He'd been so weak! She'd been so lovely, so bright and happy, it was maddening to hold himself away from her. Playful nips had turned to nuzzles, and nuzzles had definitely not been where it all stopped. Oh, it had been wonderful, so much more intimate and close than any other time in his life, and there had been many to compare to. It had been perfection personified, a mixture of joy, happiness, completeness and contentedness. It was supremely beyond words.
She gave a serene sigh, curled up against him sound asleep. He transferred his gaze from the uncaring stars to her beautiful face. This was not how it was meant to be! He was reasonably sure she loved him, but... but that wasn't enough. He owed her more than to do this before they had chosen each other for life. And here he'd gone and taken a shortcut when it pleased him, rather than doing right by her. He squeezed his eyes shut and muffled a tortured groan. Oh, what had he done? Now she would feel obligated to become his mate. Surely she would feel trapped by his lack of self control. Especially if... oh no, what if there were cubs? What would they think of him?
It tore him up inside, wracking his brain for what to do next. Should he stay, face her broken heart at being chained to him, an possibly be the bane of his cubs' lives? The very idea made him want to burst into tears. Being a father should be a joy, not a weary unhappiness! Just thinking about it brought prickles to his eyes, though he fought the tears down valiantly.
Or should he go? The idea of leaving her behind made his heart ache too. Would she be okay? Surely she would go back home... or should he escort her back? Tell her... what? That he couldn't bear to be part of her ruined life? That seemed churlish and self-important. The fact that he was considering leaving her at all was both those things and more. No, he couldn't bear to walk with her, day after day, only to drop her at her pride, where her previous children had been left, possibly bearing yet another litter of his own cubs.
"Oh, what have I done, what have I done?" he groaned softly, burying his face against her soft fur. His passions were wrong. Even now, when he had every reason to remain gentlemanly and proper, he'd put himself and his desires first. How he hated himself! No. No, he didn't deserve her. That was the end of it. Cubs or no, she deserved better. Should there be any cubs, they deserved better too. For now, he'd spend this last night curled up with her, inhaling her scent to remember her by. In the morning, he would do the hardest thing he'd ever done. Leave Mng.
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The sunrise was still merely a faint glimmer of light, creating a wash of paler blue in the east. The stars still glamed brightly overhead, and the air was cool and damp. Vigo had not slept a wink. Instead he had laid beside Mng, keeping vigil over her one last time. Perhaps her fur was a bit damp here and there from his tears, but only the night birds could have said. The time had finally come, though, and there was no more time for debating his choice.
He nuzzled close to Mng, careful not to disturb her sleep. She was such a bright heart, so cheerful and happy! He prayed silently to the gods that this not change her, that this not be what made her bitter or sorrowful. "I love you, Mng'kari," he whispered beside her ear, which flicked at the brush of his breath. She made a soft noise of contentment and shifted closer to him. Biting his tongue to remain strong, he waited until she settled, then eased away. How cold the space she had occupied felt! Not stopping to ponder, reconsider, or linger over her, he turned his face towards where the sun would rise in a few hours.
The sky was cloudless, and the climate perfect for traveling. Taking a deep breath, he took his first steps away from the love of his life. No tear blurred his eyes now, but he carried himself like a coiled serpent, muscles tensed and strained. He kept to a walk for a long distance, well out of sight or sound of their temporary den. One paw at a time, he walked away. As the sun finally crested the horizon, searing his eyes with it's brilliance, he broke into a run. At first he only loped, but as his heart found release in the movement, his paws gained in speed. With the sun blinding him completely, he ran full tilt across the savannah, moisture leaking from the corners of his eyes that could have been tears of sorrow or merely from the brightness of the sun.
He couldn't keep it up forever, nor did the sun obligingly remain in place directly ahead of him. As the sun rose above him, his body reminded him that he had not slept the night before. He slowed to a trot, then a walk, head and tail hanging. Without the pressure and rhythm of running, his mind began to work again. What he needed now was a purpose. Something less self-serving than what had driven him before. He needed something strenuous, that would give him less time and energy to give in to his desires. Less time to think of females. Less time to remember Mng. He swallowed thickly, mouth dry from his run. Miserably he reflected that it was only as much as he deserved.
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It was many days, perhaps weeks later when Vigo heard about the pride. It actually was from a cheetah, who called himself a 'crier' for some pride focused on celebrations. Despite how much the slender feline wanted to convince Vigo to join in that riotous pride's current party, Vigo was more interested in the word of a pride that could not attend those celebrations. He was informed tartly that the pride was off limits to lions or lion hybrids, and that it wasn't somewhere such a fine lion would wish to go.
Vigo was not as friendly as he'd been in the past. He had growled that it was his own business where he went, and that the cheetah could tell him about the pride, or he'd find himself either at another waterhole or with a black eye. The now nervous cheetah had willingly spilled the beans then, and Vigo had listened intently.
This was what he'd been searching for. A way to make up for all the wrongs he'd done, most especially to sweet Mng. It was a pride of very ill lions that welcomed all species. He learned that their borders were very static, and that strangers were warned off by scouts that were often non-lions. Apparently the rumor was that they had been threatened by some warrior pride relatively recently. Diseased lions, danger... this could be just what he needed. No time or opportunity to dabble with the girls any more (or so he thought). Just fight, defend, survive. Jaw firmed, he had left the oasis of water and the baffled cheetah behind. It was time to find his destiny, regardless of how unpleasant he might find it. It was time to make things right again.
