Welcome to Gaia! ::

All the Write Reasons

Back to Guilds

A guild devoted to writers everywhere 

Tags: Writing, critique, creative, poetry, roleplay 

Reply Showcase and Critique lounge
Focus.

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

LiaMar

PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 8:09 am


i was sitting in front of him as he unleashed an astounding amount of focus into my sparkling eyes. quietly observing every detailed expression my face wore. seeing through my entire soul as though nothing was guarding it. forcing me to wonder what sentence was running through his mind as he found -for me- the nostalgia in my brain. his electric skin shocked me rapidly and subtlety as his hand crawled up my arm, slowly , until it reached a golden lock of hair that he delicately played with. i gave him a daring look. he only shot it back at me, this time with his devilish smile. it dazzled me, i couldnt comprehend the powers that were summoned upon me. he affected me like a full moon affects the dark ocean. attracting me. pulling me closer, trying to defy gravity. i knew the cycle was to begin again. i wanted to fly away. i wanted his cool breeze to carry me. i wanted to drift into the unknown. i couldn’t decide which characteristic was most hazardous, his electric touch, his razor sharp stare, or his reckless abandon. my sanity was replaced by his image, it burned the back of my mind. i attempted to process my thoughts but silence was shot by the smooth sound of his voice as he softly whispered “you are so beautiful”, once his words registered in my mind, my heart accelerated, pounding so drastically it could be seen trying to escape my skin. both our emotions were colliding and burning, brighter than the diamonds decorating the night sky. a state of rapture. it was raw emotion at its’ finest. i felt chaotically peaceful in his presence. ironically, it was that perfect balance that caused me to fall for him. i was sitting in front of him as he unleashed an astounding amount of focus into my sparkling eyes…

-LiaMar
(sorry it’s not all capitalized like it should be i wrote it like a week ago & forgot to do so)
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 5:05 pm


LiaMar


If that's the case, you may want to take the time to format and edit it properly now before asking for further feedback on it.

Just in case you aren't sure, a change in topic or dialogue speaker warrants a paragraph break. And please put extra white space between paragraphs, like how I'm doing, to make it easier to read.

Once you edit out the mistakes you know, I'd be happy to offer further edits and/or suggestions/feedback if you'd like.

Kairi Nightingale

9,925 Points
  • Citizen 200
  • Gaian 50
Reply
Showcase and Critique lounge

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum