|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Aug 18, 2013 7:40 pm
There was a lot of news Cas hadn't been taking well. He thought that post-promotion he was going to be a lot better at handling these stupid little things, and that old friendships and sentimentality he had worked so hard to burn was going to just fade away and stop bothering him.
He would never get over Johnny, and how the last time he saw him fully formed and human he had just insulted him and pushed him away.
He pushed Lydia away too. And given his track record, he could only wish she wasn't dead. But considering she was still spamming his phone with texts, that wasn't entirely likely.
Still, after a night of grieving and thinking, he was suddenly hit with the urge to not let this stand. He couldn't lose someone else, especially not when the last thing he said to them was awful. He cared. He told himself he didn't, but he did. He cared about Johnny and he never told him. He wouldn't let Lydia slip away into whatever horrors were still laid out in the future for this war, and if she did, the last thing he said to her was not going to be something cruel.
He arrived at her house with urgency. Fear of the unknown had somehow convinced his subconscious that if he didn't show up right this instant something horrible was going to happen. He pounded on the door as hard as he could until it opened.
What he wasn't expecting was the way his gut twisted when he saw her, though. She was here, in one piece. She was not dead or a monster or rogue or anything else horrible like so many other people were. And all that hit him at once with a deep sniffle. Tears in the corners of his eyes, it was all very embarrassing. He took advantage of his growth spurt to grab her in a hug and wail.
"Lyddie, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be so awful," He very pathetically choked out.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 1:11 am
As far as Lydia was concerned, she and Cass had never stopped being friends. She still texted him constantly, sometimes with little tidbits about her day, sometimes with invitations that went unanswered, and occasionally with her feelings, when she was feeling particularly emotional. Despite the fact that this deluge of communication was entirely one-sided, she was confident that things would go back to normal someday.
And yet, she always stopped short of going to see him in person. It was one thing to let Cass know that she was there for him whenever he needed her. But to intrude on his life when he was sorting something out was not what friends did. That was more like what her parents did, and Lydia knew how annoying it could be. Whenever he was ready, he would come. She knew that.
Still, it was a surprise when it actually happened. Lydia stared for several seconds after she opened the door, just long enough to let Cass practically start bawling. This was not what she had expected. Was a miserable, crying Cass better than a mean, standoffish Cass?
Yes. Because she would make sure that he wouldn't be miserable and crying for long.
"It's okay," she said softly, hugging back tightly. "I knew you would come eventually!" Now that it had happened, she retroactively felt even more certain than she had when he was still shutting her out. This was perfect! Except for the fact that Cass was upset, and the fact that if they had to do this in her doorway, they were going to have an audience. Slowly she started stepping back, pulling him into the house without releasing the hug. "Come in and tell me about it."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:02 pm
Okay it was perfectly irrational to assume Lydia wouldn't be anything but but fine, but learning all your friends and family were slowly slipping through your fingers had the tendency to make one think on the irrational side.
He let her go and let himself be led inside. He roughly rubbed his face on the ratty t-shirt he was wearing and tried to repress any indication he had come close to crying, even if his nose was red and his eyes were puffy.
He sniffled again but tried to play it off as a deep inhale.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I'm sorry I didn't come to your birthday party and I'm sorry I was such a jerk."
He stopped and held his arms stiff at his sides, feeling absolutely awkward being back in this house after so much had changed. The lame hair dye his brother had pressured him into trying out three years earlier had completely grown out of his shaggy mop that stuck out in all directions in its natural deep indigo blue. He hit a growth spurt that came with aches and pains and insatiable hunger and left him feeling like a gangly giant unsure of how to carry himself in his newly filled out frame.
"It would be much easier to apologize properly if you could at least act like you were mad at me for being such an a**," he added with a petulant little frown.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 6:57 pm
This was awkward. It was the good kind of awkward, the sort of instability that came when things healed, but it was still awkward. Lydia tugged on Cass's arm after he let go of her, pulling him into the living room. It was harder than it used to be. Cass was taller now, and darker. Not just his hair, but his whole outlook seemed cloudier than it had once been. Why else would he turn up practically in tears?
"I'm sorry you couldn't make it too," she admitted, carefully wording it so it wouldn't sound like an accusation. "I was a little bit mad at first. But I was mostly scared. I thought something terrible had happened to you, and... and that I might never see you again."
No, that made it sound like she had no confidence in their friendship, and that wasn't true. "I knew you'd come sometime," she said quickly. "At least... I really hoped you would." And he had, so her feelings on the matter were moot.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 7:15 pm
Cas followed limply as she pulled. "I should've come. I'm going to regret it later. I can't..."
He couldn't miss out on important moments with important friends anymore. "I was mean. I shouldn't have been," He stated lamely.
He felt like he was losing everything, and the more he mused on this, he tightened his grip on her hand just a bit. A slightly more firm squeeze. His brother had left for college, his mother had grown more distant, his father had crawled into a bottle.
He pushed people away, naively trying to gain some control over who he was losing and trying to put it on his terms. But he had gotten an especially harsh lesson in what loss could really mean, and that he should in no way expedite the process.
"...Johnny's dead, Lydia."
They hadn't been close, he knew that. He probably had no idea if Lydia had even known who Johnny was outside of his excited ramblings of what they would do together. But he was gone. At least as far as Cas was concerned. He obviously couldn't share that his consciousness lived on in the Rift, but as far as he was concerned, he was dead anyway.
It at least explained some of his grief. Besides, people went missing and died constantly in this city. They were at the mercy of terrorists, after all.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 7:47 pm
Whatever had happened, it was clear that it had really upset Cass. Lydia dragged him over to the couch and motioned for him to sit. "Whatever happened, we can work through it. I just hated the thought of not being able to help with whatever was wrong. You can tell me anything, anytime."
Surely, if the two of them worked together, they could handle any problem, right any wrong. For years Lydia had believed that this was true. Surely now was no different.
Then Cass spoke again, and it felt like her heart stopped.
Lydia and Johnny had never been friends, particularly. They'd known of each other, of course, but had different interests and moved in different circles for the most part. Whenever Cass was busy doing something with the boys, she knew Johnny was probably involved, and enjoyed hearing stories about their antics. But they never talked, not really. And now they never would.
Since she didn't really know him, she couldn't feel a strong sense of loss. But she knew that Cass would, and that this was something that she couldn't fix, no matter how hard she tried.
"Oh, Cass..." Lydia's eyes began to fill with tears, not for a classmate she only knew in passing, or even for someone her own age who was quite possibly a casualty of the war, but for Cass having to deal with it. In her opinion, death was hardest on those left behind. And then she was ashamed of herself for thinking that anything was worse than having a young life cut short. "What... how? What happened?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2013 6:37 pm
"Doesn't matter," To be honest, Cas had no idea if his story would hold up. He hadn't investigated into the 'official' disappearance of Johnathan Miller or what had become of his father or if there was any extended family looking for him.
Johnny was dead to him, and it was the best way to put his grief on civilian terms.
Besides, thinking of Johnny's homelife was just an extra punch in the gut. Johnny had his own pain in life and he was always enthusiastically ready to try to pull Cas out of his. Cas responded with verbal and violent hostility and isolation. Treading into those thoughts just made him wonder...
If he had been a better friend, would Johnny have made such stupid decisions?
Cas sat down and buried his head in his hands, messy hair peeking out through his fingers.
"I treated him like I treated you," He confessed, feeling lower than dirt. "And now he's gone, and I'll never get him back."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2013 6:57 pm
Doesn't matter? Doesn't matter?
"It does so matter," Lydia retorted, her voice finally harsh. "Johnny is your friend. You care about him, right? Even now? Then you owe it to yourself, and to him, to find out how he-"
As she spoke, her mind screeched to a halt. If Cass went looking for answers about what happened to Johnny, and it turned out that he was a casualty of war, that would just end up getting Cass involved. That was not an option. Now, more than ever, Lydia didn't want him so much as tangentially connected to the evils in Destiny City.
It took her a moment to figure out how to proceed, and finally she sighed. "Look, maybe the 'how' isn't what's most important here. What's most important is that he's your friend." Lydia continued to use the present tense, just as she had about her friendship with Cass when he had shut her out. Just because one person didn't- or couldn't- reciprocate those feelings, didn't mean that the relationship was over.
"The... the Johnny I remember wouldn't hate you over something as silly as the silent treatment. But maybe it would help if you apologize, like you did to me. I'm sure that wherever he is," here she looked up briefly, "Johnny will be able to hear you." And even if he couldn't- what did Lydia really know about where souls went after death?- maybe the act of apologizing would make Cass feel better.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 6:00 am
Cas dropped his hands away from his face and turned to give Lydia a hard look when she argued with him. Johnny's death was unexplainable, it was going to have to be one of the countless casualties of Destiny City's war.
Unknown and barely confirmed and no one should know exactly why or how. Because the truth was too hard to explain to the rest of the world.
"I don't want to do on any existential discovery trips," He snapped. Besides, even if he was interested in that sort of thing, he wasn't entirely sure Johnny had a soul to reach, anymore. Too much chaos and suddenly you were one dusting away from death.
He pushed back a niggling question about Chaos mingling in his own starseed.
"I don't want to talk about Johnny," He added, trying to soften his previous bite. "I-I... I came here to apologize to you."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 27, 2013 9:15 pm
Lydia recoiled when Cass snapped at her, leaning back against the couch. Her hands folded themselves into a tight knot in her lap, as she tried to figure out what went wrong. She had only been trying to help. But then, that was what had caused him to shut her out the last time. Maybe he was trying to say he didn't need her anymore. But then, why did he come back?
Boys, she decided, were really weird.
"You've already apologized to me," she reminded him quietly. "You can continue to do so, if it would make you feel better. Or you can accept that I'm not angry with you, and we can do something more interesting. It's up to you."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 10:32 am
"I don't care that you're not angry with me, I'm angry at myself," Cas blurted, audibly frustrated as he leaned on his knees again.
He didn't know what he was trying to communicate to her. Every time he settled on one thing there was a contradiction in the next thought. All he knew was he wanted friends again. He didn't want to be so lonely, and he didn't want to lose anything more.
"Fine," He managed out, hoarse and strained. "More interesting like what?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 10:27 pm
Even without the announcement, it was painfully clear that Cass was angry with himself. Nothing Lydia could say or do would help him forgive himself. Especially since she suspected that he wasn't really upset over what he said, or didn't say, to her. At least they got a chance to make things right. But Johnny...
Leaning over the side of the couch, Lydia grabbed the box of tissues that was on the side table. In the spring months her allergies meant that she went through them at a rapid pace. The rest of the time they just sat there, for when her mother watched a sad movie, or for moments like these. She dabbed her eyes with one of the tissues, then offered the box to Cass. He sounded like he needed one more than she did.
But at least he was willing to do something fun. "I don't know, anything is bound be more interesting than staying here, arguing." And crying, but she didn't say that. While she wasn't afraid to admit that she was getting teary-eyed, he probably didn't want to go there. "We could go out on the town! We could go to a movie, or do karaoke, or find a club."
While she'd been to movies before, she'd never tried karaoke, and was basically forbidden from going to clubs. Not that she cared about that rule anymore. Now, more than ever, she was determined to live her life to the fullest. "We can do anything we want, Cass! So tell me: if you could do anything right now, anything in the world, what would it be?" Between the two of them, and with a little help from Iosif's credit card, Lydia was confident that they could make anything happen.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 07, 2013 8:18 pm
Cas didn't really respond at first. He was about to roll his eyes at her suggestion to go out on the town when she mentioned finding a club. That gave him enough pause.
"Lydia? Seriously? A club?"
Cas had some level of self awareness as far as his unacceptable level of derptitude. And while he did adore Lydia as a friend he also recognized she could be pretty derpy too. Or at least, that's how he remembered her. They might've drifted apart in these recent, horrid years but they would always have the memory of the failcake.
A chuckle actually managed to bubble up and force it's way through all the angst at the notion of the two of them attempting to go clubbing.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2013 1:21 am
“Well, why not?” Sure, they’d never been to one before, and she didn’t really feel like going to one right then, but that wasn’t the point. They could go to a club if they wanted to! They could do whatever they felt was best! Lydia stood and dramatically pointed her finger into the air. “If we want to party, we party! If we want to explore, we explore! Nothing’s off-limits, Cass! So c’mon, tell me what you want to do.”
Her repeated question was a way to make sure that he was happy. It was definitely not because she had no idea what he liked anymore. She was absolutely not scared that he would abandon her again if she pushed some silly idea on him. Nope, not at all.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2013 4:08 pm
Cas did his best to repress laughter when Lydia said 'if we want to party, we party', and it manifested in a little half smile in his expression.
"We don't have to do anything weird," He murmured quietly. His stutter was faded, usually only surfacing in times of extreme stress, but he was as soft spoken as ever when he wasn't suffering from terrible emotional outbursts.
"I'd rather just go get a burger and hang out at the arcade. Like always." Please, just let this one shred of normalcy stay.
He got up and adjusted his jeans a bit. Hand me downs from his brother were always a little bit too big and ill fitting, but post growth spurt they were at least wearable.
"And you can tell me what you've been doing, maybe? What was your party like?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
