshi

  • Wow your attacks are cool! What a great combination of mythology name references and sphere!
  • For her eternal attack, is Medusa vulnerable while casting the attack? How does she collapse? To kneeling? Flat on her back? Flat on her face? Does this make her a total sitting duck to enemy attack?
  • Effect is a noun. Affect is a verb. (There are exceptions to that statement but let's not split hairs.) IE, the effects of the attack affect each opponent differently. You might want to check your usage. smile (This is a super easy mistake to make. I ******** it up all the time.)
  • Having Medusa power down and pass out may not be a workable mechanic, as white moon senshi who have their civilian identities revealed to Chaos operatives are required to corrupt (I believe? Which is why it never happens except for when a corruption plot has been approved). While it is an interesting stake to add to her attack, you might want to check with GMs on the logistics, or you may find yourself limited in your plots and how and when she can use this move in battle. (Which, I realize, could be your intention and an interesting dynamic to play with!)
  • Anyway she looks super cool. The dress she's in in all your art is already very fuku-esque - you mentioned something about using it as the basis of a fuku design for her, in which case you might want to revise the sections you've left as CC.


Okay! That's all I've got for now. Good luck and welcome to the shop. biggrin
PostPosted: Thu Dec 12, 2013 9:31 am


Silverah
Yushika


Hi there! Alyss is really charming and well thought-out, but here are some thoughts I had reading over her profile. Feel free to take them or leave them as you see fit.*

*I have had a glass of wine.

Quote:
Hobbies


  • This is a weird grammatical nitpick, but "practically littered" is a really odd syntax. The way that you're using practical here (as a synonym for "virtually" or "almost") diminishes "littered" and makes it sound as though she doesn't have nearly as many stuffed animals as you're trying to say she has.
  • I really enjoy how her hobbies all tie into her relationship to her parents and tells me something not only about Alyss but also about her folks. Good job there. smile
  • What part does Alyss sing? Is she an Alto? A Mezzo? A Soprano? What kinds of roles is she being cast in in theater productions - is she mostly chorus? Supporting characters? Has she just broken through to leads? Does she have a favorite kind of music to sing? A favorite composer? Is she more into old school Broadway like Rogers and Hammerstein and Cole Porter, or does she like newer shows like Wicked? Or 80s heyday Andrew Lloyd Webber? Or is she a Sondheim devotee? What are her feelings on rock operas like Rent and Next to Normal? Just some things to think about. smile
  • I adore that she sucks at baking but keeps doing it anyway.


Quote:
Virtues


  • These all look really good! Again, I love how her traits play into her backstory.
  • Be careful with your grammar. You've got a few possessives and contractions missing their apostrophes. (ie, "someones a**," "someones hurt," should both be "someone's.")
  • I really like that you've differentiated between "compassionate" and "friendly" and been very clear what the limits of all her virtues are. Really besides the grammar nitpick I've got nothing to say here besides "Yay! Go you!" and I'm just marking for time by typing more. wink
  • Is it possible that her patience also manifests as persistence? I couldn't help but notice from her "baking" hobby that she keeps at things, even when she's not good at them. Does that apply to anything besides baking, or is she just very good at tedious tasks?


Quote:
Flaws


  • You've got a really nice take on insecure as a flaw. It's a really unique presentation for it and it's nice to see how specific you are in how this trait manifests in Alyss.
  • I also like how you've detailed how insecure and emotionally distant play into each other and how both of these traits develop once she's known people for a while.
  • I'm not sure how "distrusting" and "emotionally distant" differ all that much from each other. You've made it really clear that Alyss is slow to make friends and holds herself apart from others, but these feel like two sides of the same trait. Is there a way for you to further qualify distrusting to make it more clearly distinct from just her issues with getting close to people? Are there other ways in which it manifests besides making it difficult for her to make friends? Does she always expect the worst to happen? Does she never expect people to follow up on their promises? Does she hate surprises? Just some ideas. Feel free to tell me I'm full of s**t.
  • Such flaws! Much quest! Wow. Great work. (I wish there was a doge emoticon. Get on that, Gaia!)


Quote:
Physical Description

  • What a total cutie patootie.
  • While it's not relevant for art purposes, it would be good for people who are RPing with you to know how tall Alyss is and what her body type is like. Is she petite? Tall and willowy? Amazonian? Short and curvy?


Quote:
Senshi

  • Wow your attacks are cool! What a great combination of mythology name references and sphere!
  • For her eternal attack, is Medusa vulnerable while casting the attack? How does she collapse? To kneeling? Flat on her back? Flat on her face? Does this make her a total sitting duck to enemy attack?
  • Effect is a noun. Affect is a verb. (There are exceptions to that statement but let's not split hairs.) IE, the effects of the attack affect each opponent differently. You might want to check your usage. smile (This is a super easy mistake to make. I ******** it up all the time.)
  • Having Medusa power down and pass out may not be a workable mechanic, as white moon senshi who have their civilian identities revealed to Chaos operatives are required to corrupt (I believe? Which is why it never happens except for when a corruption plot has been approved). While it is an interesting stake to add to her attack, you might want to check with GMs on the logistics, or you may find yourself limited in your plots and how and when she can use this move in battle. (Which, I realize, could be your intention and an interesting dynamic to play with!)
  • Anyway she looks super cool. The dress she's in in all your art is already very fuku-esque - you mentioned something about using it as the basis of a fuku design for her, in which case you might want to revise the sections you've left as CC.


Okay! That's all I've got for now. Good luck and welcome to the shop. biggrin
Thank you, I'll get to work on this!

NymiiNym

Shy Wife


NymiiNym

Shy Wife

PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 2:37 am


Still working on her <3
PostPosted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 12:53 pm


Finished updating.

NymiiNym

Shy Wife


NymiiNym

Shy Wife

PostPosted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 12:55 pm


Silverah
Yushika


Hi there! Alyss is really charming and well thought-out, but here are some thoughts I had reading over her profile. Feel free to take them or leave them as you see fit.*

*I have had a glass of wine.

Quote:
Hobbies


  • This is a weird grammatical nitpick, but "practically littered" is a really odd syntax. The way that you're using practical here (as a synonym for "virtually" or "almost") diminishes "littered" and makes it sound as though she doesn't have nearly as many stuffed animals as you're trying to say she has.
  • I really enjoy how her hobbies all tie into her relationship to her parents and tells me something not only about Alyss but also about her folks. Good job there. smile
  • What part does Alyss sing? Is she an Alto? A Mezzo? A Soprano? What kinds of roles is she being cast in in theater productions - is she mostly chorus? Supporting characters? Has she just broken through to leads? Does she have a favorite kind of music to sing? A favorite composer? Is she more into old school Broadway like Rogers and Hammerstein and Cole Porter, or does she like newer shows like Wicked? Or 80s heyday Andrew Lloyd Webber? Or is she a Sondheim devotee? What are her feelings on rock operas like Rent and Next to Normal? Just some things to think about. smile
  • I adore that she sucks at baking but keeps doing it anyway.


Quote:
Virtues


  • These all look really good! Again, I love how her traits play into her backstory.
  • Be careful with your grammar. You've got a few possessives and contractions missing their apostrophes. (ie, "someones a**," "someones hurt," should both be "someone's.")
  • I really like that you've differentiated between "compassionate" and "friendly" and been very clear what the limits of all her virtues are. Really besides the grammar nitpick I've got nothing to say here besides "Yay! Go you!" and I'm just marking for time by typing more. wink
  • Is it possible that her patience also manifests as persistence? I couldn't help but notice from her "baking" hobby that she keeps at things, even when she's not good at them. Does that apply to anything besides baking, or is she just very good at tedious tasks?


Quote:
Flaws


  • You've got a really nice take on insecure as a flaw. It's a really unique presentation for it and it's nice to see how specific you are in how this trait manifests in Alyss.
  • I also like how you've detailed how insecure and emotionally distant play into each other and how both of these traits develop once she's known people for a while.
  • I'm not sure how "distrusting" and "emotionally distant" differ all that much from each other. You've made it really clear that Alyss is slow to make friends and holds herself apart from others, but these feel like two sides of the same trait. Is there a way for you to further qualify distrusting to make it more clearly distinct from just her issues with getting close to people? Are there other ways in which it manifests besides making it difficult for her to make friends? Does she always expect the worst to happen? Does she never expect people to follow up on their promises? Does she hate surprises? Just some ideas. Feel free to tell me I'm full of s**t.
  • Such flaws! Much quest! Wow. Great work. (I wish there was a doge emoticon. Get on that, Gaia!)


Quote:
Physical Description

  • What a total cutie patootie.
  • While it's not relevant for art purposes, it would be good for people who are RPing with you to know how tall Alyss is and what her body type is like. Is she petite? Tall and willowy? Amazonian? Short and curvy?


Quote:
Senshi

  • Wow your attacks are cool! What a great combination of mythology name references and sphere!
  • For her eternal attack, is Medusa vulnerable while casting the attack? How does she collapse? To kneeling? Flat on her back? Flat on her face? Does this make her a total sitting duck to enemy attack?
  • Effect is a noun. Affect is a verb. (There are exceptions to that statement but let's not split hairs.) IE, the effects of the attack affect each opponent differently. You might want to check your usage. smile (This is a super easy mistake to make. I ******** it up all the time.)
  • Having Medusa power down and pass out may not be a workable mechanic, as white moon senshi who have their civilian identities revealed to Chaos operatives are required to corrupt (I believe? Which is why it never happens except for when a corruption plot has been approved). While it is an interesting stake to add to her attack, you might want to check with GMs on the logistics, or you may find yourself limited in your plots and how and when she can use this move in battle. (Which, I realize, could be your intention and an interesting dynamic to play with!)
  • Anyway she looks super cool. The dress she's in in all your art is already very fuku-esque - you mentioned something about using it as the basis of a fuku design for her, in which case you might want to revise the sections you've left as CC.


Okay! That's all I've got for now. Good luck and welcome to the shop. biggrin


I fixed her up~ What do you think?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 8:49 am


Yushika


Hiiii! Welcome to the shop and I hope you stick around so we can see your Senshi come to life! heart

Civilian Side is perfect as-is! You did a really great job writing her and making me understand the kind of person she is. Great job. :3 Silverah was amazing in guiding you in the right direction heart

Senshi Side

Please link to a page that has Medusa as a celestial body (I'm 99% sure I've seen it before, but we do require it being linked so we don't have to search it out to double check)~

I admit I'm really really leary of her sphere of Fear, because it borders so close to Horror and Phantasmagoria. However, I will say that I love that you use her namesake as a part of her attacks. I think her basic Senshi attack should work, as it is different from the other two similar Senshi in that they maintain eye contact and are frozen with fear. I personally would remove that wearing glasses completely stops her attack.

Unfortunately with her Super attack having shadows of what the person fears the most, that is almost identical to the Senshi of Horror (who causes the person to see their greatest fear). Her Eternal attack is also too similar to the Senshi of Horror in that she shadows engulf her to resemble their greatest fear, as Toutatis does almost exactly that (she disappears and the person sees their fear).

Unless you're willing to change her sphere entirely, I think you're going to have a really hard time coming up with attacks that aren't the same/produce the same effects as Sailor Toutatis.

You could, however, really work with her namesake. What about using the actual mythology of Medusa and having the illusion of her hair turning to snakes and that causes the fear paralysis? The biggest issue is that we need to avoid using shadow creatures (as both Horror and Phantasmagoria use them) and the illusion of their biggest fear since that is too close. But I think we can definitely work with her Super attack causing the illusion of hair turning to snakes causing fear paralysis (with eye contact) and then her Eternal attack causing illusions of her face turning hideous and horrifying + snake hair causing fear paralysis. Maybe if they try to look away/break eye contact, they are suddenly instilled with a feeling of anxiety and whatever else? There's a lot you can potentially do while still avoiding what we can't use if you're willing to!

Sylent Nyte
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Obsessive Lunatic

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