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 Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 10:52 am
What is your relationship with your parents like?
Honouring your parents is...I believe the third commandment, and honestly, it seems like it's probably the one that's most often ignored.
Using myself as an example is the easiest, so that's what I'm going to do. I love my mother and my (deceased) father deeply. But eventually it became clear to me that the path they wanted me to follow in life was not what I wanted. I tried, for a very long time, to be the son that they wanted, a son they could be proud of, but if I'd done that, I'd have been living a lie, not to mention I would have been completely miserable and the odds are good that I would have killed myself. So I got to the point where I could either honour my parents' wishes, or I could be myself and make my own life choices based on what was best for me in the long run, and what would give me fulfilment. I never stopped respecting my parents, and I never stopped loving them, but I could no longer live for them. I couldn't spend the rest of my life making myself miserable just so I could have their approval.
It was something I prayed on for a long time, and I decided that I needed to follow my own path. My parents were...not pleased, to put it lightly. Mostly my mother. She threw a fit and then threw me out, and cut off all contact with me for about four years. Eventually we worked it out and now we have a pretty good relationship. I'm at her house right now, actually, visiting for a week.
And then there are the parents that, frankly, do not deserve to be honoured by their children because they're bad parents. My partner ran away at 16 because his father beat him on a regular basis. My best friend ran away from home when he was 13 because his mother whored him out for drug money.
So, what is your relationship like with your parents? Do you feel like you honour them, at least to the best of your abilities? Do you think it is a sin to not honour or obey your parents at all times, regardless of the circumstances?
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Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 11:12 am
I used to not have such a great relationship with my parents, but I'm very happy to say that that's changed.
Growing up my father and I had a terrible relationship. I won't get into details, but he was psychologically, and on occasion physically, abusive to my brother, my mom and me. We each got the worst of it in our own ways. That was extremely hard for me to forgive, and I still struggle with my feelings about what happened to me. There was a huge breakthrough when he admitted to my brother and I that he suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction. Part of me forgave him right then and there, but truly forgiving him in my heart has been a long process. I hope one day we have as good a relationship with him as I have with my mom.
My mom and I have always had a pretty great relationship. Not that we don't fight. There are some things we don't see eye to eye on, naturally. Infrequently, we'll get into shouting matches and we won't talk for a week or two, but we always forgive one another and come back stronger than ever. We are best friends and I love her very, very much. I do my best to honor and respect my mother. She's the coolest, smartest most awesome mom I know. 3nodding
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High-functioning Werewolf
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Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 11:29 am
Ophelias Bathwater I used to not have such a great relationship with my parents, but I'm very happy to say that that's changed. Growing up my father and I had a terrible relationship. I won't get into details, but he was psychologically, and on occasion physically, abusive to my brother, my mom and me. We each got the worst of it in our own ways. That was extremely hard for me to forgive, and I still struggle with my feelings about what happened to me. There was a huge breakthrough when he admitted to my brother and I that he suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction. Part of me forgave him right then and there, but truly forgiving him in my heart has been a long process. I hope one day we have as good a relationship with him as I have with my mom. My mom and I have always had a pretty great relationship. Not that we don't fight. There are some things we don't see eye to eye on, naturally. Infrequently, we'll get into shouting matches and we won't talk for a week or two, but we always forgive one another and come back stronger than ever. We are best friends and I love her very, very much. I do my best to honor and respect my mother. She's the coolest, smartest most awesome mom I know. 3nodding I'm sorry that you had to deal with your father's bad behaviour growing up. Forgiving something like that takes time, but I'm happy to hear that your relationship with him is improving. And that's great that you are so close with your mother. I sort of wish I had that kind of relationship with my mum. For the most part, things between us are pretty good these days, but she's never been someone I could confide in, and there's a LOT about my past that she doesn't know, and that I have no intention of telling her. Not because I take any joy in keeping things from her, but no parent would want to hear those kinds of things about their child. I'm an adult, and I feel that certain things are my burden, and sharing that burden with her would only make her unhappy.
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Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 11:48 am
"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." (The Noble Quran, 17:23-24)"
"We have enjoined on man kindness to parents: but if they (either of them) strive (to force) thee to join with Me (in worship) anything of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not. Ye have (all) to return to me, and I will tell you (the truth) of all that ye did. (The Noble Quran, 29: cool "
"And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. (The Noble Quran, 31:14)"
"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says, "O my Lord! Grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favour which Thou has bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents, and that I may work righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam." (The Noble Quran, 46:15)"
"And remember We took a covenant from the Children of Israel (to this effect): Worship none but God; treat with kindness your parents and kindred, and orphans and those in need; speak fair to the people; be steadfast in prayer; and practise regular charity. Then did ye turn back, except a few among you, and ye backslide (even now). (The Noble Quran, 2:83)"
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High-functioning Werewolf
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Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 7:54 pm
SinfulGuillotine Ophelias Bathwater I used to not have such a great relationship with my parents, but I'm very happy to say that that's changed. Growing up my father and I had a terrible relationship. I won't get into details, but he was psychologically, and on occasion physically, abusive to my brother, my mom and me. We each got the worst of it in our own ways. That was extremely hard for me to forgive, and I still struggle with my feelings about what happened to me. There was a huge breakthrough when he admitted to my brother and I that he suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction. Part of me forgave him right then and there, but truly forgiving him in my heart has been a long process. I hope one day we have as good a relationship with him as I have with my mom. My mom and I have always had a pretty great relationship. Not that we don't fight. There are some things we don't see eye to eye on, naturally. Infrequently, we'll get into shouting matches and we won't talk for a week or two, but we always forgive one another and come back stronger than ever. We are best friends and I love her very, very much. I do my best to honor and respect my mother. She's the coolest, smartest most awesome mom I know. 3nodding I'm sorry that you had to deal with your father's bad behaviour growing up. Forgiving something like that takes time, but I'm happy to hear that your relationship with him is improving. And that's great that you are so close with your mother. I sort of wish I had that kind of relationship with my mum. For the most part, things between us are pretty good these days, but she's never been someone I could confide in, and there's a LOT about my past that she doesn't know, and that I have no intention of telling her. Not because I take any joy in keeping things from her, but no parent would want to hear those kinds of things about their child. I'm an adult, and I feel that certain things are my burden, and sharing that burden with her would only make her unhappy. You know, I really don't think I could have had the relationship I have with my dad if it weren't for my relationship with God. We both had our spirits revived at around the same time, me through my church, he through his 12 steps. He's the only person in my life to have been present for both of my baptisms. Faith is a frequent subject of our conversations. It's almost like getting to know an entirely new person. Which is pretty cool, actually. I feel pretty lucky. Oh, please believe, there are plenty of things I don't tell my mother also. lol I understand totally not wanting to burden her with worry. It would break her heart to know some of the things I've put myself through. This probably sounds pretty cheesy, but my relationship with my mom is really similar to that of the mother/daughter relationship in the movie Brave. xd
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Posted: Thu May 30, 2013 9:42 am
Ophelias Bathwater You know, I really don't think I could have had the relationship I have with my dad if it weren't for my relationship with God. We both had our spirits revived at around the same time, me through my church, he through his 12 steps. He's the only person in my life to have been present for both of my baptisms. Faith is a frequent subject of our conversations. It's almost like getting to know an entirely new person. Which is pretty cool, actually. I feel pretty lucky. Oh, please believe, there are plenty of things I don't tell my mother also. lol I understand totally not wanting to burden her with worry. It would break her heart to know some of the things I've put myself through. This probably sounds pretty cheesy, but my relationship with my mom is really similar to that of the mother/daughter relationship in the movie Brave. xd I don't think I would have such an easy time forgiving a parent for being abusive because of a drug problem. Which might sound kind of strange, given that I'm a recovering addict myself, but it's because I've "been there" that I have trouble having sympathy for people who behave badly while managing an addiction. I never had any trouble being...you know, a decent human being when I was using. In some ways I might have actually been nicer because I was pretty much high all the time. And when I was dopesick, I'd pretty much just tell people to leave me alone unless they wanted to marathon Battlestar Galactica in silence with me (I don't know how or why that turned into my withdrawal show, but somehow it did). I still worked, I still paid my bills, I still had a relatively normal social life. Aside from disappearing to the toilet to fix every few hours, my life really wasn't that different from how it is now (at least as an adult...when I was a kid is a totally different story). And most of the people I knew at the time who were also using still managed to be relatively decent, functioning members of society. The thing about drugs is...they don't turn you into a different person. At worst, some drugs might exacerbate certain personality traits or tendencies that are already present. Stimulants (amphetamines, methamphetamines, cocaine, etc.) tend to make people behave more erratically, because you're generally pretty manic when you're high and incredibly depressed and irritated when you come down. Also, the sleep deprivation that is usually a side effect of stimulant abuse can make people act pretty crazy. And while I've dabbled in stimulants, I got over them pretty quickly. I get exceptionally crazy when I don't sleep, I feel like I've been run over by a bus when I come down, and I usually don't even enjoy the high that much. Well, except for cocaine, but cocaine is a sometimes food and always has been. I've never done a bunch of blow and then been itching to score more the next day. I've always been an opiate (heroin, morphine, oxycodone, etc.) man, and really the main downside to opiates is that they're horribly physically addictive and you get incredibly sick if you stop using them cold turkey. But they're easier on your body than cigarettes and alcohol, and so long as you're not withdrawing, most people can act pretty normal on moderate doses of some sort of opiate. When junkies start to lose it is when they can't get their next fix, and some people still manage to act pretty okay and treat others well, while others do the sorts of things that desperate people do, like stealing money and ripping off friends and family members and such. I used to actually be quite judgmental of people who used drug addiction as an excuse for treating loved ones badly, but since I've starting volunteering in places geared towards drug addicts, I've found that I've been able to let go of a lot of that prejudice. Still, if someone close to me treated me like crap and then later tried to blame it on the drugs, I would be pretty upset with them. I'm generally a pretty forgiving person by nature, so I'm sure I could (because I have) forgive them eventually, but it's not something I could do at the drop of a hat. .....I don't know WHY this turned into drug education 101. I just like talking about drugs. It's all I have left. cry But back on topic, I'm glad that your father has cleaned up his act and us earning back your respect. And yeah, especially when cultivating an adult relationship with your parents, some parts of your life just genuinely aren't their business. I know if I was in some kind of trouble and needed help, my mum would come running to my side. That being said, she would also be the last call I'd make and I'd only contact her if literally everyone else I know either couldn't or wouldn't help me and it was a life or death situation. But even if (God willing) I never need her help, just knowing that she's always there for me if I need her is enough. And on the flip side, I'd do just about anything to help her as well. We may not have the most open, touchy-feely relationship, but we love each other pretty unconditionally, and that counts for a lot on its own, especially given that we're VASTLY different people. The whole "agreeing to disagree" thing has taken a while, and she's still not happy with, say, my choice in a life partner. (She and my partner have a pretty deep-seated hatred for one another; she hates him because she feels he corrupted her perfect little boy, and he hates her because she turned her back on me during a very emotionally trying part of my life so he thinks she's a terrible parent.) But...well, most people hate their in-laws, so that's not all that unusual. I had a great relationship with my father when I was growing up. He actually wasn't my biological father, but he married my mother when she was pregnant with me, was there at my birth, named me, and raised me and loved me as if I was his own, so he was my father in every way that matters. I've never had any desire to track down my biological father because as far as I'm concerned, he's just some guy who banged my mum in the 80's. My greatest, possibly my only regret in my life thus far is that I never had a chance to make amends with him before he died, which was only a few months after I'd been thrown out and went to the UK to study music. But he left a letter for me, telling me that he wasn't angry at me, that he loved me, and that he wished me all the happiness in the world regardless of how I chose to live my life. So I got a little closure, at least. He was pretty much my hero. He was so genuine, he really cared about others, and had more integrity than just about anyone I've ever known, and I know that his only wish for his children was that they would be happy. Odds are I will never have children, but if I did, I hope that I'd be able to be as good of a dad as he was.
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Posted: Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:05 am
I don't live with either of my parents. My mother passed away in 2004 and my father lives in Nevada with my step-family. I had a pretty good relationship with my mom before she passed away as for my dad I began forming a relationship with him in 2007 or 2008 because that's when he decided to show up in my life at first honestly I didn't like him but over these past few years I have grown to love him. I live with my grandparents I got a pretty good relationship with my grandma as for my grandfather we're like in the middle because well he has a favorite grandchild which I think is honestly a bunch of crud and when you try to tell him the truth he doesn't want to hear it no matter how right it is or if he needs to hear it.
I honestly feel like I honor my father pretty well. My grandparents I try to honor them both to the best of my abilities.
That's a tough question. Sadly am not sure if I can answer that.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2013 12:12 am
I have, and always have had a healthy relationship with my mother. For most of the time she had a husband and we knew each other on a first name relationship. Obeying him was never really much of an issue because he was pretty hands off in his parenting. I was a smart kid for the most part and seldom gave my mom a hard time aside from the standard teenage years. And today, being grown up and moving out of home she's proud of me.
I believe children should obey their parents as long as the parents aren't telling their kids to do wrong. Even abusive parents should be obeyed up to the point that the child must reach out for help without the parents permission. I'm not saying if a parent is abusing their child the child should just accept it but follow the general rules and if the parent is doing something wrong then let's say, going to the neighbors to call police against the parents wishes would be acceptable. Always honor your parents unless it means tolerating abuse. If you live with your parents and are at their mercy for your care and safety you owe them your loyalty until you leave them to become an adult.
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:33 pm
I never really had a great relationship with my parents.
When I was younger they would buy me everything even toys that I wasn't even interested in, but they were always gone.
I was babysat by my grandmother mostly.
My parents always worked, never made any effort to do a lot of things with me.
Parents were pretty hands off when it came to parenting, I was allowed to pretty much do whatever as long as I was home before dark.
We never did anything together, never ate together, nothing that a typical family would do.
I was pretty rotten for awhile because of the serious lack in good parenting.
I finally straightened up when realized that what I was doing wasn't cool.
Teenage years same thing always gone.
Instead of talking there was yelling and screaming, my dad never wants to talk he has to be the big man of the house and try to dominate everything.
My mom likes to nit pic and talk people down, shes also really passive aggressive.
Not much has changed I think.
I try but I just feel like I'm looked down on.
It's a lot better than what it was but I dunno.
Feels kinda I dunno.
We just all do are own thing pretty much.
I mean we talk and stuff and were civil but I dunno.
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Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 5:00 pm
A-B0T
I have, and always have had a healthy relationship with my mother. For most of the time she had a husband and we knew each other on a first name relationship. Obeying him was never really much of an issue because he was pretty hands off in his parenting. I was a smart kid for the most part and seldom gave my mom a hard time aside from the standard teenage years. And today, being grown up and moving out of home she's proud of me.
I believe children should obey their parents as long as the parents aren't telling their kids to do wrong. Even abusive parents should be obeyed up to the point that the child must reach out for help without the parents permission. I'm not saying if a parent is abusing their child the child should just accept it but follow the general rules and if the parent is doing something wrong then let's say, going to the neighbors to call police against the parents wishes would be acceptable. Always honor your parents unless it means tolerating abuse. If you live with your parents and are at their mercy for your care and safety you owe them your loyalty until you leave them to become an adult.
Well, I have pretty strong feelings about abuse. I don't think people who abuse a person or people that they are supposed to love and support deserve any respect from anyone, least of all the people who are victims of their abuse. I think there's a difference between honouring and obeying. To me, obeying is just following orders without question. I don't really think anyone should be obeyed in that meaning of the word. The only exception I can really think of is like a commanding officer in the military or something, and even that I feel kind of iffy about. But that's one of a myriad reasons I'm not in the military I guess. To honour someone, as I see it, is to respect them and respect their wishes. It doesn't quite mean that you will obey them without question, but to me honouring your parents basically means that you respect them and recognise that they have your best interests at heart. Part of my problem with the idea of obeying one's parents unless they tell you to do something that is wrong is that children, especially younger children, can't always be expected to recognise when they're being told to do something that is bad or wrong. I know that when I was young, my parents could do no wrong in my eyes. Their word was law. They knew absolutely everything and anything they told me had to be true. However they felt about something was, as far as I was concerned, the only right way to feel about something. Of course as I got older I started to see them for what they really were: two good, well-intentioned but fallible people who loved their children and were doing the best they could to bring us all up right. They didn't know everything, and not every political or moral opinion they had was beyond reproach. I still respected them a great deal, but like most people, as I grew up, I started to see my parents as actual human beings who were flawed and made mistakes, rather than the demi-god-like figures they were to me as a small child. I do agree that especially if you're past the age of majority, as long as you're under your parents' roof, you are obligated to follow their rules. Once you're legally an adult, any housing and clothing and food they provide you with should be seen as a favour. I get so annoyed when I hear 25-year-olds complaining that Mummy and Daddy don't give them enough freedom and don't treat them like an adult. NEWSFLASH: In order to be treated like an adult, you have to act like an adult, and adults move out of their parents' house and learn to stand on their own two feet. Until you can do that, just be thankful that your parents didn't kick you out years ago.
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Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 5:19 pm
Crunchy Fetus I never really had a great relationship with my parents. When I was younger they would buy me everything even toys that I wasn't even interested in, but they were always gone. I was babysat by my grandmother mostly. My parents always worked, never made any effort to do a lot of things with me. Parents were pretty hands off when it came to parenting, I was allowed to pretty much do whatever as long as I was home before dark. We never did anything together, never ate together, nothing that a typical family would do. I was pretty rotten for awhile because of the serious lack in good parenting. I finally straightened up when realized that what I was doing wasn't cool. Teenage years same thing always gone. Instead of talking there was yelling and screaming, my dad never wants to talk he has to be the big man of the house and try to dominate everything. My mom likes to nit pic and talk people down, shes also really passive aggressive. Not much has changed I think. I try but I just feel like I'm looked down on. It's a lot better than what it was but I dunno. Feels kinda I dunno. We just all do are own thing pretty much. I mean we talk and stuff and were civil but I dunno. I'm sorry your parents weren't really there for you. Do you still live with them? Are you closer to your grandparents? I honestly think that "parent" is a title that has to be earned to a degree. Conceiving a child and bringing it into the world is the easy part (I in no way mean for that statement to be insensitive to women who have to go through labour and childbirth, so please don't take it to mean that). After that, good parents' lives really have to become centred around their child(ren). That's not to say they can never hire a babysitter now and again, but a real parent raises their child. They don't pawn it off on others. If you don't raise your own child, you're not really a parent. You're a person who happens to have produced offspring. You donated some genetic material. And that's just not enough. I'm sorry I'm being harsh. I don't know your parents and I really have no right to judge them, but I am sorry that their distance has affected you negatively. Have you ever tried to talk to them about it? I don't know if that's a conversation they would be receptive to, but it might be worth a shot if you have a desire to cultivate a better relationship with them. As for them talking down to you...I'm not sure it's really possible for the vast majority of people with children to ever see and treat their children as true equals. I'm 31, and my mother still thinks that she knows what's best for me better than I do. I'll never really stop being her "little boy" as far as she's concerned, and I understand that to a degree. My younger brother is about to start his second year at university and is a very mature and responsible young adult, but in my eyes he'll always be my kid brother. Part of me will always see him as the tiny, sickly little baby my parents brought home when I was 12. It's just a side effect of literally having known someone their entire life, and having watched them grow from helpless infant to self-sufficient adult. Anyway, I hope that your parents wake up and realise that they should take the time to get to know their daughter before it's too late.
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