The hot desert sun has risen, the sand wastes have shifted while we lay awake in the night and all pretended to sleep. Rabbits still are not what they seem, and we are no longer impervious to bullets.
Welcome...to Night Vale.
Today, I received a report that the local chapter of “Amazing, Like You Don't Even Know, Man, We're So Under-Appreciated And Art Is, Like,
Life Dude” will be hosting an art event, since, as one starving artist put it, "No, really, we're literally starving. No one feeds us." The student went on to moan pitifully, clutching her stomach and doing an excellent impression of an orca whale, a creature many believe to be merely a fictive entity made up by The Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency to trick our citizens into leaving our cozy desert community. For shame, Menacing Government, for shame. Anyways, Night Vale, I for one think art, art appreciation, and keeping art out of the Sheriff's Secret Police's list of illegal things is very important. So, listeners, why not head down to the gallery to show your support and excitement--apathy is also an acceptable substitute emotion--where you'll see the students' work as well as old classics like "This Is A Can. I Think." and "I Don't Know, I Just Felt Like Stabbing Something So I Used His Blood As My Paint", and of course, everyone's favorite invisible drawing collection. Boy, people can sure be creative can't they? I mean, who would have thought that you could use invisible corn to make ink, and then
draw with it?
Amazing.
In other news, a new Elementary School Teacher has joined the staff, and she promises to be a strong addition to the team, according to the Board of Directors. In the note they sent via child messenger
[[seriously, can someone grab that child and stop him from devouring that intern? I need to--hey! Now see here--]]Ahh, one moment listeners, it seems that feral children are the new ‘thing to send’ with letters from most large bureaucratic structures. It is getting to become a bit of a problem.
[[Let me just...there! Now, now, I’m sure your leg will be fine. Yes, your insurance with us covers torn tendons via child missives. Wonderful! We will anticipate your return.]]Now then...oh. Hm, well, it looks like the feral child has torn up the letter it was sent with in a piqued fit of howling rage. Perhaps the Board of Directors could send us another? More on the new Elementary School Teacher when we receive un-shredded information.
A new creature was discovered wandering along the sand wastes, listeners.
Carlos, the beautiful and perfect scientist, has named it a Kappadile, after the Kappa from traditional oriental tales of old. Of course, this creature has a longer appearance, as looks remarkably like a crocodile, only with a more...lizard-ish appearance, if you can imagine it? If you ask me, it kind of looks like a chupacabra, but the local Night Vale Animal Control society has informed me that there are several very fundamental differences between the blood drinking chupacabra and the skull splitting Kappadile. “Perhaps”, they said, “They are from the same evolutionary branch.”
Carlos has asked me to inform you that in order to prevent one from dragging you into the eternal howling void to consume your flesh and entrails, you must make it bow and spill the water from its basin-like head.
Well, dear listeners, I'm not sure I approve of wasting water like that when we are, after all, a thirsty desert community, but if
Carlos says so, then I will listen. Still, I can't help but wonder how a crocodile-esque creature so close to the ground and supported by seventeen legs is apt to tip over.
On that note, I--and I really ought to stop doing this, dear listeners, it’s very unprofessional--have to tell you some big news. It has been nearly bursting out of my throat all day, much like a whooping cough claws its way out from your vocal cords and through your bared teeth before it escapes out your side window. Carlos, so desirable and perfect, asked me out on another date yesterday!
Oh! You cannot fathom my inconceivable delight as I swooned against my kitchen table.
Of course...I--I may have done something unforgivable, dear listeners. I...was engaged in matters--important radio matters, of course--and I might have possibly unintentionally
accidentally stood Carlos up! I didn’t mean to, just that I was busy conducting interviews since the town has recently appeared to draw in an inordinate number of residents. The City Council has even made complaints at the number of registry forms they’ve had to review, mostly incoherent shrieking sort of complaints, but still obvious in their displeasure.
But still, to think that my sweet, sweet Carlos waited, sitting there at Big Rico’s waiting for me to arrive to eat a delicious slice of non wheat and wheat by-product pizza, makes my heart literally beat hard and my stomach metaphorically drop into my feet. To him I wish to say…
OhmygodIamsosorryIdidn’tmeanitIpromiseyouareperfectandI’mreallyreallyreallysorrydoyouforgiveme?And now, a look at traffic.
………..oh dear.
Actually, listeners, I would recommend not driving anywhere today. It seems that roads have been cancelled for the next twenty four hours. To find out when the cancellation is lifted, simply shout “DMV!” and you will be informed of the status change six or seven hours from then. Remember, all drivers must wear a seat belt at all times. Even when you sleep. Even when you eat. Especially when you do anything at all. Wear a seat belt. Otherwise, the steering wheel of life will smash you with an airbag.
Permanently.
This PSA was brought to you by Jiffy Lube: “Water is for the weak, drink anti-freeze!”
In a related bit of news an alert citizen was granted stop sign immunity for one year just a few moments ago for informing The Sheriff’s Secret Police--and subsequently the station--that the weather forecast appears to have changed for today in conjunction with the road disappearance. Instead of a sky colored with taupe, it appears to be coal dust now. This schedule change is nothing to be alarmed by, merely dust off your coal jackets, umbrellas, and gas masks early this week before you do your daily errands.
And since no child has returned with more information on the eagerly anticipated Elementary School Teacher, the currently mysterious and capable being charged with the education, re-education, and de-education of our non-feral children, I will take you instead to…
The Weather.
[[
"Oh Death" by Jen Titus]]
Tonight, I leave you with a list of needs.
Crawfish, soap, bulletins, cold cereal, hot cereal, medium temperature cereal, plastic tupperware containers, fingernails, government, loved ones, freedoms, headlights, pennies, lions, tigers, bears, Santa Claws, Big Rico’s, bullets, violence, non-violence, coexistence, peace, sand, debts, being in debt...to Night Vale.
To all our Council and The Sheriff’s Secret Police, the boards and chapter heads, the military and even to ordinary citizens I say thank you, for without you, what would our friendly desert community be but merely...a desert?
All are in each other’s debts for existing. We are eternal, and so must be eternally grateful to have each other. Forever. We hurtle endlessly through The Void. We must be forever, until one day we aren’t.
And so, eternally, until the world gives no further notice, I say…
Good
night, Night Vale.
Goodnight. 
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