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I find myself standing on the deck of my parent's home, looking through a nearly empty bottle of vodka. The world is so distorted when looking through the liquor filled glass bottle. It's comforting, for looking at the distortion of the world feel like I'm looking at what my world has really become. My life was turned upside down, twisted inside out, and left in a murky haze that feels so thick I have to struggle to breath at times. The world is silent as the sun slowly creeps up the horizon, usually I relish silence like this, now it's just a crushing presence. A simple swirl of this bottle in my hand and the silence is gone, replaced by the splash of vodka, ringing out like a bell signaling of hope. The life I cherished, the life I loved, the life I built with my own two hands is gone. There's no changing that now, and I'm left with a choice. I could embrace the new life ahead of me, a life now belonging solely to me. I could set this bottle aside and move forward, through the distortion, through the pain of loss. I could claw and scrape and build my life anew again. Or I could drink this vodka. Just another drink and I'll continue with my stupor, I can avoid the pain, I could ignore the hurt. I love this liquid, I would feel happy in this liquid. It's so easy... ******** That! The silence is broken again, this time by the sound of shattering glass.

Many of you know what transpired this weekend. For those of you who don't; Outlaw, (my wife,) and I have ended our marriage. It's been 7 years of marriage, another 3 years of close friendship and dating. A decade of my life ended in a flash. It ended when Outlaw took off her ring and it fell to the floor. I don't know if I'll ever forget the sound it made. But I know I will never forget the last 10 years of my life. They were great years, all of them. Some were filled with pain, and hardship. Others with strife and anger. But all of them were overwhelmingly filled with joy, and for the first time in my life since my early childhood, true happiness.

I loved Outlaw, I still love Outlaw, I will always love Outlaw. No matter what I do, who I meet, or where I go; there will always be a part of my heart that will not let go of her. But love is not enough, and we grew into people who frankly aren't right for each other. The end was hard, I was scared, I was more scared of that than I have been in my entire life. The fear was far beyond the fear I felt when we discovered there was a plan to have both Outlaw and I killed while we were in Africa. I would still rather deal with that threat than face the end again. I don't know if she'll ever read this, it's not important. I'm writing this for myself. I'm putting my pain here so that I don't have to carry it any more.

The Kyle that was married, Drew Hawk, Xander Tal, Model Husband, the men that I was for her are dead. Good riddance to that.

Three will never die. I've spent this weekend shedding the husks of my old life off, and Three is back.