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 Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 8:52 pm
Nevada wrung her hands together tightly. Every fiber of her being didn't want her to be here, everything that led to this point felt like a blur of stifling fears and emotions....Confusion, pain, timidness. Things she didn't want to deal with.
Not yet at least.
But talking with Candace, Stormy and even Tuck....There had been a clear message from her friends....To talk to Roland, to at one point explain herself better with time. What she had done wasn't right....What he had done in return wasn't either. So they'd face it, deal with it and she'd move on.
Her hands continue to wring themselves outside his door, her lip almost gnawed off from her biting it till she took a deep breath.
/He makes one move at you Nevada, And I will blast himself. I will take control of you.../ Leroy hissed, whispering in her mind. It almost comforted her. Almost.
And so started the worst 5 seconds of her life. Her hand raised to tap on the door in succession.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:00 pm
Roland sat at his desk working still. He rubbed his nose the end of a cold slowly slipping away as he worked. A series of rune books scattered across the table.
He'd kept himself busy, he had seen Tuck and Nevada on the last mission, they had said nothing. He didn't expect to hear from her from any time soon let alone at his own room.
A light knock rang against his door disturbing his work. Standing up he shuffled over clicking the lock to the door before moving back to his desk.
"Come in."
He made a mistake not checking who was there.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:05 pm
Nevada heard the click of the lock unlocking like a shotgun. She jumped at first, then settled herself again....When Roland didn't actually open the door and she heard the muffled Come in, she closed her eyes and prepared for the worse.
The door slowly slid open, then shut behind her. it was dangerous...It was dangerous her mind told her, to be in his room, to be in here with him. What if he gets mad again, What if he did a lot more this time then just hit her with his weapon.
All the warnings about talking in private meshed with all the fear of just what she was doing. Green eyes, her natural eye color, opened as she riggedly stood at the door.
"Roland..." Her voice came out so meek and weak, "Can we talk?"
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:10 pm
He was already back at his desk when she finally came in, papers where scattered along it, he was already taking a pencil to another piece scribbling a series of runes before moving to check a book again.
When her voice reached his ears he froze, carefully marking the book before looking towards her. "Nevada...." He paused and shrugged a bit, "Yeah, I guess."
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:14 pm
She froze again when he looked at her. She had expected anger, hate....to be thrown out. She stared at him like a fish out of water, not sure where to put the words from brain to mouth before nervously looking around. She didn't move from the door, not with that being the only exit.
"I...I didn't think you would..." She gnawed at her lip still, "Um..."
Long pause....
"I wanted to...apologize. What I did to do you...us......I had no right." She continued to stare at him. "And what I said....I did it to make you hate me. I didn't mean a lot of it but....." She swallowed the lump of pain down. "I apologize for that as well."
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:23 pm
Roland didn't carry a look of anger, or hate, more disappointment and sadness. Almost to the point of pained. He checked his notes one last time flipping the book shut before focusing on her again.
"I didn't know... who it was." He wasn't sure what he would have done had he known, had he seen who was on the other side of the door. His chair shifted slightly as he palced elbows on his knees as she spoke.
"I...." his pauses came again eyes closing, "I made a mistake... what I did to you." His eyes opened again, clearly upset about what he did. "What you said. It did hurt, it hurt a lot." His eyes shifted down, then up again.
"What you said. What of it, did you actually mean?"
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:49 pm
She studied him, deeming it safe enough before coming closer and sitting on the bed across from him.
She breathed in, looking down at the ground.
"None of it. I was mad and I was trying to make you hate me in the worst way possible. I was scared that the more time I spent with you, the less I did with Alaska. The less time I spent with Alaska....the more I started to feel like I was drifting away from my goal. To wake my sister. It's why I came to the Island." She closed her eyes, "I came for my twin and instead I found someone who was so nice, so sweet and gentle and kind."
She hissed, "And the more you cared about me...the more I started to panic. So I stopped being with you for awhile. I became friends with Otto and I fell for him hard. A puppy dog crush. And he...." She breathed in, "And he went on a date with me and we kissed once and I thought....Wow....For once Alaska didn't even cross my mind. And when I confessed to him....He confessed to another girl." She closed her eyes. "And it hurt, and I cried for a long time. I took second place to someone he already liked." She breathed in, "I seem to have a spot for second place in affections. My parents, My friends...My first boyfriend...Alaska even left me...The one person I loved with all my heart left me, and then our dad tried to form me to be like Alaska and it go so overwhelming I left."
And then she looked up, "And then you came to talk to me and I wasn't sure what you wanted. I was fine with us being napping buddies....with our casual flirtations. But you wanted more? That's what I thought. If I gave you a little more, would i be second place too? Or would I get to control your feelings for me. And we dated and I was happy....but I was scared the whole time."
She remembered the day she woke from the mission, when she had been scared of death and what happened. "And we talked about Rep...and Jordan. Two guys you had feelings for and I...I lost myself after that." She laughed, "Because I thought, here we go. Second place again...Third even. And to guys. What made you want to be with me?" She looked away.
"And then I met Tuck, and he was so charming and handsome and I felt this instant attraction. And I ignored it at first, I saw him in the hallway when Gnat blasted her music loud, and I ignored the flirting he did with me. The second time was Dakota's party....I ice queened him. Wouldn't talk to him at all..."
And then she sighed, "And I crumbled when we had orientation for the new hunters. We were eating pie and he kept looking at me. And it was bothering me. Why was I so attracted to him? Why would it matter? And then I slept with him." Nevada didn't sugar coat it, the damage was already done.
"I wasn't going to tell you, because we were going to be friends after. Tuck and I satisfied that urge, whatever it was. Some connection I had with him." She rubbed her face, "I didn't want you to sleep with me, when I thought you could hold out for who you truly loved. Jordan. I didn't want you to sleep with me, knowing that I would forever doubt what we had because of my own fears."
"Nothing will justify what I did. Because in the end it was wrong. But I thought you should know why...Because Tuck...and Stormy and Candace told me that I should tell you. Because hate isn't the answer."
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Posted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 7:58 pm
Roland simply watched, he didn't move or say anything at first as she moved in taking a seat on the bed, instead he watched her eyes as they darted for the ground.
"You know deep down, their wasn't ever a thing we could do to speed up the trials they put us through in the pods. Your goal would be here regardless of what you did in the mean time." He recalled the last memories of his trial before waking up. "I don't mean to say that to hurt you, but it was true, you shouldn't have ever felt bad for being happy."
For a moment he looked to the window, "I would have preferred Otto to this. At least you liked him, it wouldn't have been..." He paused looking for the word. "An affair?" He figured that was the politest way to call cheating out in that case before looking back at her. "You weren't second. You never where." He shifted in his chair slightly.
"I did miss you when you where gone because of Otto, I wondered if I was too late or I made a mistake or upset you. What ended up happening after I don't regret, I was happy for a while. I had someone to care about who cared about me. Who I thought really did care and then you said everything you possibly could to make me feel otherwise." He frowned a bit, "Obviously... it... worked." He looked down in shame, knowing what he did to her was just as terrible as her words.
Jordan and Rep where brought up and a rock formed in his gut. "No. You weren't second, I said it once I'll say it again. Rep is far from who, or what I thought he might be. Whatever I hoped he was he only ever saw others as posessions. You heard what he said about Rin, I don't want that to become me." He shrugged, "As for Jordan, he was the first one to know about us. You and I. He's a friend Nevada, a better one then most of us deserve. Even me."
Again he shifted in his chair leaning it back towards his desk a bit, "I was with you because you cared. It wasn't like Rep who wanted to mold me into whatever it is he created with Al, it isn't like Jordan who's more like a brother at this point. How often can someone say a girl just randomly dropped into my room, my life, and just sort of started hanging around and making me feel better about myself. I grew close to you, that's why I chose you. Because you cared, or I thought you did, I don't know anymore."
He listened patiently as she explained it, it wasn't courting, it had been fast, spontaneous and unexpected. It still didn't make the pill he had to swallow any better accepting what she did.
"I don't love Jordan, I admire him, I respect him. And I know it will never happen. Ever. I don't love anyone right now Nevada, I don't know if I want to right now even. I never slept with you because I didn't want to force anything on you, to scare you away. You're like a skittish cat, I was never sure what to do other then hold on when you where close and now...." He waved a hand not sure what to explain it as. They where this, a sorry mess of mistakes.
Even as she apologized he moved a hand under his desk popping the hidden slot. When she looked up he tossed over the fortune cookie he had locked away that late night.
"Nothing will justify what I did either, it was wrong to lash out. I shouldn't have approached Tuck either but I did anyway and it didn't make anything better." He shrugged a bit, "I don't know what you want me to do, I don't know what I want either. But you got Alaska, you don't need me to keep that promise anymore." He nodded towards the cookie.
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Posted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 9:34 pm
She wrung her hands together again, looking at the ground like he did. Her eyes didn't leave the floor as he spoke. There was so much going inside her brain, in her heart and she was just...not ready to deal with it yet. She didn't know what she wanted from Tuck, She wanted forgiveness from Roland...She wanted to move on and live happily and maybe earn someone to love her again. That wasn't Alaska. Or maybe she would settle happily with her friends she had now.
She took the cookie, looking at it....And then got back up to hand it to him. She had Alaska, it was true.
But it wouldn't be enough after what else she had as well.
"You can keep it...." She laid it on the desk, The closest she would allow them to be before stepping back and looking around. "That's...That's all I came for. I wanted to tell you that I am sorry. You don't have to forgive me....but please don't hate me." She stiffened, "We've done an equal amount of pain to each other Roland. But I won't let it turn into anything else. Maybe when we forgive each other again....we can be friends?" She sounded hopeful, somberly so.
"Okay...I should...leave."
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Posted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 9:42 pm
Very slowly his hand would take the cookie again. The drawer was still open and he placed it back inside before slipping it shut with a slight click as the locks engaged around the hidden box. He didn't speak at first before turning to watch her as she stiffened near the door.
"I don't... I don't hate you." Was he angry? Yes. Was he upset? Yes. But the hate was starting to grow old, it was painful, he would rather be sad then angry at this point, the later took to much effort and gnawed at the edges of his mind.
He turned back to his books and notes picking up a pen as she mentioned the thought of leaving. He was quiet for a moment longer, opening a book and flipping to where it was last open.
"...You have a key. You know where to find me if you need me."
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Posted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 9:52 pm
She felt something click once the cookie was taken, watching him more intently as he didn't throw it away. Crush it in front of her. No it was delicately places into the drawer like it was precious or something. She didn't mention anything more, turning to the door.
"I'd hate me....if I was you..." She whispered, looking at it. "Probably why you're a better person." She laughed, turning the knob.
The next words though...they stopped her. Her hand leaving the knob with slack. She did have his key, she hadn't stopped carrying it around with her, placed next to hers. Was it coincidence that she didn't throw it away? Or was it some unknown reminder of what she had....or what she could have if she tried.
She couldn't....and she wouldn't. She wasn't ready to face this feeling she had. She stood there burrowing it away, let it fester on its own time. Not here. Not when she didn't even understand herself and her wants and her needs. Not when she always thought herself second place, and Alaska's shadow and nothing more.
"I'll see....you around Roland..." Was the best she managed before slipping out of the room and shutting the door behind her. Every part of her wanted to run to Tuck, so he could distract her. To take the physical comfort he had offered her with no strings. To burn away feels until she was nothing more than tired, ready to float to the abyss of sleep.
Instead she ran from the dorms, to the beach. And she watched the waves crash back and forth, and wondered why felt that she could relate to the stormy sea's she watched.
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Posted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 10:00 pm
Roland only chuckled a bit at the hate comment.
"I don't... I don't know what I want to feel." He gestured at his papers, "So I worked instead." He didn't worry to much about what he felt, about her, about himself when he was too busy trying to translate runes into something that made sense for his project.
His eyes slid over to her, one last sideways glance as she stood at the door saying goodbye, before she slid out and shut the door ending whatever the strange situation was.
While Nevada ran away Roland slowly stood up, his work couldn't distract him now. It was hard to push it all aside when Nevada showed up at his door laying out a whole other pile of work for his mind to sort. Slowly he made his way to the bed laying down staring at the ceiling.
"I think we're all decent people. We just do terrible things." He mumbled.
<< Do you still like her? >>
"I don't want to talk about it."
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